Losing my FUCKIN* SHI*!!

[exhauated101]

Long story short I’ve just bought a house, I’m single and my partner has left me for another woman doesn’t see our son and hasn’t for a very long time. I got pregnant on the pill didn’t know I was pregnant (smoked cannabis and got drunk at a party about 4 days before I found out) I now have a 20 month old toddler who definitely has ASD. he walk on his tiptoes, no interest in other kids, doesn’t point, doesn’t speak, doesn’t play with toys, doesn’t interact with other people even if they try, does stuff and then forgets (could wave etc now doesn’t) (could say Mama nana now doesn’t) I have been trying do incredibly hard y make stuff easier for him, I’ve talked to my HV as well as the GP but both dismissed me saying he’s too young and most toddlers do stuff like this. The thing is I know it’s cringe but sometimes a mother just knows, I’ve always known he’s a little bit different. Anyway so basically I’ve been up at night and every break time at work researching how to help a toddler how to help with getting him to talk etc. During the day I sing to him, show him flash cards which he loves, read him books and point to stuff, try to encourage him to play I put out two to three toys and play with them so he’s not overwhelmed but he’s not interested and walks back and fourth around the room all day, I take him on walks and narrate what’s happening I point to stuff eg look a duck etc I sing nursery rhymes with him I limit screen time I get a bag with items in it and name each one I make it fun and sometimes use a silly voice or pretend I’m really excited. I take him to soft play so he can interact with other kids we go to a Toddler gym class every Monday and Thursday and he’s just not making any progress, I have some money saved up and I’m wondering is it worth it to take him to a professional speech therapist? And I doing something wrong? I’m so stressed out with the new house and I still miss my husband and my mind keeps taking me back to when things were goood and east and I don’t want to miss him but I still do and I’m starting to lose my patience with my toddler I’m Absolutely exhausted and can’t seem to catch a break. Despite all of his walking and all of our outings he decides that 9 o clock is his bedtime which isn’t great and last night he went to sleep way after 12 and woke up at 6 screaming. He makes himself vomit and I’m really just at the end of my tether last night I put him in his high chair went upstairs and just cried out of pure exhaustion and frustration. If I knew motherhood would be so hard I would of never had a baby I know it sounds absolutely horrible but I just needed to vent. Any advice would be very appreciated.

He also had night terrors and I’m tired of waking up to screaming every single night every 20 minutes is there anything that stopes those?

A speech therapist who specializes in pre-schoolers might be helpful, also the website teachmetotalk.com

I am sorry but no advise. Just wanted to say hi, I think you are doing an amazing job. Give yourself a break and be kind to yourself.

Have you got any family or friends who could take him for a wee while. It sounds like you need a break. It also sounds like you are doing so well in trying all these things.
Regarding bed time can you follow a routine? I'm currently doing the Lucy Wolfe one and I could send you photos of the pages relating to your wee ones age.
Also before a professional speech therapist how about a private Dr appointment?

Thankyou for the advice and hello @lightyearsahead thankyou for the kind words

Well the night terrors sound scary but you do sound to be overthinking every move and putting too much pressure on yourself. At 20 months he's still very very young and you don't need to feel pressure for him to be constantly stimulated. Exhausting for you both.

For context, my now 6 year old at 20 months didn't walk, even on tiptoes, didn't really talk, definitely didn't call anyone by a name, he was still very much a baby rather than a toddler.

He's 6 now, completely at the same level as his peers, good vocabulary, confident and happy.

I now have a 20 month old toddler who definitely has ASD.

Please. He does not 'definitely' have anything.

Your child sounds in the normal range for their age. I really think I you need to talk to someone about your anxiety.

Hi OP, it might not feel it but you’re doing a great job. We were on the same path with our DS. The first thing we did was speak to the health visitor and she put the referrals in for speech therapy and put us on the waiting list for a paediatric assessment as he had some flags for ASD. The first speech therapy appointment came through after 6 months and the appointment for the paediatrician took a year to come through...so prepare yourself for a wait!

Does he go to nursery at all?

Too add, we didn't even consider interventions or speech therapy. Babies progress at different speeds

I do have some family and friends it’s usually my mum I go to do I need a break but she just gives him an iPad and lets him use it for hours on end which I’m not comfortable with as I only let him have the tv on and I let him have one or two episodes of paw patrol of hey duggee which aren’t too long. Regarding the anxiety I think you could be right I do have anxiety which has actually been ok in the past few months but it could be because I’ve shifted my whole focused to my son? Idk

Yes OP, please take your son to see a speech and language therapist. It also sounds like he needs to be assessed by a paediatrician. He may well have a developmental disorder, but this needs to be assessed and diagnosed by the appropriate professionals. If you're in the UK, your health visitor can make these referrals for you. Your GP could do the same, but I would suggest health visitor instead. If you are interested in the private route, private SLTs can be found on www.helpwithtalking.com. You can find someone in your area. SLTs work with a huge range of people - you're looking for someone who specialises in early years.

