AIBU to think that parenting a teen is one of the most stressful parts of being a parent?

[Milicentbystander72]

Maybe I'm looking at the toddler years with reuse-tinted glasses....
but I've never been more emotionally and psychologically tired currently being a parent to my teens.

Don't get me wrong, they're great kids. They go to school, do relatively well etc. But oh my god, everyday when they walk through the door after school I feel a little tension over what their mood will be. Laughter, rage, tears, bickering or hanger!

I'm lucky in that I have a good relationship with them. My dd15 especially talks to me about most things. However the friendship issues and constant insecurity of 'being liked' does get to me. I put my heart and soul into the looong advice I give her and then she skips off happier but I'm left feeling worried and tense, only for the major trouble t blow over the next day.

My ds13 is slightly easier although he tends to bottle any worries up and then explodes every worry he's had in the last 6 months at me out of the blue in a fit of tearful rage sometimes. It's hard to know where to start with it.

My dh takes the attitude "it's all fine" no matter what the situation is. Maybe he's right? The thing is, they never tell him their troubles so he's not aware.

I think I was smug parent of younger children. We did all the music classes, outdoor play, painting, baking, dats out, pretending. They were high flyers at Primary. Super confident, really wanting to go against the crowd and stand out. Now they're teens they seem slightly frightened to do anything unless their friends are. They say everything is 'stressful' and my dd especially swings from being confident to having a panic attack over a slight mistake.
Argh. I feel like I was a brilliant parent (haha the arrogance of it!). Now I feel like I've got a couple of angry bags of emotions and I never know what I'm getting that day, or even that hour!

I'm not sure what I'm asking in the post really. Just, I think I thought I'd cracked this parenting thing and was congratulating myself - then got teens. I feel like I'm through the wringer everyday. I wish I could go back to the times where they seemed excited by a nature walk, or enthused by a subject at a museum.
God. I think I sound like a right twat 😂.

Any tips on getting your teens worries out of your own head would be great.

Give me back the toddlers years! I thought they were hard back then, I had no idea what was coming. Having 3 teenagers in the house is like being in a war zone and I am constantly worried about them. The majority of teenagers have smart phones and have issues with friends, social media etc and fitting in, cliques, bitchy kids in school etc can all crop up. It's VERY hard not to stick your beak in if you see them upset.

Don't waste time and energy on giving advice - it's taken me a while but what they really want is a sympathetic ear.

User68901 yes I'm beginning to come around to this way of thinking.

With dd I can spend hours chatting to her about all her woes, one massive pot of worries. She says she always feels better but really what it is is the sympathetic ear and just getting it out I think.

Ds just needs to explode a load of issues at me at one time in a rage. Normally if I hold on he will calm down after a cry and some food, do again, it's probably just the getting it off his chest and the sympathetic ear that helps.

I do love my teens though. As a pp said, when they're not stressing they're great company and make me laugh endlessly. It's not all awful.

I can relate to you op. Sorry no advice, but you sound a great mum 💐

Yanbu. I've a preteen. I think it is harder to connect emotionally physically with them, when you can't pick them up like a toddler, kiss their cut hand tell them now it is all better.

I think it depends on the teen to be honest. I have a 16 year old and 13 year old and find them relatively easy. But they are boys so maybe less angst over friendship issues, I don’t know. We have a really good, close relationship and they don’t seem to be the type of teenager to think we are the most embarrassing thing to ever walk this Earth.

They are both quite nerdy and have absolutely no desire to fit in with the crowd so I think that probably helps a lot with peer pressure etc. They have friends but don’t tend to go out socialising too much, they are happy seeing friends in school and socialising online in the evenings. They do meet up for football training , the odd trip to the cinema or into town, but that’s not very often. They seem to like spending time with us, still!

I do miss the excitement about simple day to day stuff like when they were around 5 or 6. But everything else I love. I love the conversations we have with them and to hear their thoughts on politics and their hopes for the future etc. They both enjoy home cooked meals and pitching in with that.

Currently planning a big road trip to US for us all after A-levels and that’s enjoyable.

I do work with teenaged boys though so I see the really bad stuff! I think that’s why I love being with my own so much, they are dreams in comparison!

I realise I’m lucky and there might be more challenging times ahead..

Totally get this. I was so smug in previous years- great sleepers, eaters, milestone reachers etc.
As teens, we had moments of utter joy, laughing together at family celebrations and hearing them comment with wisdom over issues. This was coupled with utter frustration over fool-hardy behaviour and shortsighted decisions regarding education/friendships.
I’m sorry to tell you I have two university students and one 23DD (a working graduate now), and the stress continues. Some will say I must be over invested but they continue to use DH and me as sounding boards and I don’t really want to dissuade them in this.
Looking back I miss the school run with teens, singing along to the radio, gossiping about school life but blimey, the stress as well.

Actually LocalHobo that's sounds great (not the stresses). I think maybe I should try and embrace it all a bit more. Maybe I will miss it?

Don't get me wrong, it's not all hellish up and downs constantly. My dd or ds don't have a 'popular' crowd that they try and run with. My dd is in with the 'Drama Crowd' who are quite off-beat and not all drama-lamas but even here there are social insecurities.

I think I was pondering more about how much effort I put into them when they were younger trying install confidence, a sense of adventure, interest in everything and strong sense of self. I thought I'd cracked it - only to find I often have a bag of neurosis.

