Losing my FUCKIN* SHI*!!

[exhauated101]

Long story short I’ve just bought a house, I’m single and my partner has left me for another woman doesn’t see our son and hasn’t for a very long time. I got pregnant on the pill didn’t know I was pregnant (smoked cannabis and got drunk at a party about 4 days before I found out) I now have a 20 month old toddler who definitely has ASD. he walk on his tiptoes, no interest in other kids, doesn’t point, doesn’t speak, doesn’t play with toys, doesn’t interact with other people even if they try, does stuff and then forgets (could wave etc now doesn’t) (could say Mama nana now doesn’t) I have been trying do incredibly hard y make stuff easier for him, I’ve talked to my HV as well as the GP but both dismissed me saying he’s too young and most toddlers do stuff like this. The thing is I know it’s cringe but sometimes a mother just knows, I’ve always known he’s a little bit different. Anyway so basically I’ve been up at night and every break time at work researching how to help a toddler how to help with getting him to talk etc. During the day I sing to him, show him flash cards which he loves, read him books and point to stuff, try to encourage him to play I put out two to three toys and play with them so he’s not overwhelmed but he’s not interested and walks back and fourth around the room all day, I take him on walks and narrate what’s happening I point to stuff eg look a duck etc I sing nursery rhymes with him I limit screen time I get a bag with items in it and name each one I make it fun and sometimes use a silly voice or pretend I’m really excited. I take him to soft play so he can interact with other kids we go to a Toddler gym class every Monday and Thursday and he’s just not making any progress, I have some money saved up and I’m wondering is it worth it to take him to a professional speech therapist? And I doing something wrong? I’m so stressed out with the new house and I still miss my husband and my mind keeps taking me back to when things were goood and east and I don’t want to miss him but I still do and I’m starting to lose my patience with my toddler I’m Absolutely exhausted and can’t seem to catch a break. Despite all of his walking and all of our outings he decides that 9 o clock is his bedtime which isn’t great and last night he went to sleep way after 12 and woke up at 6 screaming. He makes himself vomit and I’m really just at the end of my tether last night I put him in his high chair went upstairs and just cried out of pure exhaustion and frustration. If I knew motherhood would be so hard I would of never had a baby I know it sounds absolutely horrible but I just needed to vent. Any advice would be very appreciated.

@exhauated101, you might be right or not, Amaze is a great charity to support parents, they will help with diagnosis and practicalities, also runs support groups in many locations, hopefully something near you, and they can put you in contact with other parents that are further down the same road. They have help me greatly, hopefully they will help you too.

I think it's worth going to see your gp or health visitor and see what they think. My son didn't talk at all at that age though, wouldn't even attempt. He was always miserable, always screaming, would resist affection and never sat still for a second. I was convinced he had something wrong. I asked about speech therapy but nhs said he's too young to worry so about age 2 1/2 I paid a private speech therapist to assess him. Think it was about £100 to assess and write report. She said he had significant speech delay, his speech was both delayed and disordered, would only interact and play games on his terms but he had good understanding. He eventually got speech therapy around 3 1/2 but only 6 sessions and also help at preschool as he wouldn't interact with other children. Anyway he's 7 now and seriously does not stop talking, he's got a lot of friends and teacher says he working far beyond his age level in all areas. He can still be moody and difficult, very set in his ways and I do think sometimes he's got something going on but not enough for anyone that's seen him to worry. I think your son is still quite young to be able to say for sure but he should have a 2 year check coming up where the hv will assess him. When my son had his 2 year check he kicked off hugely, wouldn't leave the waiting play area and got so hysterical the lady came to him rather than make him go in her room. Some kids are just difficult and strong willed. A colleague of mine had a son the same age, she had no concerns but when they did his check they immediately mentioned autism and started referrals, they were right, he is 7 now, cannot talk and is statemented with 1 to 1 help at school so the professionals will hopefully recognise it if it's a significant problem. Also should have speech and language drop in sessions at your local children's centre where they'll be able to assess him and give you advice.

No advice, OP, just wanted to send warm wishes. .

It can be so very hard. I hope you find some help and support, soon.

pretend to be calm

Really, when you speak to professionals, pretend this isn't scaring you but you are 'concerned' and insisting on a referral. In a calm way.

