AIBU to think women are expected to be too strong? *warning*

[sadgrizzly]

Ok, so I'm v. angry at the universe right now, so this is probably more of a rant than a question.
I'm having a very bad week, in fact the second worst week of my life I would say.
I hit 13 weeks pregnant on Monday, started a miscarriage on Tuesday, and my god (ha) its been awful.
Women dont talk about it do they? I mean they might say, 'oh yes, we went through similar', and bow their heads in some sort of silent agreement. Or you might get a little shoulder touch as if to say, 'yes, I know'. Or 'are you going to try again?' like its some sort of fucking raffle! Yeah, you know, might have another go if the mood takes me, might risk the heart break that is hidden behind these gritted teeth. Might crack on next month, you know, when my poor body that's mirroring the emptiness that I am feeling, has finished expelling the 'products of conception' FFS.
People dont know, or do they know? Am I just dead naive? The raging fights I have had with people in my head over the last few days, the fury and the pain.
And the pain...'you might get period like cramps' no, I didnt, I've never had a period that feels like that or looks like that, or was so unpredictable. 'cramps' ha, thats a joke. And I think I'm pretty tough. 'you may pass some clots'. No, no, thats not what happened.
And it doesnt just happen in one dramatic isolated moment. Its on and on, its when you are cooking tea, or folding washing, or reading the little one a story, or just sitting down for a bit of 'down time'.
Its constant and its draining. Its draining my body and its draining my emotional bucket.
The doctor said 'yes its common insert some meaningless statistic'.
Is it common? Really? Are what ever percent of women walking round carrying the shockwaves from this experience? Why arent we talking about it?
Why is there a national miscarriage day, and people post little quotes on face book, or pictures of a candle, for one day, like these silent little well behaved nods to each other. Oh, you too? Yes, we know.
What? I feel like running down the streets screaming, tearing walls down, shaking people.
Why are we so polite? Why are women perceived as soft and caring and gentle? I dont feel any of these things. Women are so strong and carry so much.
My OH, he has been a rock for me, and such a comfort. I have not a bad word to say about him. My family, my mum, I couldnt have done a day of this without them.
I just feel like we are all going round, with this polite knowledge of some of the most awful things, and then brushing our hair, fixing the mascara, and you know, popping the kettle on.
Is it any wonder people drink or get hooked on painkillers?
I dont know what I'm asking, I know women are expected to be too many things, and to do it with grace.
I dont feel very much grace today, and I dont think I will tomorrow.
Even reading back this, its too polite, its doesnt reflect the screaming thats going on inside. Are there even words for that? Probably in some other language. Maybe its just a primeval noise.
I just wanted to shout.
xx

There’s so much pain in this world for women and it’s not often spoken about openly enough. I’m sorry your going through this xxx be kind to yourself 💜

I'm so sorry for your loss. You've lost a child you've bonded with, either if you haven't met you have loved them. I wish there was more recognition for what you're going through.
Very glad to hear of the support you have though. Take care x

It's absolutely shit, OP. I'm so so sorry for your loss.

I don't know what to say. I felt this too. Every time. I wanted to scream, I did scream. I couldn't understand how the rest of the world still carried on around me.

I'm so so sorry this is happening to you too.

It's difficult to know when to talk about it though.

When I miscarried, others spoke to me about their experience and offered emotional support. Those who had not experienced it were, in the main, not that comforting or said insensitive things.

I honestly think that while you can appreciate that someone is sad, and can feel bad that they are feeling the loss, you simply cannot 100% empathise unless you are able to say "I know. I was there. It's fucking shit".

I passed a tiny almost baby. With form. I sat in the pre-assesment unit with the "contents" in a tub. The same room all the pregnant women wait for the 12 and 20 weeks scan. The same room those parents walk through on their way out, the look of elation on their faces and the little black and white picture in their hands.

I felt every pain for the next two weeks. I walked aimlessly round Aldi buying dog food when we don't even have a dog. I stared through my 3yo when they asked to play.

It's fucking shit.

I totally hear you, OP.

A lot of women find their anger post pregnancy/miscarriage and/or childbirth. It's when women find out how society truly feels about us. It can be a shocking revelation, a horrifying rite of passage from the relative optimism of girlhood. 💐💐💐

I've sent you a PM. It is fucking horrific. Make no mistake, you labour during a miscarriage. What you feel are contractions. We should be more honest. You are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to be whatever you want right now.

People don't talk about it enough. When I went back to work after mine I told my team about it. They were shocked at what it was like - they thought it was like a heavy period. They had no idea until I told them. I had no idea until it happened to me. So sorry it's happening to you.

Totally agree with you OP and feel like you do about quite a few 'womanly' things, especially to do with children. We ARE strong - but somehow we are expected to be even stronger than strong.
Don't know of any alternative though.

It's shit OP, and you are angry. I've been there myself, three times. Some of my good friends are ones I've bonded with over infertility, miscarriage and baby loss, some people are willing to talk, but they will be led by you as people are so afraid of making your pain worse

YY to knowing when to talk about it. Life has so much pain you need to have a time and a place.

I'm at an age where lots of my friends have parents dying and cancer is becoming more prevalent amongst my friends. It's really hard to know when is a moment to talk and when to avoid, especially in a group.

