AIBU to think that parenting a teen is one of the most stressful parts of being a parent?

[Milicentbystander72]

Maybe I'm looking at the toddler years with reuse-tinted glasses....
but I've never been more emotionally and psychologically tired currently being a parent to my teens.

Don't get me wrong, they're great kids. They go to school, do relatively well etc. But oh my god, everyday when they walk through the door after school I feel a little tension over what their mood will be. Laughter, rage, tears, bickering or hanger!

I'm lucky in that I have a good relationship with them. My dd15 especially talks to me about most things. However the friendship issues and constant insecurity of 'being liked' does get to me. I put my heart and soul into the looong advice I give her and then she skips off happier but I'm left feeling worried and tense, only for the major trouble t blow over the next day.

My ds13 is slightly easier although he tends to bottle any worries up and then explodes every worry he's had in the last 6 months at me out of the blue in a fit of tearful rage sometimes. It's hard to know where to start with it.

My dh takes the attitude "it's all fine" no matter what the situation is. Maybe he's right? The thing is, they never tell him their troubles so he's not aware.

I think I was smug parent of younger children. We did all the music classes, outdoor play, painting, baking, dats out, pretending. They were high flyers at Primary. Super confident, really wanting to go against the crowd and stand out. Now they're teens they seem slightly frightened to do anything unless their friends are. They say everything is 'stressful' and my dd especially swings from being confident to having a panic attack over a slight mistake.
Argh. I feel like I was a brilliant parent (haha the arrogance of it!). Now I feel like I've got a couple of angry bags of emotions and I never know what I'm getting that day, or even that hour!

I'm not sure what I'm asking in the post really. Just, I think I thought I'd cracked this parenting thing and was congratulating myself - then got teens. I feel like I'm through the wringer everyday. I wish I could go back to the times where they seemed excited by a nature walk, or enthused by a subject at a museum.
God. I think I sound like a right twat 😂.

Any tips on getting your teens worries out of your own head would be great.

Ds is 12

He was always a very easy going happy little boy he of course had his moments

Then something changed. Constant pushing boundaries and trying to negotiate 🙄
It’s far far more challenging and on top of that he really isn’t interested in his school work so this is another constant battle it’s absolutely draining I am often in tears

Florencenotflo whatever you do is wrong

So you listen because that’s is what has been asked of me then why are you not taking my side/saying anything. You give advice that’s returned with an eye roll

There are nice times just not so often

Cutting back on the PS4/phone use has helped but this creates constant battles (and absolutely understood the op who started a thread saying she had smashed it up and thrown phone from the window)

Oh yes. Solidarity OP. This is the first phase I have ever felt I needed a man tbh. As in, sometimes teen ds will only listen to a male (dp) and I think it's because there's no mum guilt there, just non acceptance of shitty behaviour. I have always been zero tolerance of disrespectful behaviour towards me though, and there's a definite line (which believe me has been crossed in the past) after which shock and awe are implemented. I raised my DC alone and I'm buggered if I'm going to be talked to like I'm a servant. I actually think boys especially need that hard line. It's exhausting at times though. And then there's the sudden outpouring of affection from them that just melts your heart! Argh. Bloody rollercoaster.

I think it’s really important to say to rude teens “I don’t expect to be spoken to like that in my own home. My home is my haven and it’s the place where I want to feel most relaxed and supported by everyone in it. I’m sure you want exactly the same for yourself and wouldn’t think much of me speaking to you like you’re a lump of dog shit on my shoe, which is why I choose not to do it. Please think on about that. We are each other’s best support and it needs to stay that way.”

Or some such convo. I don’t have any problems with the way my teens speak to me. I think they just know itms not what DH and I would accept.

And because I also work in a boys secondary school I often tell them “now hang on, that’s the sort of behaviour I’d see in the lads at school, I really wouldn’t expect you to act anything like them!” I tell them stories about how some of the pupils behave at school and they’re often quite shocked. I think they see themselves as a cut above ha ha and so rein themselves in a bit.

I only have a toddler but a friend of mine who has both teens and a toddler would agree with you! The one thing she says that people do forget is how physically exhausting toddlers are - she says it makes her laugh when her teens' friends' parents say 'ah, but you get as many sleepless nights with teens as babies' because they've obviously forgotten having a baby! - but that overall the teens are much harder work.

And it actually helps them to see what a fortunate position they are in. I often tell them about this boy or that boy who behaves horribly but then explain the reasons behind WHY eg no parental support or love at home, and I do think it goes in and helps them realise what support they have here.

Sorry, gone off on a tangent a bit.

If you just listen they get more and more dramatic until you snap.

@Curlyhairedassassin

Or some such convo. I don’t have any problems with the way my teens speak to me. I think they just know itms not what DH and I would accept

We don't accept it but it's what happens...hence why we punish him. Genuine question, when you say you wouldn't accept it..how would that manifest?

We say all that Curly.

And because I also work in a boys secondary school I often tell them “now hang on, that’s the sort of behaviour I’d see in the lads at school, I really wouldn’t expect you to act anything like them!” I tell them stories about how some of the pupils behave at school and they’re often quite shocked. I think they see themselves as a cut above ha ha and so rein themselves in a bit.

