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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this deathbed cfery? Or AIBU?

108 replies

ohwellherewegoagain · 27/02/2020 21:05

Very sad situation, elderly aunt is very poorly, having palliative care in hospital. She has a large family on her side, many visitors over the last few days. Her husband, my uncle, is my late father's brother, and I am one of few relatives on his side. We have all been visiting to provide some support. Naturally as you do in these situations people have been introducing themselves to each other, as some of us are at best, distant relations. I introduced myself as aunt's niece and was promptly corrected by another niece, who said that you only called yourself that if you were a blood relation ie in this case a child of one of aunt's siblings. So therefore I was uncle's niece, not aunt's niece. I was a bit taken aback, I consider myself every bit an aunt to my "inlaw" nieces and nephews as my "blood" ones. The marriage makes the relationship, doesn't it? Am I being too sensitive? And wasn't it a bit cfy to for that person to bring it up in a deathbed scenario?

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 28/02/2020 01:22

I was only with my ex for a year and a half but have a daughter with him. All her cousins call me aunty and I feel quite chuffed that they see me that way.

It would be sad and unloving if you didn't see her as an aunt.

LorenzoStDubois · 28/02/2020 01:43

Probably they have their eye on what's in the aunt's will for them.....
They are v rude.

Ippydippyskyblue · 28/02/2020 01:54

As I said to my DF in the same scenario, certain matters should not be discussed at the bedside of a dying relative, regardless of the closeness of the relationship. I feel that certain subjects, like money, the will, or status, etc, should not be discussed at such a time and place and it is highly distasteful, vulgar and inappropriate.
I feel very strongly about such matters as the hearing is one of the last senses to go.
For once I had exactly the right words to say to my DF, rather than the usual speechless person I usually become in that situation and with my DF too.
I could just imagine the person that was passing away had a bloody good chuckle and gave me a thumbs up, because he said that he felt that I “was the only one who got(as in understood him). He felt that I was “the only one who didn’t patronise him as well”.

winniethekid · 28/02/2020 02:44

They are being silly, you are her niece and that's that.

Unusualsuspicion · 28/02/2020 07:24

"and if you don't have kids?"

It was just one eg of the family link. Another way of seeing it is your aunts and uncles are your cousins' parents. Either way I am utterly boggled because it's just not a distinction I've ever known anyone make. And as an only child it's miserable to think that there are people out there who would think my dh's sister's child is not my nephew. He bloody is! It is definitely sad to me to imagine being downgraded to 'aunt-in-law'. Though luckily I think i am in the majority in thinking 'aunt-in-law' is a total nonsense term Grin

Runnerduck34 · 28/02/2020 07:38

You're not being unreasonable, she is probably marking herself down as having a closer relationship to aunt, in reality the closer you are to someone has little to do with blood. Don't let it upset you .
when growing up all my aunt and uncles were just that, whether by blood or marriage , and I was their niece. My husband's family is a bit different, my husband is uncle to his nieces and nephews but they've never called me aunt so it could be that her family do things differently but it doesn't mean yours are wrong.

fedup21 · 28/02/2020 07:45

Though luckily I think i am in the majority in thinking 'aunt-in-law' is a total nonsense term

Snap.

I have never heard it used, never seen it written (expect on this thread) and never heard it spoken about.

I suspect it was used once in the 1500s and never again!

Ponoka7 · 28/02/2020 07:50

You are quite right, that was the point of marriage, to secure relationships. You are, her Niece. But it's the quality of the relationship that ties the bond, with or without marriage. We had a thread on this the other day. I was surprised how petty some people think.

She's marking her territory, it'll carry on to the funeral. Let's hope it doesn't go as far as her pissing on the coffin.

lowlandLucky · 28/02/2020 07:54

Do the call their Aunts and Uncles by marriage Aunt in law or Uncle in law ? Smile sweetly at them

Ponoka7 · 28/02/2020 07:56

"I suspect it was used once in the 1500s and never again!"

It wouldn't have been. They were even more hard core about marriage cementing familal ties. In some languages their isn't words for 'in laws', the relationship upon marriage, in those cultures becomes as significant as your blood relatives.