Of course you are worried. Of course there will be people pretending that the worry triggered the behavior. Ignore it. You know what you feel.

This could still turn out to be nothing. My son spent most of the time lying on the carpet looking at the sky when we was 2/3. Had words, lost them. Wouldn't look at other children. I was in bits. It was suggested my worry was the reason for his development stalling but it bloody wasn't. He is now 9 and 'dreamy' but fantastic and fine. He still can't walk in a straight line and so on but there are so many different ways to be '9' and 'normal'. That is what I'd like you to remember. People have rigid ideas about how a toddler should behave but actually, many of them are eccentric! I wish I hadn't cared so much about what other people's children were doing. At the same time, I'm glad I insisted on referrals and you should not let your HV put you off. She can advise your GP to make a referral to the speech therapist and they can refer on to a paediatrician.

I knew when my son was 6 months old,it’s not normal for babies to headbang,

While I sympathise it is perfectly normal for breastfed babies to head bang when hungry, and for all babies that age to do this to calm or soothe themselves. It’s perfectly normal and not necessarily an early sign of ASD.

You sound like a wonderful loving and devoted mum. You are coping, and caring for your little boy, in very difficult circumstances. I can’t offer any practical advice, but please don’t despair.

First off, you are clearly doing an amazing job, well done!

In our area, they do a 27 month check because it's really hard before that to really compare - if you looked at a group of 20 month olds, every parent could be worrying about something: x has better speech, y is walking better....

However, he is walking, just not perfectly but fine for his age, and loves books and flashcards - which is great, there's no harm in mainly doing the things he likes and taking the pressure off. How about making games with the cards, propping and hiding them round the room so he finds them, for example. Get more cards with pictures on, pairs or ones with Paw Patrol on. Instead of a therapist, I'd maybe swap the toddler gym for a sing and sign type of class, to see if it helps with communication. Otherwise I'd just keep going and try to stop worrying for 6 months - put a date in the diary now for a week you will call the HV if certain things are still an issue, then park it until then.

However, before getting any other help, I would try and work on the sleep, as some of it could just be exhaustion. My DD (8) still switches her brain off when she's tired and overwhelmed - it did cause concerns when she was littler, but by 4/5 she could articulate she was tired, 20months is too little to do that.

You sound like you are doing great, but you need a break. Have you tried basic ASL (sign language)? It usually works really well with small children, you could also use it for when you are singing.

@GoodDogBellaBoo it sounds like OP is British, so would use BSL or Makaton.

Op you're such a loving an attentive mother. And you're having a hard time. All toddlers are hard work and you're having a particularly difficult time. Your son is lucky to have you. No practical advice just wanted to acknowledge that you seem to be doing a super job in hard circumstances

I’d say earring test also, my son spoke but it wasn’t correct like
Mummy was ummmy
Dad was gag
Gramma was aggar

You say you have a little savings, so instead of waiting yonks on nhs list
I’d see a private paediatric doctor
I take home video from your phone, so she can see normal at home behaviour. Also video at soft play and any interaction with any other kids any siblings kids?
This way instead if the doubt anxiety being there for mths, you may get decision you want or at least put your mind at rest
Which is vital

Be persistent with doctors, and schools in due course. I agree get hearing tested too. Reiterate that skills he might have had seem to have slipped.

I just knew my son wasn't neurotypical but it took a while (years in fact) for anyone to believe me, you get told they grow out if it... That they can do X so it doesn't matter if they can't do y... he was good at mimicking, but weirdly - would talk like a little professor (not the same I know) but I knew it was because he had no idea how to interact socially and was doing his best but it was just odd for years. Funnily enough the psychiatrist at CAHMS picked it up within five minutes. I wish I'd not let myself be fobbed off.

Don't compare to other children honestly some are super precocious with full sentences and tea parties but my other neurotypical son couldn't be arsed with that he liked being in his own with his Lego and didn't speak much!

