AIBU to think that parenting a teen is one of the most stressful parts of being a parent?

[Milicentbystander72]

Maybe I'm looking at the toddler years with reuse-tinted glasses....
but I've never been more emotionally and psychologically tired currently being a parent to my teens.

Don't get me wrong, they're great kids. They go to school, do relatively well etc. But oh my god, everyday when they walk through the door after school I feel a little tension over what their mood will be. Laughter, rage, tears, bickering or hanger!

I'm lucky in that I have a good relationship with them. My dd15 especially talks to me about most things. However the friendship issues and constant insecurity of 'being liked' does get to me. I put my heart and soul into the looong advice I give her and then she skips off happier but I'm left feeling worried and tense, only for the major trouble t blow over the next day.

My ds13 is slightly easier although he tends to bottle any worries up and then explodes every worry he's had in the last 6 months at me out of the blue in a fit of tearful rage sometimes. It's hard to know where to start with it.

My dh takes the attitude "it's all fine" no matter what the situation is. Maybe he's right? The thing is, they never tell him their troubles so he's not aware.

I think I was smug parent of younger children. We did all the music classes, outdoor play, painting, baking, dats out, pretending. They were high flyers at Primary. Super confident, really wanting to go against the crowd and stand out. Now they're teens they seem slightly frightened to do anything unless their friends are. They say everything is 'stressful' and my dd especially swings from being confident to having a panic attack over a slight mistake.
Argh. I feel like I was a brilliant parent (haha the arrogance of it!). Now I feel like I've got a couple of angry bags of emotions and I never know what I'm getting that day, or even that hour!

I'm not sure what I'm asking in the post really. Just, I think I thought I'd cracked this parenting thing and was congratulating myself - then got teens. I feel like I'm through the wringer everyday. I wish I could go back to the times where they seemed excited by a nature walk, or enthused by a subject at a museum.
God. I think I sound like a right twat 😂.

Any tips on getting your teens worries out of your own head would be great.

Ah, peace, and sleep for five hours until they wake me up coming home...!

I hear you OP. My eldest is a teen this year - it’s been absolutely draining lately. The endless tears and dramas. The hormones. I’ve felt like the most inept parent because I cannot fathom where these outbursts are coming from - we had a meltdown on Wednesday because she purported to be friendless. Today I’m the worst person to walk this earth because I don’t want 3 of her BFFs (her words, not mine) over your sleep. I have whiplash from the changing tide.

I absolutely loathed the baby days but on balance, would take the night tortures for this. It’s making me feel like the shortest parent ever and I’m so frightened of fucking her up for life.

I thought I would escape with my 9yo DS but then he had a crying session because Tesco subbed fresh orange juice for orange AND mango juice. He would ‘just have to go without this week then’, complete with tears

And you actually go to sleep while they are out all night with axe murderers and rapists?

Ha ha, yes, staying up until 4.30/5am is way past my capabilities! I did stay up when it was midnight, but we're past that, there's a big group of them, I'd rather she went to bed at 10pm, alone, and didn't drink until she was 25 but what can you do? It's just annoying they'll probably wake me at a time I'm unlikely to get back to sleep.

Name change fail there, too late for me!

Someone once said that the hardest stage is whatever stage they're currently at!

Agree with you Op.
This is why I am always bemused when people tell SAHP that they should go back to work once the kids are older.
I worked when my kids were very young and I work now that my kids are older. I definitely find it harder to deal with them now that they are teenagers. I actually think that they need me more

I'm very glad I work. It's wonderful talking to people and knowing usually what their reactions will be and that I actually do have pretty good communication styles. I actually need work to give me enough self esteem to be able to handle DS neutrally without getting annoyed or upset at what he says, also I can vent a bit to my colleagues.

I have tidged my work hours and it’s helped a bit. I used to get home at 7, but now aim for 5.30 and bring work home.

This has had 2 effects - I can get supper on the table earlier - 6.30 instead of 8, which means they don’t empty the fridge snacking, and also the fact that I model clearing away dinner and then getting down to work on the kitchen table seems to have encouraged them into the same timetable for their homework.