You sound like an incredibly loving and dedicated mum, but you also sound like you're running yourself ragged trying to do too much with your son. You have had such a dreadful time recently and you're clearly worried about your little boy. There are professionals who can support you with how best to go forward so please do make contact with them, either through NHS or private. If you have a Children's Centre near you, you may be able to meet a speech and language therapist there

I knew when my son was 6 months old,it’s not normal for babies to headbang,so I just knew ,it took years to get dh to agree to a doctors appointment,so my son wasn’t diagnosed till age 4/5.
But once we were in the system it happened quite quick ,( 20 years a go ,I know waiting times are longer now)
I did all the things you did too ,we had a sensory room at home for him ,I burnt myself out trying to be everything to him .
I think ,go back to your gp ,and get a referral for an autism assessment,that can assess by watching the children playing.
See if there is a children’s center near you ,the staff will be a life line to you .
Find a health visitor you can talk to ,see if she can get a place with a home start volunteer
Maybe find a nursery or childminder ,you should get some free sessions as you are a single mum.
Take all help offered ,get your dh on a regular routine of having your child to give you a break ,and check your getting maintenance from him ,and any benefits you may be entitled to

He doesn’t go to nursery as I work weird hours usually end up being a night shift, my younger sister stays at my house on the days she goes to college because it’s closer and that’s when I go to work usually he’s asleep apart from recently when he’s decided he no longer wants to go to sleep at a reasonable hour! I feel like he might be over tired and I could adjust the routine but I have no idea how because I haven’t changed anything and he’s just decided he’s changing his bed time

I'm a speech and language therapist btw

@Horehound that would be very helpful thankyou for your advice and kind words

First off, take a breath! I feel you might be blaming yourself by mentioning drinking and cannabis use before knowing you were pregnant. Don't! It doesn't help anyone and there are 100's of kids in the same situation whose mothers had text book pregnancies.

Second, get back onto your HV with your concerns - your son's 2 year check should be coming up soon so make a written list so you have it to hand.

Third, see your GP about the sleeping - my son didn't sleep and had night terrors too from a young age. He was prescribed melatonin around 2-3 years old and it was a game changer. He got some sleep and so did the rest of us.

Finally, if ASD is present, it might take a long while for someone to finally see what you see on a daily basis. So make the most of what you do get from him. Progress is very subjective and even NT children develop at different rates - I have 4, 2 with SEN and they have all done things in their own sweet time. It took me a long while to learn to go with their flow rather than what their siblings had done at that age.

That's not to say you shouldn't be concerned - one of the markers for ASD is losing previously learned skills like pointing and noise making. But find the positives your son DOES do and work on reinforcing them while introducing one key skill you want him to build on - in this case probably speech.

Your son might also be picking up on your anxieties and this is displaying with the night terrors etc.

I have three with autism, and the best advice I can give you is to do what makes your ds happy. He's only 20 months, and i understand you're worried, but I think it sounds as though you're doing too much.
Does he respond to his name? If not tell your gp you'd like to have his hearing tested. Break his symptoms down and ask for each thing to be looked at. It's quite normal for toddlers to stop saying words for a while, usually when they're about to learn a whole lot more.
Do you go to toddler groups/nursery? This would give you a better idea of what other children his age are doing, and give you a tiny break.

I looked up night terrors recently as I was wondering about my DD having them.
Do they always happen at a similar time? Eg do they happen approve 1 hour (or any regular time) into the sleep? If so, I read that you can try waking them up 20 minutes before the usual night terror time and keep them away for a short period before putting them back to sleep. I’m not sure how much it helps but I suppose you can try!

Regarding the ASD, the symptoms you are describing are similar to my friends child. If I remember rightly (it’s been a while) they had a convo with a specialist at 24 months who said DC was too young to diagnose at this time but on your next visit they will be old enough and they said prepare for autism to be the diagnosis. Her DC wasn’t talking at 2 (no words what so ever), walks on tiptoes, is very dependent on certain items (eg a specific cup/plate/toy and would know if it was a different one even if it was exactly the same, didn’t play with other children or interact with people really and had sensory issues around foods

And all the posters trying to blame her anxiety for her dc's symptoms, what a lot of crap

No advice,you sound like a brilliant mum who needs a break.can you have a night away for a complete recharge?try your GP again,both for you ds and you as you are exhausted and need some help.
Sorry I don't have more constructive advice but other posters will.

The reason I advised a hearing test, is because on my area it's the first hurdle before you can get speech therapist I evolvement.

Speech therapist involvement ...

There is a chance you are projecting your anxiety onto your child, yes. You seem to recognise a decrease in your own anxiety feelings now that you are seeing this disorder in your child. Whether or not you take him to a Speech and Language therapist, please take steps to address your anxiety and reclaim it back. That will be hugely positive for both you and your child.

Hi, you sound at the end of your tether, do you have family who could take little one and give you a bit of a break?
If it would make you feel better then see about pre -school speech therapy but don't decide your child definitely has ASD, they don't diagnose so early, chasing a diagnosis at this stage will just stress you out. There is such a huge range of normal, your child may have additional needs or may not at this stage you are doing everything you can to help them develop and at this is the same whether they are eventually diagnosed with something or not.
One of my children has ASD one of the does not. One had delayed speech anddelayed walking the other flew ahead of every milestone, walking at 10 months, toilet trained at 18 months, speaking in full sentences.
It would probably surprise you to know my milestone beater just seemed to stop making progress aged 6 and was diagnosed at 8, my slower to start toddler is flying high at school, excellent social skills and a gifted and talented academically.
If you had asked me to make a prediction I would never have thought it would turn out how it did.
I know that anecdote doesn't help you if you feel you just know there is an issue but you really can't tell at this age and toddlers with as yet undiagnosed ASD need the same things as toddlers that don't- love, nurture and a secure attachment to their primary caregiver. You are giving your child that - you are doing a great job.