Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to this 'friend'?

104 replies

WhyThisLife · 01/03/2020 09:21

Two friends A & B.

Friend As husband works with Friend B.

Friend As husband has said that friend B has been saying how much she dislikes my husband, calling him all sorts, controlling etc...

Friend A has told me this. I believe friend A completely that this is true, no reason to lie and I know she wouldn't anyway.

AIBU to be upset? Those who've seen my other threads will know what a shit time me and DH are going through right now with multiple pregnancy loss.

The thing that's annoyed me even more is Friend B has met DH about twice and never anything more than a quick 5 minute conversation. She has form for gossiping like this though.

I'm not angry, I'm just upset. Friend B knows everything that's going on at the moment and is being all nice to my face but then talking about my husband, who's also struggling, to my other friends.

Would I be unreasonable to say something? I just want to say I'm not angry but if she has concerns, considering the situation, please can she speak to me and refrain from gossiping about us at an already sensitive time.

I've honestly no idea where these things have come from. My husband isn't controlling or bad at all and I've never suggested as such to friend B. But as I say, she has form for gossip. I would have just hoped at this time, I wouldn't have been the focus of it.

OP posts:
BaolFan · 01/03/2020 12:26

I really don't get this thread.

You're convinced that Jenny is telling the truth.

You're angry about what has allegedly been said.

You feel the need to be protective of your husband.

Seems clear that you're going to say something to Rebecca regardless of what people on here say. Why the drama?

Original poster
WhyThisLife · 01/03/2020 12:26

He doesn't even know, DH. So it's nothing to do with him being bothered.

I want to know why one of my friends is convinced that he is awful. I'd actually like to know why she thinks that. Rather than saying it to other people, I'd rather she tell me about it.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 01/03/2020 12:31

But why? Do you really think it’s easy to announce to someone in a controlling relationship that she’s being controlled? And she’ll go “oh of course! Thanks for telling me.”

Come on!

Plus, again - why are you friends?? You clearly really, really dislike her!

You seem determined to make a huge deal out of this!

Louise91417 · 01/03/2020 12:38

So in a nutshell a "friend" is spreading malicious gossip about your husband and you want our opinion on whether or not to pull them up for it...if it were me i would be telling friend A you are going to be having words with friend B prior to doing so but would be prepared that friend A will not want you to say anything as this was probably a private conversation between husband and wife and husband will probably not want the fallout to carry over to his work place...Hmm

TorkTorkBam · 01/03/2020 12:40

OK, so ask Jenny to ask her husband to ask Rebecca to ask her husband what makes him think your DH is controlling.

There's a pretty good chance that one or more people in the chain think there's some truth and have exaggerated what was said. That's why you pass it up and down the chain again.

ActualHornist · 01/03/2020 12:43

Honestly don’t understand why so many people are saying this is shit stirring? I mean, it might be, but mightn’t it all be that Frank has heard Rebecca doing the slagging, not addressed it because he only knows OP and husband but not well, so the good friend (his wife) has told OP? Do you all confront people you don’t know when they’re gossiping about someone you also don’t know well?

OP personally I wouldn’t do anything. She doesn’t sound like a friend, just someone you know, you asking her about it will just put her on the back foot and she won’t apologise or change her stance, she’ll just gossip more after the fact.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 01/03/2020 12:44

I'd be questioning Friend A on why she feels the need to 'stir the pot' to be honest.

If I were Friend A, I would have told my DH to take his gossip elsewhere.

JRUIN · 01/03/2020 12:46

Friend B has every right not to like your DH, but equally you have every right to know why she thinks (and is telling others) that he is controlling. That is indeed if it's even true and friend A's husband isn't just stirring it. Just ask her OP.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 01/03/2020 12:48

One of your friends is a good friend for letting you know what’s being said

Really? She sounds like a trouble maker to me.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 01/03/2020 12:56

People on here are weird. How is Jenny the problem?

Heard it from a friend;
Who hear it from a friend;
Who heard it from another ….

It's second hand news, isn't it? Jenny's heard it from her husband, Frank. It's more than likely lost some of its truth in translation. Perhaps Jenny should tell Frank to stop stirring. And Frank should tell Rebecca to stop gossiping about people.

And … I'm no more weird than any of the other 7 or 8 billion people on the planet Smile

LemonTT · 01/03/2020 13:00

OP

Everyone gets that your question is AIBU to talk to my “friend”. We are finding it difficult to understand what that talk is going to involve?

Are you going to accuse her, without asking her side of the story.
Are you going to ask her to explain her self.
Are you going to just tell her your husband is wonderful and why.
Are you going to tell Frank, you are doing this. After all he accused her of this and he works with her.

There’s something to be said for the Queens mantra. Never complain and never explain. Otherwise there will be consequences of this talk. For Frank at work and for you with your group of friends.

Maybe ask them if they have heard anything. If you talk to her, how will it impact on the group. Is Rebecca a leader or is she a follower. If she is a follower it means the group gave her permission to gossip like this. So this might not just be down to her. If she is a leader, then you might lose the group.

Snowman123 · 01/03/2020 13:03

Agree with others who have said why would friend A tell you this.

What benefit would you possibly get from her telling you.
The older i get the more suspicious I get of "Friends" like A and the more I want to avoid them!!!

