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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this deathbed cfery? Or AIBU?

108 replies

ohwellherewegoagain · 27/02/2020 21:05

Very sad situation, elderly aunt is very poorly, having palliative care in hospital. She has a large family on her side, many visitors over the last few days. Her husband, my uncle, is my late father's brother, and I am one of few relatives on his side. We have all been visiting to provide some support. Naturally as you do in these situations people have been introducing themselves to each other, as some of us are at best, distant relations. I introduced myself as aunt's niece and was promptly corrected by another niece, who said that you only called yourself that if you were a blood relation ie in this case a child of one of aunt's siblings. So therefore I was uncle's niece, not aunt's niece. I was a bit taken aback, I consider myself every bit an aunt to my "inlaw" nieces and nephews as my "blood" ones. The marriage makes the relationship, doesn't it? Am I being too sensitive? And wasn't it a bit cfy to for that person to bring it up in a deathbed scenario?

OP posts:
NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 27/02/2020 21:37

salmonswimming

I’ve had this before. It’s very odd. Is this what ‘one step removed’ is about?
No. That is to do with the number of generations you and another relative are from the relative you share in common.

BusterMove · 27/02/2020 21:37

I always referred to my fathers sisters husbands as my uncles, and they referred to me as their niece.
I wouldn't say anything to her in this situation, but I think she was wrong.

ArriettyJones · 27/02/2020 21:37

Some people do make that distinction. I can never quite work out why. Pedantry? Claiming good genetics? Ancient feuds?

I’ve never heard if at a deathbed situation, though. V inappropriate of them to start drawing distinctions in that scenario,

amusedbush · 27/02/2020 21:38

My uncle met his wife when I was 3yo. She is as much my auntie as my mum’s sister is.

Their attitude is appalling and I’m sorry you’ve had to listen to their drivel during this terrible time. I agree that they are grief grabbing.

TeacupDrama · 27/02/2020 21:45

one step re moved is about not being same generation

your cousin's children are 1st cousins once removed to you but they are 2nd cousins to your own children ( common great grandparent)

she is wrong but I would let it lie, obviously her DH is your blood relation but Aunt is the title for wife of an uncle

lachy · 27/02/2020 21:45

Flowers Sorry you are having a rough time.

I have an uncle who is very very dear to me. He is my Aunt's partner. They've never got round to getting married so in the legal sense isn't actually my "Uncle" at all.

He is, and always will be my Uncle because of who he is and how much he has impacted my life.

Your aunt may not be related to you by blood but sometimes water can be thicker.

Take care.

CoffeeRunner · 27/02/2020 21:47

I am a nurse on an elderly care medical ward and deal with complicated family dynamics on a daily basis.

I would say YABU to argue the point on the ward, in front of the patient, in an end of life situation. No form of argument is appropriate then.

However YANBU to consider the relative who said this to be a cunt of the highest order and to have nothing more to do with them going forward.

Itwasntme1 · 27/02/2020 21:48

What a petty comment to make at such a difficult time.

She is your aunt.

whyamidoingthis · 27/02/2020 21:54

The cousin was rude and wrong, you were right and polite.

I agree the cousin was rude and should not have mentioned it. However, I think the cousin was right about the relationship. We always referred to uncle and aunt in-law if they were married in, while the blood relatives were uncle and aunt. I refer to dh's nieces and nephews as dh's nieces and nephews. It doesn't mean I don't love them or have a good relationship with them but they are not my actual nieces and nephews.

Furrydogmum · 27/02/2020 21:56

Similar but different.. My Sil, who is one of my closest friends, told me recently that husband's and wives of the children of deceased pils have no place in sorting out the house and belongings when the time comes.. She's welcome to expect my Dh's help but he'll be as much use as a chocolate teapot!!

Skierrdery · 27/02/2020 22:02

You're not blood. That's really the only difference.

I remember saying that I had 4 uncles. My mother declared that I only had two 'real' uncles. The others were uncle-in-laws.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/02/2020 22:17

But you are blood!

You and your cousins share blood, so that makes her your blood relative, across one and up one (iykwim).

My "Uncle" is being buried next week. He isnt actually my uncle, he is my cousins uncle, but our families were very close so he might as well have been. No one has corrected me and my cousin (his blood neice) introduced me as his neice to another relative on her side.

