To say something to this 'friend'?

[WhyThisLife]

Two friends A & B.

Friend As husband works with Friend B.

Friend As husband has said that friend B has been saying how much she dislikes my husband, calling him all sorts, controlling etc...

Friend A has told me this. I believe friend A completely that this is true, no reason to lie and I know she wouldn't anyway.

AIBU to be upset? Those who've seen my other threads will know what a shit time me and DH are going through right now with multiple pregnancy loss.

The thing that's annoyed me even more is Friend B has met DH about twice and never anything more than a quick 5 minute conversation. She has form for gossiping like this though.

I'm not angry, I'm just upset. Friend B knows everything that's going on at the moment and is being all nice to my face but then talking about my husband, who's also struggling, to my other friends.

Would I be unreasonable to say something? I just want to say I'm not angry but if she has concerns, considering the situation, please can she speak to me and refrain from gossiping about us at an already sensitive time.

I've honestly no idea where these things have come from. My husband isn't controlling or bad at all and I've never suggested as such to friend B. But as I say, she has form for gossip. I would have just hoped at this time, I wouldn't have been the focus of it.

OP, it all sounds rough - and no one needs this crap. I’m sorry.

I don’t really understand why either your or your husband would be the topic of conversation at Friend B/Rebecca and Friend A’s husband/Frank’s workplace? That bit is strange - do their other colleagues know you?

I think next time I saw Rebecca I might say quite casually “I’ve heard you’ve got concerns about my husband - you shouldn’t, he’s wonderful” or something like that. I don’t know. Or maybe leave it.

I can totally understand why you are feeling protective of your husband but unless he knows her colleagues does it matter what they think? They are probably not paying much attention anyway.

I know you are totally fine with friend A but I actually wouldn’t be - I really don’t see why she needed to tell you, it’s just added to your stress. Sometimes people don’t like people for lots of ill-founded reasons, no one has the energy to go around correcting it, but it’s easier not to know unless you can do something about it.

i hear youve concerns about my husband.has something happened do you want to talk to me about it.

I asked whether I'd be unreasonable to say something to her.
Of course not, but you should start with 'I have heard you have made some comments, is that true, can we talk about it''.

Friend A and her husband are both stirring it. You have made a choice that they are both telling the absolute truth, and have damned person B. You don't have any evidence for that belief.
This is how gossip works and why its so dangerous.

Do any of the other people she works with know your husband?

If not, who cares.

Did Frank step in and shut her down?

You don't have any evidence for that belief

The reason I believe it so strongly is because I know friend B. She has terrible form for gossiping and bitching about people.

There's another friend who used to be in our 'group' who doesn't speak to friend B now for this exact reason.

I don't have concrete evidence in the form of video footage or anything no but I feel it's true because I know this person in real life and what they are like.
I don't know why the conversation came about, I think they may have possibly been discussing our situation in terms of the stuff we're going through at the moment.

I've no intention of starting a big spat. I just want to question it. I don't know how to be around friend B if I don't at least query it. I feel it's wrong to just ignore it because it's so completely untrue.

She may deny it, but then hopefully she'll think twice about gossiping again in the future.

Its not just her gossiping; two other people repeated it and passed it to you. If you call one out, call all of them out.

I don't know what 'frank' said in response. I could ask. Frank has never met DH though apart from at our wedding so I'm not sure he could say anything in defence or against though other than he doesn't know.

Why are you friends with B at all? Do you listen to her gossip about other people or challenge her on it?

I don’t think YABU, OP. I’d call Rebecca our on it personally. I’d be upset if Jenny hadn’t told me because I think you should know what kind of person you’re dealing with.

I would call her (not text as they can think up answers) and ask her outright why she said this to Frank

One of your friends is a good friend for letting you know what’s being said. No idea why people think that’s stirring or being unkind. What kind of friend wouldn’t let you know?

Your other friend is an arse and you absolutely should speak to her and find out what she’s been saying and why. She’ll probably deny it, but at least you know she can’t be trusted and I’d pull back from that friendship. Yes, she’s allowed not to like your husband, but openly slagging him off to mutual friends is not ok. She must realise this will cause you pain too and that’s not what real friends do.

I’m sorry you’ve got this stress, but at least you’ve found out and can move to resolve it.

B/Rebecca is not spreading fact, she is spreading opinion, so you can't call her out for lying, just gossiping. However, anybody with a grain of common sense would ignore her anyway, especially if she has such a bad reputation.

I would be wondering about Husband A's ongoing work relationship with B. Wouldn't the shit hit the fan if B discovered that her private converstions were doing the rounds? No more cosy chats in the staff room.

I know that you are completely confident of A's intentions, but it really sounds as though she is stirring things up. What possible value is there in telling you about some daft woman's opinion on your husband. Who cares?

If you call one out, call all of them out

What am I supposed to call Jenny out for? Telling me what another one of my friends has said behind my back? I don't personally see what Jenny has done that's so wrong. She believes it's true and as such has told me about it.

I'd tell my friend if I heard someone had been saying things like this behind their backs too.

I'd wonder why Friend A would tell you this tbh...

And so would I.

She's stirring it and you are letting her.

