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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Mil is lying

113 replies

SuspiciousOfMil · 28/02/2020 11:40

Mil is always using the I have an appointment excuse to mean she has to visit on the day she wants. The appointment is either on a certain day so she can't visit then so she has to visit this other specific day instead. And that appointment is always in the middle of the day. Or the appointment is in the morning and it's half way to my house so I may as well visit. Amazed how many of these appointments fall on people's birthdays and are always in the morning. This times it's on her birthday and last time it was my sons birthday. That one was a hospital appointment in the morning that was half way between my house and her house when there is a big city in between her house and this hospital. And she got here suspiciously quite to have appointment, have breakfast at a brewsters fair and travel 40 miles on motorway (all completed in an hour and a half from start of hospital appointment).

At this point the I have an appointment (a hospital one or dentist one) has been used so much to visit on the day she wants it's suspicious. AIBU to think Mil is lieing at this point?

OP posts:
justasking111 · 28/02/2020 14:05

Stop inviting her. Full stop!! Then if she asks to come round you are either around or not.

lightyearsahead · 28/02/2020 14:07

To be fair, it sounds like you make it very difficult for her to visit you and she wants to see her grandson.

I find it amazing that people do not want GP's to visit on their child's birthday.

I am aware of a wonderful lady who is rationed to seeing her DC on a rota with the other GP's; once every 3 weeks, she is heartbroken she can't pop in for a coffee for 30 mins on her day off to see her DIL and GC.

That's all it takes and the number of times I have seen DIL moaning about their MIL's coming to visit and then moaning about the GP not taking enough interest or helping out enough.

She is your family, make her welcome, if you can accommodate do, if you can't, you can't.

Leaannb · 28/02/2020 14:08

@Steff13 No most people visit when it’s convenient for both parties

Spidey66 · 28/02/2020 14:12

Why don't you invite her to come to your son's birthday party, or whatever it is you're doing for it? Surely it's normal for a grandparent to be present at such an event?

justasking111 · 28/02/2020 14:13

Perhaps OP loathes her MIL. So limits contact as much as possible.

Morred · 28/02/2020 14:14

I am aware of a wonderful lady who is rationed to seeing her DC on a rota with the other GP's; once every 3 weeks, she is heartbroken she can't pop in for a coffee for 30 mins on her day off to see her DIL and GC.
The thing is, for every wonderful lady who is heartbroken, there is another who is scrutinising every photo shared and comment to ensure their grandchild isn't having more time with one side of the family than the other. Of course, the parents are wrong to play along with that by 'rationing' so it's fair, but I can see how you get to that point.

CornishPasties · 28/02/2020 14:19

Perhaps OP loathes her MIL. So limits contact as much as possible.

Well from what some posters have said it sounds like the Op has postef about this before and had advice which she has not taken.

However based on just what she has posted here it does sound harsh to exclude her.

Nevertheless without further information im not sure we can offer much help. Its clear thr OP doesnt like this women so its no good asking us if shes unreasonable as its not going to change things and shes not going to start magically liking her.

forrestgreen · 28/02/2020 14:22

Just take control,
Mil when are you free to visit next week?

Oh that day won't suit here sadly we can only do x and y.

Then go out on the day she wanted to visit as you know she'll try to pop in!

Wonkybanana · 28/02/2020 14:28

Why don't you invite her to come to your son's birthday party, or whatever it is you're doing for it? Surely it's normal for a grandparent to be present at such an event?

She was invited. To a birthday party for the DS and all his grandparents. But because it wasn't on the day, that wasn't good enough for her. (The other GPs were fine about it.) So she got stroppy, and suddenly discovered that she had an appointment on his birthday, that would take her past the OP's house, and mean she would be there on the birthday morning. Despite the OP already having plans and having made that clear.

Mumto1girl3boys · 28/02/2020 14:35

To be honest id be pretty pissed off if my kids gran didnt visit them on their birthdays....

Original poster
SuspiciousOfMil · 28/02/2020 14:40

Wonkybanana thanks that's exactly how I feel and I definitely think it's a way to control us.

