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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish DH would save more money

84 replies

onabudget · 22/02/2020 07:08

Overall DH is a great husband, I love him to bits and we have a very happy life together. However, we have completely different priorities when it comes to money and I’m finding it really hard to deal with!

In a nutshell, I’m really keen to save as much money as possible to spend on home improvements, to set aside for a rainy day and to put towards a holiday and our first baby, who is due this summer. He’s far more of a “live for the moment and enjoy yourself now” type of guy - so if he fancies a spontaneous meal out at a restaurant he’ll do it, whereas I’d rather eat at home and save the cash.

We run our own business together so have a joint income and pay ourselves a set amount each month to cover everything - mortgage, bills and spending money.

I’m keen to put £500 a month (£250 each) aside from our salaries into a savings account, which we have been managing to do in recent months. We currently have £2600 of savings in total.

However, DH regularly uses up all his spending money a week or two before payday and will dip into savings for another £200 here and there to tide himself over until the end of the month. This frustrates me as it obviously reduces the money we have set aside!

Our money breakdown is roughly something like this:

Salary: £2000 each (after tax)
Mortgage: £700 each
Savings: £250 each
Bills (council tax, gas, electric, water, internet, phone, TV, pet insurance): £185 each
Mobile phones: £50 each
Food: £200 total (paid by me!)
Pet food: £100 total (also paid by me!)
Food top-ups and treats for DH and I during the month: £80 total (paid by DH)

The amount left over is spending money for us to use as we wish. As you can see, DH has significantly more spending money than I do, because I pay for most of the food shop and pet food. I do this deliberately because I know that if I don’t, he’ll run out of spending money even sooner in the month! Whereas I spend far less and am much better at managing my money. I also recognise that saving and home improvements are a priority for me and not him.

However, recently DH was fed-up as he was short of cash (again) and had to cancel meeting a friend for drinks after I asked him not to take any more money out of the savings account this month (he’s already had £150) and have a frugal week until payday.

AIBU for wishing he’d be more careful with money and make saving a priority? Or am I being overly controlling with money and should I adopt a more “live and let live” attitude?

OP posts:

Pukkatea · 22/02/2020 07:21

YANBU. What are you doing about a pension etc? He should be able to have fun on what looks to be about 700 pounds spending money a month! Does he plan on keeping up this arrangement of spending and fun times when the baby arrives?

GinDaddy · 22/02/2020 07:24

userxx · 22/02/2020 07:28

I'm the same as you op and would also feel very frustrated. Him dipping into the savings isn't on, especially when it's just for drinks with mates etc. He also needs to be paying half of the food bill.

oooompa · 22/02/2020 07:33

I would find that massively frustrating OP, and it's not fair you should take on the financial responsibility for food shopping and pet food as well.

I know it doesn't stop your DPs overspending but can you put your monthly savings into a regular saver that either doesn't allow withdrawals or has a penalty for withdrawals so the funds aren't as tempting to access? I find I dip into my easy access savings account as its linked to my online banking and there isn't a penalty for doing so, but my main savings goes to a regular saver and if I make a withdrawal from that I forfeit the 5% interest so I've never felt tempted to withdraw.

I think you need to have a sit down with him and go over your short term and long term savings goals, maybe with approx figures of what each thing you want to do will cost and how long you think it will take for you to save that amount. You need to be on the same page otherwise I think you'll end up massively resenting him for wasting money, using savings and pushing your home improvements back when he could learn to manage his finances better.

Original poster

onabudget · 22/02/2020 07:35

He’s really not great at budgeting, but I don’t feel I can sit down with him and help him draw one up, as that does seem a bit heavy-handed and controlling! He’s not a child after all.

I know we could just save less (say £100 or £200 a month) but I’m keen to build up a good amount in savings fairly quickly, especially with a baby on the way.

OP posts:

MarieG10 · 22/02/2020 07:36

He is financially irresponsible. You should not exist without saving unless you are unfortunate to not have a choice, which you do.

You need to have a serious conversation with him as he won't get better and when responsibilities increase such as having a baby...you will struggle

oooompa · 22/02/2020 07:37

In that case he's going to keep on spending his money and dipping into savings.

PooWillyBumBum · 22/02/2020 07:38

This would frustrate me too. Have you considered an app like You Need a Budget? Or a direct debit out to hard to access savings on the 1st of each month? Perhaps a stocks and shares ISA which requires a couple of days to pull money from?

Original poster

onabudget · 22/02/2020 07:38

Okay, scratch my last post - maybe you’re right and a proper chat is the only way!

OP posts:

Lllot5 · 22/02/2020 07:41

I think I’m right in saying that money issues are one of the main reasons for divorce. You need to get this sorted before the baby arrives and you take time off work. It’ll only get worse.

FlowerArranger · 22/02/2020 07:42

Oh dear.

This is not going to get better.

Financial incompatibility is as bad, if not worse, than sexual incompatibility.

Direwolfwrangler · 22/02/2020 07:45

I would consider changing your savings account to one that is hard to access. Speak to your bank and see what else they offer.

