AIBU to think that parenting a teen is one of the most stressful parts of being a parent?

[Milicentbystander72]

Maybe I'm looking at the toddler years with reuse-tinted glasses....
but I've never been more emotionally and psychologically tired currently being a parent to my teens.

Don't get me wrong, they're great kids. They go to school, do relatively well etc. But oh my god, everyday when they walk through the door after school I feel a little tension over what their mood will be. Laughter, rage, tears, bickering or hanger!

I'm lucky in that I have a good relationship with them. My dd15 especially talks to me about most things. However the friendship issues and constant insecurity of 'being liked' does get to me. I put my heart and soul into the looong advice I give her and then she skips off happier but I'm left feeling worried and tense, only for the major trouble t blow over the next day.

My ds13 is slightly easier although he tends to bottle any worries up and then explodes every worry he's had in the last 6 months at me out of the blue in a fit of tearful rage sometimes. It's hard to know where to start with it.

My dh takes the attitude "it's all fine" no matter what the situation is. Maybe he's right? The thing is, they never tell him their troubles so he's not aware.

I think I was smug parent of younger children. We did all the music classes, outdoor play, painting, baking, dats out, pretending. They were high flyers at Primary. Super confident, really wanting to go against the crowd and stand out. Now they're teens they seem slightly frightened to do anything unless their friends are. They say everything is 'stressful' and my dd especially swings from being confident to having a panic attack over a slight mistake.
Argh. I feel like I was a brilliant parent (haha the arrogance of it!). Now I feel like I've got a couple of angry bags of emotions and I never know what I'm getting that day, or even that hour!

I'm not sure what I'm asking in the post really. Just, I think I thought I'd cracked this parenting thing and was congratulating myself - then got teens. I feel like I'm through the wringer everyday. I wish I could go back to the times where they seemed excited by a nature walk, or enthused by a subject at a museum.
God. I think I sound like a right twat 😂.

Any tips on getting your teens worries out of your own head would be great.

Yes it's tough but it sounds like you're doing an amazing job, op. I think a major part of parenting a teen is being their cheerleader and boosting their self esteem. It's a shitty time for them. I tell my dd every day how proud I am of her and how much she means to our family and that she's loved very much. Even if we've had a difficult day I won't ever let it fester overnight and will always have a quick word and a 'I love you'. Dh does the same and we get grandparents and other family to send her positive messages which she loves getting.
My dd had a short course of counselling (private) for her anxiety which has worked wonders. The counsellor gave me some tips as well and in a way I have become her counsellor now.
Stick in there op. You are not alone

Teenagers have always wanted to be liked, fit in and avoid embarassment.

I'm not at the teenage years yet (although I've taught thousands, obviously not the same as having one of your own though!) My conclusion so far is that different stages of childhood/ parenting suit different people. DS (9) loathed being a toddler. With undiagnosed SNs including ASD, he couldn't articulate what was aggravating him and through the toddler years 10m-5y, he just (apparently) swung from one tantrum to another. Now, at least we have some idea of what wavelength he operates on, it does make things easier. The teenage years will bring its challenges, but in my optomistic bubble, at least there's chance of dialogue through it, and I've already survived years of monosylabic grunting and raging (I grew up with a DB who clearly inspired Kevin the Teenager)

It's my "easy" child that makes me nervous...

It’s really upsetting. I have girls aged 10 and 14. My 14 year old has struggled over the years, it was always me that copped it when she came in from school.

We are so much more aware of mental health these days, we feel compelled to ask and to understand and try to help. It’s like a whole new level of parenting that the previous generation didn’t really have to contend with. And we generally go out to work, too. I think the result is just being exhausted and drained by it.

OP, I know it can be difficult and draining dealing with all of their problems/worries/friendship issues, but on the positive side, your dc are talking to you about this stuff and asking for your advice. That's a really positive reflection on your relationship with them, so be grateful for the fact that they trust you enough to share this stuff and know that it means you're doing a great job as a parent.

