AIBU to think women are expected to be too strong? *warning*

[sadgrizzly]

Ok, so I'm v. angry at the universe right now, so this is probably more of a rant than a question.
I'm having a very bad week, in fact the second worst week of my life I would say.
I hit 13 weeks pregnant on Monday, started a miscarriage on Tuesday, and my god (ha) its been awful.
Women dont talk about it do they? I mean they might say, 'oh yes, we went through similar', and bow their heads in some sort of silent agreement. Or you might get a little shoulder touch as if to say, 'yes, I know'. Or 'are you going to try again?' like its some sort of fucking raffle! Yeah, you know, might have another go if the mood takes me, might risk the heart break that is hidden behind these gritted teeth. Might crack on next month, you know, when my poor body that's mirroring the emptiness that I am feeling, has finished expelling the 'products of conception' FFS.
People dont know, or do they know? Am I just dead naive? The raging fights I have had with people in my head over the last few days, the fury and the pain.
And the pain...'you might get period like cramps' no, I didnt, I've never had a period that feels like that or looks like that, or was so unpredictable. 'cramps' ha, thats a joke. And I think I'm pretty tough. 'you may pass some clots'. No, no, thats not what happened.
And it doesnt just happen in one dramatic isolated moment. Its on and on, its when you are cooking tea, or folding washing, or reading the little one a story, or just sitting down for a bit of 'down time'.
Its constant and its draining. Its draining my body and its draining my emotional bucket.
The doctor said 'yes its common insert some meaningless statistic'.
Is it common? Really? Are what ever percent of women walking round carrying the shockwaves from this experience? Why arent we talking about it?
Why is there a national miscarriage day, and people post little quotes on face book, or pictures of a candle, for one day, like these silent little well behaved nods to each other. Oh, you too? Yes, we know.
What? I feel like running down the streets screaming, tearing walls down, shaking people.
Why are we so polite? Why are women perceived as soft and caring and gentle? I dont feel any of these things. Women are so strong and carry so much.
My OH, he has been a rock for me, and such a comfort. I have not a bad word to say about him. My family, my mum, I couldnt have done a day of this without them.
I just feel like we are all going round, with this polite knowledge of some of the most awful things, and then brushing our hair, fixing the mascara, and you know, popping the kettle on.
Is it any wonder people drink or get hooked on painkillers?
I dont know what I'm asking, I know women are expected to be too many things, and to do it with grace.
I dont feel very much grace today, and I dont think I will tomorrow.
Even reading back this, its too polite, its doesnt reflect the screaming thats going on inside. Are there even words for that? Probably in some other language. Maybe its just a primeval noise.
I just wanted to shout.
xx

I had several miscarriages and was devastated. DH was crushed as well which was hard as everyone expected him to be ‘strong’.

I have to say, I didn’t get over it until I was pregnant again (I fell pregnant the next cycle each time) and then the pain seemed to vanish overnight. It doesn’t hurt now to talk about it, so maybe that’s a reason for some people’s reaction.

Look after yourself.

What I have learnt. Everyones body is different. You reads the text book advice but it may not match your experience. I think it makes a difference in how far gone you are. How long you have been trying or if it,s planned, if you have other children. How the actual miscarriage turned out. I mean ffor my sister she loist hers at 21 wks which very different to mc at 7 wks.

@PicsInRed
OP, I do not know what you are going through. I have never had anything similar, nor anyone around me.
But I can offer a shoulder to cry on, because you do not have to prove that you are strong! You are strong! You lost a part of you... You may need to grieve to cope with this loss.
It is not about physical strength and nobody can prepare you for this mentally.
Time is the best healer!
Let your body and mind and soul heal. Once you are ready, you will know.
OP, sending you positive thoughts! That`s all I have

PicsInRed
A lot of women find their anger post pregnancy/miscarriage and/or childbirth. It's when women find out how society truly feels about us. It can be a shocking revelation, a horrifying rite of passage from the relative optimism of girlhood.