I really struggled with the baby/toddler years, so I’m so grateful they’re over!

I had a hard time when mine were little.

I felt like a chronic failure (MNers often said I was a terrible failure).
I accept I'm a failure. That's quite liberating, actually.
Teens have been much easier. Teens are so interesting.
Not easy but easier.
All these threads about difficult teens or teens making their parents feel very bad... I struggle to read them without smiling, seems like some are getting come-uppence. I count my blessings every day about the problems we don't have.

Have 3 yr old & almost 13 & 11 yr old. The 3 yr old way easier to deal with. The 'teen' years seem to start earlier & earlier. We 'don't accept' being talked back at told to shut up (they get punished / devices taken away which devastates them) but they still lash out. Am really really trying to see it from their point of view & start every day as new but it's bloody hard at times.

lijjk I really think they all have their phases. I remember one of DSs pals DMs talking about how tricky she was finding her DS when he was 9/10 whereas DS was pretty good at that age, but now they are in their teens her DS has settled down and DS is raging against the machine ( or unlimited wifi/ walking the dog he was so desperate to get/ my complete unreasonableness in not buying a large tub of nutella weekly). It's mostly luck and genetics.

Sorry but would you like to be less cryptic Lijjk and explain what you mean by comeuppance? Why did some mnetters think you were a failure?

Interesting reading everyone's responses. Great to hear I'm not on my own.

Just to clarify, I'm not struggling with my teens being rude or rebellious (as yet thank heavens). For me, it's the emotional response I'm having to their teenage struggles and worries. I'm finding it hard to not get over-whelmed by them.

Last night I watched my dd in tears after she'd concluded a 4 night run of a very successful school play because she felt she had social anxiety and she felt unliked because she finds it hard to make chit chat with people who aren't her close friends. A friend who was doing the same role as her is great at making small talk and new friends and was rubbing it in her face.
Yes, normal teenage stuff. No, not a massive problem in the scheme of world importance. But it just broke my heart listening to her self-doubt and upset. Yes, I didn't sleep too well.

I'm struggling with keeping it all in proportion in my own mind I think. When she small it wouldn't cross her mind not to try stuff or talk to people. She had an inner confidence. Where's that gone?

I think that's what I'm finding exhausting. You want your kids to be happy so their mood swings become yours. At least for me. I wish I could switch it off.

I have loved reading this thread! I’m not alone after all.

I really can’t talk about dd to friends or family, everyone says have lovely and perfect she is. But she’s vile to me and it seems has many social anxieties.
I question what I’ve done wrong all the time and honestly think I must be the world’s worst mum and incredibly stupid for ever thinking I could be a mother. I’m possibly perimenopausal which I don’t think helps any emotionally for either of us.
I’m upset that she struggles, upset that she takes it out on me and upset that it’s affecting my perspective on life.
She’s only 11 has been like this for a little over a year now, I have no idea what the teens years will bring. some days I can barely make it to bedtime & dread waking up, no matter what I say or do it’s wrong it’s physically and emotionally draining.

Mine changed the minute she went to uni and became lovely. It was like the former - unpredictable, accusatory, dark humoured teen had been abducted. I used to be so sad that my lovely youngster had disappeared but she returned as a young adult. It will pass!

They are such a delight 🤣
At least when they were toddlers, 5 minutes later and they were happy again, despite not getting a thing.

The future really is bright and just like the toddler years it passes. And those bald patches that have finally grown back will reappear.

My only advice is be patient and oh I know they really push. And listen to them, even when it’s the bad stuff, stay calm. It’s fine to take yourself away to compose yourself. Ask if they want a tea/coffee or go to the loo. Then go back and calmly chat. And of course I made loads of mistakes especially in the early days, and then when I had teens and toddler.

Now mostly on the other side, they cringe at their behavior and attitude.

Someone mentioned menopause, mine where dreading it. So was I tbh. I used to get really bad pmt. It’s been a breeze. Well apart from the sagging 😭