Every chance he might pick up but also do trust your judgement. You sound like your doing your best don't be hard on yourself

I have tried sign language when he was smaller and he could sign no up until 1, I still try it sometimes and he just laughs when I do it, he can say no and will tell me “no no no no” if he really disagrees with me lol, regarding his routine it looks like this

6-7 wake up
7-730 breakfast
Then we get ready for the day
8 till 9 playtime
9-10 we go for a outing gym group, toddler sense, soft play or if the weather is nice to the park. He also has a fruit or yoghurt
12-12.30 home and for a nap
12-2 wake up
2 food time
2:30 we play
Then he has tea and after tea I give him a warm bath and bed time usually happens at 7:45 always happened before 8

I do give him a warm bath everyday because he tends to put everything into his hair if I put some moisturiser on his face body etc he’ll take it off and put it into his hair lol same with food

I have a child with ASD and to be honest I wish I’d listened to my own instincts as at 24 months I knew.

My advice to you is to prioritise things. Sleep, eating, anxiety, happiness, talking. Both you and your toddler, in that order.

I’m not sure a speech and language therapist would massively help as often in my experience they don’t know enough about ASD. Although they will introduce you to PECs which a lot of people swear by. It’s great for the early stages. It is basically having a picture of a biscuit and getting the child to point to it if they want a biscuit.

If your child doesn’t have ASD, sorting out sleep, eating, stress and speech will help anyway so it’s the same advice I’d give even if not ASD.

SLEEP
Be kind to yourself and your child. I would ignore ‘hard’ solutions at this age, and just do what is best to immediately reduce the anxiety. If your child needs you, let them get into bed with you. If they wake in the night, do whatever it takes to calm them. My son used to scream and get so upset that I gave him a biscuit and watched tv with him until he calmed down. Even at 3am. Eventually realized I could do this in bed with an iPad. It’s not going to make him wake more to get a reward. If your child is vomiting they are on another level of anxiety. Sort the anxiety and don’t be worried about spoiling them. Do spoil them, with security. My child sleeps well on his own now. Work with your child on this. Give them what they need.

EATING
Don’t stress about this but do make sure you and your child are eating and drinking enough. Try and make sure diet is healthy, but again, don’t force this. Not drinking enough for example could be causing constipation which could mean your child is uncomfortable at night and wakes up.

ANXIETY
Make this a priority to reduce. In everything. Again for you and your child. Don’t be walking around 24/7 with flashcards and introducing toys they don’t play with. Be happy and calm yourself. Give your child plenty of time to just line up toys or whatever. It is only in this calm environment that you can even begin to start to help him. Back off for a while. Make both your environments really secure. Go out every day in the fresh air.

SPEECH
Only once you’ve got sleep, eating and a calm environment. Then you can work with your child to help. I know, I’ve done this. Most important to start encouraging speech:
Backing off - I can’t tell you how important it is with an ASD child to give them space and time. You need to observe and notice more than you act. Do not crowd him.

• Reduce your language. To one word and only nouns for now e.g. Blue, Drink, Cookie
• buy the Hanen book from the website. Excellent resource.
• say one word about what your child is doing e.g. if they are lining up trains, sit beside them, and say ‘train’ a few times in an enthusiastic way. Look at them a bit. Then just carry on being interested in what they are doing. Be quiet. Listen or notice. Any attempt at interaction from your son, respond. Just do this a few times a day.
• enjoy him! Have fun! Speech starts with plenty of non verbal interaction.

I did this with my DS, then gradually built up. He went from non verbal to speaking because of it n

Totally agree with the advice above.

You might find "Nurturing Neurodiversity" on YouTube helpful. She has a lot of videos about this "limbo" period when you don't have a formal Dx but your child is developing differently: how to cope and what you can do.

She also has a really supportive Facebook page with the same name. If you're on Facebook it would be worth joining, as there will be lots of parents there in a similar position to you (it has a very high proportion of parents still waiting for diagnosis, with toddlers rather than older children).

He’s 20 months old!!! Nothing he’s doing sounds particularly worrying from you OP.

Your daily routine sounds absolutely amazing...please don't be so hard on yourself as you seem like you're doing a fab job raising your lovely boy on your own. And sometimes it's ok to let some of the routine slide too...

