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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another wedding seating one

110 replies

Harriett1986 · 28/02/2020 16:09

Getting married this year. Top table is me, fiancée, both sets of parents and our siblings (I have a sister, he a brother). So immediate family only.

My sister has no partner, but his brother has a girlfriend. They’ve been together around 2 years (with one break up lasting a few months). They’re buying a house together.

I don’t want her on the top table because it’s immediate family only, and I don’t know if they’ll stay together. She’d be on the second most important table as it were, with the rest of his family (aunts, cousins etc) who she has met before.

AIBU? Ready to be told I’m cold hearted and mean...

OP posts:

altiara · 28/02/2020 16:10

Sounds ok to me (sitting her with people she knows).

RedRedWines · 28/02/2020 16:11

Absolutely fine, we did the same. No one had any issues

TeenPlusTwenties · 28/02/2020 16:13

Sounds fine to me.

At my brother's wedding, DH sat on the top table as Best Man, and I (the actual sister) was on an alternate one with my DCs.

yatapina · 28/02/2020 16:15

Tell your partner to ask his brother where he'd like to sit and if he'd like to be seated with his partner?

There's nothing worse than being stuck somewhere you'd rather not be - I'd imagine it may make the girlfriend feel really uncomfortable too!

Also "I don’t want her on the top table because it’s immediate family only, and I don’t know if they’ll stay together." - no one knows if you'll stay together either. It's really not a judgement you should base present decisions on.

Squirrelpeanutbutter · 28/02/2020 16:16

I think having a top table is difficult and can cause endless upsets. When my nephew got married they sat together at a table at the top of the room and everyone else was seated in sensible clusters. This avoided the "top table" nonsense.

I don't think you're right to sit a couple on separate tables.

TokenGinger · 28/02/2020 16:56

If the brother isn't best man, then I'd ask him where he wants to sit.

I've met my DP's aunts and cousins, but I'd feel very uncomfortable if we went to a wedding and I was seated away from him. I've met them, but I'm not comfortable enough to sit with them without DP.

I'd understand if DP was the best man and had to sit at the table, but if it was just because it's his brother, I'd be a bit miffed I was seated without the one person I'd want to sit with.

On the other hand, if it was my brother getting married, I would tell my brother I didn't want to sit at the front if it meant my DP was seated alone with family members he's only met a couple of times.

Dollywilde · 28/02/2020 16:59

I had a traditional top table but it was just DH and I plus parents. My DSis and her boyfriend sat with the other bridesmaids and their partners.

I personally don’t like splitting up couples at dinner, I know it’s not the end of the world but it’s just a nice thing to do imo.

Greenkit · 28/02/2020 17:02

They ARE together so its very unfair to seat them apart

Watermelontea · 28/02/2020 17:05

Of course it’s not a problem! It’s only for the meal, it’s not like they can’t see each other all day. Just stick her on a table nearby.

Lyricallie · 28/02/2020 17:06

I'm getting married in May and my sister's partner will be on a table with family and she'll be on the top table.

islandislandisland · 28/02/2020 17:07

I was put with the random friends (none of whom I'd met) whilst DP (not best man) was on the top table. When I asked if we could maybe sit together I was told that you don't go to weddings to be with your partner, you go to support the bride and groom. But I wouldn't have been going to their wedding and taking time off work the day before to help them set up if I hadn't been with my partner..I wouldn't sit a couple apart unless they know the people they're sat with well and feel comfortable with it. Actually DP wanted to sit with me and was miffed they'd chosen not to do that. So I'd ask DB what he wants.

PurpleDaisies · 28/02/2020 17:07

It’s normal for partners not to be invited to sit on the top table. Nothing to do with whether they will stay together or not.

islandislandisland · 28/02/2020 17:09

Should add this was DP's brothers wedding, so I could have been sat with family who were the only people I knew there.

UnspeakableBode · 28/02/2020 17:09

My husband and I got married a few months before my BIL (they were both on our top table fwiw). We'd been together 10 years when we got married. For their wedding my husband was on the top table and I was on a table with his cousins. I was a bit offended at first but tbh I think I had more fun! I think it will be fine, she should understand its limited space!

IceColdCat · 28/02/2020 17:13

I'd talk to your brother. He may prefer to be on another table with his girlfriend than on top table without her. That's what my brother chose!

funmummy48 · 28/02/2020 17:14

I voted YABU but only because you’re having a Top Table. I think it’s very old fashioned and just causes a headache for you trying to keep everyone happy. We live our lives differently now with more split families and transient relationships; why cause stress and ill-feeling?

Lipz · 28/02/2020 17:16

Any wedding I've been to the wedding party sits at the top table, the partners sit at the next table with family & friends. Usually they will know at least one person.

Now in saying that I have been to a few weird weddings but I've just ate and chatted to who ever was at the table. One wedding I was sat with all the single friends and family, that was fine as we ended up having a laugh, however i wasn't allowed in any photos, this was dhs family, we were together 6 months and all i kept been told was you are not family you won't last etc we ended up out lasting the wedding couple. Another wedding I was sat with the children, I basically ended up the baby sitter. At my brother's wedding none of us were allowed in the wedding party or the top table and sat so far back that I had to keep moving my chair to allow kitchen staff in and out.

Just do your seating that suits you. People usually just get on with things wherever they are seated.

Ticklemelmo · 28/02/2020 17:18

It's fine to sit partners on other tables, I had to do the same when my BF was best man. Obviously I would have preferred to be sat with him, but id have also felt awkward being on the top table. It's only a few hours and it's not like you're putting them on different 'normal' tables.

Intelinside57 · 28/02/2020 17:20

I hate this splitting up of partners just for some out-dated wedding formalities. If brother and his partner want to sit together then don't have him on the top table. I actually don't know what "whether they'll stay together" has to do with anything. They could be married and not stay together.

SocialMediaUser1511 · 28/02/2020 17:22

We split partners on the top table.

Oceanblueeyes21 · 28/02/2020 17:25

When I got married a couple of years ago I sat my brother at a normal table with his partner and child as I did not think it was fair splitting them up. My mum wanted me to sit him at the top table but she wanted that to include his whole family which I did not want as I had only met his GF a few times.

I just had the bridal party at the top table include best mans/maid of honour etc.

Do what suits you, each wedding is different. I would just ask him are you okay not sitting with your partner so you can be at the top table or would you prefer to sit with your partner at another table?

anxiousbean · 28/02/2020 17:26

I think I would ask your brother - if they would rather sit together - I would sit them both on the other table but top table plan is fine if they are happy sitting separately.

ScarlettBlaize · 28/02/2020 17:34

What a boring evening she's in for.

PicaK · 28/02/2020 17:35

Don't split couples up. And your sister might be happier with her uncles aunts rather than on show as a spinster sibling.
It's a while since I got married and had some good advice - to think of the wedding day as a moment in time, a picture of your life as it is on that day which includes your brother in law's girlfriend.
I look at old wedding photos and grieve beloved relatives and friends who have since died. But I don't have any emotional response to the random people no longer in our lives.

redwinefine · 28/02/2020 17:36

If your brother isn't the best man, ask where he wants to be. Mine was not at the top table, he was beside his girlfriend.

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