To ask how to reply to this text?

[MissEliza]

Dh and I have been good friends with a couple, we'll call Mary and John, for 7i or 8 years. Since the beginning of last year, it feels like John and Mary ghosted us and the rest of our friendship circle. They have turned down every invitation as a couple or simply not shown up without explanation and John has made an excuse every time dh has invited him for a pint. Over that time, the only time Mary has got in touch is to ask if my oldest dc can babysit their dcs, maybe four or five times. The last time was in October and we've had no contact with then since. We didn't even get a Christmas card and I've noticed John trying to avoid me in the street more than once!!
Today I received a message from Mary on my WhatsApp but addressed to my dc. It said like 'Sam (my dc) would you be able to babysit for us next Friday?' She has to know it's my phone number as the profile has my picture! AIBU to think when we've barely spoken to them in over a year and it's actually my phone she should really be saying 'Hi Eliza could you ask Sam if she would babysit for us'? Tbh Sam doesn't even want the babysitting money. The other times she did it, we persuaded her to help Mary and John out as it's very difficult to find babysitters. Right now I feel like if she can't talk to us, why should we do her a 'favour'.
How should I reply?

I wud just say sorry cant .Were so busy with our own family outings . Or you cud just say fk off x

The only thing I don’t understand in your post is the “why should WE do her any favours” part because it’s not really you at all, it’s your (adult?) did!

But I’d respond and say something like “Hi Mary, did you mean to text Sam as you’ve sent this to me?”

Why on earth did you pass the message on?!

As you've said, it's completely rude. It irritated you last time. But you've just basically accepted her cold-shouldering you VERY DELIBRERATELY AND POINTEDLY - and just meekly passed the message on!

I'd actually tell your DD that you've had another message and they don't need her now. Then ignore the text.

Stop being walked over!

Just reply no !!! And

Oh I see you've saluted her and let her know you've done her bidding.

I'd send a second text:

'By the way too Mary, next time at least try saying hello when you text my phone wanting a job done. It's so incredibly rude when you don't - makes you seem such a twat - which, in hindsight, I suppose you are. Have a lovely evening'

@MissEliza did she respond to your message saying you’d pass it on? What do your other friends in the group think about the ghosting?

It’s odd that they’ve ghosted everyone in your friendship group, not just you two.
I’d do what you have done I think leave it up to your dd.
But I’d also want to know what was going on.

I would just reply hi this is my number, probably best you message Sam directly, and ask her yourself. Leave it there then.

Does she have your DD number?

this is perfect: "oh hi, this is Elizas phone , not sams. how are you and john? not heard from you in a while!" And I might add: "have asked about the b sitting and sorry, no, Sam is busy."

Good friends for 8 yearay
Past year or so - noticeable change in relationship
Less contact, no shows, perceived avoidance

In the past 12 months, did it not occur to you /your OH to maybe ask your good friends of 8 years if everything is OK in a friendly supportive non confrontational way?

Probably more enlightening than making unfounded assumptions of what could be the issue, judging negatively and writing them off.

Maybe the fact that you don't care says something about the relationship in general. Maybe you weren't as good friends as you thought. Maybe they get that feeling from you and are pulling back. Maybe there are issues you know nothing - health, emotional, marriage, financial.

Maybe so many things it could be that and that you'll only know (if it's worth it and if you get a response) by asking. Directly. If, however, you're not bothered and really don't care - then simply leave it and adjust the relationship status to 'acquaintances'.

"Hi Mary. Eliza here. It was a surprise to hear from you out of the blue. I'm glad you sent your message to the wrong phone - gives me an opportunity to chat with you. How are you all doing? Its been a while. Hope all is well

I'll be honest and come straight to the point - we've been confused and a bit worried by the change in our relationship this past year. We hardly see you and John and haven't heard from you in months. Is everything OK?

If you want to talk, please know I'm here and happy to listen and support. Or even if you don't want to talk - I can do that too and just be there for you.

I've also had the unpleasant niggling feeling that maybe I or OH have upset you in some way. If this is the case, please know it was unintentional and I'd be grateful if we could talk it through and hopefully sort it out.

Whatever the case, I hope all is well with you all and we miss you "

I think @MadMadaMim reply is perfect.

You never know what’s going on in people’s lives.

I ghosted my social circle when it became obvious my eldest had complex SN. They sort of exploded with symptoms. It took us both a few months before we could deal with people again. I got depressed and took longer. People forgave him but not me.

I’d ask her what is going on. Then I’d ignore her.

It is always upsetting to be ghosted. However you can never know what is going on in someone’s life. I have made some mistakes and learnt a few (costly) lessons. Ask if everything is ok? And say you are asking because you haven’t heard much from them and hope they are alright. It is also upsetting to disappear due to for example mental health issues or something you find difficult to share and find that no one asks with genuine concern about your well being. Just saying they might be facing some difficulties...or perhaps they are the rude horrible people who deserve to be treated accordingly....🤷🏻‍♀️

What stood out for me was that she never acknowledged you in her message. That is rude regardless of whatever is going on in her life.

I think your response was fine.

So you've passed the messaged onto your daughter and you also don't want to know why they've ghosted you. But the thing is now we all do!

Oh I didn’t know you told her you’d passed the message on!

Personally I wouldn’t want my child to babysit for them. Reason being is they sound unpredictable and not nice people. So I wouldn’t want my child looking after their children incase anything happened or mine was accused of something. If they can go from being friends to people who ignore you in the street and you truly don’t know why then they don’t sound right.

@MadMadaMim
I read the thread and on page 6 someone is picking up on what seemed obvious in reading the first few lines of the OP. Being ghosted? Maybe there’s something going on with them and you’ve not been interested?

Your friendship has run it's course no big fallout or drama . I get your point how she didn't acknowledge you is a touch rude. The purpose of the message was offering DD work . I'd just reply pasted it on she'll be in touch and tell DD to reply .

I agree with honeyroar's response. The responses from some posters don't sound clever, just trying-hard to be and, unless you want to actively let Mary know that you're hurt by her lack of contact, I wouldn't send them.

Stating that it's your number, not Sam's but that you've passed on the message and she'll get back to you if she wants to babysit, is the perfect response imo.

I agree that @MadMadaMim reply is the kindest and therefore the right way to follow up to your earlier response.

I worry for future generations when someone can read your OP and think she's after your husband. How's that going to work if his child is babysitting ?.

Just to add another perspective. We've slipped off the radar in recent years with work, depression, kids with high needs and being embarrassed about some of their behaviour, and just social anxiety after being 'out of the circles' for so long. We really like all our friends and they are all GOOD people, but I wouldn't say any of them reached out to see how we were and where we'd gone. It just became the new 'normal' without any bad intent from either side.

On the VERY rare occasion we've been out we have used our friends Au Pair and I message her to check this is ok before contacting the au pair directly.

So I get that her not acknowledging you is rude - it really is thoughtless. But be kind and realise that sometimes the problem doesn't lie with you or anywhere near where you think it does.

But be kind and realise that sometimes the problem doesn't lie with you or anywhere near where you think it does

Sure, but you'd have to be really stupid not to see that asking for favours after months of ignoring OP is rude as heck.

If you have other stuff going on - fine. But you dont then ask for a favour without even asking how they are?