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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know if this marriage will ever work?

261 replies

FizzyWaterMelon · 25/02/2020 23:31

First post so go easy on me please.

Tl:dr. Husband wants me to work part time and look after the house. Super high expectations make it impossible and we both feel like crap.

I've been with my now husband for just under two years. We got married in January, a rushed wedding as we'd just bought a house together. The house has needed a substantial amount of work done inxli9a new kitchen and bathroom, costing a small fortune we borrowed from my mum and came from his savings account. The house is in my name and me (and my mum) paid the deposit.

He is a really loving and caring guy. Always puts me first, looks out for me, makes sure I'm OK in stressful situations etc when my anxiety plays up.

When we met I had returned to uni and was going to pursue becoming a primary teacher, then later it changed to accountancy. I had always had a goal of having a good career that would allow me to live the lifestyle I want. I don't want lots of holidays, I just want to do things with my horse. We decided mutually that there was no point me getting a new career underway to then take so many years off to have children, and so I cancelled my uni course and finished with a BA.

Over the last few months and with me working various shift patterns from part time to full time, we have talked so many times about me only working part time and staying at home to look after the house etc while he works full time. We have discussed it that often I don't remember who's idea it was and feel he has been pushing me to give up my job so I an become a good little housewife.

My part time job pays the mortgage and for my horse. That was the deal, and he pays everything else. In return it's my job to take care of the house, do the washing etc. Except every time I do something he has a problem with it. I stopped doing washing in his day off as I was mixing loads and things weren't getting washed properly. I stopped cleaning as I was either doing it too quickly and therefore incorrectly or too slowly and taking too long.

Basically, everything I do he says is wrong, and it's getting me down. Tonight is the 2ns night in 6 weeks I'm sleeping on the couch. I do things a regular person does but everything is wrong and apparently shows I have no respect for him at all.

He is very considerate in some areas. Always makes sure my mum is OK now she's on her own, takes care of all the bills from his pay, wants me to have the best life I can. And in return I just need to treat him the way he treats me. The problem is I just can't. I always mess it up or over think it or only think about myself.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just suck it up and work on being a better wife? Not many folk can say they only work part time with no kids and have so much free time.

Kudos if you go this far.

OP posts:
TopoftheT0wer · 26/02/2020 16:27

Bugbear - I'm sure that you are in the minority. Most people have bills, mortgages, responsibilities

I know someone who has been retired for 30+ years

Personally, I'd rather work when I'm healthy, not when I'm too old. I know people who are 60+ who are struggling health-wise & wondering how they will fund their retirement. Then others who have retired at 60 who are healthy & wealthy

bugbhaer · 26/02/2020 16:59

Bugbear - I'm sure that you are in the minority. Most people have bills, mortgages, responsibilities

I’m sure you’re right. I still have bills and responsibilities of course (I paid my mortgage off).

GiveHerHellFromUs · 26/02/2020 17:00

I am in the UK @aryastarkwolf

The MW tried to discourage it originally but she stood firm and got it quite easily

hammeringinmyhead · 26/02/2020 17:03

I am rather hoping whether or not OP could have a hypothetical C-section with the hypothetical baby will never be a factor.

Bluetrews25 · 26/02/2020 17:07

Likely not to be a baby or a CS if he has had the snip, so all this being supportive stuff is crap anyway. Is he likely to be able to adopt or foster? Won't he fall at the first interview? Meaning OP has, in theory, given it all up for nothing, and just will be assigned to drudge duties forever?
Things can improve, OP, but you have to get through the hard bit first.

Poorolddaddypig · 26/02/2020 17:09

Omg this is seriously disturbing. He sounds really, really awful.

MulticolourMophead · 26/02/2020 17:20

@FizzyWaterMelon I left an abusive relationship after 30 years and it left me broken. You are in an abusive relationship, and if you get out now, you are in a much stronger position than I was.

This man is bad news. Please read all the advice here and leave. Get your studies completed and go get a career. Find a nice young man.

You deserve so much better.

Italiangreyhound · 26/02/2020 17:22

@FizzyWaterMelon may I ask a question that seems relevant (to me) but may be too personal to answer?

TheHagOnTheHill · 26/02/2020 17:23

Se a solicitor asap about the house.It is in your name,the deposit came from you and your mum.You pay the mortgage.
You haven't had the house for long so the most he could ask for is money that he paid from his savings.The rest is yours,since it was a recent purchase all paperwork/payment details will be easily available.
Ask him to move out,get a friend to help with f you need to.
Just rereading your first post,married this January?
Either way you need to get back to full time work while you plan other training/way ahead and get him out.
I second whoever said counciling for you so that you can stand up for yourself in the future.
And finally why are you too frightened to get your charger?

Dollyparton3 · 26/02/2020 21:35

@LAA2

"Is there no way of transferring the ownership of the house into your mothers name without him knowing seeing as it is in your name. That way the house isnt part of any divorce proceedings, then it can be transferred back afterwards. Not sure if that is even possible but that was my first thought to ringfence the house"

In the interests of equality let's just imagine a man was about to try this. Mumsnet would hang him out to dry for even thinking it.

Best case scenario here is that the OP has to pay him a couple of grand to do one in divorce proceedings to crawl back to where he came from. In the case of a short marriage that's standard. Worst case scenario is that she stays with him another 10 years and withers away at his mercy.

I hope the OP is ok, she's been very quiet today

Original poster
FizzyWaterMelon · 26/02/2020 22:42

@italiangreyhound what is your question?