Miscarriage is shit. You will feel better eventually.

Thank you for hearing me. Maybe feeling slightly better today. I've a lot to be grateful for. This has just really knocked me x

Yes, it's common. No, that fact doesn't make it one single bit easier.

Everything you say is understandable, but I guess the reality is that people are awkward about this and I don't think that's so difficult to understand in itself.

Possibly the most eloquent thing I’ve seen written about miscarriage.

I’m so sorry for your loss

I had 4 miscarriages in quick succession. I had one day off work for the first one, and got judged so heavily that I didn't even have any time off for the other 3. I went to work pregnant and left 10 hours later, not pregnant. For one of them I was stood in court giving evidence (police officer). I told the CPS lawyer and was told that they couldn't postpone and if I didn't give evidence a DV offender would get away with it. Another time I had meetings at another location and had to stop half way there as I almost passed out with pain. I got a bollocking for being late.

I got my happy ending eventually, but suffered terribly with sickness. I had to run out of a meeting once to be sick and was told off by my supervisor. The next time I just threw up in a bin and carried on. The men were horrified, but they never said anything about me being soft again.

I'm so sorry op

The fact we're expected to treat it as if it never happened and as if it it's an agonising blood bath is disgusting. I had no idea what was hidden beneath the word 'miscarriage' until my own. It should be called something that reflects its brutality. I hope posting has at least made you see you're not alone in thinking it's fucking bullshit

@10storeylovesong what a bunch of chauvinistic, insensitive little pigs you work with; this has made me so angry for you!

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's heart breaking. You are right, being a woman involves a lot of pain and heartbreak.

'cramps' ha, thats a joke

Ain't it just. You are definitely not being unreasonable op. I had no idea. Of the duration, the pain, none of it (and mine was quick and 'easy' as MC's go, once it started). This definitely needs to be spoken about more.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I felt every word OP.

In September I miscarried a baby that took two years to conceive. Tomorrow I am going to have part of my cervix lasered off due to abnormal cells. I also currently have glandular fever which has hit me like a ton of bricks.

I feel like nothing is worth it. I am a different person now than I was a year ago. A light has dimmed inside me and I don't know how to turn it back on.

Yet somehow I dust myself off. I make dinner. I take my son to school. I work a very demanding full time job. Walk the dog. I am angry at the world for doing this to me, then I am angry at myself. I keep plodding one because I don't know what else to do.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I had to terminate a twin pregnancy.
My mum has had miscarriages.
She was the only person who told me the truth.
Everyone said "like a period" "cramps" "a bit of clotting"
My mum said it would be the most difficult thing I'd ever been through. That the pain would be like labour, that there'd be blood, and a lot of it. That there'd be pain, not just physical, but emotional too.
That I'd probably get a fever and that it would not be over quickly.

My alternative would have been worse though. I know that, but of course your situation is very different.

It is shit. It is horrendously shit.

And it isn't talked about enough. People think you just get over it. But you don't. You learn to live with it. You don't get over it.

It doesn't matter how pregnant you were. You lost your child. A baby you had bonded with and thought about bringing home from the hospital, wondered what they'd look like, feel like, thought about where they'd sleep and what clothes they'd wear.
You don't get over that. You learn to live with it. At least, that's my experience. And I've now been diagnosed with PTSD because of it. That's how difficult it is.
My brother served 2 tours in Afghanistan and almost died numerous times, had to see some horrendous things.
I lost my twins.
We both suffered trauma. But he's brave. And I'm soft and should get over it. I'm not saying my brother isn't brave, I'm saying I'm not fucking soft. Women are not soft. And we should be properly supported.

I'm sorry. I'm still very angry about my twins.

Im on my PC now so can reply properly.
You accounts have made me feel much less isolated. And much more convinced that there are unreal expectation on us as women.
@Tisfortired I'm so sorry, I wont give the usual platitudes (is that the right word?) but best of luck and strength for tomorrow. May your light burn bright again.
@Lhia29 - exactly that.
Its a week ago tomorrow that the bleeding started, I think its just about coming full circle now. Thinking maybe once that finishes, I can concentrate on healing the emotional bits.
I keep going to make an appointment at the doctor, but I dont know what for. I feel like I want to present my situation and for it to be corrected. Im 38 years old and still think a person in an office holds the answers.
The calendar in the kitchen keeps reminding me that it should be my first scan this Tuesday.
Took the little one out today - think it was national take your new born babies and pregnant wives out day today - thats how it felt.
I dont feel as fired up tonight, but I'm sad, deep down inside, where the empty feeling is.
You have all picked up and dusted down, and I will continue to grit my teeth until I also dust down.
If the universe agrees then I so so desire to have another baby, although right now the fear of pregnancy is overwhelming.
I feel really fucking tricked. Like really deceived by the world.
x

@HerRoyalFattyness - I dont know what to say. I am so sorry for what you have been through. Its horrific. we are so strong, and so brave (although not feeling it) xx

Its awful

And im good with pain but it was one of the two most painful experiences of my life

I’d been told the baby was dead days before...but as much as i hoped they’d got it wrong after a few hours of the pain i just wanted them to get it out of me

And the receptionist laughed at me, if I’d have been fighting fit I’d have laid into her

So sorry sad