Is that really helping them to grow up into nice people

Genuine question, when you say you wouldn't accept it..how would that manifest? I don’t know. It’s not a smug thing, I don’t know WHY they are ok. Maybe they are just naturally not the rebellious type. I wasn’t. DH wasn’t. I never got into any teenage scrapes. I saved it all for my student years living away from home and DParents didn’t have a clue!

It’s like they just KNOW we wouldn’t accept it. Maybe it’s the look that DH gives them. I have had times when DH is working away where I can see them attempting to push my buttons more than they’d dare with him so maybe it’s just the look he gives them. He has a loud deep voice which he doesn’t raise often, and a job in law enforcement so may they think he’s just a hard case and don’t dare cross him!

I think you're right when you say

they are just naturally not the rebellious type

Often it's just their personalities. Even if you give a "look" many teens would think so what? What do they think the result of the look will be?

My ds was an incredibly placid, easy to look after baby...I felt very smug like I must have been a fantastic mother. I wasn't...I was just lucky.

I think some teens are just easier than others...genetic rather than some great parenting skill you've got.

Cory, that’s not how I meant it at all. I didn’t mean they look down on the kids at my school as such. I meant that they think the behaviour they display is just pointless and stupid and not something they or their friends would do in their school. Eg vandalism, truanting, throwing bottles and fireworks down the corridors, assaulting the teacher. My kids are horrified at this. As they should be. That’s what I meant. It would never cross their minds to behave like this, or that of their peers in school.

I have had to work hard to explain that there are reasons behind the poor behaviour, including a lack of any academic achievement causing a lack of self-confidence and extreme disengagement with “the system” etc. As my subsequent post explained, I think it has helped them to understand which side their bread is buttered and to appreciate what they have. And I think this doesn’t affect their behaviour.

DOES affect

I think you’re right, formerbabe. My laidback 16 year old was a laid back baby and toddler. My second son was way harder as a baby and certainly shows his moods now he is a hormonal teen. But on the whole he is easy to reason with and is very loving too, which helps a lot.

I think it MUST be down to personality type. Present from birth.

My teen was never an easy toddler either and I think that prepared me somewhat..!
former I get what you are saying about the cycle of disrespect and punishment. Sometimes we get stuck in that too. I find that when we get into that negative spiral I need to press the reset button, put all my own hurt and resentment to one side (after all,we are human ) and focus on positive reinforcement, just like when they are toddlers. So I try to treat every day as a new one. It's not bloody easy though.

So I try to treat every day as a new one.

I think this is so so important. You should never bear a grudge towards a teen, it’s not fair on them. They’re sometimes barely in control of their emotions. I try to remember this both at work and with my own two.

I’ve just been thinking how I may do things differently from how the parents of my more rebellious/troubled teenage friends did things. I had quite a few friends whose parents were one of two extremes. Either, extremely laidback and “cool parent”, allowing ANYTHING at all to the extent of appearing not to be actually bothered about what their teen got up to. And at the other end of the scale, very strict parents who didn’t allow anything at all. Eg “You will not do X, Y or Z (reasonable) thing/be home after 9pm/have a boyfriend/go out in a short skirt” etc etc.

My parents were in the middle. I knew they had boundaries but their boundaries were reasonable enough not to push them. And they trusted me enough that if I got home a bit later than I said I would be (I discussed and agreed a time with them beforehand, they didn’t dictate to me but I knew that 2am was not acceptable at 15/16) then there was a good reason for that and not just cos I was being rebellious or “naughty.” So no punishment. I was never grounded.

with my own two I say “look, try not to stay out too late if you’ve got to revise next day. Personally I wouldn’t want to be on the bus/train home much later than 10pm or you can get some dodgy characters sometimes. Text when you’re on your way home and if there are any problems at all just phone and i’ll Come and pick you up.” Dunno if I’m just lucky but they seem happy with this sort of arrangement and have never pushed it.

So I try to treat every day as a new one

It's a good tip.

I would much rather have a new born baby to care for than a teenager.
I speak with a lot of experience

Much prefer my teens. Dd1 was particularly hard work as a baby but great as a teen. Youngest is going to be a bit more challenging as a teen I think. He was easier as a baby though.

@Florencenotflo
I read somewhere about someone with teens would ask them before they started offloading, do you need me to get involved or just to listen? Would

That sounds right. My daughter is about to turn 13 and ‘full of worries’ she says, and I’ve found that just listening quietly and supporting emotionally makes her feel happier.

It’s hard not to go into full parent protector mode and want to solve her problems by getting involved practically. I’m beginning to think they don’t want that sort of help, they just want an ear to bend.

Personally I wouldn’t want to be on the bus/train home much later than 10pm or you can get some dodgy characters sometimes

And then you get to the age when this is the time they are going out.... (I have a houseful now who are about to get a taxi to the train station!)

I think the knowing when to just listen and not offer your opinion or give advice is a good tip but sooooo hard to do!! My dd tells me all the time that I don't get it/don't listen/don't understand etc I am trying so hard to listen but be more measured in my response.

It's so hard though for example tonight she was pushing out her belly and telling me she is so fat (she's very slim) how am I meant to respond to that?!

Totally agreed I have never in my life felt more shit as a parent. DD14 is having massive mental health issues and DS13 is horrendous. Just totally thankless and awful.