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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to this 'friend'?

104 replies

WhyThisLife · 01/03/2020 09:21

Two friends A & B.

Friend As husband works with Friend B.

Friend As husband has said that friend B has been saying how much she dislikes my husband, calling him all sorts, controlling etc...

Friend A has told me this. I believe friend A completely that this is true, no reason to lie and I know she wouldn't anyway.

AIBU to be upset? Those who've seen my other threads will know what a shit time me and DH are going through right now with multiple pregnancy loss.

The thing that's annoyed me even more is Friend B has met DH about twice and never anything more than a quick 5 minute conversation. She has form for gossiping like this though.

I'm not angry, I'm just upset. Friend B knows everything that's going on at the moment and is being all nice to my face but then talking about my husband, who's also struggling, to my other friends.

Would I be unreasonable to say something? I just want to say I'm not angry but if she has concerns, considering the situation, please can she speak to me and refrain from gossiping about us at an already sensitive time.

I've honestly no idea where these things have come from. My husband isn't controlling or bad at all and I've never suggested as such to friend B. But as I say, she has form for gossip. I would have just hoped at this time, I wouldn't have been the focus of it.

OP posts:
YouNeedToCalmDown · 01/03/2020 09:41

I'd wonder why Friend A would tell you this tbh...

Original poster
WhyThisLife · 01/03/2020 09:43

I've no concerns about friend A. She wanted to tell me so I knew what was being said.

At the end of the day, it's not friend A that's been gossiping about me to other people.

OP posts:
TheMemoryLingers · 01/03/2020 09:46

If I'm reading your OP correctly, this information is coming to you third hand - friend B reported by friend A's husband to friend A, and then friend A to you. I agree with the previous poster - I would be questioning friend A's motives. It has more than a touch of trouble-stirring about it.

JigsawsAreInPieces · 01/03/2020 09:50

Friend A is shit-stirring. Friend B may or may not have said those things but whatever, Friend A should not have told you.

Did you ask Friend A why they were telling you this?

Treacle200 · 01/03/2020 09:50

If I were you, I would be wondering why friend A was telling me this rather than Friend A going directly to Friend B and dealing with it directly (to find out why they think this/reassure them husband isn't controlling). I would only expect friend A to speak to me about it if they then both had concerns.

keepingbees · 01/03/2020 09:53

What has friend A done apart from run to you to tell you? Have they stood up for your husband, told them it's not true?
I'd be questioning both 'friendships' to be honest. Friend A has put this on you even knowing you're going through a rough time.

JigsawsAreInPieces · 01/03/2020 09:53

I suspect that Friend A is attributing her own ideas to Friend B, knowing that B has a reputation for gossip. Give a dog a bad name etc. Whatever A’s motives are, she's no real friend of yours.

Original poster
WhyThisLife · 01/03/2020 10:00

Friend A wasn't there when this was said. Friend A and friend B don't really know each other that well.

It's only because Friend As husband has come home and said this that Friend A has told me.

Knowing friend B, it's 100% true. She has form for saying things like this and has fallen out with other friends before for doing things very similar to this.

Whatever friend As motives, I 100% believe that it's been said.

I'm not bothered about friend A, knowing her, she doesn't concern me.

OP posts:
Witchend · 01/03/2020 10:09

So friend B's husband apparently said he didn't like your dh.
Friend B told friend A
Friend A told friend A's husband.
Friend A's husband has come and told you...

By the time it's been twisted through that many cycles the only fact you know is friend A's husband is a gossip who likes to stir.

Original poster
WhyThisLife · 01/03/2020 10:11

No.

Friend As husband, works with Friend B. Not her husband, actual friend B.

Friend B, said this to friend As husband at work. Friend As husband came home and told friend A. Who mentioned it to me.

Friend Bs husband is not involved in any way.

OP posts:
TheMemoryLingers · 01/03/2020 10:12

You've clearly made up your mind about Friend B so I'm not sure why you're posting. Hasn't it occurred to you, though, that Friend A is doing exactly what she's accusing friend B of doing - spreading hurtful gossip.

chuttypicks · 01/03/2020 10:12

I wish people would use names rather than friend A and B and husbands A and B. It confuses me every time and I've got no idea what's going on!! Just use fake names! Please!

faracrossthepond · 01/03/2020 10:18

@WhyThisLife

I think you need to talk to the friend who seems to dislike your DH for some reason. I have had several friends/work colleagues who didn't much like my DH, and he didn't like them. Not gonna lie, it makes it awkward to maintain the friendship.

Fortunately, DH gets on with (and always has got on with) most of my friends, but the odd 2 or 3 have not liked him, and he didn't like them, and I never knew why really... But, as I said, it did affect the friendship with these particular friends.

