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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think It odd that I'm asked to bring my own food when invited to dinner with MIL?

112 replies

nocciola · 23/02/2020 16:40

Just to be clear, I dont mind per se, it's just seems odd!
My MIL invited us to christmas dinner at their new house, then about a week before she asked if I would bring something for me for the meal- I'm a vegetarian, always have been and she's known me for 20 years. I said, sure thing and brought my dinner with me- I figured she was stressed with new house and Christmas dinner prep- so no biggie. The thing is she invited us again this weekend and again asked if I would bring something for me, thought nothing much of it until now really. Looking back it seems a bit off. I got there and there were only enough plates for 4 not 5 of us and then same thing when it came to dessert. This hasn't happened before and later she made a comment about needing to see my OH and DS but obviously not me. All in all I'm feeling a bit crap now, especially as we have been supporting them right through the move....AIBU? Advice please?

OP posts:

PrincessHoneysuckle · 23/02/2020 18:50

If mil did that to me dh would be like "mam wheres Honeysuckles plate? " she needs putting on the spot by HIM.

OhCaptain · 23/02/2020 18:52

Hmm. I agree with PP. you’ve moved near so she has more access to her son and grandson and doesn’t have to put up with you as much, is my guess.

Rude and unpleasant.

JennyWoodentop · 23/02/2020 18:55

Doubleyouexwhyandzed - good point, you may be right & if so that is horrible & needs addressing by OP's husband & she absolutely would not be welcome in my house until this is resolved

handbagsatdawn33 · 23/02/2020 18:57

@Frenchw1fe FYI, real Parmesan is not vegetarian - it's made with rennet.

RaininSummer · 23/02/2020 19:02

It's extremely easy these days to buy something veggie to accompany the other veg etc. Either MIL could buy ir IP csn take as she has previously but something else is going on with MIL and she's expressed it in a very rude way. You need to get to the bottom of it really with an honest conversation.

TrickyD · 23/02/2020 19:05

DS, his small DC and his DP have been staying with us this weekend.
DP is a vegan and of course she was given vegan food.

DH who enjoys cooking and does most of it, took the trouble to make sure all her meals were as delicious as those of the rest of the family.

It helps that she is a delight and we love her, but even if we were less keen we would have ensured she had suitable food, and as for not providing a plate - quite insane!

IdleLiz · 23/02/2020 19:10

This hasn't happened before and later she made a comment about needing to see my OH and DS but obviously not me.

Cheeky cow. What did your DH say to that?

I'd stay out of the way then, she doesn't want you there.

Frenchw1fe · 23/02/2020 19:13

@handbagsatdawn33 well I never realised. Luckily I've only served it to my veggie friends once. I wonder if they know this.

Bluetrews25 · 23/02/2020 19:13

They have moved closer? So that you can provide care if needed down the line?
Just shot herself in the foot, there.

blueangel1 · 23/02/2020 19:18

My ex MIL did this all the time I knew her. I said on a number of occasions that I was happy to just have the veg, then she wouldn't cook enough to go round. After a while, I used to rake my own food. It was passive aggressive in the extreme, she wouldn't even get me anything to drink.

CointreauVersial · 23/02/2020 19:19

It's a generational thing, possibly. Vegetarians were a bit less common "back in the day"; some people don't know what to cook for a vegetarian, or don't want to worry about preparing an extra dish, fret about what sort of thing you'd eat etc etc etc. My MIL would definitely stress about it, and would probably be happier if a vegetarian brought their own food as she'd know they were catered for.

RedRed9 · 23/02/2020 19:20

What does your DH say?

Merename · 23/02/2020 19:23

My MIL used to and sometimes still does this to me and DH- it’s her passive aggressive way of saying don’t be such weirdos for being veggie. She randomly will ask nonchalantly ‘fancy a wee bit of bacon’? Even tho we’ve been veggie for years! DH just calls her out loudly ‘Mam means stop being a weirdo, merename’, and she gets all flustered. It used to bother me but now actually I feel a bit sorry for her, she’s old and intimidated by all these new fangled ideas, and wouldn’t know what to cook.

viccat · 23/02/2020 19:24

Does she have a generally critical attitude towards a vegetarian diet? Judging by the many threads on here about catering for veggies and vegans, there's a lot of it around...

Asking you to contribute a vegetarian main course you like is maybe ok-ish when it's family but not even having a plate set for you is just bizarre. And obviously vegetarian food is not something only vegetarians can eat - anyone should be able to prepare some side dishes and a dessert suitable for everyone, veggie or not.

AutumnCrow · 23/02/2020 19:38

Any chance of hearing what your DH said at the time of PlateGate?

champagneandfromage50 · 23/02/2020 19:41

i think it is very odd that after 20yrs your MIL has now started asking you to bring your own food. Has it been linked with the birth of your DC?

champagneandfromage50 · 23/02/2020 19:45

oh and I am assuming your DH said absolutely nothing and has made excuses for the recent change?

JRUIN · 23/02/2020 19:46

She either doesn't like you or perhaps she thought YOU were being passive aggressive when you bought your whole dinner with you the first time instead of just your main dish.

checkingforballoons · 23/02/2020 19:54

OP, any chance you could really run with catering for yourself and have some fun with it?
Arrive with a large wicker hamper, then whip out a very fancy plate and cutlery, candlestick, napkin and so on. Small bottle of champagne and a single glass too perhaps?

JennyWoodentop · 23/02/2020 19:54

They have moved closer? So that you can provide care if needed down the line?
Just shot herself in the foot, there

Yup. I wonder if OP is a SAHM or works part time & is expected to be on stand by for rides to doctors' appointments, buy groceries, host meals at Easter, Christmas etc, before we even think about higher care needs down the line....... Even if the inlaws are fit & well now that could change & the burden of caregiving so often falls on the women of the family, not a good strategic move by MIL to upset OP if relationships had previously been OK even if only superficially.

virginpinkmartini · 23/02/2020 19:59

I would arrange a Just Eat delivery the next time when you're at hers... Make a huge spectacle out of the big feast you've ordered for yourself 😂

Hopoindown31 · 23/02/2020 20:03

As I'm sure others have said. The best way for this to be nipped in the bud is for your DH to call out this kind of behaviour. Whilst you can't stop your in-laws from behaving badly, if it isn't challenged by the adult child then it will just get worse.

As others have said, my DP would have questioned why there weren't the correct number of place settings at the time. I struggle to believe that your DH won't have noticed.

I suspect your MIL is like this more generally and your DH has learnt (perhaps off his father) that conflict avoidance is the easy way out. Unfortunately, that won't work anymore as it is his wife who is being treated badly and sadly MILs who are like this tend to be a whole lot worse to wives.

Hepsibar · 23/02/2020 20:21

Sounds v similar to a recent posting but written from another angle ... in that post the family were annoyed someone wouldnt eat home cooked food and would only eat ready made and were going to tell the person to bring in their own.

Perhaps MIL gets over anxious and stressed about the cooking. Sounds perculiar place not set and think this is worth talking about gently.

CaffiSaliMali · 23/02/2020 20:33

DH and I have some very anti vegetarian relatives. They all provide us with food we can eat when we visit. They might grumble about us not eating non veggie foods like parmesan, fish and veggie sausages they specifically drizzled in pork sausage meat for our 'health', but they can rustle up a jacket potato with baked beans, or pasta in tomato sauce.

It's very odd that she's catered for you for 20 years and no suddenly can't. Your DH needs to have a word pronto and find out what's going on.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 23/02/2020 20:43

OP it’s weird you refuse to answer what your husband’s reaction in all this was..

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