Losing my FUCKIN* SHI*!!

[exhauated101]

Long story short I’ve just bought a house, I’m single and my partner has left me for another woman doesn’t see our son and hasn’t for a very long time. I got pregnant on the pill didn’t know I was pregnant (smoked cannabis and got drunk at a party about 4 days before I found out) I now have a 20 month old toddler who definitely has ASD. he walk on his tiptoes, no interest in other kids, doesn’t point, doesn’t speak, doesn’t play with toys, doesn’t interact with other people even if they try, does stuff and then forgets (could wave etc now doesn’t) (could say Mama nana now doesn’t) I have been trying do incredibly hard y make stuff easier for him, I’ve talked to my HV as well as the GP but both dismissed me saying he’s too young and most toddlers do stuff like this. The thing is I know it’s cringe but sometimes a mother just knows, I’ve always known he’s a little bit different. Anyway so basically I’ve been up at night and every break time at work researching how to help a toddler how to help with getting him to talk etc. During the day I sing to him, show him flash cards which he loves, read him books and point to stuff, try to encourage him to play I put out two to three toys and play with them so he’s not overwhelmed but he’s not interested and walks back and fourth around the room all day, I take him on walks and narrate what’s happening I point to stuff eg look a duck etc I sing nursery rhymes with him I limit screen time I get a bag with items in it and name each one I make it fun and sometimes use a silly voice or pretend I’m really excited. I take him to soft play so he can interact with other kids we go to a Toddler gym class every Monday and Thursday and he’s just not making any progress, I have some money saved up and I’m wondering is it worth it to take him to a professional speech therapist? And I doing something wrong? I’m so stressed out with the new house and I still miss my husband and my mind keeps taking me back to when things were goood and east and I don’t want to miss him but I still do and I’m starting to lose my patience with my toddler I’m Absolutely exhausted and can’t seem to catch a break. Despite all of his walking and all of our outings he decides that 9 o clock is his bedtime which isn’t great and last night he went to sleep way after 12 and woke up at 6 screaming. He makes himself vomit and I’m really just at the end of my tether last night I put him in his high chair went upstairs and just cried out of pure exhaustion and frustration. If I knew motherhood would be so hard I would of never had a baby I know it sounds absolutely horrible but I just needed to vent. Any advice would be very appreciated.

Hi, OP, I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed - it sounds like you're having a really tough time!
Two of my DC are autistic, and I think the main advice I have about that is to pay attention to their communication - autistic children are often communicating, just in different ways.
On a more practical note, night terrors are often related to temperature. We found that our DS had them much more when the weather was warm and he still prefers a really cold room to sleep in. Have you tried giving him lighter PJ's or a thinner duvet? I laughed when a friend suggested this, but it worked.

self-referral

Used to live in Bedfordshire, and you can self-refer for speech therapy. See link above. You don’t have to have a gp or teachers recommendation. Not sure how the system works in your area, but it may be worth looking it up to see if you can self refer in your area.

Also wanted to say that it sounds like you’re a really good mum.

Have a and some . Make an appointment to see your GP, take a list of things your child does and doesn't do, and particularly mention this does stuff and then forgets (could wave etc now doesn’t) (could say Mama nana now doesn’t

Any regression like that, where a child could do something then can no longer do it - different to could but then no longer chooses to do it - should be picked up by your GP and you should be referred to a team under a Paediatrician for assessment of your son's abilities and needs. They can determine if it's just forgetting or if it's regression alongside a host of other stuff.

Please don't beat yourself up about the weed and drink in pregnancy, many women didn't do either or both and have children with the same type of presentation as your son.

IF and it's a big if, your son has autism, he may like some periods of calm and rest in his day, overstimulation isn't always great for autistic kids can leads to overwhelm and meltdown.

This booklet may be useful, it outlines sensory behaviour.
www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?

And all the posters trying to blame her anxiety for her dc's symptoms, what a lot of crap

It's not crap. The anxiety is seeping from the OP. Most of the 'symptoms' are normal toddler behaviour, backed up by the HV and the GP.

The child may be autistic but you don't just get to decide that.

Can't really advice on the rest, but with night terrors the trick is to wake them up properly, otherwise they just seem to go back into it over and over. When kids are in the middle of a night terror they can seem awake when they're not.

Take him out of him room and somewhere with a light on. Gently wake him up, and once awake do something with him that'll calm him down. Wait a little while, avd then hopefully he'll go back to sleep.

Could you possibly be over stimulating him and showing panic and anxiety? I'd just let him take it at his own pace and accept him for who he is right now. I know someone who has a 4.5 year old who still can't talk in full sentences and has been having speech therapy since two. He's ONLY just out of nappies. Not on the spectrum. She's so patient and gentle with him and he's so happy. All your son needs is to be happy and accepted for who he is and his abilities right now. He doesn't know he's any different to anyone else. He will make progress at his own rate.

My 3.5 year old is behind in all his targets, he doesn't know the alphabet, can't read anything accept recognising numbers. The world is a playground to him. He will get there.

