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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding seating one

110 replies

Harriett1986 · 28/02/2020 16:09

Getting married this year. Top table is me, fiancée, both sets of parents and our siblings (I have a sister, he a brother). So immediate family only.

My sister has no partner, but his brother has a girlfriend. They’ve been together around 2 years (with one break up lasting a few months). They’re buying a house together.

I don’t want her on the top table because it’s immediate family only, and I don’t know if they’ll stay together. She’d be on the second most important table as it were, with the rest of his family (aunts, cousins etc) who she has met before.

AIBU? Ready to be told I’m cold hearted and mean...

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 28/02/2020 18:44

Does it really matter.

Letseatgrandma · 28/02/2020 18:47

I don’t want her on the top table because it’s immediate family only, and I don’t know if they’ll stay together.

So what if they don’t stay together!!

I’d sit them together.

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 28/02/2020 18:50

Best man and MoH sit at the top table with you. Partners do not.

They'll have to suck it up.

Awrite · 28/02/2020 18:52

Yeah, sounds like you don't like her.

Top table can be boring younger folk. Sit the brother next to his partner at the 'lesser' table.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 28/02/2020 18:57

Why so clingy to ‘people I know’ why not spread your wings and make friends even for a few hours

Because not all of us are comfortable making conversation with people we don't know! If I was on a table with strangers I would chat politely but I certainly wouldn't be starting conversation, it's just how I am.

ScarlettBlaize · 28/02/2020 19:00

Some people just bloody relish the opportunity to flex a bit of muscle and inflict a little bit of tedium on those they don't like.

Is she very attractive, OP?

Butterymuffin · 28/02/2020 19:03

Well, the usual 'your day your way'crowd haven't noticed this thread!

I can't think of a wedding where couples were split up

You've clearly not seen the hundreds of threads where a poster is invited to a wedding without an invite for their husband / long term partner and is told to suck it up and put the couple first.

OP, as they both have special roles in the wedding you have the perfect reason for just them on the top table. Ask the girlfriend whether she'd rather sit on the next family table or with your nicest friends.

LeggyLinda · 28/02/2020 19:03

Protocol wise YANBU. Plus you’ve already stated that you want only immediate family on the top table.

But, as well as it being “your day” it is also a celebration of union. You could be the bigger person and invite her to the top table.

It might help stabilise your BIL’s relationship with.her, gain you a friend. Conversely it may cause problems if others then feel they should be there too.

Tricky one. But, if there are no other issues, I’d have her up there. You’d gain an ally and the best man would have support - making your day smoother all round.

Dontjumptoconclusions · 28/02/2020 19:18

He can be bumped down to sit with her then

crosstalk · 28/02/2020 19:21

Top tables are just added stress and rubbish especially for families that aren't straightforward. Why not just seat people where they will be comfortable or the natural extroverts with people they can bring on?

I don't even know where top tables came from. Some of them look like the Last Supper and must be awkward for the people there. The only essential at the real breakfast/supper/dinner is that there's good food, wine, and that people can hear the speeches which are better done before eating ....

Runningonempty84 · 28/02/2020 19:48

Why not just dispense with the seating plan altogether? They're outdated anyway. Most weddings I've been to recently (including my own) haven't had a seating plan at all.

ByeMF · 28/02/2020 19:53

It's your wedding but surely he would much rather be sat with his girlfriend? But then all this 'tradition' stuff really grinds my gears.

MidsomerMum · 28/02/2020 19:59

That’s how we did it, but dessert was a fairly relaxed affair and everyone got up and moved around so it really wasn’t an issue for longer than the main course and speeches anyway.