Teen years have always been a roller coaster, long before the internet @user1333796!
Mine are not that bad at all, but it's the fact that they are almost legally adults - I worry about how ignorant they still are about the world yet how little control I have now, and how they seem to think I know nothing and never listen! I know they have to make their own mistakes but it's hard to watch, one can only be there to pick up the pieces when their relationships break up/fail an important exam/get fired for the first time/get into a fight/have their phone stolen/get into a dodgy situation....

I'm lucky in the sense that my dc never has friendship issues...he does well at school and is very popular. He's just so incredibly rude to us at home...this morning he has called me a,stupid cow because he asked me something but I was in the middle of helping dd with something so I politely asked him to wait...he stormed off and called me that. I've removed his phone and told him I won't be engaging with him until he has apologized but he doesn't seem to give a dam. It really does feel like there's very few methods of discipline for teens...I mean, seriously, what do you do?

I have two teens and tbh this is the best time I’ve had as a parent.
They are delightful, funny and caring.
The toddler years were hard (probably because they were so close together) and the first few years of primary plagued with issues with dc2.

I’m personally delighted we’ve reached that period!

I find what makes it difficult for me is that we had a glorious few years from when DS was about 8-11 where he had empathy and emotional intelligence, but now it's like he has totally regressed. I know it's hormones and natural, but it's so bloody upsetting when he rejects all the stuff he used to love - wouldn't even flip a pancake on Tuesday . I find it hard that he doesn't seem to be getting much enjoyment out of life at the minute except when he's online with his friends.

Social media isn’t to blame for everything. I can remember all those worries about friends and friendship, and social media hadn’t even been invented!

I think the thing I’m finding hard about giving advice my teen is that what he was tiny, if I said something, it was immediate and then immediately forgotten and I could say something different the next day because the circumstance was different and it didn’t matter. Now, any advice I give has to take into account so many variables, and he’ll pick me up on something if I get it wrong. Also, it can be hard to articulate a response to problems that I’m hearing about second hand.

I love having a teen, it's definitely my favourite period of parenting but it is bloody hard work! The emotional ups and downs, constantly changing plans, living in different time zones, the loud drum and bass, and the sleep deprivation as they decide 1am is the perfect time to wash fake tan off, or you're waiting for them to come back from a night out, or you're dealing with one of their friends who's got themselves into a mess and their parents are sleeping the sleep of the dead!

It's all to make it easier when they leave home so that you're relieved to have your life back again!

Advice TO my teen is that WHEN he was tiny

I can’t help you OP as I only have toddlers, but my plan for when they reach the teenage years is to make sure I’ve got hobbies and other things to occupy my time. So then I can help them with their problems or give advice and then keep my mind busy with a hobby whilst they sulk in their rooms. It’s so easy for children to become all encompassing but so important that you remember to look after yourself in difficult times.

I’ll probably look back at this post and laugh at myself in ten years

Oh I have found my people. It is extra tough for me because my youngest is 7 and there is a big age gap between him and the teens, so I spend quite a lot of time with mums whose eldest child is 7!!! Oh how smug they are with their bedtimes and no screens and all the rest, while I run from one school to another and try to remember who is who, and traipse to countless sports activities (I'm not even sporty but DC and DH are!!), and come home to moods or crowds of teens in the kitchen, homework issues, school timetables, friends changing, whew, my brain could almost explode.

Another one who loved the early years and is finding the teenagers difficult.
Oldest in now at uni but youngest has had lots of issues with MH including self harming and refusal to go to lessons. We've had heavy involvement with CAMHS and she is on AD's. As she approaches 17 I can say with some relief that she seems to be coming out of it, but we've had two years of hell.
I would suggest everyone with teenagers makes sure they have something or some time for themselves, such as a hobby. For me it was just being able to escape and take the dog out for a long walk or go for a swim. I'm not sure it's kept me sane, but it's certainly helped...

Smorgas you seriously have no idea.

They don’t sulk in their rooms leaving you fancy free to have a hobby.They like to share their misery and anger. They need you more than ever and you shouldn’t ever just tune out a struggling teen anyway .