PicsInRed said what I wanted to, but far better that I would have. I'm sorry for your loss OP

I'm so sorry for you. It's fucking awful. it stays with you. It changes you. But it does become easier to remember.

So sad to read what you have all experienced.
Life's a bitch sometimes.

So sorry for your loss OP ❤️

According to a recent study, one in six women who lose a baby in early pregnancy experiences long-term symptoms of PTSD.

Take care of yourself, OP, and don't let anyone tell you how you are supposed to feel. If you need help, make sure no one gets in the way of you getting it.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.com/news/amp/health-51093999

I'm so sorry for your loss OP! Sending you hugs.
It's not easy to be a woman. Women can endure a lot of pain and life is a bitch.
Hope God gives you strength to get over this pain. 💐

It's fucking shit. Your comment about feeling deceived really hit home; I had a missed miscarriage and it felt like a cruel joke.

It took weeks, almost a month in all. I spent our first wedding anniversary walking around trying to speed it up, as that seemed to bring on more contractions. After ten days I went for coffee with a friend and ended up passing a huge clot in Debenhams toilets; it really shook me up.

I was signed off work for two weeks and it's almost certainly why I was passed up for two promotions, but my health (mental and physical) is more important so I won't apologise for not working through it.

I don’t truly believe anyone can understand the pain of miscarriage unless they’ve gone through it. If you tell someone that your mother/father/brother/sister etc has died they can understand what your going through and empathise with you, but with miscarriage they don’t see your loss the same way as to them the baby never existed. But he did. She did. They existed and they were loved so much and wanted so much, yet at the same time, to the world they were never real. That’s the thing people who have never had a miscarriage don’t really understand. The pain and the grief is unbearable but it’s also silent. There are so many women (and men) who know the pain and have grieved the loss of their baby, which is what he/she is, a baby, not a ‘product of pregnancy’ and we should talk about this grief more because it’s so fucking real. My last miscarriage was over 2 years ago now but reading your post brought all the pain right back. You never get over it, but you do learn to live with it and move on, the same with all grief, it eases in time.

to all of us who have miscarried precious babies.

I had an early miscarriage with my 3rd pregnancy while out at a kiddies museum with my DC who were 6 & 4 years old. Nothing to suggest a miscarriage was going to happen, but I went to the public loo with my 4 year old and saw blood and clots. Had no idea what to do, so just carried on my day trip in a daze. Took about a week for the miscarriage to be over and I really didn't expect it.

Went on to have 3 more babies and that was my only miscarriage. I still think about that little soul every day.

Picsinred that's so true.
I had a miscarriage and was constantly told I would lose some blood but they refused tell me HOW MUCH was normal. I was losing huge clots and they kept reassuring me it was normal, until I called 999 and got taken to the ward and they saw how much this actually was. They asked why I hadn't told them. I was heartbroken and my husband barely remembers it happened. It's still not really acknowledged how painful it can be physically and emotionally.

I get it OP. I had a missed miscarriage; a successful birth then a twin pregnancy where one if the babies was very sick. I had to terminate the twin at 12 weeks and pray that the healthy one was ok: luckily he was, but the whole thing haunts me still. No one talks about this stuff. It’s taboo, and it shouldn’t be.

I'm so sorry OP.

I'm so sorry.

Unfortunately most people don't want to know about the realities. You can't try for a baby without knowing you're risking a miscarriage. It's a bit like how everyone knows chemo makes you feel awful and lose your hair but nobody wants to know the ins and outs because if you need it, you need it.

I think it's wrong that women who are confirmed to be miscarrying aren't told more honestly about what to expect. And I hate that miscarriages are seen as no big deal before 12 weeks - with the whole societal pressure on not telling before the first scan. But I understand why my friend who had a missed miscarriage didn't tell me what it was like, because she knew we were trying.

Hponestly having I can say for me it was no big deal. But may be because I already have a son and daughter.

