Anything where some simpering tart eats low fat yoghurt with an expression of ecstasy and disbelief on her face as she gasps, ‘Low fat?! But it’s SO creamy!’ No one should be that excited about yoghurt.
The Magnet kitchens one where the kitchen reminisces about how she remembers them bringing the baby home, her first steps as a toddler, the first teenage fight... WTF?! Why is the kitchen a sentient being? And given that the premise of kitchen adverts is ‘Rip your old one out and throw it in a skip’, is convincing your potential customers that your kitchen is actually a valued member of the family with memories and emotional capabilities really the way to go?!
While we’re on kitchens, those entitled fuckers in the Wickes advert can fuck off back to Australia too. ‘We’ve got good news - we’re coming to you guys for the holidays!’ Er, no you’re not - I haven’t fucking invited you, you presumptuous, entitled Antipodean bastards! AND you look like you need a good wash!
Anything for supermarkets where people ‘get all the gang around for Christmas/Easter/Thursday’ and ‘the gang’ has been oh-so-carefully selected to include several different generations, races and sexualities, to the point where they can barely all fit into one house. I’m all for increased diversity in advertising, but I’m pretty sure the idea was to do that across the industry, rather than shoehorning everyone into one house and one advert.
I don’t think it’s on anymore, but the Tesco one where Tom the ‘teenager’ makes ‘breakfast flatbreads’ for his parents as an apology for throwing a party the night before makes me want to vomit up everything I’ve ever eaten. What kind of teenager makes breakfast fucking flatbreads? Who of ANY age makes breakfast flatbreads? And why is he up at breakfast time instead of lying in bed groaning because he necked a bottle of vodka? Maybe because the supposedly wild party actually consisted of a handful of people politely chatting in the garden - the kind of thing you’d host when you’re pushing 40. Which is appropriate given that Tom is the oldest looking teenager since Fonzie from Happy Days. And don’t get me started on ‘Nana’s magic soup’. Lying old bitch.
The woman's voice on the Viking Cruise advert is so annoying
Oh god yes. I always like to imagine when she’s simpering on about the ‘engaging excursions’ and ‘cultural enrichment on board and at shore’ that one day she’ll snap and say ‘You’ll be glad you’re at sea, because the engaging excursions are actually so bloody boring, you’ll want to drown yourself’ - all still in that bizarre sing-song voice.