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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH hates it when I go out

96 replies

Babybundle007 · 29/02/2020 14:16

AIBU to think this is very childish behaviour from DH...…...he HATES it when I go out with friends, to town, for a meal or for a drink with the girls. He doesn't get angry, just petulant and moody and quiet. When I ask him (wearily) what's wrong, he says "nothing! I'm alright." And then continues his sulky silence.

It really makes me cross. It's like having a selfish child hanging around. Tonight I'm going with a girly friend to see "Emma" at the cinema, followed by a meal and perhaps a few drinks. Nothing mad, we're not going to paint the town red. But I got the run-down of 101 questions. "Where are you going to eat?" "Who are you going with?" And then, when I told him...……….."Oh right. Her."

And the bit that really fucks me off more than anything is that we otherwise have a good marriage. We're loving, we're good friends, we have a healthy sex life. Why does he get so jealous and silly about me going out? It's not even as if I go out much at all...…...I think I average one night out once every three to four months!

I honestly am cross with him for behaving like a child and being so fucking selfish in this matter. It's almost like he's punishing me for going out, with friends. He doesn't like it either if I dress up to go out; he'll say things like "you don't dress up for me!" and "you look nice," (but in a grumpy, sulky way that clearly means "behave yourself.")

Aaaargghhhhh!!!!!

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock · 29/02/2020 15:53

Deal breaker for me too. I can't stand moody, jealous, passively aggressive behaviour.
Watch this space you might find yourself 5 years down the line, to realise he succeeded. Dsis DH is like this. He has finally managed to manipulate her into thinking she doesn't like socialising. I wonder why? Who'd like socialising if they have to put up with his attitude every time.

GrumpyHoonMain · 29/02/2020 16:10

Does he go out? Do you ever go out with him? His comments would be understandable it you’re out every weekend

fantasmasgoria1 · 29/02/2020 16:11

That is controlling behaviour. My first husband began like that then came the affair accusations then soon after I was informed that I was not allowed to go out. He was abusive in every way possible in any case but the coercive control is awful. Obviously I'm not saying your dh is abusive in other ways but behaving like he is when you go out is controlling and his hope is you will get upset about his behaviour and think if it upsets him I won't go out and before you know it your social life will be gone.

kingkuta · 29/02/2020 16:11

your dh is insecure and possibly jealous
Oh, no shit!! Who the fuck would want to be with a man like that. Someone who makes you feel so bad about going out that you stop having a life. And as for retraining, as if they're a dog or something, no thanks. I'm not wasting my life trying to 'train' another person to act decently. I just made sure I married someone who wasn't a twat

turnandfacethenamechange · 29/02/2020 16:21

Ignore the moods. Pretend you haven't noticed he is off with you

I don't think this will help. OP a lot of people on MN will tell you to break up but if the relationship is otherwise good and you want to work on it he has to be made to talk about where these feelings come from or nothing will change.

When DP and me first got it together he had been cheated on in his two previous relationships (once by his Ex wife who had multiple affairs for years and constantly lied and snuck around). DP had some irrational outbursts and thought patterns to start with which I think is a defence mechanism to falling for someone new. Things started to change when I was able to get his to admit/realize his irrational thought patterns. It got to the stage where I sat him down and said look I love you very much but your irrational thoughts are causing me to be unhappy and if you're unwilling to address them we won't have a future together. So occasionally he'd still have a flair up of panic/fear/suspicion but I'd quickly flag it and we'd have a conversation about where that feeling came from. After a few months it all calmed down and we've been together four years now. I haven't seen evidence of any further irrational jealousy...I expect it still occurs internally now and then but he's got a lot more self aware when it comes to recognising it. Good luck!

WaggleWiggle · 29/02/2020 16:28

I’d stop asking him what’s wrong and breeze out of the house. What’s the point in asking him if all you get is a sulky little boy hoping to emotionally manipulate you into doing what he wants? Is he jealous or possessive in other ways? Has he ever cheated on anyone?

Parker231 · 29/02/2020 16:34

His behaviour would last two seconds with me. I go out with friends regularly and am off to San Francisco tomorrow for work. DH gives me lifts if he is free and wishes me a good time.

Roussette · 29/02/2020 16:38

NameyChangey That's awful, how do you put up with it?

How would your DH cope with someone who goes on a girls holiday every year (sometimes two!) and I have done for over 30 years of marriage? (Me!) He also has golf holidays, he is not put upon BTW!

These men don't own you. Who the hell do they they they are? I do my own thing, my DH does his own thing and I was a person in my own right before I met him. As was he. I sure as hell didn't get married to find I had the equivalent of an over protective father tut tutting every time I went out.