You should see a different GP. My DC had some of your DS's symptoms at 19 months and our GP made a referral. I asked for HV to come out too and she agreed she would also have made a referral. Saw a paediatric nurse in first appointment who also agreed DC should be evaluated by specialist....and my DC had less and milder symptoms. So you are not overreacting. My red book from HV says pointing should be happening by around 18 months at latest. If your child basically has no way to communicate at 20 months, they should be checked out. Insist on a referral.

DS1 didn't sound dissimilar to your little one.

I read all the stuff, and I'd done all the signing, all the outings, all the this, that and the other, but none of it worked for him.

He was night feeding at 18 months, he was still often needing a midnight snack at 3 - he just got hungry. We co-slept and then he was in the same room as us, in a toddler bed right next to me because he couldn't handle being alone, and I needed sleep. He couldn't feed himself, he didn't utter a word until he was 2, he was very self-contained - never did art, didn't remember anyone's names (still doesn't), just kinda pottered through life, accepting whatever I did for him.

He's 9 now, never shuts up (literally), at 3.5 some switch flipped and he just started sleeping through 7:30 till 6 (never lies in). He's dyspraxic - but that's just something to work around, and such a lovely kid, so easy, in contrast to the first 2-3 years (and his little brother, who's a more standard issue child).

My one thing is that we've never limited screen time - I read all the stuff, and decided that there's a world of difference between a child, slumped watching TV, and a child wandering around, standing on their head on the sofa, choosing which youtube videos to watch next. (plus we moved a lot, so they never had many other toys).

Your mileage may vary, but my unrestricted screen time kids are absolutely great. They have fantastic vocabularies, and a breadth of interests - DS1 learned his ABCs from youtube (I can still sing the songs), and recently got a prize for being able to name all the 2d shapes up to 20 sides - again from a youtube song. They use it to look up things they're interested in, still have playdates, do sports, cook, do crafts etc. They're able to put down their devices for meals etc. because they're not ever worried that they are wasting precious ipad minutes.

OP what's coming through more than anything is how exhausted you are. Could you talk to your Mum and sister and see if you could get 24-48 hours respite care while they looked after him and you slept/unwound/saw a mate/got some headspace?

When we're run ragged, overtired and anxious we perceive things are more catastrophic and we react out of fear and worry. You've had some compassionate and knowledgeable advice here. A proper restwil;l see you in a better place to be able to act on it.

Heaps of sympathy for you, OP. Parenting is hard, and single parenting exponentially so. Be as kind to yourself as you are being to your son.

One of the most useful sayings is:
'if you've met one child with ASD, you've met one child with ASD'
ie it is SUCH a wide spectrum and you only need 'enough' red flags across the triad to get a dx, not all the same 'red flags' as it were

so, my ds was incredibly precocious with language (a 'little professor' type and retained it) and very very clingy.
My dd was also precocious with language (but lost it) but hates being held. Both Autistic.
What is worth remembering though is that some kids with ASD can benefit from more rest between input as the world can be exhausting for them. So more opportunities for 'downtime', more frequent snacks, more rest - you will soon see if that is helping them or not.

Remember though, YOU are the expert on your child, no one else will know him as well as you.

Nutmeg in milk helps night terrors

Hi everyone, he usually sleeps in his cot but if he wakes up I’ll take him into bed with me. The fact that I could be making things worse due to my anxiety feels horrible I’m not one to throw a pity party though so I’ve signed up for over the phone counselling and my gp said if it doesn’t help he’ll give me something to help with the anxiety. I had a warm relaxing bath today whilst he slept I’ve contacted the speech therapists and just waiting on them to get back to me now. Thankyou all so much for your lovely kind words and helpful advice you have all made me feel brilliant today!

Well done!
You are looking after yourself so you are in the strongest position to look after him.
And if it does turn out that he needs some extra assessment / help from professionals later they cant throw the 'mother's anxiety' card at you which might save time down the road.

He's lucky to have such a thoughtful and caring Mum :)

I have a 17 year old with ASD. If I wish I’d done one thing earlier it would be to start Intensive Interaction with him at a younger age. It’s a type of play where you join the child rather than leading the activity yourself. Probably best to Google it - there’s also an excellent parent support group on FB. My son was very much ‘in his own world ‘ as a toddler, but Intensive Interaction made him much more sociable and engaged.