I agree with the grief thief thing above, they need to prove that they were more important than you. Pathetic really.

TheTwilightZone · 27/02/2020 22:17

She is your aunt.whether the competitive niece likes it or not 🤷‍♂️

Itwasntme1 · 27/02/2020 22:23

We have been having this discussion In my family, and I do think when it’s aunts and uncles who have married in it depends on your relationship with them.

My uncle (mums brother) does ten years ago, his wife is still absolutely my aunt and Will always be a member of our family.

However my nephew has an aunt-by marriage who separated from his uncle when he was two. He is now 10 and doesn’t even really know who she is. While technically speaking she is his aunt (until there is a divorce) realistically she is just an unrelated stranger.

Rainbunny · 27/02/2020 22:28

Well that's just stupid. If everyone in society went about only regarding the pure blood relatives in their families as actual family then no one would ever truly be considered to have an extended family in many ways. Arguably an important purpose of marriage through the centuries both religously and legally, is to bring together familes to create greater, long lasting families for the stability and greater wealth of a community. If we limit the notion of family to something barely a step away from pure blood (inbred!?!) members then it makes for an unheathy community.

I have many uncles and aunts and to suggest that I should only consider the uncles/aunts who are direct siblings of my parents as family, excluding their husbands and wives (people who've known me since I was born) is beyond ridiculous to me.

VanGoghsDog · 27/02/2020 22:28

This is interesting.

I consider myself aunt to my sister's kids (she is my half sister, but even so). I am single and 51, and if I married now I would not consider myself aunt to what would surely be grown up nieces and nephews of any husband. Mind you, nor would I consider myself step mother to grown up offspring.

However, I agree with you that I call my aunt's husbands uncle and consider them my uncles.

But I also think we do need an 'in law' aunt/uncle word as it is a bit different!

FoamingAtTheUterus · 27/02/2020 22:31

She's probably wondering about the will already........people like that always are. 🧐

JesusSufferingFuck22 · 27/02/2020 22:35

Flowers So sorry for a very sad situation with your aunt.
Rise above the comment. They may have ASD (diagnosed or undiagnosed) and couldn't help but be very pedantic and correct you. Or they may just be very pedantic and unpleasant.

I also have no idea if they were correct or not.

Unusualsuspicion · 27/02/2020 22:35

"We always referred to uncle and aunt in-law if they were married in, while the blood relatives were uncle and aunt. I refer to dh's nieces and nephews as dh's nieces and nephews"

That's not usual, in fact I have never ever heard anyone disavow a niece and nephew because they are 'by marriage' only. Your nieces and nephews 'by marriage' are actually your childrens' blood relations, it's rather sad imo to not see them as full family. I have a nephew, my dh's sister's son, and thank god I'm seen as a full auntie as I don't have any siblings of my own to produce offspring. Growing up I had nine aunts and uncles and we made absolutely no differentiation as to whether they are my parents siblings or not, including after several bitter divorces. They were my cousins' parents, therefore they were aunts and uncles!

Atthebottomofthegarden · 27/02/2020 22:41

Hmm I wonder if she thinks your aunt will leave her estate to her “nieces and nephews” 🤔

Jux · 27/02/2020 22:43

Of course you're her niece. What a nasty thing that person did.

Cotswolds10 · 27/02/2020 22:44

Sorry to say, my first thought was the same as @FoamingAtTheUterus.

Maybe she is aware of something left in the will to her ‘nieces’ and is trying to assert a distinction between her and you in anticipation.

Cotswolds10 · 27/02/2020 22:45

Sorry, dreadful grammar, I’m 2 glasses of wine down!

FrangipaniBlue · 27/02/2020 22:49

Well by your relatives logic I will never have any nieces or nephews, what with being an only child.....

Must remember to tell DNephew(10) and DNeice(3) that they are being ridiculous and they are no longer to call me "Auntie Frangipani"

DancyNancy · 27/02/2020 23:03

I'm in Ireland, and most people I know would refer to aunts and uncles as you do. However, I say 'my uncle's wife'...and I would say 'DH 's niece'.
She calls me Auntie DancyNancy.
I find it strange to refer to my sister's partner as my kids uncle too. Strange is the wrong word. But what I mean is, although almost everyone around me does what you do, it isn't something I can say...must ask my parents where that came from

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