My eldest was a whizz kid, like incredibly, overwhelmingly advanced and this isn't as easy to deal with as you'd think. Nursery, Reception, Y1 and 2 was boring and simple and "baby stuff" to him. It came with a lot of frustration on his part, with a mind constantly in need of stimulating and wanting to learn way more advanced maths and science and phonics and spellings. He didn't make friends easily at all, he was just so frustrated and fed up.

He's in Y3 now and finally is loving the mix of different subjects, he's in the top set and there's always work to "move on" to once he's finished and other kids have caught up to where he is too.

There's something called ABA therapy which you may want to look at. It's not for everyone but it's doing what you're doing in a more structured way which is full-on communication and help to bring the child into focus on what is going on around them.

You can look for an ABA tutor online and find someone to do a few hours a week with your DC. Yes it costs money but you would get a break. I hope it may be something you can afford.

Some nannies have ABA therapy training and may be able to offer this in conjunction with a bit of childcare which may be the best combination.

You may also need some occupational therapy for tiptoe walking and other muscle strengthening.

GP and other health professionals will be very reluctant to diagnose as NHS is out of cash and doesn't want to have to spend any more money/already in the red.

They will keep fobbing you off. ABA isn't given on the NHS anyway.

They will say formal asssessment can't be done until the age of 3 at least.

You could always go privately and get the assessment and then go to the GP and see what happens then. You may then get some speech and language therapy and occupational therapy through the NHS. You should get the speech therapy anyway as DC is under 5 - but you won't get the specific autism relate help that ABA gives you.

Indeed.co.uk I have often seen ABA therapists being searched for there.

If you can afford it I would definitely do the speech therapist thing- why not? That way you'll feel you're doing all you can.

Make time to relax/take care of yourself as much as you can, though. You will be more able to take good consistent care of him long term then, rather than burning out. Get all the support you can for your mental health- GP if you feel you need it, perhaps a carers' support group etc.

Best wishes xxx

Firstly, I think you are doing your best for him so please stop beating yourself up about that.

Secondly, it's unlikely that you contributed to your sons problems with your lifestyle before you knew you were pregnant.

I wouldn't worry about the late bedtime. He isn't going to school and doesn't desperately need to be in a sleep routine right now in my opinion. I do appreciate it can be frustrating for you but I would just go with it for now.

I co slept with my son until he was about 3 because he was very clingy. It wasn't ideal but it was the only way I could get enough sleep. I would maybe consider something like that if you aren't doing so already.

I also think you need to stop beating yourself up about missing your ex-partner or feeling bad about that. It's totally normal to grieve in that situation.

Just be kind to yourself.

I don't have much advice, I'm sorry for that, but you are doing an absolutely wonderful job, you sound like a brillaint, kind and caring mother, please don't beat yourself up. Do you have any family support, giving yourself even an hour of self care could do you the world of good. Your important too x

Oh bless, you - I thought this was going to be a whinging self-pity story from the start...but you are clearly working your socks off and worried to death. I would be too. Don't forget your own 'oxygen mask' though!

You could have been describing my youngest, OP, and she doesn't have ASD! She didn't interact with anyone, didn't make eye contact, couldn't sing a nursery ryhme or speak a sentence by the age of three. It turned out she had glue ear! I had a supportive HV who got her into speech therapy and she had a lot of help until it cleared up on its own. I was tearing my hair out and I had a husband to vent to, but don't panic! I assume money is tight if you are on your own so save your money for now. He might really surprise you by taking a leap forward in his development in six months but it really is too early to tell if there is any kind of problem yet. I know it is hard, but try to relax, perhaps talk to your GP about your anxiety, express your concerns about him so it is on record, keep talking to your HV and keep interacting with him. You WILL get help and support from professionals if there is cause for concern but as others have pointed out, he is so young still.

ABA therapy is horrific btw. The child isn't even diagnosed

I've been here! My DD was 2 when I took her to the Speech & Language Drop In at the local children's centre. They then referred her on. Wasn't private. Took 2 years in total but worth it for the diagnosis and the guidance that comes alongside it.
Obviously I'm not trying to diagnose a child I haven't met, however what you describe sounds like classic ASD signs in toddlers

Yes to private SALT.

And all the posters trying to blame her anxiety for her dc's symptoms, what a lot of crap

Oh you're so wrong if you think a parents anxiety doesn't affect a child and their behaviour deeply.

Like with my youngest. "All kids can toilet train by 2 with the right amount of effort put in right?" (so I kept reading on here) So I was like a blue arsed fly buzzing around my poor little boy..... "DS? Do you need a wee?... do you? Do you need something? DS? do you need the toilet now? DS you MUST need to go, come on lets go" every 5 minutes, reward charts, chocolate buttons, putting him on the toilet constantly, making a HUGE fuss about it, especially coming up to 3... because he was in pull ups at Nursery and everyone stared at me when he bent over and a bit of it stuck out.... (teachers were absolutely fine about it). We were both in tears at one point. I gave up in the end and he trained himself, but it took until he was 3.3 and he was SO proud of himself. So much upset and stress all over nothing, and he wears his little undies happily now like all the other Nursery boys.