Have seen plenty of friends just do parents with them on the top table so that everyone else was still with their partners, which is always nice as it spreads the wedding party around. Best man just gets up to do his speech when needed.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 28/02/2020 20:00

In short, you want a photoshoot, not a wedding. How lovely. Hmm

I agree that bride and groom should be able to organise their party to a point, but surely your guests having a good time is part of what makes it a good wedding? Or if you only want the photos, why not save money and not serve food and drink at all? Spend the savings on make-up and flowers, who cares about food and guests having a good day too.

saraclara · 28/02/2020 20:00

When outdated tradition trumps accepting partners of two years as family, there's something very wrong.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 28/02/2020 20:06

Do people genuinely go for the rectangle top table nonsense? You can't talk with anyone apart from the person sitting exactly next to you, what's the actual point?

If you sit your SIL (or SIL to be) at the end, you wouldn't even see her anyway. The whole thing is daft.

You should have a wedding to have a good time too, not to pose for the photographer all day.

Original poster
Harriett1986 · 28/02/2020 20:06

It’s not about the photos at all - not sure any will be taken at the meal? It’s more just like I’d like a nice family meal - I’m quite reserved and introverted and she’s really loud and dominates conversation. Also my parents and sister have never met her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Harriett1986 · 28/02/2020 20:07

It’s also not long ‘last supper’ esque top table - it’s circular

OP posts:
dippywhentired · 28/02/2020 20:08

When my best friend got married, I was the maid of honour and sat at the top table, along with the bride/groom, their parents and the best man. It was a long table and I was on one end next to the groom's dad. It was the most boring (lengthy) meal ever as he was the only person I could talk to and when he was talking to the person on his other side, I had nobody to talk to. My husband, meanwhile, had a great time sitting at a table with all our university friends. I would much rather have been sitting with them than had the 'honour' of being at the top table. I hate top tables, unless they're round so everyone can chat.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 28/02/2020 20:11

It’s more just like I’d like a nice family meal
they've been together for 2 years. She IS family I am afraid, at least HIS family. Too bad if you don't like her.

Original poster
Harriett1986 · 28/02/2020 20:17

Yes I suppose that’s the crux of the issue - neither me nor DP see her as family. We’ve just not spend enough time together.

It’s not about whether I like her / how attractive she is.

OP posts:
OchAyeThaNoo · 28/02/2020 20:19

I put the best man's partner on the table just in front of him with a couple of people she knew. so they were very near.
I'm pretty sure MIL would have blown a gasket had I made another space up on the top table for partners because MIL absolutely lost her shit when she found out that my step parents got to sit up there because "you side will have too many!"
This was also the same reasoning she used when telling me toin-invite my uncles and aunts because some of DH's didn't want to come so I'd have more people there.

Ihavetoomanyfeelings · 28/02/2020 20:28

I'm not sure why you're getting flack for having a top table and having some traditional elements in your wedding. The OP shouldn't be judged for how she chooses to have her wedding.

You are being more than reasonable by taking her feelings into consideration at all, having yourselves, parents and the best man/maid of honour on the top table is perfectly fine. If she's as loud and chatty as you say she is then I highly doubt she'll struggle being sat with other family members close by for maximum two hours! The world will not end.

I myself would be incredible uncomfortable if I was going to a wedding with my DP and he was sat on the top table and I wasn't, but I'm rather introverted and shy. Regardless, if this situation arose I would suck it up and make the best of it because it wouldn't be about me personally and I would just understand that the bride and groom have clearly made the best decision they could and my DP would obviously be more important to them.

Remember it's your wedding OP and you can only do so much, once you start trying to please everyone it will become a circus and and won't be how you want it. This is one of the few occasions in life you can put your own wants above others Smile

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 28/02/2020 20:35

I'm not sure why you're getting flack for having a top table and having some traditional elements in your wedding.

it's not the top table itself the issue, it's the judgmental and negative attitude towards her SIL who is clearly not liked. I don’t know if they’ll stay together. really?
We don't know if the OP is going to stay married for very long either, what sort of comment is that about your brother's partner?

Original poster
Harriett1986 · 28/02/2020 20:39

what sort of comment is that about your brother's partner?

It’s just an honest one - I’d obviously never say it to them. They’ve broken up once before and have a volatile relationship. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be less reticent to have her on the top table than if they’d been married for years and had kids etc

OP posts:
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