DH hates it when I go out

[Babybundle007]

AIBU to think this is very childish behaviour from DH...…...he HATES it when I go out with friends, to town, for a meal or for a drink with the girls. He doesn't get angry, just petulant and moody and quiet. When I ask him (wearily) what's wrong, he says "nothing! I'm alright." And then continues his sulky silence.

It really makes me cross. It's like having a selfish child hanging around. Tonight I'm going with a girly friend to see "Emma" at the cinema, followed by a meal and perhaps a few drinks. Nothing mad, we're not going to paint the town red. But I got the run-down of 101 questions. "Where are you going to eat?" "Who are you going with?" And then, when I told him...……….."Oh right. Her."

And the bit that really fucks me off more than anything is that we otherwise have a good marriage. We're loving, we're good friends, we have a healthy sex life. Why does he get so jealous and silly about me going out? It's not even as if I go out much at all...…...I think I average one night out once every three to four months!

I honestly am cross with him for behaving like a child and being so fucking selfish in this matter. It's almost like he's punishing me for going out, with friends. He doesn't like it either if I dress up to go out; he'll say things like "you don't dress up for me!" and "you look nice," (but in a grumpy, sulky way that clearly means "behave yourself.")

Aaaargghhhhh!!!!!

He’s hoping the more difficult he makes it the less you’ll enjoy it and, eventually, stop going.

YANBU

Have you called him out on it?

Dose he go out often?? Maybe he paints the town red when he goes out.

I also think it’s important to go out as a couple Zand dress up for each other. Xx

Seconding that he's hoping the sulking will stop you from wanting to go. Arsehole. What happens if you say "Are you genuinely thinking I will cancel my plans if you sulk passively-aggressively enough?"

He sounds like my ASD 12yr old who also doesn’t like me going out. They get anxious and controlling. The tantrums can be so immense, but they have improved as the child has learnt that they have no effect - I go out anyway.

You say you otherwise have a good marriage but that would be a deal breaker for me. It's awful behaviour from him and just not normal in a healthy relationship. How long have you been together? I've been with DH over 20 years. I adore him but can honestly say that we would definitely not be together if he pulled that shit every time I went out. Not a chance.

Yes I think he's hoping the sulking will weigh on my mind. It's the passive-aggressive nature of it that really gets on my tits. If you're mad, fucking own it! I've told him this. He just continues as normal. Right pisses me off.

This would be huge for me. DP loves when I go out, almosts cheerleads it and is exciting for me having fun and he will happily sit on his xbox with a chinese (saving me some of course ) vice versa also.

You need to have a serious conversation about it

This is totally unfair behaviour, poor you OP. You have done nothing to make him act this way; if anything, he should be pleased that you have a nice circle of friends and enjoy a bit of time out with them! I love it when my DP goes out, as it means I get time on my own to do what I like... My DP I feels the same. This sort of behaviour can spiral so please, please say something before he becomes controlling (if he hasn't become that already)!

I wouldn't accept this passive aggressive bullshit either OP... tell him to grow the hell up ... enjoy your night with the girls 🌺

Have you ever asked him outright why he doesn't like you going out?

When I ask him (wearily) what's wrong, he says "nothing! I'm alright." And then continues his sulky silence
For a start I'd stop engaging with his bullshit. Dont ask him what's wrong, just ignore. And when he says you look nice just say thank you and go out. He sounds incredibly irritating.

Ridiculous behaviour! When I get dressed up and go out, my DP kisses me, makes a big fuss about how good I look (even when I know I don't) and makes some joke about hoping I have enough energy for him when I get back. He then has a nice peaceful evening playing video games or some similar shit. Your husband is being doubly shit - first by having a problem with you going out and second by not having the emotional intelligence to face his feeling head on and articulate them like a sensible person.

OP, does he message you a lot when you're out too? Or does he leave you alone and let you get on with it? Does he give you grief once you return?

Ignore him just as you would a toddler having a tantrum. He’s being an arse.

Stop asking him what’s wrong!

Like a child - don’t reward bad behaviour with attention.

He's jealous and probably does not trust you. Have a serious word. This can't continue.

Does he have any friends he socialises with?

Sounds like he’s jealous that you have friends to go out with and he doesn’t.

He's pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. No way would I ask if anything is wrong, I would be so cheerful, he would probably implode. Keep saying how much you are looking forward to going out, how excited you are.... bring matters to a head and if he finally has the balls to say properly that he doesn't like you going out... give it to him with both barrels.

My DH has a niche hobby and goes out 3-4 nights a week. I don't mind, I get peace, he is doing something he loves, everyone's happy. But more importantly, I am happy that he is happy.

Your DH sounds an arse

You are engaging far too much.

I'd move to operation desensitise.

Make a pact with yourself to go out at least monthly, better fortnightly. Ignore the moods. Pretend you haven't noticed he is off with you. Limit the chat about what you'll do when out, like what you'll eat.

He'll catch himself on and get over his nonsense if it is not giving him what he seeks.

He's a jealous twat. He's hoping to grind you down so you don't go out anymore and that's worrying.
Also, had a friend once who had this trouble and it turns out the husband was cheating. Basically, he was projecting that she must be getting up to what he did when he went out.

The thing is, unfortunately you don't have a good marriage, because on one level his attitude underpins everything. Doesn't matter if you only go out every couple of days, months or weeks. Passive aggressive behaviour is almost always about control.

I get this sometimes OP and I'm going out too tonight. So far he's been fine about it but there's still time yet for him to get moody.

I have had all sorts of comments before, why else would I want to do make up, hair, dress up other than to attract men is one of my favourites. As if you can't just enjoy looking nice sometimes without it being to attract an affair.

He hates if I go into the city so I just don't go anymore. I just end up staying local. Apparently the city is full of men who'll stare at me or some shit.

My problem is he never goes out. So he makes it easy to believe that I'm just immature or wrong etc... For still wanting to because he never does. I'd actually prefer it if he did go out so I could do so without feeling guilty.

Like you, he is fine in every other way but has some major trust issues in this respect. And yes it's done to guilt us into not going. He'd never outright say he didn't want me to go but he'll be obviously grumpy about it.

I know if he ever knew I'd been dancing in a bar or club he'd go mental, saying it was just for men's attention etc...

It's wrong and it's controlling. I just ignore it now and do what I want, tell him he can leave if he doesn't like it. He usually only lasts a few hours before he starts realising how stupid he's being.

He used to come out with us as a group but I refuse to do that anymore because he ruins it every time due to making some comment about me or getting insecure somehow.

Your marriage is good when you're behaving as he dictates. When you don't..? Not so good now is it? A man who sulks when his wife dares to go out without him is waving a big red flag...