AIBU to think women are expected to be too strong? *warning*

[sadgrizzly]

Ok, so I'm v. angry at the universe right now, so this is probably more of a rant than a question.
I'm having a very bad week, in fact the second worst week of my life I would say.
I hit 13 weeks pregnant on Monday, started a miscarriage on Tuesday, and my god (ha) its been awful.
Women dont talk about it do they? I mean they might say, 'oh yes, we went through similar', and bow their heads in some sort of silent agreement. Or you might get a little shoulder touch as if to say, 'yes, I know'. Or 'are you going to try again?' like its some sort of fucking raffle! Yeah, you know, might have another go if the mood takes me, might risk the heart break that is hidden behind these gritted teeth. Might crack on next month, you know, when my poor body that's mirroring the emptiness that I am feeling, has finished expelling the 'products of conception' FFS.
People dont know, or do they know? Am I just dead naive? The raging fights I have had with people in my head over the last few days, the fury and the pain.
And the pain...'you might get period like cramps' no, I didnt, I've never had a period that feels like that or looks like that, or was so unpredictable. 'cramps' ha, thats a joke. And I think I'm pretty tough. 'you may pass some clots'. No, no, thats not what happened.
And it doesnt just happen in one dramatic isolated moment. Its on and on, its when you are cooking tea, or folding washing, or reading the little one a story, or just sitting down for a bit of 'down time'.
Its constant and its draining. Its draining my body and its draining my emotional bucket.
The doctor said 'yes its common insert some meaningless statistic'.
Is it common? Really? Are what ever percent of women walking round carrying the shockwaves from this experience? Why arent we talking about it?
Why is there a national miscarriage day, and people post little quotes on face book, or pictures of a candle, for one day, like these silent little well behaved nods to each other. Oh, you too? Yes, we know.
What? I feel like running down the streets screaming, tearing walls down, shaking people.
Why are we so polite? Why are women perceived as soft and caring and gentle? I dont feel any of these things. Women are so strong and carry so much.
My OH, he has been a rock for me, and such a comfort. I have not a bad word to say about him. My family, my mum, I couldnt have done a day of this without them.
I just feel like we are all going round, with this polite knowledge of some of the most awful things, and then brushing our hair, fixing the mascara, and you know, popping the kettle on.
Is it any wonder people drink or get hooked on painkillers?
I dont know what I'm asking, I know women are expected to be too many things, and to do it with grace.
I dont feel very much grace today, and I dont think I will tomorrow.
Even reading back this, its too polite, its doesnt reflect the screaming thats going on inside. Are there even words for that? Probably in some other language. Maybe its just a primeval noise.
I just wanted to shout.
xx

Oh and to add to my previous post, it happened to me when I had a child already, and it was still an incredibly emotionally bleak time. I cried so much I lost my voice. I had to take several weeks off work and thankfully people understood. But you’re right many people think it’s no big deal. And that’s wrong of them. On the bright side, I now have four children so conceived another three after the miscarriage. I will never forget it though. But things do get better and will for you

Oh wow OP your writing is astounding.That is the only thing I have read since I miscarried that really nails it. Thank you. I think that should be published. I still feel, 9 years later (it feels like yesterday) utterly dumbfounded that this awful, awful, raw, terryfying thing happened and everyone just nodded along as you say. When I started bleeding, my gp told me to go home and come back 3 days later when we'd had a day or two to "see what happens". What happened is I bled huge, huge amounts of blood in my bathroom for 3 hours. I couldn't leave the toilet as it gushed out of me in strong contractions which were incredibly painful. I fell to the floor in pain several times, semi conscious, and covered the floor in blood. I was 12 weeks. I felt the baby pass. Eventually an ambulance had to be called when I lost all consciousness and I was stretchered out of the house. In A and E I was given gas and air while a doctor scraped out the remains. It was barbaric. And then people patted me and told me it was so common, which was strange because I had never heard anyone speak any detail of it in my life before. And there was no support whatsoever afterwards. (At least nowadays there is much more online / on Instagram and Facebook).
Those were without doubt my darkest days emotionally. The emotional pain is horrendous. I thought I would never recover but all I can tell you is that of course it does get easier. I wish you well xx

It's horribly comforting and equally shocking to read so many similar accounts. And to see others like me who didn't know what to expect or how to deal. Just highlights more that there should be a greater level of awareness of how brutal a miscarriage is, and that's its not just a heavy period and a sad feeling. If I could chuck my tired arms round you I would. I'm sad today. Little one is back in nursery, I've selfishly been using him for comforting cuddles. Mr Grizzly is back in work. Does feel like a line has been drawn in the sand and there is a before and an after. Xx

I absolutely agree and stand with you on this I’ve been there at the same stage too, horrific and shell shocking.

ah I relate to this so much. I miscarried in November 2018. I'd never felt sadness or hopelessness like it. I had spotting on and off but every scan I went to (had 3) there was a baby and a heartbeat. at one we even got told it looked like there was 2 yolk sacs and the spotting could of sadly been a twin.