So we talked it out last night and kind of came to the conclusion it wasn't going up work. Then this morning he seemed to have forgotten about that and it got a bit sticky. He's claiming that although the mortgage is in my name etc he is not going to leave and I'll have to put the house on the market. Its already in negative equity as w got so much work done.

After a long talk I managed to convince him that I just felt backed into a corner and couldn't see a way out. He has forgiven the conversation and thinks we are going back to how we were before. In the meantime I'm going to find a good solicitor to see where I stand, start working more hours then in a few months time I'll be in a stronger position.

OP posts:
Original poster
FizzyWaterMelon · 26/02/2020 22:43

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate it and have taken all your advice and support on board.

OP posts:
k1233 · 26/02/2020 23:26

"He's claiming that although the mortgage is in my name etc he is not going to leave and I'll have to put the house on the market."

Saw that one coming a mile away. He's on a good wicket and knows it. He'll try to get everything he can.

Find a good solicitor and work out your rights and a plan to get him out of your life.

"He has forgiven the conversation" - again this just makes my skin crawl and feel quite frightened for you. Expressing a difference of opinion or having your own views does not need forgiveness. It's not normal and another example of how he's controlling you.

messolini9 · 26/02/2020 23:26

He has forgiven the conversation and thinks we are going back to how we were before.

Erm ... who the fuck does he think he is?
And what exactly does he think you have said that needs "forgiveness"?

It's HIS behaviour that is out of order. He is refusing to leave YOUR house. This is complicated by your marriage licence ... solicitor ASAP - & DO NOT TELL HIM you are seeing one.

VBT2 · 26/02/2020 23:31

“He’s forgiven the conversation”. FFS. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

Move quickly to end it. Don’t worry about the negative equity - that’s potentially helpful to you in an asset split and you can build it back up over time. Even if this all ends up being a costly lesson, you’re young and you have plenty of scope to recover. Good luck

JudyCoolibar · 26/02/2020 23:37

It's an extraordinary thing that it is always the men who make a big issue about people showing them respect who least deserve it. If you are worthy of respect, people will respect you automatically and you can't demand it. When it comes to making up rules around respect - such as that the servant wife must do housework the man's way or she is disrespecting him - then in essence it's like him putting up a sign saying "I'm a sad insecure loser". I am sure we can all think of people whom we truly respect who wouldn't dream of making these sorts of demands in a million years.

gamerchick · 26/02/2020 23:39

Well at least you know what he was after for sure now OP. Time to plan.

PelicanPie · 27/02/2020 00:09

Just reading this makes me so so angry with your OH.

granadagirl · 27/02/2020 00:12

It didn’t take him long to pull the line, I’m going nowhere!!
Put it on the market
The cheeky fucker.

You get all the info from a free half hour solicitor, then go to another if you haven’t got all your questions answered.
If it’s in your&mums name and you pay the mortgage, surely there’s something that can be done?

If worse comes to worse and you can’t stand his rules etc, go back to your mum’s. Put the house on the market.
Fuck who’s won , let him think what he wants

Your priority is looking after you.
Your a bright girl, with the world in front of you.
, go back to uni (meet someone your age) get yourself a good paying job
Not stuck at home, cleaning for a twat that pulls you to pieces for what you’ve done.
Nothing will be good enough ever

AlunWynsKnee · 27/02/2020 00:20

Forgiven the conversation?
He thinks you're a silly little girl who's raised a silly little point so he's magnanimously forgiven you troubling him with your silly little concerns.

TheSparklyPussycat · 27/02/2020 00:26

As mentioned by PP, the quicker you start divorce proceedings, the more likely it is that you will keep the house.

Dollyparton3 · 27/02/2020 01:13

My ex pulled this one out of the bag several times, he practically dared me to put the house on the market and "lose" all the equity we had on a divorce bill and throw away everything we built together. I stayed for 2 years after that whilst silently resenting him more and more every day knowing he had me over a barrel.

Don't follow his script OP. Surely you don't have negative equity just because you've done work? Unless you've remortgaged to pay for that work you'd get more than you paid two years ago.

Call his bluff. See a solicitor pronto then get a couple of estate agents in to value the property. Make sure he's not there when you do that otherwise he'll get his calculator out and try and start intimidating you with how much you'd "owe him" to leave. Again, you only owe him what gems out in which if he's convinced you to work PT and out your career on hold whilst you pay the bills and he pays the mortgage is very little. He doesn't have a stake in half of whatever the market uplift has been on your mortgaged house. A good mortgage advisor should be able to find a way to keep you in that home as well. My option was to extend out my mortgage term and switch jobs quickly.

Expect a few desperate attempts from him to put you back under his spell and start to enjoy spotting them. It's the norm with these types believe me

FlapAttack23 · 27/02/2020 01:42

Fuck that. run for the hills OP. That’s a sad and miserable future you’re embarking on there and I’d bet good money on that
Run run run run
Or just say no thanks and work full time and leave him do his part
Just no
Nope

Brandyb · 27/02/2020 02:40

Your OH is awful and disrespectful... Learn some self respect and leave in calculated head-straight fashion, as others have said. Then, maybe, read Self Compassion by Kristen Neff and decide whether you need to find a lovely counsellor to help you choose good souls to spend your life with, who support your ambitions and want you to live the best independent life you can

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/02/2020 06:12

He has forgiven the conversation

The controlling bastard. It says a lot about him - accepted your mother's money for a deposit, then rushed the wedding through so he had rights.

I'd sell the house. Fuck him. I know it's a lot of money but it's still just money. Enjoying your life is more important.