To wish DH would save more money

[onabudget]

Overall DH is a great husband, I love him to bits and we have a very happy life together. However, we have completely different priorities when it comes to money and I’m finding it really hard to deal with!

In a nutshell, I’m really keen to save as much money as possible to spend on home improvements, to set aside for a rainy day and to put towards a holiday and our first baby, who is due this summer. He’s far more of a “live for the moment and enjoy yourself now” type of guy - so if he fancies a spontaneous meal out at a restaurant he’ll do it, whereas I’d rather eat at home and save the cash.

We run our own business together so have a joint income and pay ourselves a set amount each month to cover everything - mortgage, bills and spending money.

I’m keen to put £500 a month (£250 each) aside from our salaries into a savings account, which we have been managing to do in recent months. We currently have £2600 of savings in total.

However, DH regularly uses up all his spending money a week or two before payday and will dip into savings for another £200 here and there to tide himself over until the end of the month. This frustrates me as it obviously reduces the money we have set aside!

Our money breakdown is roughly something like this:

Salary: £2000 each (after tax)
Mortgage: £700 each
Savings: £250 each
Bills (council tax, gas, electric, water, internet, phone, TV, pet insurance): £185 each
Mobile phones: £50 each
Food: £200 total (paid by me!)
Pet food: £100 total (also paid by me!)
Food top-ups and treats for DH and I during the month: £80 total (paid by DH)

The amount left over is spending money for us to use as we wish. As you can see, DH has significantly more spending money than I do, because I pay for most of the food shop and pet food. I do this deliberately because I know that if I don’t, he’ll run out of spending money even sooner in the month! Whereas I spend far less and am much better at managing my money. I also recognise that saving and home improvements are a priority for me and not him.

However, recently DH was fed-up as he was short of cash (again) and had to cancel meeting a friend for drinks after I asked him not to take any more money out of the savings account this month (he’s already had £150) and have a frugal week until payday.

AIBU for wishing he’d be more careful with money and make saving a priority? Or am I being overly controlling with money and should I adopt a more “live and let live” attitude?

So let me get this straight, you spend more on joint expenses so he doesn’t spend more of your joint savings than he already does.

He is a child when it comes to money and you are the parent. He essentially has more money to spend than you and uses the joint savings account as a secondary personal account. Switch to an account with greater withdrawal restrictions.

Firstly, you need to stop making excuses for him, stop enabling him, stop subsidising him and to stop acting like you have shared goals.

He isn’t a child but he’s acting like one and it’s time you have a grown up conversation. Don’t let yourself be manipulated by his teenage postering.

Savings needs to be a top line on your budget, ie another “bill”, not something that comes out of what’s left. You need to open some regular saver accounts and have the money paid in by direct debit and have it locked down for 1, 5, 10, whatever years as fits your savings goals so he can’t just spend it. It’s not savings if he just uses it as a second current account.

Then he needs to be honest about how much “pocket money” he needs. Many years ago when we were very young and there was way more month than money my husband started “paying himself” weekly, in that his fun money went into his own account every week and when he’d spent it, tough. He still does this as he just finds it easier to budget. He’s got a Monzo account which is brilliant for tracking spending and showing you where your money goes.

I don’t know if you just haven’t mentioned it, but you don’t seem to have any pension provision. If not, you need to get that sorted PDQ. Also, how are you planning to financially cover your maternity and/or paternity leave, or is your business one that you can go back to pretty much straight away?

I understand why you pay for the food and pet food - because otherwise he will run out of money sooner - but you are simply enabling him. You MUST set that right and pay equally for food and pets because this is simply exacerbating his irresponsibility and fecklessness. If he runs out of money sooner - that’s his learning curve - he has less money to waste. He needs to know how much life actually costs. And he needs to learn to be responsible with a baby on the way.

Savings needs to be a top line on your budget, ie another bill

^^ This

Do you have a joint account?

If you paid £4k pm into there, and all bills, grocery shopping including pet food, essential travel, savings for annual and irregular expenses, plus any other joint savings came out of there and you generally didn't touch the money in there for anything else would that work?

