To say something to this 'friend'?

[WhyThisLife]

Two friends A & B.

Friend As husband works with Friend B.

Friend As husband has said that friend B has been saying how much she dislikes my husband, calling him all sorts, controlling etc...

Friend A has told me this. I believe friend A completely that this is true, no reason to lie and I know she wouldn't anyway.

AIBU to be upset? Those who've seen my other threads will know what a shit time me and DH are going through right now with multiple pregnancy loss.

The thing that's annoyed me even more is Friend B has met DH about twice and never anything more than a quick 5 minute conversation. She has form for gossiping like this though.

I'm not angry, I'm just upset. Friend B knows everything that's going on at the moment and is being all nice to my face but then talking about my husband, who's also struggling, to my other friends.

Would I be unreasonable to say something? I just want to say I'm not angry but if she has concerns, considering the situation, please can she speak to me and refrain from gossiping about us at an already sensitive time.

I've honestly no idea where these things have come from. My husband isn't controlling or bad at all and I've never suggested as such to friend B. But as I say, she has form for gossip. I would have just hoped at this time, I wouldn't have been the focus of it.

If you're happy to end the friendship over it by all means confront her. It doesn't sound like it'd be any great loss anyway,

Considering Frank doesn't know my husband, I can understand why you might think 'oh maybe he is then'.

I'm sure Jenny will have put Frank right.

Aske her/ don't ask her; distance yourself/ don't distance yourself - you aren't prepared to wonder why Jenny might have a reason for saying something to hurt you, or to consider that there may have been something "lost in translation"; you have been friends with a "bitchy gossip" who speaks ill of people - and presumably have enjoyed her comments about others.

You reap what you sow.

People on here are weird. How is Jenny the problem?

So a lifelong friend decides to give you a heads up that your other friend is bitching about your husband and apparently she's more of the issue than the original friend B/Rebecca.

If Jenny had not said anything to me in this situation I'd be more mad.

If Rebecca has genuine concerns about OPs husband she should be speaking to OP not other people. That's not concern, that's gossip.

What reason at all would Jenny's husband have to make that up? Considering OP knows these people in real life, I think she'd have a better idea as to who would be lying in these circumstances and who would be telling the truth.

If I worked with one of the friends of my husband's best friend and that person was was bitching about them, or telling them concerns about them being in a controlling relationship, I'd tell my husband about it so he could 1. have a word to make sure it wasn't true/ if they needed any help and 2. If it wasn't true, to let them know what's being said.

Bitches and gossips get away with this shit because no one calls them out on it. Why shouldn't Rebecca be questioned? The only thing that Jenny keeping this to herself would have done is given Rebecca the okay to carry on doing it.

If OP is adamant that Rebecca has no reason to question her husband or think this of him then I don't see a problem in asking Rebecca about it.

If she can say it to other people then she can explain her reasons to OP can't she.

So if someone was telling you that a person was controlling etc...You wouldn't maybe think that was true? Considering Frank doesn't know my husband, I can understand why you might think 'oh maybe he is then'.

He's married to your friend. If you friend doesn't agree your husband is controlling, why wouldn't she put her husband straight?

Or are you worried his wife might secretly agree?

If you're not worried, then I don't understand your way of thinking?

So a lifelong friend decides to give you a heads up that your other friend is bitching about your husband and apparently she's more of the issue than the original friend B/Rebecca.

It’s ridiculous! I’d tell my friends if their apparent friends were gossiping about them. They’d want to know, as would I if it was the other way round.

Cut friend B loose OP. She’s no friend.

If you know, absolutely know, your husband is a saint then why so upset?

You wouldn't be upset if someone were telling your friends what you feel to be unfair untruths about your husband? I would be and I'd ask them why they felt that way if I believe they genuinely had no reason to. Just as I'd hope my husband would be if it were me being spoken unfairly about in his friendship group.

She can have an opinion yes but she can also explain that opinion to OP can't she, rather than stating it as fact to other people and being all nice to OPs face.

Talking about Jenny sowing a seed in OPs mind. How is that not exactly what Rebecca is doing about OPs husband to other people?

If she’s known for being a malicious gossip then surely people won’t believe what she says?

I think it was unkind of friend A to tell you, especially when you’re going through tough times.

You have already decided to absolve her of any responsibility though, even though her actions aren’t really any different to those of (allegedly) friend B.

