AIBU to think Mil is lying

[SuspiciousOfMil]

Mil is always using the I have an appointment excuse to mean she has to visit on the day she wants. The appointment is either on a certain day so she can't visit then so she has to visit this other specific day instead. And that appointment is always in the middle of the day. Or the appointment is in the morning and it's half way to my house so I may as well visit. Amazed how many of these appointments fall on people's birthdays and are always in the morning. This times it's on her birthday and last time it was my sons birthday. That one was a hospital appointment in the morning that was half way between my house and her house when there is a big city in between her house and this hospital. And she got here suspiciously quite to have appointment, have breakfast at a brewsters fair and travel 40 miles on motorway (all completed in an hour and a half from start of hospital appointment).

At this point the I have an appointment (a hospital one or dentist one) has been used so much to visit on the day she wants it's suspicious. AIBU to think Mil is lieing at this point?

She sounds very manipulative, and I don't buy this "oh, poor woman" nonsense. You don't have to see every family member of their actual birthday, and even if that is your preference, the decent thing to do is to ask, not to try to force your way in under false pretenses!

Depending how your relationship and how each of you "are", I'd either call her on it or make up some reason why her plan won't work. She's not the only one who can have imaginary appointments.

*on

CrocodilesCry I believe that is a post by the same OP, she's just namechanged.

Yes that thread linked is mine. I nc when talking about mil incase she finds one.

I remember your other thread OP.
Unless you have a manipulator in the family people just dont realise how stressful and damaging it is.
On paper why cant she come when she likes/for GC birthday until you realise that all plans/ days out are ruined and you get this horrible feeling of dread prior to them.
I have one of these, tries to ruin plans, has no respect that other people might want to do something else.
Utterly exhausting !
Op just be firm
Throw the ball into her court, dont get caught out.
When does she want to come ? Check diary.
If its not convenient just say you arent free.
Dont tell her what you are doing so she can wheedle her way in.
Firm boundaries for the days shes visiting.
If shes late then go out and text to say you will meet her there .

I don't see the OP compromising in anyway. In fact going out of her way to make things difficult.

Would it REALLY be so difficult to call GM a couple of weeks before the birthday and say 'Hi MIL, it's DGS birthday in a couple of weeks, I am taking him out with some mum friends and kids during the day - but we will be back by 5 if you want to pop over for a birthday tea.. ? Is it so unreasonable for a GM to want to visit on the day. Especially if she is prepared to do an 120 mile round trip ?

There is no way I would NOT expect GM to visit on a second birthday.

When they get older and have their own mind to do things then that's when things change. But he is TWO fgs and doesn't know what day it is !

Yes of course YOU want her to come on a different day. Because YOU don't want his grandmother to have the pleasure of seeing him on his birthday.
This has EVERYTHING to do with you and MIL awful relationship and an inability to see that your partners mother wants a part in his life.

Yes I bet she does turn down your 'alternative offers' because I bet they are NEVER made for a significant day. .A few days before or after a birthday... Never on her birthday, but 'sometime later' . I think it is YOU that is determined she will never be able to have 'significant' time with him.

Does your own mother never see you on your birthday. Does she get to spend Christmas , his birthday or her own birthday with her Grandson or is she also relegated to an fee days later' ?

Continue in this vein and I won't be surprised if your son treats you in the same way when he's older.. firmly at arms length. I think it is you that is trying to 'control' things OP. Not your MIL.

@SuspiciousOfMil
I get it. This is tough. All this conniving and manipulating and hating just to exercise control and power over others. Tsk tsk tsk. Narcissisting is hard enough without competition, right?

But be strong. Stick to your guns. You're doing a grand job of teaching your son the appropriate way to treat his own mother when HE marries and has his own children. Teach him well...

Patchwork
Did you not read the bit where OP said the MIL would then strong arm her way into the daytime plans and control/change everything ?
Also the bit about the DC being unpleasant to the OP is always reeled out on here.🙄
Nope my DC grew up and understood the GP behaviour was controlling and manipulative and doesnt see them-their choice .
We have a very good relationship with them and their partners.
I wonder why ? Oh yes because we are not controlling and selfish.

I should add mine wasnt my MiL
-she is an amazing, lovely woman

In defence of the OP she wasn't having her own family there on the birthday either.
So this was not an dig at the MIL it was her wanting to celebrate her DS 2nd birthday the way she wanted to.

OP, I’m another that has come on to say I hear you, I had a similar problem with my own mother.

Quicklittlenamechange has it spot on. It is so exhausting having a manipulator in the family, you can’t just get on with your daily life, they want control - be it a day trip out to which household chores you are going to do first. My mum would visit for 3 days at a time and it would take me about a week to recover.

I agree with Wonkybanana, it's a control thing. My MIL does this too. She doesn't like to be invited or join in with plans - she needs to be in charge of the plans. This has extended to ridiculous situations and a complete inability to turn up when invited, ever. She once brought a friend (not invited!) to our house for a kids birthday party a full hour early and was surprised that I was just out the shower (and a bit grumpy about finding a stranger sat in my living room). She knew fine what time the party started and when my DH questioned why she was an hour early she said she was worried there would be nowhere to park (in our non busy, residential street). No, she just wanted to see the kids before everyone else, including their other grandparents! Never asked, never cared whether it was convenient , just does what the hell she likes and whatever suits her, even if it involves some lying and manipulating. All in a normal day for her! OP, you have my sympathies.

Just say no and suggest a suitable alternative. If she turns up anyway just be out, or on your way out/busy if she catches you at home.