If you also work out a monthly amount to be transferred to a personal account for each of you to spend on a 'when it's gone it's gone' basis, it will mean that he can't overspend, but you'd need to be strict or else he'd run out of money in less than a month and come looking for more.

I second putting savings in an account that needs notice. Maybe keep 100-500 in easy access savings. What you need to do is tally up his spending into categories (drinking, takeaways etc) and show him what he's spending. Show him yours too and ask him why exactly he feels the need to spend so much on his social life. Then try to agree some long term goals you'll aim for together.

Another thing is you should both really be saving more than #500 a month with an income of #4000.

Yanbu I agree with pp you need to try to nip this in the bud. I get that he might be great in other ways but actually this behaviour is really selfish and might just get worse once the baby arrives.
I have a friend whose husband is just like this, I think they would have gone bankrupt if it wasn't for her bailing him out. They have 2 dcs and have almost lost their house and are constantly up to their eyeballs in debt but still have the latest car etc on credit. She can only reign him in so much and as soon as they get any money he's planning on spending it again, it's almost a compulsion for him. It causes her a great amount of stress. If you can put in place a system that works before the baby is born I think you'll save yourself a lot of angst. Stay strong on this op and good luck!

I'd be very irritated by this level of irresponsibility, especially with a baby on the way. A couple of grand isn't much of a savings buffer. I appreciate that for many people, that's more than they could ever spare but you have a decent income coming in and no childcare costs yet.

It’s a form of disrespect IMO that he feels ok leaving you to shoulder more of the joint expenses while he merrily continues on like a single man.
Does he want the same things as you? Does he want the baby to have a nice life, a nice home, holidays, stability, security etc? If he doesn’t, the question is why doesn’t he want those things for his child? I’d want him to explain himself to that level, in the hope that maybe the penny will drop.
If the penny doesn’t drop, then I’m afraid he’s just a selfish arse and you’ll have to get tough with him in terms of his access to your joint savings etc. Shit as that will feel to have to “discipline” the adult you chose to be your equal partner in life. You and your baby can’t afford to allow him to fuck about any longer.
I feel for you OP, and I’m frustrated on your behalf

Could you suggest he pays food and bills the first two weeks of the month, and you the second two weeks? That way he won't have run out when it's his turn to chip in.

Trying to run a business and have a baby with someone who doesn’t agree on money is always going to be really really tough.

There’s no easy way around it. You need to agree a budget and both of you stick to it. As PP have said, all your joint expenses ( inc food, dog food, anything for the baby ) need to come out of the joint account.

If he overspends one month, he has to cancel his night out, not you.

You need to look at phone costs ( why are they so dear ? Why don’t they go through the business ) and add on your pension. You should be putting as much as you can into this now.

How are you both going to manage on maternity leave ? Are you self employed or is your business a limited company ? Do you get maternity pay or just SMP?

What are your plans for child care when you go back to work ? If you are struggling now, it will be a lot tougher when you have childcare to pay for. Have you costed this into your budget ?

I think you're right, a serious chat about money is needed.

Childcare is sorted - we have a limited company and taking some maternity leave has already been costed for, plus we're very lucky in that we have family support close by.

Shit as that will feel to have to “discipline” the adult you chose to be your equal partner in life.

It does feel a bit crap to be honest - it would be so much easier if we were just on the same page with this!

At the moment we have separate accounts (his account is in permanent overdraft but he assures me the fees are next to nothing!) The mortgage comes out of my account and the other bills out of his.

I like @BarbaraofSeville's suggestion of having a joint account for all bills - I will look into that.

Another option would be to transfer all bills to my account, so at least he can manage his outgoings better. He will know that every penny he gets on payday is spending money and once it's gone, it's gone! I think that could make it easier for him to budget.

If he overspends one month, he has to cancel his night out, not you.

I agree - which is what I asked him to do recently. I don't think he understands the concept of "once it's gone, it's gone!"