Exams are hideous now, mental health problems are soaring, there is SM to worry about.

It is the most hideous anxious time I’ve ever been through and I have to say I’ve been through a fair bit over the years.

I can see that I'm in a very small minority, I'm not finding it hard, my teens don't really care about other's opinions, they're pretty average students, have pretty average friends as far as I can tell, their lives don't seem to involve any drama and that is also the case for most of my friends.

But all children are different so there will always be a range of experiences

Smorg that's lovely but I'm living the reality now. When they are sulking in their room is exactly the time to be available for them, not out having a hobby. Teens seem to need more input than toddlers, hard to belive when you have toddlers I know. People think they have parenting sussed but then the teen years throw everything upside down and you realise parenting is just beginning.

My own teenage years were really hard. My dm died and I basically had to behave and grow up quickly. Typical teenage behaviour would have just made everyone's life harder. I had lots of problems but no one to help and no guidance. This makes things harder as I'm always there for my children and if they have any problems. they have nice lives so when they're bring ungrateful and rude, I feel like screaming, you dont know how lucky you are.

My2Bundles I agree that I feel I have to be around more for my teens. Especially at the 'flash point' hours between 4 and 7pm. This seems to me when most of the emotional off-loading happens (of course dh isn't home then and never sees it!).

When they were small they didn't mind who looked after them as long as they knew them and had fun and were warm and fed They seemed more independent. Tried all kinds of new things and new experiences. Dd even jumped into a high tropical waterfall when she was 6.....now she's not even doing the DofE!

I'm lucky, I'm self employed and I work from home. I'm there for them, physically and mentally. It must be horrible for those trying to juggle out-of-home full time hours too.

It's good to hear I'm not alone in feeling exhausted and mentally tired.
I'm just hoping that all the hard work and 'prep' in creating strong and adventurous young children eventually comes back into play and they come out of it the other side as the people they were meant to be all along......or something fluffy like that 😂

Formerbabe 😥

I'm lucky, I'm self employed and I work from home. I'm there for them, physically and mentally. It must be horrible for those trying to juggle out-of-home full time hours too.

I'm not sure about this, I envy people who have an office to go to so that they don't have teenage emotional and practical dramas and noise arriving randomly in their workplace, it's not great dealing with a work crisis with loud weeping in the background, or being interrupted to print out homework or give a lift!

Coconut I am with you here, touch the wood... My DS15 explodes sometimes, about silly stuff, but it takes a whole minute to disappear. He chooses football over playstation, spends evenings on his phone, sleeps late, even after giving up his phone at 10pm, struggles to get up, life goes on.

My DD is 6. I am dreading her teenage years

As the mother of a 16 year old, frequently hormonal, daughter who has just started A levels I would totally agree. She is a ball of stress a lot of the time! Plus she doesn't get on with her dad so I get dramas when she's there once a week, which I'd rather not hear as I left him for good reason! But at the same time she's a fabulous holiday/lunch/shopping companion and I love her to bits so it's worth it.

I'm a sahm and I'm desperate to get a job in time for the summer holidays. This Feb half term was really tough. Being spoken to like dirt can really get you down...then theres the removal of the screens as a punishment and consequent sulking. Then he doesn't want to do anything so i suggest funfairs, swimming, bowling, cinema, climbing etc. Once he does agree he takes ages to get dressed and then i feel like I'm constantly nagging. A few years ago he'd be so eager and excited to pop to the park.

It seems to me that most of us experience at least one difficult stage, but that it's not always at the same time.

I found ds quite difficult during the preteen years but a relative dream as a teenager: he just needed that little bit of extra maturity and freedom to be happy in his own skin.

dd has had intermittent periods of difficulty throughout her life and has always required hard work and constant input

Come to think of it, I don't think my nephew has ever been difficult, absolute sweetie he is. I can say it without sounding smug as I didn't have the parenting of him (and my own dc were considerably more difficult)