Londonmummy66 · 29/02/2020 16:40

Best way to deal with this sort of PA sulking etc imo is to ignore it and go all bright and breezy on him. If he is monosyllabic then you could provide a lengthy and relentlessly cheerful description of what you did on your night out.

If he sees its not working he might stop.

BoredOfTheBoard · 29/02/2020 16:42

Hes a controlling bastard. Dump the fucker and find someone who will let you have a life

notacooldad · 29/02/2020 16:53

I would do what mu friend did.
She had a silly husband who claimed nothing was wrong when challenged.
She asked him out right if he was happy with her going out. He.predictable said 'yeah , of course' to which she replied' well try telling that too your fucking face" and went straight out without mollycoddling him. Before this she went through a sequence of reassuring him and making sure he was ok. Who has time or inclination for that shit. Now when he sulks.which to be fair has reduced, she won't put up with it.
Funny. he isnt so needy when he wants to go out though!

Poppinjay · 29/02/2020 16:57

Ask yourself why he wouldn't want you to enjoy yourself with your friends now and then.

If he loved and cared for you, it would be important to him that you had friendships.

If you are young and planning to have children, think very carefully about it. This kind of behaviour is often the thin end of the wedge. Once you are pregnant, it could escalate and you could end up in a very abusive relationship.

How does he respond when you disgree with him about something other than you going out?

Does he have an issue with you talking to other men?

Does he like to keep tabs on you when you aren't together by texting lots/using a tracking app?

katy1213 · 29/02/2020 17:03

I think you need to get out more often!

EmeraldShamrock · 29/02/2020 17:28

well try telling that too your fucking face 🤣

waterlego · 29/02/2020 18:23

I couldn’t live like this. DH and I have been together 20+ years and are in our early 40s. We socialise together (because we enjoy each other’s company) and separately. We go out with our own friends for meals or to the pub, and both do sports/activities without the other. Each of us have been on trips abroad without the other to visit friends. The only stipulation is making sure it’s on our joint calendar so that we don’t double-book ourselves as our children are still young enough to need supervision most of the time. I can’t imagine not having my own social life and friendships.

Actually I can, because my first boyfriend was a controlling arsehole who restricted my life in every possible way. I swore I would never again be with someone like that.

If your DH has a genuine anxiety or a difficult past which is causing his discomfort, he will need to be a grown-up about it and open a discussion with you.

2020newme · 29/02/2020 18:40

This would be a deal breaker for me too. He sounds awful.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 29/02/2020 18:53

Don’t have a baby with this man whatever you do.

Yours

PHSG

Nanny0gg · 29/02/2020 18:56

He's being an idiot.

But, out of curiosity, do you go out together and does he go out with friends?

billy1966 · 29/02/2020 23:02

I agree, think bloody hard if you don't have children...these men rarely improve..

maddening · 29/02/2020 23:35

I would say that if he is carrying on this shite then I'll be out mot often until he gets over it or I get so fed of of him being a fuckend that I ltb.

redwinefine · 01/03/2020 00:17

YANBU. My husband does the same and it does my head it. He'll pick a fight over nothing so everything will be stewing when I head out

Soapytoad · 01/03/2020 03:48

I’m totally with you on this OP. My H is exactly the same. I always feel guilty when I go out because he makes me feel like I’m doing something terrible. He very rarely goes out (once a year) and doesn’t have many friends (he never has, but that’s his choice) But I am the complete opposite and I usually go out maybe once a month. He makes me feel bad for leaving him at home with our daughters. (Always uses them against me!) He tells me how totally depressed and lonely it makes him feel being left at home. (No hobbies to keep him entertained other than stalking me on the internet and social media .)

It’s so frustrating and it upsets me. He hates all of my friends and never has a good word to say about anyone, so getting him to socialise and interact and feel involved doesn’t happen. We do go out as a family and occasionally as a couple. I’ve a couple of nights out coming up in the next month and I’m already feeling anxious and guilty about it.

Verily1 · 01/03/2020 04:47

Huge red flag.

This is what coercive control looks like

AngstyAnnie · 01/03/2020 07:08

He sounds truly awful Soapytoad. The fact that you're already feeling anxious about upcoming nights out is no way to live.

he hates all my friends and never has a good word to say about anyone does this miserable, controlling bastard have any redeeming features?

Roussette · 01/03/2020 07:17

soapytoad how on earth do you cope? Can you not have a serious conversation with him about it? Is it because he doesn't trust you, or is he jealous that he has no friends to go out with?

I agree that is no way to live. Bottom line... my DH wants me to be happy, so he is more than happy for me to go out. As am I with him. That is normal. I had friends before I met him that I went out with, why should a woman change her whole life to accommodate a jealous man child.

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