Whether she's telling the truth or not doesn't matter. Ignore it. I don't like the husbands of all of my friends, and I know other women who don't like their friends husbands either. What do we do? Have as little to do with the men as possible, while not being rude or unsociable.

Do we go running to the women involved saying "X can't stand your DH!"? Of course not - it's rude, it's hurtful and it would destroy a friendship. And that is exactly what "Friend" A is trying to do. She is the one you have to be wary of - not Friend B.

Even if B isn't keen on your DH - so what? We can't like everyone we meet in this life. Maybe he reminds her of a teacher who humiliated her in front of the class, or he wears the same aftershave as a BF who treated her badly. She might not even realise why she isn't keen on him. Does it matter? Do you like everyone the same?

However I suspect that she hasn't said anything of the sort, or a casual remark has been taken out of context. Whatever it was A had no need to tell you - she's deliberately trying to cause trouble here.

I'd say nothing to B, myself. But I'd keep an eye on A.

Who cares?

I care because it's being said to people who matter to me. If it was just said to random work colleagues who don't know me or my husband from Adam then I wouldn't, I'd be a bit wtf yeah but the fact is she's saying thing to my best friends husband. Who then may form an opinion of my husband based on that, which I don't want obviously.

She’ll probably deny it, but at least you know she can’t be trusted

What if she denies it because it isn't true?

Well exactly; OP has made her mind up.

You have two choices. You can either believe some Chinese whispers, that are not straight from the horses mouth so are very liable to have been embellished at the least or you can chose to ignore the gossip.

Not everyone has to like you or your husband. So if friend B has an opinion that you don’t like, maybe it’s best just to ignore and unfriend them. It’s certainly not worth confronting them or saying anything to anyone.
Ignore, move no, be aware. Not much else you can do. But I’d take note that you have a friend who likes to gossip and muckspread.

I don't know why the conversation came about, I think they may have possibly been discussing our situation in terms of the stuff we're going through at the moment.

That would involve at least two people making comments then. The other one being A;'s husband. Do you really believe that he's squeaky clean in this, if the comments are true?

Is it not more likely that something prompted them BITH to have a discussion about your marital situation (takes at least two for a conversation) and she was sympathising with/ defending you? (eg "I worry about Life because he's so determined to be in the right all the time" or something?).

And how do they know about your problems? You or your DH must be telling them.

Personally, I wouldn't want to trust A with any private information, either.

She has form for this. You knew she is a bitchy gossip. You knew she'd fallen out with friends for doing this before. And you continued the friendship. Did you think you would somehow be immune to her bitching and gossiping??

Never ceases to amaze me when people know their 'friend' is shit to other people and then totally shocked when they are treated the same. "I never thought they would do it to ME!".

Whether you confront or not, I think you need to accept that this friend is always going to be disloyal, bitchy and gossipy. You are not somehow 'safe'. And won't be even if you confront her - she'll twist it to fit her salacious narrative that your mean controlling husband made you confront her. Because she gets off on pretending she's 'in the know' and has inside information that others don't. She gets a buzz from gossiping. It gets her attention and makes her think she sounds interesting.

Your best bet is to Just stop being friends. Make sure other friend's husband does a bit of gossiping of his own about that. Her workmates, like you, know what she's like and will take everything with a pinch of salt anyway.

Is it gossiping to state you think someone's husband is controlling?

She may have only met him a few times but surely being a friend, she knows 'of him' and based on what she's heard, she feels he's controlling.

That's her right I suppose. However, her work colleague should have put her straight (if he disagreed) rather than going back and repeating it to his wife who then repeated it to you.

It's all a bit Chinese whispers.

People do talk about people, you cannot stop this. Just let it go. Distance yourself from her if you want to. It's down to tour best friends husband to say, "I'm not interested in talking about x." Tell your best friend not to tell you anymore, because what would that achieve? Apart from hurt feelings.

A/Jenny seems to be the issue here to me as well, not that you believe anyone who says that OP. B/Rebecca is entitled to her opinion, you can't change that and all you have to go on here is gossip from A/Jenny anyway! Bit like you putting this on MN, people talk about stuff all the time and voice their opinions.

yeah but the fact is she's saying thing to my best friends husband. Who then may form an opinion of my husband based on that

Oh, come off it. So this man is going to change his opinion of your husband because someone said they don't like him?

I somehow doubt that. Unless this man is below the age of 6 and this is a playground spat!

I suggest that you grow up and make better friends. True friends don't bitch and repeat overheard gossip about each other.

So if someone was telling you that a person was controlling etc... You wouldn't maybe think that was true? Considering Frank doesn't know my husband, I can understand why you might think 'oh maybe he is then'.

I'm not shocked either. Hence why I believe it's true. It doesn't surprise me that she's said it because she gossips a lot.

It just annoys me, I'm protective of my husband yes and maybe I'm being overly sensitive right now but yeah it fucks me off when my husband is the one person who's actually supporting me the most, being lovely and kind, holding me up through all this shit and then there's people who barely know him spreading unfair crap about him.

I don't know how not to say anything. I'll definitely be distancing myself from Rebecca. Because I couldn't see her and not question it.