Original poster
WhyThisLife · 01/03/2020 13:08

If I were to speak to her I'd just want to say I'd heard this, and ask her why she thinks that way? And ask her, if she is my friend, to refrain from discussing it with other people.

But as others have pointed out, there is the point that Frank works with her so it probably is just best for me to distance myself from now on from Rebecca.

OP posts:
IronShame · 01/03/2020 13:20

I think people need to remember that not everyone is the same. I for example, would much much have preferred that Jenny told me this rather than kept it to herself so I could make sure to distance myself from Rebecca. Not everyone prefers to be kept in the dark. Gossips like that, rely on people keeping it to themselves. Maybe she'd think twice next time if she realised her talk had got back to the person involved.

A pp said it's not easy to tell your friend directly that you think they are in a controlling relationship. That to me is just an excuse. I would have no issue, if I had genuine concern, in bringing this up directly with one of my friends and I have done so before. As a mature adult, I would much sooner do that than gossip about it behind their back to other people. Let's be honest, this isn't about concern on Rebecca's part. It's something new to gossip about.

Perhaps I'm the only one but I would definitely be upset if my husband's friends were discussing me like this and my husband knew and said nothing to them (providing, like the OP, that he disagreed completely with what they were saying), I'd be hurt that he was happy for his 'friend' to be discussing how controlling and horrible I was with other people.

IronShame · 01/03/2020 13:22

OK, so ask Jenny to ask her husband to ask Rebecca to ask her husband what makes him think your DH is controlling

You've misread the OPs posts. This has nothing to do with Rebecca's husband.

LemonTT · 01/03/2020 13:22

In which case, you would be unreasonable and unfair to accuse her of something without asking her to give her side of the story. Even if you think you know the truth. It’s also a poor way to get at the truth and to convince her and others of the truth about your husband.

I think too that it’s unreasonable to tell her she’s not allowed to voice her opinion. At the end of the day she is. It’s not unreasonable to tell her you don’t accept that in your life and to drop her as a friend. But you can’t tell her how to think or how to behave.

Objectively I think your husband is somewhat of an unknown to your friends. Rebecca is perhaps filling a void. Even when you try to put her straight, she is going to continue to do that. Mainly because your talk is more of a dressing down and she will retaliate by doubling down on her version of things.

This group needs a counter opinion. Ideally your husband could show them who is himself. But you can speak up for who is without getting into a spat with Rebecca.

IronShame · 01/03/2020 13:27

I think too that it’s unreasonable to tell her she’s not allowed to voice her opinion

I don't see any problem at all with asking someone, as your friend, not to spread rumours about your husband which you, his wife, are insisting aren't true.

If I were Rebecca, and if I were a good friend (which lets face it, clearly she isn't anyway), I'd respect my friend asking me not to say X Y or Z about her husband and I'd stop doing so if that friendship meant anything to me at all.

Obviously OP can't demand that she doesn't. But I don't see what's wrong with asking her to stop. If one of my friends was saying something negative about me/my family which wasn't true, I'd ask them to stop as well.

KahlanRahl · 01/03/2020 13:42

Why on earth do you care? Your friend is your friend. She doesn't have to like your husband.

I pretty much hate my oldest friends husband (with a reason, he flirts with me when she's not around). It doesn't change our friendship one bit. I just try to see her without him and if not possible I act normal. He is not my friend and doesn't have to be.

Italiangreyhound · 01/03/2020 13:57

It's totally fine to ask Rebecca what she has said or if she thinks there is an issue.

This thread is weird. Thank goodness for some common sense. Totally agree with IronShame "People on here are weird. How is Jenny the problem?"

IronShame · 01/03/2020 13:58

Do you bitch about him to your other friends behind her back, Kahlan?

Oh and the difference is that you have a reason to dislike your friends husband. OP genuinely believes her friend does not which is why she wants to know what it is.

Italiangreyhound · 01/03/2020 14:02

And all the people asking why you care! It's ridiculous.

If random people honestly care so little what other people think of their partners, why would they even bother to read a thread about it!

IronShame · 01/03/2020 14:09

Agreed Italian. I'd hope that my husband would care if his friends were discussing me like that 🤷

IronShame · 01/03/2020 14:15

Why on earth do you care? Your friend is your friend. She doesn't have to like your husband

I absolutely would care if my friends were bitching about my husband in an unfair way.

And I wouldn't do it if it were the other way around. I don't particularly like one of my friends partners for one reason or another. I'm not going to go and discuss that with other people. That would not be fair to my friend. It doesn't matter that I'm my friends friend, not her husband's. Her husband is her husband, she loves him and obviously wouldn't take kindly to her friends gossiping about him behind her back. I wouldn't just turn around and go 'So? I don't have to like him'.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 01/03/2020 14:16

This thread is weird. Thank goodness for some common sense. Totally agree with IronShame "People on here are weird. How is Jenny the problem?"

And I completely agree with Snowman123, it's your "couldn't wait to bring all the bad news to your door" friend, Jenny, that you should be watching.

See, we all have a different take on it Smile

Nowayorhighway · 01/03/2020 14:19

This happened to me in secondary school, it’s playground antics so unless you’re 15 just shrug it off and move on.