I agree with those who say do a budget together. Point out clearly that you pay for all the food as well.

Original poster

onabudget · 22/02/2020 07:45

We could pay ourselves a little bit more from the business each month, but I’m keen to have decent cash reserves in case of emergencies and good cash flow.

OP posts:

HomeMadeMadness · 22/02/2020 07:47

I would set up a regular savers account or other higher interest account with a notice period to remove money. It's not fair he has more spending money and can just dip into savings. He needs to learn to budget and he won't do that if he has a big pool of money he can dip into whenever he feels like it.

noenergy · 22/02/2020 07:47

I would have a separate saving account just for yourself as what is the point of saving if he is regularly accessing it and withdrawing money

OliviaBenson · 22/02/2020 07:49

It's weird you split the mortgage costs etc into a per person basis, do you not have a joint account?

You do need a chat though as your income will decrease while you are on maternity leave - how will he deal with that?

Thisisshit123 · 22/02/2020 07:51

Oh god I can relate husband bad with money always needing more, always peeing friends, always spending his spare money in a day or 2,me having to the fork out for extras! Here we are split up for the past 7 weeks and it's been heartbreaking. I don't know what the best solution is, I don't know if they can change, it's completely selfish and the stress and living on edge and anxiety it brings and questioning of why and what they're doing ejth the money is frustrating when you know you could have more to save or spend better! It's selfishly quite nice knowing my husband wasn't the only financially challenged to put it nicely, person

Thisisshit123 · 22/02/2020 07:52

Oweing friends*

MooocowNZ · 22/02/2020 07:53

You have a baby on the way so now is the perfect time to bring up the financial situation and get a budget sorted and agreed upon, a good excuse to get the conversation started... Especially since if you're already taking on more than your share of costs then you will end up resenting him massively WHEN you take on full financial responsibility for your child and he's still blowing money on drinks with friends!

oooompa · 22/02/2020 07:56

I think airing any financial issues as soon as possible before the baby arrives is definitely needed!

I was the spender in our relationship, my DP barely spends anything as he is either working or usually at home. I had to put myself on a strict budget as I was constantly worried about money, we always ran out middle of the month even though on paper we should have a decent disposable income. And turns out 8t was mainly me wasting money on food/takeaways/clothes that we didn't really need. Its a relief to finally feel like I'm in control and, even though being on a budget and having to say no to certain things is rubbish, we now actually end the month with a little bit in our bank instead of desperately waiting for payday or tax credits to arrive.

Fingers crossed it goes well and congratulations on your baby 💐

autumnboys · 22/02/2020 07:57

Have a look at YNAB (I always say this on these threads!). It changed our lives. You need to get this sorted ASAP, or it’ll be you covering all the baby’s costs too and growing resentful about it.

BarbaraofSeville · 22/02/2020 07:59

£500 pm savings isn't that much considering that you have nothing in the budget for holidays, broken cars, pets and washing machines, Christmas and probably a whole load of other things. These things could probably take up most of your savings so they won't build up by much as they're not really savings, more bills that will arise but just haven't yet.

Will your income drop when your baby is born, will you have to pay childcare when you go back to work or are you both planning to combine working and childcare between you?

Yes, you do need a proper chat, but the problem is that it sounds like he's not thinking long term. Do you have pensions for example? It sounds like at the moment, he's spending money like water, and while you have a reasonably decent income, it's precarious as you're self employed, what would happen if one of you became ill and couldn't work, or the demand for your product/service dropped significantly?

You do need a proper chat and he needs to see that you need to allow for annual and irregular essentials and be able to do things like go on holiday before spending hundreds of pounds a month on going out drinking and whatever other fun he's having. He's not going to be able to continue doing that when the baby comes is he anyway? He also needs to pay 50% of things like food and pet food, as they're a joint expense, as is anything else needed by the house or the baby you're having.

Trahira · 22/02/2020 08:04

YANBU to find this frustrating - and unfair, as you're shouldering a greater proportion of the shared expenses.

However, I don't think it's quite as simple as sitting down with him and explaining that you're right! People do have different attitudes towards spending and saving and that's not unreasonable in itself.

So I think a chat about budgeting is a really good idea, but you have to be prepared to be flexible too. If DH would genuinely prefer to have a bit more spending money and save less, you should be open to compromise on that.

Maybe a solution would be for you to have a separate savings account. You could save up for a really nice holiday if that's what you'd like to do. Yes it's unfair that you'd be contributing more, but it would mean that you could choose somewhere you really wanted to go.

It's unrealistic to think that he'll change completely on this matter.

Pukkatea · 22/02/2020 08:12

You wont solve the problem by paying yourselves more. He will just spend more.

BaolFan · 22/02/2020 08:13

YANBU.

You are paying more of the household expenses and he is still needing to dip into savings to subsidise his socialising.

A proper sit down chat with some bank statements and a calculator is in order. He shouldn't be spending what he doesn't have.

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