I remember after my last "good" scan at 8 weeks just having this really overwhelming feeling that something wasnt right. booked a private scan for a week later and yep no longer a heartbeat! I had surgery 2 days later, 3 days before my 24th birthday.

went back to work within the week, and just carried on as normal pretty much. I remember becoming strangely obsessed with my appearance!? think was a way of making myself feel better because I couldnt make myself feel good on the inside.

in short, it was agonising and I didnt get deal with it in any way until I fell pregnant again. I still have all the scan pictures and a teddy acknowledging that little one I lost in a drawer next to my bed.

I felt so furious at the world too. just wanted to say I hear you loud and clear. we are so strong

Hi all, I just wanted to apologise about my last post. I don't want to make anyone feel that they will never get over their miscarriage/s. I think for me it's all tied in with waiting a long time to meet the right person, then feeling pessimistic about even being able to get pregnant due to endo and my age. The fact I managed it twice, felt like such a miracle. However, I'm now in peri-menopause and suffering from a chronic condition that means realistically I won't ever get pregnant again, so it exacerbates the feeling of loss. So no children for me and I will potentially lose my partner over it as he is younger and really wants children. Sorry, I'm not putting it very well, I think my situation is pretty dark but I'm hoping I didn't make anyone else feel like they will never feel better.

penguin

im sorry this happened to you OP.

it sucks, its painful and completely emotionally consuming. I found it hard to deal with it and was open about it with friends and family and HATED their reaction. awkward silences, looking away and stories from some random aunts who has MC too. listening to me was too uncomfortable for most people.

and YES we need a national MC day.
how do we make this happen?

I feal I am one of the many women who have had a miscarriage. I am glad I already have two healthy children and def think this makes a difference to my stance. I do not feal i am in the same league as someone who miscarried post 20 wks or who have had multipe ones. I was frustrated it went on for so long(Miscarried beginning of nov, then chemical which failed thensurgical removal in Jan.) and it was sad but not painful, (Ok I think I am a bit of an anomily here.) now just wanting my cycles to get back to normal.

I think the physical side of it is finished now. To be honest I don't know if that makes me more sad! Of course I would love to grow our family, the desire for my little one to have siblings is greater than my fear of it happening again, but right now I'm no where near thinking about being intimate or cycles or anything like that. I feel very dull and unfeminine if that makes sense. Double the make up but half the smile. Xx

DH was crushed as well which was hard as everyone expected him to be ‘strong’

This is so true, when it happened in my own family, after consoling our daughter as best I could I asked our son-in-law how are you, because this is happening to you too? He said I was the first person to ask him, none of the medical people or even his own family.

This is such a sad thread to everyone for all they have been through.

Just wanted to add my own perspective in case it helps to understand those people who do the nod of acknowledgement when miscarriage or loss is mentioned.

I had a miscarriage several years ago, before my two kids came along. It was painful and sad, but I have never felt a need to talk to anyone about it. Only my dh and a couple of friends know, because I had to cancel plans and take a day off work. I didn't want anyone to know. I am a very private person, and I prefer to work through this on my own. Not suggesting in any way that it's the right way to deal with it or that others shouldn't talk about it. Just wanted to shed some light on the possible reasons why some people don't want to talk.

I have had friends tell me their experiences with pregnancy loss and I still haven't chosen to tell them. Perhaps thats selfish of me as it may make them feel better, but its a choice I have made.

I do agree that women are expected to be strong and shoulder many of life's burdens, that should change as its not good for us to take on the weight of the world.

@sadgrizzly I am so so sorry. No parent should ever lose a child, no matter what stage.

Your words echo the voice in my head that I'm unable to verbally articulate so I wanted to thank you.

Over the past 4 years we have lost 4 babies. Our first one was a surprise and before her I hadn't planned on having anymore children (I have 2) and my DP certainly didn't want any children of his own. We were perfectly happy, just me, DP and my 2 boys.
But we fell in love with our first baby together and couldn't wait to meet her. Then we lost her. Then her 2 siblings.
Our most recent baby died on 2nd Jan after more than a year TTC, we found out the next day at our 9 week 'reassurance' (as if) scan. Only one week before we saw a perfect baby with a lovely heartbeat. We thought this one would be our one. Our turn for happiness. Our year.
But it wasn't.

And only a week or so later DP told me he is back to not ever wanting his own children. Not ever. Done. No chance. No middle ground.

