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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH hates it when I go out

96 replies

Babybundle007 · 29/02/2020 14:16

AIBU to think this is very childish behaviour from DH...…...he HATES it when I go out with friends, to town, for a meal or for a drink with the girls. He doesn't get angry, just petulant and moody and quiet. When I ask him (wearily) what's wrong, he says "nothing! I'm alright." And then continues his sulky silence.

It really makes me cross. It's like having a selfish child hanging around. Tonight I'm going with a girly friend to see "Emma" at the cinema, followed by a meal and perhaps a few drinks. Nothing mad, we're not going to paint the town red. But I got the run-down of 101 questions. "Where are you going to eat?" "Who are you going with?" And then, when I told him...……….."Oh right. Her."

And the bit that really fucks me off more than anything is that we otherwise have a good marriage. We're loving, we're good friends, we have a healthy sex life. Why does he get so jealous and silly about me going out? It's not even as if I go out much at all...…...I think I average one night out once every three to four months!

I honestly am cross with him for behaving like a child and being so fucking selfish in this matter. It's almost like he's punishing me for going out, with friends. He doesn't like it either if I dress up to go out; he'll say things like "you don't dress up for me!" and "you look nice," (but in a grumpy, sulky way that clearly means "behave yourself.")

Aaaargghhhhh!!!!!

OP posts:
diddl · 29/02/2020 14:57

It's not like he's punishing you-he is punishing you!

He's nasty.

I'd be thinking about leaving tbh-who can be bothered with that shit?

Liveandforget · 29/02/2020 15:01

You need to make the going out a more regular thing.

DonnaDarko · 29/02/2020 15:04

It sounds like a form of control and he could turn abusive. Has he always been like this or did it start when you got married?

You didn't mention kids, do you have any? A lot of domestic abuse, physical or otherwise, tends to start or increase during pregnancy.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/02/2020 15:05

Do men like this also mind if you go and see your family?

LorenzoStDubois · 29/02/2020 15:06

This will never get better.
Good luck to you.

TheresGonnaBeARain · 29/02/2020 15:09

YABU for saying “girly friend“

Apart from that, YANBU.

RandomMess · 29/02/2020 15:10

Does he go out with his friends?

TheYearOfTheDog · 29/02/2020 15:11

If he sulks with you tomorrow, go out again, tomorrow night..

He's trying to train you not to go out. If you aren't going to leave him, you have to show there are repercussions to sulking.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/02/2020 15:14

Your future with this man is very grim indeed. Sorry, but your marriage is shit and this would be a total deal breaker for me.

Comtesse · 29/02/2020 15:19

Needs to get used to it - I’d go out once a week til he stops moaning. Just to go to the gym or late night shopping centre. Unacceptable behaviour from him, seriously no good.

mistermagpie · 29/02/2020 15:20

My ex husband (note the ex) did this. It was so boring, he would barely speak to me when I was getting ready and when I got home again. Then he started sulking whenever I even told him I had a night out coming up. I'm not now, nor have I ever been, a party animal, but we were together for the whole of my 20s so this happened a lot.

He's trying to spoil your fun, obviously, to the extent that he hopes eventually you'll think his punishment (because, make no bones about it, that's what this is) isn't worth the fun you'll have on your night out or whatever. It's a very dangerous position to be in, because this kind of behaviour can escalate into him trying to control you in other ways. Eventually I 'wasn't allowed' to go out with my friends at all.

Moonlite · 29/02/2020 15:21

Your marriage isnt shit OP, you have a good marriage apart from this sulking when you go out. I'd sit and have a talk with him to see why he is behaving this way. I'm guessing either he does trust you (maybe previous relationship ended because of an affair? Or maybe a parent had an affair? Just guessed) Or he has very low self esteem and worries you will meet someone better. None of these things excuse his behaviour but in a marriage that is otherwise fine I certainly wouldnt just throw it all away. Does he have friends?

Moonlite · 29/02/2020 15:22

Doesnt*

Thymelord · 29/02/2020 15:24

My ex husband was like this. It was one of the main reasons he is my ex.

OP, absolutely do not engage with him. Don't ask him what's wrong. Do you really want to carry on like this? He will get worse, not better.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 29/02/2020 15:24

Your marriage isnt shit OP, you have a good marriage apart from this sulking when you go out.

