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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be woken up....

106 replies

Letsallcountsheep · 28/02/2020 11:04

Bit of back ground, I have sleep apnoea and use a CPAP machine

So last night as usual I took myself off to bed and left OH playing on his PS4, this happens most nights as he can't sleep before 1am and I like to go to bed around 11. Anyway at midnight he comes upstairs, has a shower, watches a bit of YouTube then will get in bed around 1.

I don't have an issue with his routine he can do what he likes, he's a 40 year old man. My issue is he will turn the big bedroom light on (his bedside lamp is no further then the light switch) which will 9/10 wake me as it's bright then will potter around the room/play a game on his phone while his shower "gets warm" then after his shower he will sit on the end of the bed, wake me to move my feet!! as they are in his way for sitting at the end of the bed while he air dries!! he will sit there watching his videos (with headphones but it's still load enough I can hear) then at 1am he switches everything off and goes to sleeps. Now I'm wide awake!! Angry

We also have a DC(2) who sometimes wakes in the night as well

AIBU to ask him to do his little shower routine before I go to bed so he doesn't wake me up?

I mentioned the CPAP(which I have a love/hate relationship with) as sometimes I fall asleep watching TV so don't have my mask on so he will wake me to tell me to put it on, but he will wake me as soon as he comes in the room to put it on then sometimes I can drop back off while he's in the shower but then am woken AGAIN while he dries off.

OP posts:
simplekindoflife · 28/02/2020 16:25

I'm gobsmacked!!! I would go absolutely mad!

He's being completely selfish and inconsiderate! Complete disregard and almost contempt for your wellbeing?!

I need my sleep, I would honestly end the relationship if he didn't stop this twattish behaviour immediately.

Honestly, I'm so shocked! Who does this?!

VetOnCall · 28/02/2020 16:32

I'd have gone nuclear the very first time someone tried that shit with me. He's an inconsiderate dick. I swear the very first time he switched the light on and then sat on me whilst dicking around on his phone at 1 in the morning when I'd been asleep for 2 hours I'd have launched the fucking thing out of the window (and he'd be thanking his lucky stars I hadn't rammed it up his inconsiderate, twatty arse instead).

I'm often on call overnight and although it goes with the job territory it's tiring and stressful so to be woken up for any reason other than a work emergency or the house burning down would literally give me murderous rage.

Stop putting up with this OP. It's utterly ridiculous, tell him to get to fuck with it from tonight. Seriously. Is he such an inconsiderate, selfish twat in other areas of your life? This is one of the most clear-cut YANBU scenarios I've ever read on here!

VetOnCall · 28/02/2020 16:38

And I would end a relationship with someone who did this if they refused to see how inconsiderate it is and stop doing it - although tbh I'd have serious issues being with someone either so incredibly dense or so blatantly uncaring and inconsiderate about me that they even considered for a second that this is an acceptable thing to do and actually needed to be told that it's not.

RightOnTheEdge · 28/02/2020 16:40

MzHz has put it into words perfectly 🤣

I was genuinely shocked and outraged reading that. And then you creep about in the morning so you don't disturb him?? 😮

If he'd somehow managed to survive the night without me murdering him
I'd be jumping up and down on the bed like a trampoline in the morning and then setting the bed covers on fire 🔥 Angry

What a selfish maggot.

Shoxfordian · 28/02/2020 16:50

How long has he been doing this for? It would have happened once to me because I'd have told him exactly how inconsiderate and rude it was. If it happened twice then game over.

You sound incredibly passive
What other shit do you put up with?

MinnieMountain · 28/02/2020 16:58

I use white noise for my tinnitus. It doesn't bother DH. But I have headphones if it does or when he starts snoring.

Disturbing the sleep of someone you're supposed to love who you know has trouble sleeping is breathtakingly inconsiderate.

Intelinside57 · 28/02/2020 17:32

I'd be murderous and it would certainly be something I couldn't contemplate putting up with for the rest of my life.
If he needs that put in writing then maybe do that?
I know one thing, his precious sleep and precious routine would be over come the morning. Inconsiderate, abusive arse of a man.

BruceAndNosh · 28/02/2020 17:34

My DH and I have totally different body clocks. He's an owl, I'm a lark. But I'm an insomniac lark, so if I have actually managed to get to sleep I HATE being woken up.
Just ONE of your dh's selfish acts would give me the rage.

Thankfully I am not married to an inconsiderate twat. In fact last week we agreed to set the alarm for a certain early time as we had a flight to catch He woke up before the alarm, turned it off, left me sleeping with a cup of tea beside me, and only woke me half an hour later after he had got breakfast ready and packed the car. I still had enough time to shower because he'd done everything else. THAT'S what a decent husband can do.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 28/02/2020 17:38

Remind him that sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.
Ask him what form of torture he feels would be ok for you to inflict on him

BallacheForLife · 28/02/2020 17:48

OP how long have you put up with this bedtime routine for?

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 28/02/2020 17:58

that's horrible!

He needs to go in the spare room or on the sofa if you haven't got a spare room. Even my 5 year old knows not to switch on the ceiling light if they come in my room at night! No excuse for a grown-up man.

