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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Mil is lying

113 replies

SuspiciousOfMil · 28/02/2020 11:40

Mil is always using the I have an appointment excuse to mean she has to visit on the day she wants. The appointment is either on a certain day so she can't visit then so she has to visit this other specific day instead. And that appointment is always in the middle of the day. Or the appointment is in the morning and it's half way to my house so I may as well visit. Amazed how many of these appointments fall on people's birthdays and are always in the morning. This times it's on her birthday and last time it was my sons birthday. That one was a hospital appointment in the morning that was half way between my house and her house when there is a big city in between her house and this hospital. And she got here suspiciously quite to have appointment, have breakfast at a brewsters fair and travel 40 miles on motorway (all completed in an hour and a half from start of hospital appointment).

At this point the I have an appointment (a hospital one or dentist one) has been used so much to visit on the day she wants it's suspicious. AIBU to think Mil is lieing at this point?

OP posts:
Meandyouandyouandme · 28/02/2020 12:55

Still don’t understand, doesn’t everyone want to visit when it suits them? Why would she want to visit on a day that’s not convenient to her. Surely there’s days when it’s convenient for both of you.

Wonkybanana · 28/02/2020 12:55

Either the OP has posted about this before or there's someone else with the same MiL.

I don't think it's 'poor woman' at all. She gets plenty of opportunity to see the children, but somehow always seems to find that it's not convenient to her. Then when it suits her she decides to see them, but puts it in terms of she's just passing so she'll visit, and expects the entire family to drop all their plans, having couched it - by playing the appointment card - that the family would be unreasonable not to let her come.

Sorry OP I'm with you. It's her way of controlling you and having all the visits on her terms. Next time she tries it, could you offer to go to the appointment with her? Tell her you have plans for that day after her appointment, but you'll sit and keep her company in the waiting room and you can have a catch up that way? You may find her appointment day/time is suddenly changed!

Alsohuman · 28/02/2020 12:57

Poor bloody woman. How awful to have to make excuses to be allowed to see your grandchild on their birthday.

CornishPasties · 28/02/2020 12:57

As, they could have plans, plans to go out or a kids birthday party etc

Surely she could be involved in those plans? This isn't some stranger it's her grandson.

Like I asked previously do you not invite her over or go to visit her? Surely you were planning on seeing her for her birthday?

Grumpos · 28/02/2020 13:00

People like to see people on their birthdays, not the few days before or few days after. On the day. This is totally normal.

You clearly don’t like / get on with MIL - which is your prerogative, but don’t be surprised she wants to see DS / DGS on their birthdays or her own. If you don’t want to see her then let your partner are arrange his visits with her and you take yourself off
And do something for yourself.
Unless massive backstory then it seems a non issue

Saucy99 · 28/02/2020 13:35

Sounds like a total bitch! Wanting to see her family on her or their birthdays! The cheek!

IntermittentParps · 28/02/2020 13:37

I have like on my sons birthday but she just came anyways.

So be on your way out when she arrives. 'Oh, I told you I couldn't do today, remember? What a pity. x day at y o'clock is good for us. Byeee!'

Or just come to the door looking surprised, and don't let her in. Tell her it's not a good day and you might have been able to sort it if she'd asked in advance but there we go. Pity. x day at y o'clock is good for us. Byeee! And shut the door gently.

IntermittentParps · 28/02/2020 13:39

Surely there’s days when it’s convenient for both of you. She doesn't care when it's convenient for the OP; the OP has tried telling her no but she turned up anyway.

CJsGoldfish · 28/02/2020 13:40

It's clear you don't like her so not sure what you're after here?
Fellow MNers to tell you how awful she is to lie to be able to see her grandchild/ren?
Justification to further alienate her? I have a feeling you don't need much encouragement.

Just not getting why it matters especially when you could say no and make it so she can't visit. What are you getting out of this? 🤷

MimiLaRue · 28/02/2020 13:41

But I would not expect it to be on the day

Thats fine- have you suggested another day to her? have you invited her at all? If not then you are being very unfair.

You might end up with a DIL who also doesnt want you coming round.

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/02/2020 13:42

You are making yourself sound like a real git. It’s absolutely awful that she has to lie to see her son and grandson. Remember your son is watching all this - if you normalise excluding grandparents from birthdays then YOU will also be excluded from his children’s birthdays / lives when the time comes.