A harder to access savings account is also another option (thanks for that suggestion) but he also has a debit card that links to our joint business account. If he couldn't dip into savings, I'd worry that he'd start dipping into the business instead!

Does he want the same things as you? Does he want the baby to have a nice life, a nice home, holidays, stability, security etc?

I think you're right, that's what it boils down to at the end of the day. It's not just about us anymore. If it's a choice between drinks with his mates or saving to give the baby a nice life, then I know he would choose the latter. The problem is he seems to think he can have it all, when sadly, he can't!

Your mortgage is very high. I pay thr same for mortgage plus childcare. We bring in slightly less than you. Some months we save. But we try very hard to.

Another option would be to transfer all bills to my account, so at least he can manage his outgoings better. He will know that every penny he gets on payday is spending money and once it's gone, it's gone! I think that could make it easier for him to budget.

But that’s just further encouraging his irresponsibility. You’re taking over the adult role and he becomes the teenage boy given pocket money. Why should the responsibility of bills fall on you?

I think you should increase his responsibilities rather than decrease them.

Has he agreed the amount you're saving every month and the amount of individual spends you both get? If he has, YANBU and when it's gone it's gone.

If he hasn't, and you've decided on behalf of the both of you, I think it's a bit unreasonable. He needs to be part of that conversation, and you may find he has different priorities to you. That doesn't make you wrong, but it does potentially make the two of you incompatible.

are you sure he wants the same as you for the future?

Because his behaviour says otherwise.

Considering you buy most of the food ( why are you doing this?) Hes getting through a load of money!

You need a serious chat. I'd be keeping my savings separate from him unless you're on the same page.

I was in a very similar situation. I took on all the budgeting and financial responsibilities whilst he continued to spend and not see an issue.
It's very wearing being the financial adult as it were and, two dcs down we got divorced. Now my household income is less than half of his but he's the one with masses of debt whilst I'm building a very nice life for myself.
Moral is, financial incompatibility leeches into all aspects of your life and leads to resentment.
Best of luck OP.

If he hasn't, and you've decided on behalf of the both of you, I think it's a bit unreasonable.

I admit that I did decide this on behalf of both of us, which you're right, is probably unreasonable. But if I hadn't, we'd more than likely have £0 in the savings account by now and we need to start buying some stuff for the baby soon!

I also agree your savings account needs to be one that needs notice.

There is no way round his need to learn to budget. A locked savings account, paying all bills equally, and a joint account for bills.

If it's a choice between drinks with his mates or saving to give the baby a nice life, then I know he would choose the latter.

But he’s not choosing the latter he’s choosing the former. He could be saving for a baby right now but he’s not - he’s thinking about drinks with his mates. Many people like to have a good wodge of savings in the bank before a baby’s arrival - you have worryingly low savings for someone who is about to have a child. And he keeps dipping into them.

This will continue.

It's very wearing being the financial adult as it were

Yes, it is wearing - that is exactly the way I would describe it!

The only saving grace to all of this is that we don't currently have any debts (well, apart from the mortgage). So it could be worse I suppose.

£100 a month on mobiles? That could be reduced right down and the savings put in your saver pot

But if I hadn't, we'd more than likely have £0 in the savings account by now and we need to start buying some stuff for the baby soon!

Quite.

But he’s not choosing the latter he’s choosing the former. He could be saving for a baby right now but he’s not - he’s thinking about drinks with his mates.

True.

his account is in permanent overdraft but he assures me the fees are next to nothing

He needs to look at this as a matter of urgency as soon the overdraft will attract annual interest of 40%. Look on money saving expert for information and advice.

Another one that thinks all bills including food, pet food, pet insurance, purchases for baby etc should come out of a new joint account. Personal spends transferred to personal account and yes when it’s gone it’s gone!

Ask him again about that overdraft onabudget the rules are changing in April and most banks will be putting interest rates up significantly. I never use my overdraft but have had a letter from the bank notifying me of the changes - has he had a letter?