NoveltyFunsy · 28/02/2020 08:04

Stupid, but not sure how its CF?

starfishmummy · 28/02/2020 08:31

I sometimes use the terms as "shorthand" if Im talking to someone who is nosey wants to know the precise family relationship. "My husband's nephew" lets them know that nephew is child of my husband's sibling and not child of my sibling. It doesnt mean we have any less of a relationship with him.

burnoutbabe · 28/02/2020 08:33

It makes sense as if there was a divorce you may well not see that person again. I don't consider my other halves Neices and nephews as mine too, even though I have known them since they were born. Same with his uncles and aunts.
My aunt who is married to my uncle, she had been around since I was born so yes I consider her an aunt but if she had married him when I was 30? Then she'd be uncles wife really and not seen again if divorced.
I'd also probably expect childless aunts and uncles by marriage to leave their money to blood relations rather than being equal. I would with mine. And other half can take care of his side with his will.

LittleCandle · 28/02/2020 08:38

I had something like this at a family wedding, where a bridesmaid kept asking me who I was and why I was there. She is the bride's cousin (by marriage) on the bride's father's side and I am the bride's cousin on her mother's side. I have no idea what her issue was with me (she was the same at the bride's father's funeral a year later), but just let her get on with it. I don't understand the need to 'trump' someone else about relationships, but doing it on the deathbed is really off.

whyamidoingthis · 28/02/2020 09:04

Though luckily I think i am in the majority in thinking 'aunt-in-law' is a total nonsense term

I love the way posters assume anything outside their own experience has to be nonsenseGrin. I posted a link to a dictionary definition up thread but hey, ho, you and some others have never heard it so it doesn’t exist.

diddl · 28/02/2020 09:13

Well, lets hope for their sake then the Aunt hasn't left everything to her husband who will then be leaving only to his "real" nieces!

What a strange thing to nit pick about at such a time.

whyamidoingthis · 28/02/2020 09:36

I’d still like to know if all those who don’t recognise aunt/uncle in-law as appropriate terms, refer to sil/bil as sister/brother and pils as parents, and if not, why is that different?

fedup21 · 28/02/2020 09:48

I’d still like to know if all those who don’t recognise aunt/uncle in-law as appropriate terms, refer to sil/bil as sister/brother and pils as parents, and if not, why is that different?

No, I don’t.

It’s different because I had never heard of the terms aunt/uncle in law until this thread.

Unusualsuspicion · 28/02/2020 09:50

I said I thought I was in the majority. Some might use aunt-in-law but it's clearly not in common usage! Parents-in-law and sisters-in-law comes about because the sibling and parental relationships precede the in-law ones by some decades. That is much more rarely the case with aunts and uncles, who come into being as a concept only when adult sibling sets start having kids. Most aunts and uncles will know their nieces and nephews from birth, so it makes no sense to separate the relationship by marriage/blood. I can see why a very late marriage of an uncle or aunt could mean you wouldn't consider their partner your aunt/uncle in quite the same way as if they'd been part of the family since your birth, but otherwise it's crazy to me to consider family in such strict bloodline terms. As people have said upthread, marriage is literally about creating familial ties through means other than blood!

OddBoots · 28/02/2020 09:59

In that situation tensions run high but you were not unreasonable to call yourself niece, that is what you are.

It does sometimes get a bit odd though, my sibling is separating, I am not sure if or when to stop referring to their soon to be ex by their family title to my children.

Unusualsuspicion · 28/02/2020 10:06

"I am not sure if or when to stop referring to their soon to be ex by their family title to my children."

Two of my mum's siblings divorced decades ago. Their ex-spouses are still aunt and uncle to me, just like they stayed parents to my cousins, even though one of the divorces was v bitter. In fact my aunt (as in my mum's brothers ex-wife) went on to marry again and her new husband also became my uncle Grin The more family the better imo.

NoveltyFunsy · 28/02/2020 10:14

I don't consider my other halves Neices and nephews as mine too, even though I have known them since they were born. Same with his uncles and aunts.
My aunt who is married to my uncle, she had been around since I was born so yes I consider her an aunt

That is an absolute contradiction

OddBoots · 28/02/2020 10:15

@Unusualsuspicion I agree, just feels a bit odd as they have only been married a couple of years and my children are late teens/early twenties. I think I will just leave it to the 'children' to decide.

burnoutbabe · 28/02/2020 10:42

Yes it's a contradiction, probably based on relationships having started from before I can remember stuff (ie my aunts) and relationships starting when I am in my 30s/40s ie those with my other halves family.
(And I am much more involved with my side of the family as I make an effort, but see his side once a year as that is his level of effort),

HoHoHolly · 28/02/2020 10:55

I don't think it's anything to do with Cfery. She's being a bit of a wanker, is all, but few of us are our best selves in this sort of situation. Don't dignify it with any more headspace.