I would stop confiding in friend B.

For those asking, Jenny told Frank that Rebecca is being ridiculous and DH is not controlling. She said to him 'if he were, why is she coming out with me tonight?!'.

I don't think Frank believes it necessarily, that's not what it's about. It's the fact that he very well could have done based on what Rebecca said.

There's been people on this thread hinting that perhaps DH is these things, I just can't see it at the moment because of X Y or Z, or maybe it's something I've said to her etc... Which is a perfect example of how people believe this shit or 'why else would she have said it'.

Frank isn't the issue. If she's saying it to him though, who else is she saying this to? I'd prefer to clear this up now.

My first question is to ask if there a reason why your close friends and their husbands have never really met your husband. Does he avoid them and your friendship group in general? It’s quite unusual and I wonder if this isn’t playing into the negative feeling about your husband. Or a lack of understanding about what kind of man he is.

Accepting you believe that a conversation took place, it happened between Jenny’s husband and Rebecca. That’s 2 people talking about your husband. Who they don’t know and have only met briefly. Did Frank knock her back or just accept that he doesn’t know your husband. Frank has a role on this too. Something you have to factor in because this issue could widen and you might have to talk to Frank.

What do you want from the talk with Rebecca? You mention contradictory outcomes. Sometimes you say the truth. But you have made up your mind. What if she tells you, the whole thing was down to Frank and she just agreed. What if she can back that up. What if she tells you things about your husband you don’t know, maybe true, maybe not.

Do you want an apology or do you want to tell her home truths. Is this talk a way to tell her what a nice man your husband is. Or to tell her she is a bitch. Is it a good time for you to have a heated confrontation?

On the whole it might be worthwhile, asking your husband to engage more with your friendship group. That way they might get a true impression of him.

When B's gossip lies, A's should pointedly tell them it is lies and not bother you with it.

I would stop confiding in friend B

Are you suggesting that I must have confided in friend B that DH is some horrible controlling person and that's why she's said it? Because I've done nothing of the sort (because he isn't).

Gah apostrophy stupidness.

A wasn't there to 'point out its a lie'. A barely knows Rebecca.

The only connection with Jenny and Rebecca is that they are my friends and that Jenny's husband happens to works with Rebecca.

sorry but this is super petty. just ask rebecca outright can you not say anything about my husband in future or if you must talk to me about it. or dont say anything - you and Jenny clearly dont like her much anyway so just dont be her friend. really not big enough of a deal to be in such turmoil over it.

me personally I wouldnt bat an eyelid if someone who has form for this and who I clearly didnt like that much said my partner was controlling.

"typical rebecca, it'll be someone else next week"

Flower, that's exactly what I've suggested I do from the start...

also it of interest what does Jenny think you should do about it? what was her expectation when she told you?

so why the thread in the nicest way?

I think I'm just more protective at the moment over DH. Maybe I'd be able to just roll my eyes at any other time but right now, it upsets me because of the amount of shit we're going through and if people think he's controlling and horrible then I want to be able to put that straight.

None of our husbands have ever really met. We just don't do many things as couples. That's not just DH, we just sort of have more separate friend groups.

It's quite evident if you read it that I was asking if that would be unreasonable, to ask Rebecca about it.

You found out that someone is gossiping about you and it has made you very angry. You want to go and 'have it out' with that person.

I don't think you need to justify yourself. Go ahead and let rip if it makes you feel better.

It's quite evident if you read it that I was asking if that would be unreasonable, to ask Rebecca about it.

It's not unreasonable but be prepared to hear things you'd obviously rather not (Rebecca's opinions).

Otherwise just leave it. She's entitled to feel how she feels.

Right.

You obviously don't like Rebecca so I'm not sure why you're friends with a malicious gossip who you dislike.

Why Jenny felt the need to tell you is beyond me. What can you do about it? Rebecca is entitled to her opinion about your husband, even if you think she's wrong.

You could "call her out" but for what? To make her change her mind about your husband? Does it matter what she thinks?

You say she's saying these things to people who are important to you. Well, if they know your husband they'll have their own opinions. If they agree with her, still doesn't affect your life in any way, does it?

I'd question why your adult husband cares about what strangers think of him. Or even acquaintances.

And if he's sensible enough not to care, I'd question why you're determined to make a big deal out of it!