To not let mil look after baby at her house.

[namechange2309]

I return to work next month following maternity leave. Will be working 3 days. My mum will be having baby on one day and going to nursery the other 2 days. Unfortunately my brother has had to have heart surgery so mum is focusing on his recovery, so we are going to put baby in nursery an extra day.
Here's the difficult part. Mil has offered to gave baby on the Monday. I have said no. AIBU?
Bit of background. Mil helps SIL everyday with her kids (7 under 11). They do all school runs and feed them tea at her house. SIL also has 5 dogs so mil has to help her walk these daily too. SIL does not work.
I don't feel bsby will get attention she needs.
Mil is also a bit of a hoarder. Piles of books eveywhere. Prepares food on dining table where dogs sit (they also have 2).
I have said if mil has baby at our house we could look at it but this won't happen. There's more things but what's your thoughts.

@Ydl22 because if you read the op my mum will be having my baby one day per week when I return to work. She'll be going day nursery the other 2 days.
My brother has unfortunately had to have surgery so we've agreed that whilst he recovers my mum should put him first and not have baby as well. I suggested an extra day at nursery, which my mum said she'd pay for as she would normally have baby and didn't want us to pay the extra expense.
I turned that down.
Mil kindly offered to have baby for those 4 weeks instead of the extra nursery day. But I felt bad saying no to her, hence this thread. The reasons over the dogs, house conditions and all the other children are why I said no. Why is it ridiculous?

@Moomin8 the reason I put she was ill or disabled was because somebody unthread asked if she was.
She doesn't work because she doesn't have too. Thts her choice. She's actually a lovely person just has bitten off more than she can cope with.

@diddl FIL has health issues and has to sleep in an afternoon as he gets exhausted easily. I wouldn't add extra stress to him either.

Well.OP if you dont like it and your DP doesn't like it then you have no choice. Do what you think is right for your child and if they don't like it then tough!

@NoSauce because you said about how staff are under qualified and I wanted an opinion on if I was being under to mil by saying no to her offer of help

That wasn’t me. I just find it odd that you’d start this thread knowing full well what your thoughts are and that you have no intention of letting MIL look after her at her house, I doubt you’d be happy even if she offered to have her at yours tbh.

How amazing you MIL has offered when she already has her hands full. Count your blessings OP my kids grandparents (both sets) have never minded any of my kids...not once. Not that I expect them too but they rarely visit or take any interest whatsoever. Amazes me just how involved and helpful other peoples parents/in laws are with their grandkids

You MIL sounds incredibly capable of looking after your baby, but I wouldn't want my 8mo to be around 7 dogs especially if there are no dog-free food prep areas.

@NoSauce I do apologise. I didn't realise that wasn't you. Sorry.
I'd be more than happy for her to have her at my house. She is lovely with baby when she sees her and on the two occasions she has seen her since Christmas has enjoyed bathing her and putting her to bed. She's just so snowed under with SIL she never has time to come here. By the time they all go uo after tea it'd be 6:30 by the time mil got here and baby does to bed at 7. And mil is exhausted by that tlme.

But no I'd not add a baby into the mix of an already busy household

Haven’t read the full thread but my dad grew up in a house like that - 5 kids, 6-8 dogs, 30 or so cats. My mum was horrified at the cat that was allowed to live on the table because it had been poorly as a kitten. Etc etc. It’s a clash of values and ultimately you have to decide what’s right for your own child.

Your poor MIL sounds like she has too much going on already but is kind enough to offer to take an 8 month old on as well! However YANBU to say no.

Did she object when you said no? Otherwise I’m not sure why you feel conflicted.

I wouldn’t be offering your own house either as there is every chance that would put more strain on your MIL if she had to leave her dogs or SIL for a day or bring some of the other children with her.

And then there's the pond...

I’d thank her, observe that she already has a lot on her plate during weekdays and say what would really help you most would be one babysitting session at your house a month on a weekday afternoon and evening. Make it clear that you are really keen for your Nablus to develop a relationship with her.

" FIL has health issues and has to sleep in an afternoon as he gets exhausted easily."

Yet MIL & SIL stay there with the kids & don't go to SIL's?

@diddl yes, he is upstairs for his nap.

That seems really strange to me.

I would have thought that SIL would want to be in her own place with her kids!

Especially if her dad's not well & needs to nap.

I wouldn’t allow anyone including my own mother too care for my baby (or older kids) in that circumstances. Also I will give you a word of warning if you do allow your MIL to watch dd at your house. Your SIL is very reliant on her mother so you well come home to find your SIL and her kids (possibly dogs too) at your house to keep your MIL “company”. This happened to me when I offered my MIL to watch my baby. I did this purely to let her spend one to one time with the baby as my SIL is so demanding of MIL time my kids don’t get a look in. I would come home every time to find my SIL and her dd at my house (this was 2 hours babysitting once a week so not a long time). They didn’t seem to think it was inappropriate to just turn up at someone’s house and invite yourself in when the owner wasn’t there and hadn’t been asked was it ok. They also thought it was acceptable to allow the child up my stairs into my kids bedroom to take toys (we have toys down the stairs so no excuse for being up my stairs). I stopped the babysitting ASAP and paid the childminder or asked a good friend instead. I felt my privacy and home were totally invaded. My MIL and SIL are so reliant and needy of each other they have lost all sense of what is acceptable and normal behaviour.

Your SIL doesn't work and has her mother running in circles after 7 kids and 5 dogs?

I'll tell my daughter where to go.

God no. Nursery for the extra day. Your poor MIL! Maybe when your DD is a bit older it’ll be fun for the sort of rough and tumble outdoorsy upbringing some pp seem to be imagining (although tbh that many dogs would be a no no for me even with older children) but not for an 8 month old.

Maybe your MIL feels she has to offer to help you as she does so much for her own dd? Just decline and use the nursery.

Poor bloody woman.

You were right to offer a more peaceful escape and time with your DC - and you're also right to put your baby into Nursery if she feels unable to say no to your SIL for one day a week.

Why would someone choose to have 5 dogs if you've already need help looking after 7 kids?

@Vulpine if I had the space and money and a small holding I'd love to have lots of animals for the kids. Unfortunately I don't.
I don't think SIL realises how much she has on as she always has help.

Don’t rely on either your mum or your mil for childcare. Just use nursery and let them have decent granny time afterwards.

So Sil has 7 DC, 5 dogs and completely relies on her mother?
Your Mil needs to learn to say no, if your Bil has a well paid job he should pay a dog walker, a nanny and a vasectomy, they are ripping the piss out that poor woman.