Nonsense. This isn't a good marriage. It's controlling bullshit that seems to be excusable because maybe he's been cheated on or maybe he's insecure. Controlling behaviour is not indicative of a good marriage by anyone's yardstick.

AngstyAnnie · 29/02/2020 15:25

I get this from my husband but not quite as obviously. It's very subtle and he would never say it outright but I know he doesn't like it when I go out and would prefer if I never did.

Like a pp's husband my DH also never goes out with friends and so this gives him leverage to imply that it's a bit pathetic/immature for me to want to still go out. He stopped practically all socializing as soon as we got married/had the DC. It's bizarre as we're still relatively young (early 30s) and I'm not ready to accept that life is over just because we "settled down".

Does your DH have outdated views on gender roles OP? Sexist views towards women? Are you much more physically attractive than him? Wondering if he's just insecure or if it's part of a more potentially sinister pattern?

bananafish · 29/02/2020 15:25

Yes - he’s trying to guilt you into not going and also making sure that if you do go, you know that you’ll pay for it with his moodiness when you get home. I mean why would you want to go out when you could instead enjoy his scintillating company Hmm

DH used to do this. Call him out on it every single time is the way. “The way you are behaving with your sulking makes me think that you don’t want me to go out and are trying to punish me for wanting a social life? That’s terrible, no? Have a think about that whilst I’m gone; don’t wait up”.

Then ignore and gone on about your business. It is absolutely his problem and he gets one warning so he knows not to mess with you and then it’s up to him how he behaves but you won’t be playing.

My DH has stopped now - I know he’s still not thrilled but he asks me (nicely) if I had a good time and no post event sulking. Result!

Connie222 · 29/02/2020 15:26

I had this.
I stopped going out it was too much hassle.

DowntonCrabby · 29/02/2020 15:28

I’d start going out more and completely ignore all the sulking.

hazell42 · 29/02/2020 15:34

My husband used to start an argument every time I went out.
The argument was never about the going out, he said.
But, of course, it was.
By the end of our marriage i went out twice a year, on my birthday and on his, and we were back home for 9 o'clock.
He went out 5 nights a week.
We're divorced now, and I go out whenever I want!

billy1966 · 29/02/2020 15:34

You don't have a good marriage OP.

You have a
Controlling
Bullying
Sulking
Mean
Twat of a husband

He wants you to stop going out.
He wants you to feel it isn't worth the hassle.

Bullying, nasty twat.
I wouldn't put up with it.

He doesn't care enough about you to WANT you to have a nice evening.

He doesn't care enough about you to think you deserve a nice evening out.

He is so selfish and wrapped up in what he wants he is more than happy to spoil your occasional night out.

If it was me...I would go absolutely nuclear on him and tell him if he EVER so much as gives you the side eye re going out again you will take it that your marriage is in very serious trouble and be taking steps to protect yourself.

Nice, decent men DO NOT behave like this.Flowers

mistermagpie · 29/02/2020 15:35

I'd be astonished if the marriage was otherwise great apart from in this one area. Having been married to a man like this, I'd say there will be other areas in which he will want to have control or deploy the silent treatment.

Double3xposure · 29/02/2020 15:37

You are engaging far too much

I'd move to operation desensitise

Make a pact with yourself to go out at least monthly, better fortnightly. Ignore the moods. Pretend you haven't noticed he is off with you. Limit the chat about what you'll do when out, like what you'll eat

This is excellent advice.

iheartislesofwight · 29/02/2020 15:40

some of the responses on here ffs words fail me. moonlite i agree with you, it isn't shit but he needs retraining that you will do stuff with friends or want to go out by yourself, go and ignore the sulking, he'll get over it. i had the same problem with my dh, and sorry folks ut we have a very good marriage, i know why he is the way he is and now it's been discussed we are on a level footing, end of agro. your dh is insecure and possibly jealous, randoms on here don't know the full history of your marriage and individual backgrounds, as for the 'controlling and red flag business' this seems to be a current trend on mn along with you know what.
if you are otherwise happy don't let randoms encourage you to ltb.

iheartislesofwight · 29/02/2020 15:44

how long have you been together ? any dc? and does the sulking go for for a long time ? i used to go out and when i got back i'd talk and carry on as normal, he get over other his mood quickly.