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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be bloody done with "D" H and thinking he's had more than enough chances.

167 replies

DivorceIsOnTheHorizon · 22/02/2020 19:34

We've been together 6 years this years married for 3 (the last two being rough as hell)

He's always been... useless however less so now than when we first met. He was by definition a man child (couldn't cook, couldn't wash his own things, use a dishwasher etc It got to the point when I had DC2 I had to write him pictures/details instructions on how to use the dishwasher/washing machine etc whilst I recovered from my section. Even then I was doing chores he refused to do less than a week later. Despite that I loved him and married him He then proceeded to get worse (believe it or not) and as well as doing nothing round the house he then added in sleeping all the time and by all the time we're talking 40+ hours over the span of 3 days if he wasn't sleeping he was lounging in bed or drinking.

I had enough in 2018 and said unless he changed that was it. He moved back into his mums and it seemed after a long while he improved. Living apart seemed to benefit us but he slowly started to slip.

It all came to a head yesterday Im currently pregnant suffering with PGP/SPD, being the main parent to DS1/2 as well as working. The midwife has told me the usual of no heavy lifting/take it easy etc but if I don't do anything it just doesn't get done. for example I went to see my mum with DS1, I asked him to take the suitcase upstairs when I got home. It sat there for 2 weeks before I finally dragged it upstairs, the washing I asked him to put on sits there until I do it.

He sits on his phone whilst I do dinner for everyone cause If I don't nobody else will. Finally yesterday as he watched me take 2 baskets of washing upstairs, supervise the kids upstairs, sorting out their rooms and he sat downstairs "reading the news" I told him if he wasn't going to help with the washing the least he could do was do the kids dinner. He kicked off saying it wasn't his house why should he have to do it and "fuck this shit" before he stormed off to work nearly 2 hours early.

It then came out unbeknown to me that when the kids were going to his he wasn't doing anything with them there! His mum is doing their washing, dinners/lunch/breakfast, tidying up after them. He forgets to wash them or to tell them to brush their teeth and they're confined to the spare room and his room in the upstairs of his house. DS1 doesn't even have a bed frame for his bed as he took it away saying it was "too noisy" and DS2 sleeps in bed with him (Despite myself, the SENCo team etc telling him that him doing things like that hinders DS2).

I told him I was tired of either badgering him to do the most simplest of things or having to just do them myself with no help which lately means Im struggling to walk by the end of the day, because "I'll do it tomorrow" really means never. Apparently I'm being unreasonable and its unreasonable and selfish of me to expect him to help me when he goes to work.

AIBU in thinking fuck this shit and applying for a divorce?

OP posts:
Tellmetruth4 · 22/02/2020 20:34

I can’t get over the fact you found this loser attractive enough to continue to sleep with him and have 2 children. Your child doesn’t even have a bed.

You need to explore why you’ve stayed and had children with this poor excuse for a man (as he was clearly useless from before you had kids with him) to ensure you don’t end up in the same situation with any future partners.

You also clearly need to look at your contraception.

Collision · 22/02/2020 20:35

No excuses to be pregnant by him again.

Utterly ridiculous man.

Get rid and take him for every penny you can

VettiyaIruken · 22/02/2020 20:35

YANBU.
You have given him more chances than most would!

You got together and he was lazy and useless.

You had a kid with him and he continued to be lazy and useless.

You married him and he continued to be lazy and useless.

You got pregnant again and he continued to be lazy and useless.

He's been completely consistent.

Not sure at what point you expected him to morph into a different person when selfish, lazy twat has served him so well so far but yeah, time to wave bye bye to the useless twonk.

ThatFriendsReunion · 22/02/2020 20:35

Despite that I loved him and married him

why oh why do people do that?

Well, it's done, but yanbu to get out now. Stop having sex with him and giving more siblings to your kids though.

DojaCat · 22/02/2020 20:37

I thought the coil was one of the best contraceptives out there with an almost non existent fail rate.

Shit! I've got the copper and had it for 2 years now and haven't used condoms since insertion. Just how can you get pregnant on it? Did it get knocked out of place?

Notimeforaname · 22/02/2020 20:37

I feel for you OP.
You know yourself he won't change.
I assume you're well equipped to live alone as you're already doing it 50% of the time.
And you already do everything anyway, so cut the dead weight and tell him to leave.

CalleighDoodle · 22/02/2020 20:37

Do you check the strings, doja?

tenlittlecygnets · 22/02/2020 20:38

Why on earth have you had three dc with this waste of space?? Why oh why don't women have higher standards for themselves and their poor dc??