Having said that, they like to spend time with and ask questions about life, politics and history around the kitchen table. I just think I was naive in thinking I somehow had 'super Teflon children' who believed they could do anything and didn't care about what their friends though.
I think I was being totally unrealistic.

I was saying this to a friend the other day, give me a toddler over a teen any day!!

My dd is 14yo and can be great company, funny and easy to be around. But she can also be moody, rude, emotional and hard work to talk to!!

One of the issues I've realised with teens is how you have to be so careful with punishment (when they've clearly over stepped the mark.) You want them to realise the boundaries but you don't want to drive a huge wedge between them and you. I want dd to feel like she can talk to me if something is bothering her and if I'm too authoritative I worry that won't happen.

It's so tricky.

I sometimes feel I must be an amazing parent (lighthearted) as we have had very few problems with ds(16) who tells up what all his school peers are getting up to (drink, sex, drugs, fights, vandalism etc). But fear we have just been lucky so far, it's lack of confidence in his part, and he might just be a late developer and we'll hit the problems in the next couple of years when he is a young adult. It's got to happen sometime and sometimes I just wish he would rebel a bit, everyone needs to rebel to develop!

Even with an easily ride so far it is a difficult time to parent when there are important exams looming and you want to make sure they have what they need to get a job and become independent well adjusted adults. Ds is easy to parent at the moment but needs some serious oomph and drive.

I have a theory that you can tell a parent of teens - we have a slightly haggard look! What really helped me was reading about the physiology behind it and seeing they really can't help their moods etc.

I really miss the old days and great family days out.

I also think for a lot of people it coincides with menopause, parents getting older, aging aches and pains.

The menopause again plays out very differently. My DM went through the menopause when I was a teen, and to be absolutely honest it wasn't me or my brothers creating the drama. The screaming and crying, the rushing from the dinner table and slamming the door, the complete about-turns and denying/forgetting she had said what we had all clearly heard her say. She was a great mum, but she did have it bad. In retrospect I feel sorry for her: she obviously should have had some help. And unlike a teen being difficult we couldn't talk about it at home or let on that we remembered because it's so much more sensitive when it's an adult. But always felt inclined to shrug when hearing tales of teen drama: we were too busy in my home dealing with the menopause drama to have any energy left for dramas of our own.

However, once she had gone through her menopause, she became a much calmer and happier person than I had ever known her and also physically stronger than she had been in her 30s and 40s. By the time she was 70, she could deal with anything.

My menopause wasn't anything as bad: I had some physical symptoms (particularly swelling cysts that had to be launched) but nothing much else.

I have 2 teens and are generally decent human beings and can be funny kind and great company. They can also be non communicative, incredibly messy and emotionally draining. I don't know who will come downstairs and they can change sometimes mid conversation.Im often left feeling small,stupid and annoying ,as they both seem to know everything.
It can be very tiring, but also fantastic and then back again!

Oh gosh I can relate so so much.

My teen is absolutely wonderful one minute and then a complete thunderstorm the next.
I’m thinking apply the same knowledge , consistency with rules , patience. However recently I’ve found that his ability to reason is on a level with his brother , a toddler , & I have to send him to his room to stop both of us saying something we regret.

Managing social media etc is very hard as well.
Minefield .
This thread is lovely though as I see we’re all in the same boat.

@feelingdizzy Yessssss, the change mid- conversation can really catch up off guard.
Normally it happens when I’m chatting nonchalantly about a topic and then I realise I haven’t said the right thing and there is a deeper root and intention.
My head could explode !

My children were so easy until they hit 15. Since then they've done nothing but break my spirit. The eldest is 22 and shows no signs of stopping trying to kill me off with stress yet.

Today I’ve been harangued by dd for “ not organising myself better”( tea is at 7), grilled as to what type of chilli it is and shouted at for coughing.

This is the child who had manners instilled in her and consequences for any poor behaviour.

Thoughts?

3 teens( please say on the stroke of midnight on their 20th birthday they morph back).

Just wait until they have perilous pregnancies or marriage break ups. Sorry but the stress and heartbreak never ends, just changes Comes with the job

On holiday by the pool last week. Had just played ball in the pool with DH, DS17 and DS14 for an hour. We got out and before older son was going to continue with A'level maths homework he'd brought on holiday, they both picked up their phones.
Perfect family arrived with two DD aged around 4 and 2. "Look at that" said smug mum to her DC, "fancy coming on holiday to play on your phones!" I laughed to myself. Little Azalea and Genevieve (yes really), might have minds of their own in a few years.

Oh to be a fly on the wall.

@C00kiesandCr3am

My ds is 12 and unbearably rude. We're a 'nice' family. He's loved, treated well, I'm always here for him. We have a nice home...he's not spoilt but he doesn't go without anything. He is popular and had friends. He does well at school. He just insists on speaking to us like shit. He responds in the most vile way to the simplest of requests...for example, dinners on the table, what homework do you have? Can you get dressed before lunchtime please? I'm either ignored or told to shut up. I wouldn't have dreamed of speaking like that at his age. Then I have to punish him...by removing privileges and screens and it's a horrible cycle of rudeness and punishment.

Before anyone reads this, my dc are 4 and 6 months. So I could be talking utter bollocks but I read somewhere about someone with teens would ask them before they started offloading, do you need me to get involved or just to listen? Would it make it any easier on you if they didn't need you to actually do anything, but they just wanted you to listen?