I have a friend who lives 20 minutes walk away, and she is lovely and sweet and bubbly, and her DH is really rude and ignorant and just grunts when he sees me (and her other mates/work colleagues.)

I am always baffled when someone is so lovely and friendly and their partner is an arse LOL. Makes me wonder why they're together... As they seem so different.

Sorry, I derailed a bit there. Talk to this woman who dislikes your DH OP. Ask her what's going on.

Original poster
WhyThisLife · 01/03/2020 10:22

Okay.

Jenny is one of my best friends, her husband, Frank, works with my other friend, Rebecca. Jenny and Rebecca don't really know each other that well.

Frank has come home and told Jenny, his wife, that Rebecca has been talking about my husband at work.

Jenny has told me about this.

I'm upset with Rebecca because she knows that me and my husband have been having a really really hard time at the moment and has been all nicey nicey to my face but has been talking at her work about my husband negatively. I'd prefer it if she didn't, or spoke to me if she has genuine concerns.

I believe Jenny and her husband, Frank because I know Rebecca has form for this sort of thing and I know they wouldn't lie to me.

Jenny has been my longest friend, I've known her since I was a child, despite what people here think, she is a good friend and I believe that she just wanted to let me know what Rebecca is saying behind my back.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyThisLife · 01/03/2020 10:24

I also want to know where this has come from because Rebecca has met my husband about twice, none of which for more than about 5 minutes.

OP posts:
BaolFan · 01/03/2020 10:25

If you believe it's true then why are you posting here?

You're asking if people think YABU, and when they are pointing out that you might be, you're doubling down and insisting that Jenny wouldn't lie and that Rebecca is totally at fault here.

I'm not poking holes, simply pointing out that you've started a thread to ask for opinions - which is pointless when you seem to have made your mind up already.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 01/03/2020 10:25

Thanks for re posting with names.

I would just stay well out of the whole thing.

AriadnesFilament · 01/03/2020 10:27

I think you should say something, yes. Because it’s clearly playing on your mind. And if she’s that much of a bitchy gossip and gets the arse and ends up falling out with you about it, well, it’s not much of a loss really is it?

Original poster
WhyThisLife · 01/03/2020 10:27

I didn't ask for opinions on whether it was true. I believe it is because I know Rebecca in real life.

I asked whether I'd be unreasonable to say something to her. As in, I've heard this, can we talk about it/why you think this?

I don't want my husband spoken about negatively to my other friends when he's done nothing of the sort. Surely that's normal?

Rebecca has no reason to suspect anything she's said about my husband so I'd like to know why she thinks that way and why she thinks it's appropriate to discuss it with other people when she barely knows him.

OP posts:
Boom45 · 01/03/2020 10:29

Does it matter if one of your friends dislikes your husband?

MiddleClassProblem · 01/03/2020 10:33

But the basis of what she said could have been easily exaggerated or misinterpreted in the telling of Frank to Jenny and then Jenny to you.

Jenny didn’t hear the exact wording or tone etc.

You might have the wrong end of the stick.

Rebecca might have genuine concerns based on not only meeting him but things you have said.

Also you haven’t really said that he isn’t any of those things. Just that he is struggling atm and you are both in shit time with your pregnancy losses. Is there some truth in it? Your ping through the shitter so maybe there is but right now you don’t want to think about it, which is completely understandable Flowers

Original poster
WhyThisLife · 01/03/2020 10:35

No. But if she's telling people things that aren't true, people who are my friends and may then base their own opinion of him on that then I want to know why.

She's said he's controlling, he isn't. So why would I want that being spread around?

My husband is going through a lot of shit as well. The last thing he also needs is a load of crap being said about him to other people which isn't true.

If she has genuine concerns about him then I want to know where they've come from because as I say, she's barely met him!

OP posts:
Mummacake · 01/03/2020 10:35

OP, ask 'rebecca' what her problem is with your OH. Call her out asap. She'll probably deny it but it may stop her being quite so free with her opinions.

Original poster
WhyThisLife · 01/03/2020 10:39

If she has genuine concerns then no problem. But she can talk to me about them.

I have no idea where they would have come from so I'd like to know if that's how she genuinely feels about him.

He isn't controlling or horrible. That's not be because I'm too blinded by our situation. He isn't. I've never suggested as such to her either.

I don't want to go in all guns blazing. I just want to know why she's said it.

OP posts:
Canadianpancake · 01/03/2020 10:43

If you do talk to her, do you think she will be honest with you, or will she just deny saying anything or say your other friend's DH agrees, causing more drama that you obviously don't need right now.

I'd just cut ties with her, the people that matter know the truth, and your friends are there to support you. Leave her to her muck spreading.