He shouldn't even need to be told, unless he has some terrible learning disability, and should have the most basic respect for you.

SocialMediaUser1511 · 28/02/2020 18:03

He’s a selfish arse.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 28/02/2020 18:05

Have you considered taking the lightbulb out of the big light so he has to use his lamp?

That won't solve the feet issue though. Maybe some of the anti-pidgeon spikes at the end of the bed? ignores the completely obvious pitfalls on that suggestion

Arrowfanatic · 28/02/2020 18:34

I'd be removing the big light bulb just to prove that yes, he can indeed find his way to bed, in the dark, without accidentally falling out the window or something.

My DH has to get up for work in the wee small hours. He uses an alarm that vibrates so doesn't disturb me. He puts all his clothes in the hallway in the evening and he creeps out the bathroom & into the shower. Takes his clothes downstairs & gets dressed & leaves. Sometimes I hear him, sometimes I dont depending on how well I'm sleeping. And on weekends he gets up with the kids & leaves me to sleep knowing I need more than he does.

Your husband is a seriously selfish man child.

MinisterForCheekyFuckery · 28/02/2020 19:12

I would 100% not put up with this. The first time he turned the big light on while I was sleeping that would have been it, line in the sand, you do that again and you're in the spare room.

You need to stop asking and start telling. He can still do his routine, he just needs to do it in another room or without turning the big light on, it's not a big deal. What IS a big deal is that he's so rigid, inflexible and self-absorbed that he hasn't been willing to adjust his routine a tiny bit for the sake of his partner, even after it's been pointed out to him that he's disturbing your sleep. I'd be quite hurt by that I think.

weegiemum · 28/02/2020 19:29

He's being ridiculous. My dh has sleep apnoea and I wouldn't in my wildest dreams upset him while he's asleep on his CPAP.

We go to bed about the same time as we both need our sleep (I'm on some strong medication) and if either of us need light then it's the bedside lights (though weirdly he prefers my light!). He showers in the morning but I prefer the evening so I make sure I'm showered and dried and ready for bed about when he goes. He often stays up later than me but is very quiet and discreet. The CPAP is pretty noiseless but I do get to sleep better before he switched it on.

All you're talking about is wanting a little consideration. That's not hard to give. Your do ibu

DameFanny · 28/02/2020 19:30

If he does it tonight, just put on the big light at 7, have a noisy shower etc tomorrow morning. Tell him that if you're not practising consideration to one another any more then that's how it will be.

So Angry on your behalf

Firsttimemama2017 · 28/02/2020 19:36

I can't believe he switches the light on when you are asleep!! If be furious! So inconsiderate and selfish.

Grumpos · 28/02/2020 19:44

Are you kidding? I’d rip his face off if it were me.
It is the height of rudeness and selfishness! The fact he turns the MAIN LIGHT on at 1am when you’re asleep??? It’s making me fucking mad just thinking of it.
Is he this selfish in every other way in life? “Set in his way” is code for selfish arsehole.
HOW FUCKING RUDE!!!
Honestly I’m struggling to understand how you haven’t sat up and screamed FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!!!!!! at him pottering around at 1am Angry

gamerchick · 28/02/2020 19:44

I'm another who will take the bulb.

If he utters the words that he's always done it, tell him it fucking bothers you now and he's to stop doing it or he can either sleep on the settee or you're going to return the favour loudly in the morning until he stops.

Personally I'd go for my own bedroom. I love mine, no men in it.

mummyway · 28/02/2020 19:50

I think it's time you showed the same consideration towards your husband. Please ensure at 7am you switch lights on, sit on the end of the ebd and wake him to move his legs and make him wake up and go see to the kids once in a while. Until he realises how annoying it is he won't change

sunshineANDsweetpeas · 28/02/2020 19:55

I'd either tell kill him and bury him under the patio.

Or for every time he did it to me, I'd be doing it to him in the morning and make sure he knows why

OvalCanvas · 28/02/2020 20:05

This may sound like a ridiculous question @Letsallcountsheep , but is he abusive/inconsiderate in any (other) ways?

I ask because part of exh's repertoire was to prevent me from getting enough sleep by turning lights on and crashing around.

JasonBrun · 28/02/2020 20:09

What the fuck why are you putting up with this?!

MumW · 28/02/2020 20:10

I've learnt from experience that the only way to make DH understand is to do it back to him so light on in the morning, sit on the bed etc
I always get moaned at "if you knew it wasn't nice you're horrible to do it to me" to which the response is "but I've asked you not to do it to me and you refuse to get the message."

Other suggestions are
"I can't cope with you turning on the light/showering/sitting on the bed so you either stop disturbing my sleep or we have seperate rooms you're sleeping on the sofa
Take the light bulb out so that he has to use his bedside light (if you don't mind that on)
A hefty kick every time he moves your legs and wakes you. Bonus points for pushing him off and double bonuses if disrupt his game and he loses a life/points/whatever
When you get up, set your alarm for 5 mins time and snooze it a few times.

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