I convinced myself my kid had ASD at one point. This was not the case. I also had an HV tell me he probably had an eye defect. I was preparing like crazy for sight issues. She was wrong and eyes are fine. None of us can tell you on here whether your kid is neurotypical or not, but it sounds like you have been trying to be super mummy and getting very anxious, so your kid might be picking up on that. Some people enjoy when the kids are toddlers, but I was not one of them, I found it really hard.
You have flagged your concerns to medical professionals and you are doing your absolute best for your kid.
I think that everything will get better in a few months.
My friend’s little brother didn’t walk properly till he was two, he did the bum shuffling. He’s a helicopter pilot now.
I had a friend in high school who walked on his toes, otherwise fine, and now his son has had an operation to correct this as it was a physical genetic thing.
Try not to overthink lots of things or you will put two and two together and get half a dozen! Step away from Dr. Google. Try and find something to enjoy in each day you spend with your child. I feel a bit sad about not enjoying my cute toddler at the time, because they move onto the next stage pretty fast, although it really doesn’t seem like it at the time.
Night terrors do pass.
It is a bit easier if you are in contact with the father because they can tell you what’s “normal for their family”.
It can’t be helped if you are on your own, but you must try to get some time to relax and unwind now and again. Ask for help.
Lastly, it comes across that you think that your kid might not be neurotypical because you partied before you knew you were pregnant.
It isn’t known what causes asd. There are people with asd whose mothers were teetotal, taking all the vitamins and so on. Conversely, there are kids whose parents were taking all sorts during pregnancy who are totally average.
When I was young, I knew a pregnant woman who was smoking heavily “to keep the baby’s weight down” and it’s only in the last few decades that women have been advised to stop drinking alcohol. They used to advise them to drink Guinness and stout, for the iron!
Stop looking for ways to beat yourself up.
Can you see the GP again and discuss the anxiety you are feeling?

You’ve had lots of practical advice already so I just wanted to say I was in a very similar place to where you are now almost 2 decades ago, and while it has been difficult , my son and I got through it. ‘Developmental delay’ doesn’t mean never developing at all, it just means things are a bit topsy turvy and some skills take more work than others.

The best piece of advice I can give is to keep a record of every doctor or HCP you see, ask them to write their name and contact details down for you. Get your own paper copy of any assessments or reports and make photocopies for anyone you need to give them too (or better yet, let them make copies while you wait and save yourself the cost). Keep it all in a file, you never know when you might want to contact one of those HCP again further down the line. Apply for everything you can and take what ever help you are offered.

You are a concerned and devoted mother, you are going to do just fine!

My son still struggles with some stuff but he is at university and seems just like any other 19 year old from the outside (no one would ever think he didn’t even walk until he was almost 2 and spent the whole of secondary year 8 at home)!

Ime the night terrors were experienced by both of mine when they were overtired.

You both sound as though you are tired and exhausted, and just need to maybe relax where and when you can.

Sometimes they get so wired that they can't sleep, they miss the sweet spot for drifting off and then just get hyper stimulated - that's when the night terrors can kick in.

Try some super relaxed very early bedtimes for a few days and see if you can get him caught up on the sleep. (Any way you can)

Be kind to yourself.

Hi Op, the best advice has already been given. 20 months is young so you may have a battle convincing health professionals but your GP needs to refer you to a paediatrician in the first place
There should be early years support services in your area, get your GP to tell you where he is referring you to and ask about early years ( they will often have asd specialists).
Join an fb forum for SEND in your area to get top tips from parents who know what your area has in place as far as services are concerned.
Hang on in there, take any help that is offered, don't feel bad for feeling stressed. Find supportive places / forums / people who understand. Things seem less desperate when you realise you are not alone.
All the best.

GP and other health professionals will be very reluctant to diagnose as NHS is out of cash and doesn't want to have to spend any more money/already in the red
I'm not so sure that this is true. The diagnosis may not be the problem (but there may be a waiting time as CAMHs is pretty much decimated) but the issue then comes from education and how it meets your child's needs.

i would try a speech therapist, yes. They are usually pretty helpful and they will know whats "normal" or not.

As for night terrors - ds has them and we have noticed that he has them when he is over tired.

Your son should not get to choose his bedtime no matter how hard it is for you to put him to bed earlier. You really need to try and get him into a routine, he's likely absolutely exhausted.

Dont blame yourself for any of this because its nothing you've done, but do try and do everything can to improve it for his sake but your own as well!

What’s his bedtime routine like? Sleep hygiene is very important when it comes to our kids, I’ve been there my eldest only sleeps 5 hours a night! Try high melatonin foods before bedtime like bananas, also ask for a sleep therapist if they are available in your area. It does sound like autism, so keep pushing for it. I got my eldest diagonised at 3 so they can do early diagonsises. Hold in there, it does get easier the older they get.

oh and if theres any way you can send him to nursery at all i would. Not only to socialise with other children, but the staff will recognise any issues and this can very much help when wanting referrals to SALT etc

As a daughter of, niece of, step-sister to, wife of and mother of autistic people, please beware of ABA. It is essential that we allow our neurally diverse loved ones to be themselves and not train them to 'fit in'. Just because we don't experience their autism as much after this therapy is applied it doesn't mean they are not struggling underneath it all.