So yeah, like you I am furious with the world. I begged the universe for this baby to be okay and to be able to meet our beautiful bundle of joy in August. BEGGED.
I visualised it all and had so much hope. Now all my hope has been taken away. I have no comfort of a 'rainbow baby' to look forward to like so many other people do. Four years of my life wishing and wanting and trying so hard to get through each day with the hope of finally being able to hold our baby has been whipped from under my feet.

Like you, I have been painting a happy face as much as possible. People think I'm okay now, they've stopped asking me how I am doing, stopped listening. But I am screaming inside and I am furious that I had my happiness taken from me. That happiness I had before we lost our first baby, when things were good. Just me, DP and my boys. I'm furious this hope of a baby was planted in me and now I can't ever shake it. It's like a primal urge that has taken over me. What was the point?

It's that feeling when your milk comes in and you're desperate to feed your baby. It physically hurts to not hold our baby. And I never will do. I dream of turning over in bed and seeing our little one sleeping safely next to me in their moses basket. The image is always with me.

DP said I was crying in my sleep the other night.

Fuck its shit, and I am totally with you.

The one thing I hate is when people say "well, you have your boys, be thankful for them"
Oh really? And which one of your children would you choose to live without?

It's not my experience that anyone expects more or less of me than the bare basics that everyone else is expected to live up to, too. Such as abiding by the law. But also, I'm the sort of person that really doesn't care about much, and I don't take it personally when people say things to me, because I mostly don't care what people have to say. Especially if it's negative. I just focus on myself, my life and my loved ones. That's my bubble and world, and everyone and everything else is pointless. So are their expectations of me, if they have them.

@sadgrizzly I feel your pain, sadness and frustration. It happened to me on 10th February at 11 weeks. Despite reading lots I was not prepared for the physical pain at all. It's now fifteen days later and I'm starting to feel better physically and emotionally. Please know that it will get better xx

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

I never realised how fucking brutal a miscarriage was until
I had one.

I had to walk around with a dead baby inside me for 4 weeks while I waited for it to happen. I was told it “would be like a period”. What a fucking joke. I lost so much blood I started fitting and had to be whisked off in an ambulance.

I agree that miscarriage shouldn’t be downplayed.

I don't talk about my loss often, for several reasons:
Lots of people just don't want to know - it freaks out those trying or with young children
Death (especially babies) is still taboo to a large extent
Everyone's body and experience is different and its not the same for everyone
It is still really painful to talk about even several years later
I don't want people feeling sorry for me, or thinking I'm less capable than I am.

Hugs to everyone, the pain has mellowed after several years, but its still there in the background ready to pounce when I don't expect it.

Just to respond to the posters that mention not wanting to talk about it. I totally understand and respect that, if I have come across as sounding like I think everyone should be talking about it openly then that's not really what I meant. I think what I am more angry about is that you feel as if its just 'one of those things' and that you must almost be being over dramatic about it all. It's the brutality of it that I can't quite get my head round. I feel a sadness and a grief for a person that I never met. I cant miss that human, but my god I miss that warm feeling of potential deep inside. I know 13 weeks is still classed as early, but I used to sit settling my toddler thinking about how this would be a new routine. It's not only that I have lost a pregnancy, but that my little one has lost a brother or a sister,Mr Grizzly has lost a son or a daughter, there's a grandchild in the family that was a nearly but a not quite. It's so personal, and so precious. I saw a rainbow today and burst out crying. Nothing will be the same now. X

That was an incredibly eloquent post OP. I absolutely hear you. My two miscarriages were relatively early on and I felt like I had no right to grieve because of this but I still couldn't stop the waves of emotional and physical pain.
I also find it quite comforting that the world carried on regardless of my pain and grief, I remember staring out of the window being amazed by that. I've experienced the same when I've been in the pit of depression.

I hope you have got some time off work, if you do work? You need to just breathe

@Frazzlerock no words, but you're in my thoughts

I'm a sahm, so blessed beyond words to have my little boy to cuddle and nuzzle. A toddler keeps you grounded!

It's awful OP, so sorry to hear your story and all the others here.

And I wish medical professionals would be more honest about what to expect or at least more sensitive to the idea that it's not just physical. The doctor I saw just after I had passed the tiny form at home ('chemical pregnancy' at 5.5 weeks with my first, 4 years ago) said he was amazed I had even realised I was pregnant and that 'most women' would have just thought it was a heavy period at that stage. Errm yes because I normally have vertigo so bad I can't take two steps without falling over and have hours of regular, painful contractions every month when I get my period. And yet my DH seems to hardly remember it happened, especially now that we have ds.

Hope you feel better soon and all the lovely toddler cuddles help.