Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To think It odd that I'm asked to bring my own food when invited to dinner with MIL?

112 replies

nocciola · 23/02/2020 16:40

Just to be clear, I dont mind per se, it's just seems odd!
My MIL invited us to christmas dinner at their new house, then about a week before she asked if I would bring something for me for the meal- I'm a vegetarian, always have been and she's known me for 20 years. I said, sure thing and brought my dinner with me- I figured she was stressed with new house and Christmas dinner prep- so no biggie. The thing is she invited us again this weekend and again asked if I would bring something for me, thought nothing much of it until now really. Looking back it seems a bit off. I got there and there were only enough plates for 4 not 5 of us and then same thing when it came to dessert. This hasn't happened before and later she made a comment about needing to see my OH and DS but obviously not me. All in all I'm feeling a bit crap now, especially as we have been supporting them right through the move....AIBU? Advice please?

OP posts:

Mummyoftwo91 · 23/02/2020 17:04

Are u providing the main meal veggie element? Or the whole meal? I'm veggie too and sometimes I bring the main meal part to my mil house but will eat all the side bits

Seeline · 23/02/2020 17:05

Has she never fed you?!

Bluetrews25 · 23/02/2020 17:10

Agree with DH and DS to pretend that you have all gone veggie, and see what she does then,
Is she a really old fashioned meat and 3 veg cook? Or do you think she just doesn't like you, OP?
About time she discovered the delights of a cook book and took in the fact that it's good for us all to eat less meat.

JennyWoodentop · 23/02/2020 17:13

This is new behaviour & she has made some digs about not wanting to see you, so something is going on, the question is what & the next question is do you care enough to be bothered to find out? She might be ill, stressed or have never liked you & only now is the mask slipping, who knows. If she is ill, has early dementia or something else to expalin things then the rest of what I say does not pertain.

I am old & grumpy enough that I wouldn't visist someone who couldn't be bothered to cater for me - I would happily bring my own food for dietry preferences but someone not setting a place for me is a fairly clear message they don't want me, so I wouldn't go. The flip side to that is I wouldn't host someone in my home who had made it clear they didn't want me in theirs. So no more meals provided by me, which if you are the default cook in your home means no more invitations unless your husband steps up. Also I would stop whatever help & support I had been providing over the move or anything else if someone can't offer me basic civility.

Obviously more context & back story is needed for posters to have an idea who is unreasonable here & the starting point as others say is to find out what your husband mekes of it & for one or both of you to talk to her to find out what is going on.

Doobigetta · 23/02/2020 17:14

Just stop going, and when anyone asks why tell them you haven’t got time to cook.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2020 17:14

Are you saying there are changes in her behaviour? Is there a reason? What does your dh say? It could be she is bearing a grudge or this is the start of dementia or some kind of breakdown perhaps. Maybe something else I can’t think of eg a passive aggressive act because you don’t invite her over often enough. Why did no one pick her up on this?

SheldonSaysSo1 · 23/02/2020 17:19

I have vegetarians in the family and usually keep something quick in the freezer so I can rustle something up even for last minute occasions.

The Christmas dinner thing is mad because the whole dinner can be vegetarian apart from the actual meat. It's really easy to rustle up something vegetarian or buy from any supermarket. It shows she really isn't interested in hosting you.

FizzyGreenWater · 23/02/2020 17:20

You make sure she gets the message from your family that THEY - plural - don't like one of their number being slighted.

This from your DH:

'Mum is there a reason you're suddenly asking nocciola to bring her own food? If it's too much trouble to cook for us all, we'll just pop over for a cup of tea and not eat - tbh I don't like sitting at your table feeling that my own wife isn't being made as welcome as I am, so count us all out in future if that's the case.'

Nonnymum · 23/02/2020 17:21

Maybe she doesn't feel confident cooking vegi food?

AutumnRose1 · 23/02/2020 17:21

I’d refuse those invitations

It’s her right to refuse to cook veggie but it’s also your right not to go

Also, if you invite her, tell her to bring her own food.

MyDcAreMarvel · 23/02/2020 17:23

Yabu if you had an allergy it’s reasonable to except someone to make two meals. Personal choice then no, eat what someone has cooked for you or bring your own.

AhNowTed · 23/02/2020 17:27

Not everyone is confident cooking vegetarian food, some of us are not the greatest of cooks.

I wouldn't overthink the main, though the dessert is a bit odd.

Does she think you're vegan?

Arthritica · 23/02/2020 17:28

She’s being awful.

If she can’t be bothered to cook something veggie, she could pick up a substitute ready meal at the supermarket. It’s not like it’s a fringe diet these days!

JennyWoodentop · 23/02/2020 17:32

Not everyone is confident cooking vegetarian food, some of us are not the greatest of cooks.

I completely agree, but the point is this is new behaviour. OP has known MIL for 20 years & now suddenly MIL won't cook for her, it's not that OP is saying she has been bringing her own food for 20 years is it?
Also, bringing your own food is one thing but not being given a plate & being told it's only your husband & kids she needs to see is a whole other thing. I don't think this is about whether hosts should be expected to cater for veggies if they're not vegetarian themselves.

saraclara · 23/02/2020 17:32

Has she lost confidence in cooking for a veggie? Has anything gone wrong in previous meals that she's made for you? Has she mistakenly given you something you don't eat? You made a comment of any sort about something not being suitable, or left most of a meal?

thecatschampagne · 23/02/2020 17:33

What the hell everyone saying she's not confident cooking for vegetarians? If you can cook for four meat eaters, you're confident enough to cook for a vegetarian it's not hard.

Fourtights · 23/02/2020 17:33

OP is she worried about cross contamination with items that have touched meat? Is that something you worry about as a vegetarian?

I have a very small kitchen and I think if I had a guest who was concerned about that I'd have to ask them to bring their own food as I wouldn't be able to 100% guarantee that.

Is there any chance she has misinterpreted something you've said about vegetarian food you've been offered in the past?

Otherwise it does sound a bit passive aggressive.

SheldonSaysSo1 · 23/02/2020 17:35

Not being confident cooking for vegetarians then you can pick up something pre made from a supermarket? Or even serve something as easy as vegetarian sausages with the roast dinner

Nanna50 · 23/02/2020 17:37

Has she ever cooked for you? What did she say about not needing to see you and what did your OH say?

MzHz · 23/02/2020 17:40

I want to know what her son thinks of how you’re being treated and why the fuck would any of you ever consent to visit her again.

She did not even give you a plate last time, that’s coat on time and go back home.

DesLynamsMoustache · 23/02/2020 17:40

Come on, 'not the greatest of cooks'. Neither am I but I can read a recipe and follow instructions. I don't really understand people who claim they can't ever make anything because they are bad or not confident at cooking. You literally just follow what someone has written down I'm not good at freestyling or being creative but everyone who can read and follow instructions can follow a recipe.

Original poster

nocciola · 23/02/2020 17:41

Hi,
I've always said I'm happy to just have the veg and no need to make anything for me etc. I certainly dont expect anyone to go to any trouble. Fact is she normally has the same as me and has done for the last 20 years! it's only since moving nearby that this has happened and the four plates not 5 thing is what tipped it for me.

OP posts:

handbagsatdawn33 · 23/02/2020 17:43

It's certainly odd behaviour as she seems to be have been okay in the past.
Could it be dementia?

Pumpkinpie1 · 23/02/2020 17:44

Perfect gift for Mother’s Day , buy her a vegetarian cook book it might help her x x x x x

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/02/2020 17:44

Think your DH needs to have a word - this is weird behaviour

Flip

1 2 3 4 5