OP posts:
Spidey66 · 28/02/2020 14:43

She was invited. To a birthday party for the DS and all his grandparents. But because it wasn't on the day, that wasn't good enough for her. (The other GPs were fine about it.) So she got stroppy, and suddenly discovered that she had an appointment on his birthday, that would take her past the OP's house, and mean she would be there on the birthday morning. Despite the OP already having plans and having made that clear.

The OP doesn't say this on this thread though. Confused

Original poster
SuspiciousOfMil · 28/02/2020 14:43

PerfectParrot
appointments are used as an excuse why she can't visit some days (when it is convenient for the OP) and also used as an excuse why she must come on other days (when it is inconvenient for the OP)
That's exactly it, and yes she does not respect boundaries at all. There is definitely a history of that

OP posts:
CrocodilesCry · 28/02/2020 14:44

This sounded familiar - similar to this thread here which may have some advice for you?

Original poster
SuspiciousOfMil · 28/02/2020 14:46

OnlyLittleMissOrganised she wasn't invited to the outing because she would try to control the outing. This has happened in the past were she tried to control my wedding venue and my sons christening. It would be to her schedule and we're she wanted to eat etc

OP posts:
Leaannb · 28/02/2020 14:46

@Momto1 girl3boys The MIL was invited to the actual birthday party with the rest of the family including the other grandparents. Mil didn’t like that so tried to show up on the actual birthday when they had plans.

damnthatanxiety · 28/02/2020 14:48

Oh for heaven's sake - so many typical posts along the lines of....you don't sound very nice OP, don't you like her OP, shame she has to make excuses to see her GC...is it because you don't invite her OP, you are the problem OP. Seriously? People on here so desperate to berate someone and condemn them for being awful. It is clearly nothing to do with concern for the MIL and everything to do with people anonymously being nasty to someone they don't know.

recycledbottle · 28/02/2020 14:53

@SuspiciousOfMil ah I see there are problems with the MIL in general in particular about control. My MIL insists on controlling absolutely everything and takes over and lies/manipulates etc. I just fob her off to my DH as I simply no longer see her as my problem. Is this an option for you?

forrestgreen · 28/02/2020 14:55

Does she come regularly or just special occasions

spongejack · 28/02/2020 14:56

OP you had some good advice on the original thread, have you tried any?

mistermagpie · 28/02/2020 14:56

I disagree that grandparents should always be able to visit on birthdays actually. Surely it's about what the birthday person wants to do? My son wanted to go to an animal-based attraction last year on his birthday (he was 4), it was quite far from home so we left early and got back late, having eaten dinner on the way home. He wasn't available for other relatives to see him, but it was his birthday so he got to choose what he did with it.

Obviously this doesn't apply to babies, but my priority is what my children want to do on their birthdays. Funnily enough that doesn't tend to involve hanging out with grandma...

Original poster
SuspiciousOfMil · 28/02/2020 14:57

ladycarlotta
This sounds like my Mil trying to paint us as the bad guys and trying to control the narrative and make it about her. We would not let fer visit one weekend because I was ill in bed with a bad infection, we suggested next weekend would be better. So she decided not to visit for months (we invited her but she was too busy) and instead sent nasty messages to my DH claiming we were keeping her from her grandchild and finding any minor excuse to send him nasty messages. And she is in granny-competition with my mum and has even tried to get my husband to get a job further away from my parents that paid less, used less of his qualifications and was in a more expensive area for houses.

OP posts:
HavenDilemma · 28/02/2020 14:59

Well said MathAnxiety!!

Original poster
SuspiciousOfMil · 28/02/2020 15:02

recycledbottle my dh would just cave into mil's demands. It was difficult to get him not to share my very private medical information with her

OP posts:
ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 28/02/2020 15:03

It’s your own fault - why are you letting her get to you so much?
She asked if she could visit on your ds’s bday and you told her you were going out or whatever - then she insisted she could only come that day? And then you sat around and waited for her? If so, you are being mugs.

Tell her no if it’s not convenient, offer an alternative and then let her sulk!