I had a ruptured ectopic. I very nearly died. It was the most frightening and painful thing I have ever experienced. Yet I had to go back into work when it was all over as though nothing ever happened, and people assume you have been on holiday or something.

If I'd have had a ruptured appendix I could have told people as it's "ok" to talk about something like that, and I would have maybe been cut a bit of slack instead of coming back to an inbox of shitty emails asking why I had not done x,y,z....

It's fucking shit op I agree. I remember getting in one day and some arsehole had cut me up in the car... I just ran into the living room, picked up a cushion and screamed into it. If I'd have got my hands on the prick in the other car I probably would have literally murdered him quite happily I felt so angry in that moment.... and that was the time the hospital decided to call me to ask me why I hadn't booked my 12 week scan yet... 🤦‍♀️👍

june2007 perhaps you should consider the previous posts a bit more before jumping on.

I think things are starting to change slowly, perhaps due to SM and forums where we can rant and rave and there's no one to say we're not behaving appropriately. Or silence is.

I think birth injuries come under the same taboo. It's shit.

Sorry op
Yes, we are expected to be strong, all the while being though of as we all

Thank you so much op. After my first miscarriage I spent ages looking for accounts of other people's, but none of them ever gave me any feeling of solidarity. Your post is the first thing I've ever read that made me feel like someone else went through similar, which breaks my heart as I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but makes me feel 'normal'. Thank you. I had my 2nd a year to the day later but was further along so it was even worse, my dp actually called 999 a few days in as we thought I had sepsis. I've never felt so ill in my life, and I believe that I now have ptsd. I will never be the same person as I was pre-pregnancy loss.

I had a missed miscarriage at 13 weeks and had to have a medical management as the miscarriage didn’t happen naturally. I remember screaming at the poor sonographer “no, no, no, this can’t be” and insisting she bring someone in to check (again).

I remember walking around in a daze for weeks. I saw the doctor who had done the procedure in my local supermarket a week later and I never shopped there again as I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing him. I clung onto the comment made by the nurse “you’re much more fertile after a miscarriage”. I think my relentless peeing on sticks and checking ovulation permanently affected my marriage.

I’d never suffered with any mental health issues prior to this but I remember 5 months after the miscarriage and still not being pregnant sitting on the end of my bed and thinking “now I understand why people commit suicide”. I’d never felt such utter despair and lack of clarity.
I told my husband what I was thinking - not that I wanted to commit suicide just that I now felt I understood a little more about just not wanting to carry on. Every day was so painful. He was horrified and scared and I sought counselling to help me get through it.

3 months later I was pregnant and whilst it was a nervous pregnancy now I look at my little boy and know he wouldn’t be here if the previous pregnancy had been successful and that makes everything ok. I can think back to those days without the heart wrenching grief.

It is the loneliest of times.

@PicsInRed Couldn't agree more with your post, I felt almost possessed by rage during my 2 HG pregnancies. OP thank you for putting words to this experience which verges on the inchoate, I think due to the extremity of the suffering combined with wholesale societal denial.

Pregnancy/termination/birth/motherhood has changed my whole orientation to life. I now have very little interest in interacting with men (apart from unusually empathetic DH) and want nothing more than to help other women.

It's been 2 years now since I was pregnant, so I'm not in that dark place atm, although it has changed me. I hope with time the pain recedes for you too OP

OP, I’m sorry for what’s happening

It happened to me too, around the same time during one of my pregnancies and I agree with you that it is just the most excruciatingly painful, soul destroying and gut wrenching feeling ever. No one tells you the truth about what it’ll be like.

The good news is that you WILL feel better, and I’m pleased to hear you are already - and you will get past it all very soon.

My advice would be to find people you CAN talk to about it IRL. My friends and I have gone through similar but we aren’t ashamed to share all the details with each other and that definitely helps. PM me if you want to talk more. It helps to know you’re not alone. Sending hugs xx