Of course divorce the lazy shit.

Notimeforaname · 22/02/2020 20:39

The first child isn't his.

Straycatstrut · 22/02/2020 20:40

He thinks because he goes out to work all day he should be "looked after" the rest of the time bless him. You weren't doing that properly so he's now at his mums where she's taken up the role presumably? She also looks after his kids for him because you know, come on, he WORKS. He shouldn't have to parent as well!

Someone should tell all the single mums that eh? That we all deserve this free servant to come in and do all the cooking, cleaning and childcare when they finish work. Or shall we just all sulk off to our parents too?

You are SO well rid OP.

AIBU in thinking fuck this shit and applying for a divorce?

What do you think? What would you say to someone else?

Just make damn sure he pays CM for each child. That's something he can't get out of.

Original poster
DivorceIsOnTheHorizon · 22/02/2020 20:40

Well you'll have to get over the fact Im afraid. I do not believe in abortion and its not something I personally could do Hmm so I will proceeded to carry on with my pregnancies after taking measures to prevent them.

I have answered about contraceptive many times. My GP recommends something I take it.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 22/02/2020 20:42

He sounds a totally useless monumental twat. Yes get rid - what a waste of space and oxygen.

Notimeforaname · 22/02/2020 20:42

I'm sorry you're getting such a hard time here OP. I wish you the best of luck and congratulations on your pregnancy.

CalleighDoodle · 22/02/2020 20:42

Wheres the father to ds1?

DrManhattan · 22/02/2020 20:42

Ignore all the contraception comments. I am sure you are more than well aware and they are not helpful.
I would ask him to leave perm. His mum has enabled his poor behaviour and it wont get any better.

poopbear · 22/02/2020 20:43

How can you even find him attractive enough to sleep with him!!?? Yuck. Lazy man child. Get rid and move on!

PotholeParadise · 22/02/2020 20:43

There's no point castigating her for contraceptive failure now. All forms can fail, and some women are more fertile and so are more likely to experience failure.

If the hormone dose in the injection wasn't enough to stop OP ovulating, what's she supposed to do? Get a TARDIS and tell her younger self to use something else?

The problem is the H who has full autonomy not to be a lazy pillock and chooses not to use it.

stophuggingme · 22/02/2020 20:43

I would have killed him by now
He’s useless

Hollyhobbi · 22/02/2020 20:44

Somehow I doubt the OP will get any maintenance for her children from this waster. He sleeps for 40 hours after drinking? Did I read that right? He doesn't work does he? And his mother is worse for doing everything for him. Have my first ltb OP. You and the kiddies will be better off with him gone.

1Morewineplease · 22/02/2020 20:44

I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation but I’d have to say that some of your situation is your fault. You realised, some time ago, that he wasn’t pulling his weight in the realationship yet you went on to have two accidental babies with him.
You deserve more than what he is offering but your children deserve way much more than that.
Do you want your children to grow up having a role model like your absent, negligent partner?
You need to try and find your self respect.

Original poster
DivorceIsOnTheHorizon · 22/02/2020 20:45

@DojaCat they removed the coil with DS2 it had moved unbeknown to me.

@tenlittlecygnets Read up.

@Straycatstrut Oh hands down I'd of told them to walk on out by now, however I have always been one to give good advice whilst simultaneously ignoring my own.

OP posts:
TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 22/02/2020 20:45

I'm staggered you'd have 3 children who has no intention of acting like an adult. His Mum has enabled him and you're just carrying on after her.

Sorry, but I agree with this. I do also think that some people attract manchildren and some others make them. I count myself among the latter so I’m making a conscious effort not to mother my partner and let him deal with stuff alone, without suggestions or nagging.

Interestingly, it is working, things may not be done exactly to my specification but are getting done.

Original poster
DivorceIsOnTheHorizon · 22/02/2020 20:49

@CalleighDoodle Couldn't tell you and couldn't give a flying fuck where he is. Last I physically saw of him was in court for rape and DV against me When DS1 was little.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 22/02/2020 20:51

The reason I asked was because i wondered if ds1’s dad was utterly awful and so by comparison this absolute waste if space was an improvement, and that’s why you were hesitating over ending it.

Have you had counselling?

Cornettoninja · 22/02/2020 20:52

@DivorceIsOnTheHorizon, not what you came on here to talk about but I’ve seen articles mentioning that there’s research showing that hormonal contraception is less effective in some women (to the point you may as well be using the withdrawal method) . I don’t have any links saved unfortunately but it may be something you want to look into in case you have a girl and there’s a possibility of it being inherited.