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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this deathbed cfery? Or AIBU?

108 replies

ohwellherewegoagain · 27/02/2020 21:05

Very sad situation, elderly aunt is very poorly, having palliative care in hospital. She has a large family on her side, many visitors over the last few days. Her husband, my uncle, is my late father's brother, and I am one of few relatives on his side. We have all been visiting to provide some support. Naturally as you do in these situations people have been introducing themselves to each other, as some of us are at best, distant relations. I introduced myself as aunt's niece and was promptly corrected by another niece, who said that you only called yourself that if you were a blood relation ie in this case a child of one of aunt's siblings. So therefore I was uncle's niece, not aunt's niece. I was a bit taken aback, I consider myself every bit an aunt to my "inlaw" nieces and nephews as my "blood" ones. The marriage makes the relationship, doesn't it? Am I being too sensitive? And wasn't it a bit cfy to for that person to bring it up in a deathbed scenario?

OP posts:
JigsawsAreInPieces · 27/02/2020 23:08

Your aunt is married to your uncle. No matter which is the ”blood” relative. Hmm

StoppinBy · 27/02/2020 23:11

Of course you are her niece. I have an Uncle who married his wife when I was about 10 she is still my Aunty. Her son who she had before she met my Uncle is my cousin.

Not sure what her problem is but I would gently remind her there is more to family than blood.

whyamidoingthis · 27/02/2020 23:12

Your nieces and nephews 'by marriage' are actually your childrens' blood relations, it's rather sad imo to not see them as full family.

My children's blood relations are not necessarily mine. I don't consider my sil to be my sister or my pils to be my parents, and I very much doubt most posters here do either. Why is aunt/uncle any different.

I didn't say I don't see dh's nieces or nephews as family. They are family. They are family by marriage. It's not at all sad. I have a very good relationship with most of them.

whyamidoingthis · 27/02/2020 23:14

@DancyNancy - I'm in Ireland too. Maybe an Irish thing in certain areas?

whyamidoingthis · 27/02/2020 23:17

Must remember to tell DNephew(10) and DNeice(3) that they are being ridiculous and they are no longer to call me "Auntie Frangipani

Do people really use aunt/uncle as a title when speaking to them? I've never used the title when speaking to aunts/uncles and don't think I know anyone who does.

SuburbanFraggle · 27/02/2020 23:17

The one step removed is basically going up generations i.e.your generation - parents' generation - grandparents etc.

Lamplighter234 · 27/02/2020 23:18

I’ve never heard of ‘aunt in law’ is this the proper term?
Even if it is, it’s very very rude to point it out / correct you on it. If she says it again I’d be tempted to tell her it’s not a competition (away from the hearing of your aunt).

Newkitchen123 · 27/02/2020 23:20

What's all this aunt and uncle in law malarkey?
You get cards for brother and sister in law, son and daughter in law etc but I've never seen aunt and uncle in law! It's aunt and uncle!

Skierrdery · 27/02/2020 23:20

What she was basically reminding you of was that you're not family and that you're an inlaw.

Redlocks30 · 27/02/2020 23:22

We always referred to uncle and aunt in-law if they were married in, while the blood relatives were uncle and aunt

There is no such thing though, surely?!

Bloodless · 27/02/2020 23:26

She was very rude to correct you like that, YANBU

Although me & friend were talking about this not along ago, irrelevant to your situation though. She refers to in-laws as auntie & uncles. I don’t, I find it strange. I’d refer to them as my aunts husband or whatever. Different strokes for different strokes I suppose

Skierrdery · 27/02/2020 23:28

in-law means, by law.
It's not blood relations.

JoshArcherStoleMyTractor · 27/02/2020 23:28

Wtf so DH isn't my niece's uncle? Try telling them that!

Skierrdery · 27/02/2020 23:30

People can get very insular in grief and it's all about 'family'. The funeral is fine for everyone, but the deathbed is for close relatives.

Aurignacian · 27/02/2020 23:45

I think technically they were wrong as you are her niece, even through marriage. Sounds understandably upsetting for you and horrible of them. Some people are thoughtless though.

whyamidoingthis · 27/02/2020 23:49

There is no such thing though, surely?!

Of course there is: www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/aunt-in-law

VanGoghsDog · 27/02/2020 23:53

Your nieces and nephews 'by marriage' are actually your childrens' blood relations

and if you don't have kids?

MatildaTheCat · 28/02/2020 00:04

DH and I have large families. We know and love/ like one another’s aunts and uncles. They preceded our relationship.

We also have a fabulous posse of nephews and nieces between us and we completely view them as ‘ours’ and I’m certain they feel the same.

So I guess there is some scope for blurred lines here. However, they were very rude and YANBU to be annoyed.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 28/02/2020 00:05

If your father's brother's wife isn't your aunt then what is she?
How ridiculous! they are your aunt and uncle.

mumysgirls · 28/02/2020 00:12

She is your aunt and you are definitely her niece, sorry you are going through this.
As I side note my children do very much use the titles of uncle and aunty.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 28/02/2020 00:19

Do people really use aunt/uncle as a title when speaking to them? I've never used the title when speaking to aunts/uncles and don't think I know anyone who does.

My kids called their aunt and uncle (and even some of our friends) by their titles. They still do it sometimes now even though they are mostly grown up. My grown up nieces and nephews and some of my friends’ kids still sometimes call me auntie too.

We are not very sophisticated people though Wink

mummmy2017 · 28/02/2020 00:31

How sad to worry at a time like this.

YappityYapYap · 28/02/2020 00:41

You are the niece of your auntie. Just ignore them OP.

My DH is an only child but I have 3 sisters. I think DH would be a bit upset if someone told him he's not actually our nieces and nephews uncle!

80sMum · 28/02/2020 01:05

In terms of genealogy, your niece is the daughter of your brother or sister.

I've never considered DH's nieces to be mine also. They called me "auntie" when they were young, but I am not their aunt. My husband is their uncle. They don't have an aunt because their mother only has a brother.

I have never thought of my nieces and nephews as being DH's - and neither has he.

I'm surprised that other people seem to see things differently. But the fact is that niece/nephew/aunt/uncle is a blood relationship in the same way as brother/sister/mother/father is.

If your brother divorced his wife, then the ex wife is no longer your sister-in-law and is not "auntie" to your children. Whereas your brother will always be your children's uncle, regardless of whether or not he is married or how many times he divorces and remarries.

80sMum · 28/02/2020 01:19

I’ve had this before. It’s very odd. Is this what ‘one step removed’ is about?

No, it isn't. In genealogy, when we say "once removed" or "twice removed", we are referring to differences in generations. So, for example, let's say that your mother has two first cousins called John and George, who are her sister's sons.

John and George are your first cousins too - but are "once removed", ie one generation above you.

When you have children yourself, John and George are their first cousins too, but "twice removed" ... and so on down the generations.