PerfectParrot · 28/02/2020 13:45

Thats fine- have you suggested another day to her?

It says in the OP that appointments are used as an excuse why she can't visit some days (when it is convenient for the OP) and also used as an excuse why she must come on other days (when it is inconvenient for the OP).

OP, it sounds like she just doesn't respect boundaries at all. I'd put my foot down and just say no. On repeat.

spongejack · 28/02/2020 13:46

You've posted about her before, so why the name change? Did the last post not go your way?

Why not welcome her? Appreciate she's visiting you? Do you ever visit her!

ChicCroissant · 28/02/2020 13:48

Was that the birthday trip to the zoo with your family, OP?

strawberry2017 · 28/02/2020 13:49

It's not about not liking her it's about the way she tried to control things. OP was having a tea party for her DS for family to attend, her own included because on DS actual birthday they were planning a nice day for just them.
This wasn't good enough for the MIL. She wants things her way. So she came up with a very ridiculous excuse to try and make sure she got her way.
I can't believe she is still doing it tbh.
I think you need to put her on the spot and tell her straight that whilst you are happy for her to visit and spend time with DS that the behaviour needs to stop and she needs to work with you not against you.
I fear if she continues you will end up NC with her because it will just become too much.

caperberries · 28/02/2020 13:54

I understand OP, it's very manipulative behavior, that would irritate me, too.

5zeds · 28/02/2020 13:54

Be out.

OnlyLittleMissOrganised · 28/02/2020 13:55

Why not just invite her along to the birthday outing? That way she wouldn't have to make excuses. If it was my son the grandparents on both sides would want to be invited and I wouldn't stop them. Ultimately it gives me a break if they are doing the entertaining.

Devlesko · 28/02/2020 13:55

I remember her too.
Well, things haven't improved, glad she got to see her grandson on his birthday though, it must be hard to know you aren't welcome.

Cheeserton · 28/02/2020 13:55

You need to start having appointments on the day she insists she's only available.

ladycarlotta · 28/02/2020 13:56

Yep, I know this one. My mother in law suggested we get together sometime, we offered her some dates and then she said actually she was ONLY free on DD's birthday. Which painted us as the bad guys if we said we had other plans then - we'd be withholding her grandchild from her and being wilfully inflexible.

I get it, OP. I also get the posters who are saying 'doesn't she get to see her grandchild? Why does she feel she has to do this?' erm, to control the narrative and make it about her. My MIL is in aggressive granny-competition (in her own mind) with my mum, and takes every opportunity to gazump her - she doesn't look to fit in with our plans as a family, she just inserts herself into them, to make sure SHE is there for all the special times and OTHER GRAN is not.

I don't think any of this comes from a particularly bad place. I think she genuinely loves her grandchildren and wants to share those moments. But I wish she'd have the confidence to cooperate with us, because we really work hard to facilitate her relationship with DD, we are not freezing her out and she doesn't need to panic and force her way in. Maybe the OP is a heartless bitch, but I've definitely seen this behaviour before and for the most part it's not to do with the DIL.

Jux · 28/02/2020 13:57

Just don''t be there. Tell her you'll be out and then be out. It'll be annoying the first few times but then she'll almost certainly stop.

ladycarlotta · 28/02/2020 13:58

eg there's a world of difference between saying "ooh it's little Tommy's birthday coming up, when would be good for me to visit?" and "cooooeeeee birthday boyyyyy here I am change all your plans!"

violetbunny · 28/02/2020 14:00

Just tell her the time she wants to come isn't convenient because you have an appointment Grin

mistermagpie · 28/02/2020 14:01

Not exactly the same but my MIL always schedules appointments to coincide with either things we have invited her to, or times when she has offered (not been asked, offered) to babysit.

She's had apparently unavoidable hair or nail appointments during two of her grandchildren's birthday parties (not both our children so she does it to everyone), pulled out of babysitting our children a few weeks before the London marathon that her son had be training for months for, because of some other appointment on the day, and all sorts of other things. She's retired by the way, so can do appointments generally anytime. On the flip side, they live very near to us and will pop in at 10.30pm or 8am or other unreasonable times, apparently wanting to 'see the children', who are all under the age of 5...

It's a weird form of control freakery in the case of my MIL, she's a control freak in every aspect of her life and this is just another thing. It sounds like yours is similar. To be honest if it's not convenient I'd just tell her you have an appointment yourself that day, she can hardly question it!