AIBU to think women are expected to be too strong? *warning*

[sadgrizzly]

Ok, so I'm v. angry at the universe right now, so this is probably more of a rant than a question.
I'm having a very bad week, in fact the second worst week of my life I would say.
I hit 13 weeks pregnant on Monday, started a miscarriage on Tuesday, and my god (ha) its been awful.
Women dont talk about it do they? I mean they might say, 'oh yes, we went through similar', and bow their heads in some sort of silent agreement. Or you might get a little shoulder touch as if to say, 'yes, I know'. Or 'are you going to try again?' like its some sort of fucking raffle! Yeah, you know, might have another go if the mood takes me, might risk the heart break that is hidden behind these gritted teeth. Might crack on next month, you know, when my poor body that's mirroring the emptiness that I am feeling, has finished expelling the 'products of conception' FFS.
People dont know, or do they know? Am I just dead naive? The raging fights I have had with people in my head over the last few days, the fury and the pain.
And the pain...'you might get period like cramps' no, I didnt, I've never had a period that feels like that or looks like that, or was so unpredictable. 'cramps' ha, thats a joke. And I think I'm pretty tough. 'you may pass some clots'. No, no, thats not what happened.
And it doesnt just happen in one dramatic isolated moment. Its on and on, its when you are cooking tea, or folding washing, or reading the little one a story, or just sitting down for a bit of 'down time'.
Its constant and its draining. Its draining my body and its draining my emotional bucket.
The doctor said 'yes its common insert some meaningless statistic'.
Is it common? Really? Are what ever percent of women walking round carrying the shockwaves from this experience? Why arent we talking about it?
Why is there a national miscarriage day, and people post little quotes on face book, or pictures of a candle, for one day, like these silent little well behaved nods to each other. Oh, you too? Yes, we know.
What? I feel like running down the streets screaming, tearing walls down, shaking people.
Why are we so polite? Why are women perceived as soft and caring and gentle? I dont feel any of these things. Women are so strong and carry so much.
My OH, he has been a rock for me, and such a comfort. I have not a bad word to say about him. My family, my mum, I couldnt have done a day of this without them.
I just feel like we are all going round, with this polite knowledge of some of the most awful things, and then brushing our hair, fixing the mascara, and you know, popping the kettle on.
Is it any wonder people drink or get hooked on painkillers?
I dont know what I'm asking, I know women are expected to be too many things, and to do it with grace.
I dont feel very much grace today, and I dont think I will tomorrow.
Even reading back this, its too polite, its doesnt reflect the screaming thats going on inside. Are there even words for that? Probably in some other language. Maybe its just a primeval noise.
I just wanted to shout.
xx

I'm sorry OP. You articulated what many of us can't.

Hi all, just wanted to pop back and thank everyone for their understanding and support and for giving me the space and freedom to vent unfiltered.
A quick question to those who have been in similar situations, I'm finding I am really wiped out after not much activity. I'm getting enough sleep, probably not eating well enough, but finding the tiredness really tough. Is this part of it or something else?
Thank you and much love
Xx

OP, I found myself very tired for a few weeks after. A mix of the physical impact and the hormone and emotional crash. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself.

Reading your post was like I had written it myself.

I had two last year, one after the other. I fell pregnant again right after the first loss but I didn't get to 7 weeks for either of them. I had pink/brown spotting and discharge and didn't understand what was happening to start with. It's not like what you see on TV where you think it suddenly comes and then is over. I had bleeding for a week before and a week after both times. I took almost 3 weeks off both times because I just felt so low and exhausted and couldn't do anything. if I was out of the house (which was rare at the time), I wanted to be home. If my husband was there I wanted him to go away, if he was away I wanted him there.

Plus if you do get pregnant again then you're just constantly checking loo paper and worrying at every twinge. I was almost waiting for it to happen the second time, and then it did. Then I felt bad because I felt I had given up on the baby before they even had a chance.

No one seems to be particularly clued up either. When I had blood in the second pregnancy I had a scan at the EPU (which was delayed - so I was absolutely desperate for the loo as you have to have a full bladder). I was prepared for the worst. But they saw a tiny heartbeat and wished us many congratulations. 3 days later it was all over again. That still baffles me.

I'm sorry for the essay, I had only planned on leaving a small message to say I'm sorry, it's shit, and you're not alone but somehow I have ended up blathering on.

For me, it's a constant thing in my life. I think about it every day, every hour or more sometimes and it's very hard to get past it especially when you don't know what the future holds.

Sending love and hope

@sadgrizzly I think it is still pregnancy hormones making you tired, mixed with the shock and sadness as well as blood loss. There is so much going on physically and emotionally it's no surprise that it wipes you out. I was absolutely finished.
What I think is also normal is insomnia, so you're wiped out all day then wake in the night and your head is a mass of thoughts and anxiety. so you're missing vital sleep at night and I also don't think the sleep we do have during this shitty time is quality sleep.

I'd recommend a good iron supplement (I use Feroglobin with is really gentle on the stomach) and some vitamin D (spray is supposedly absorbed better than tablets).

Mostly just rest whenever you can. It's a huge trauma and you need lots of time x