To wish DH would save more money

[onabudget]

Overall DH is a great husband, I love him to bits and we have a very happy life together. However, we have completely different priorities when it comes to money and I’m finding it really hard to deal with!

In a nutshell, I’m really keen to save as much money as possible to spend on home improvements, to set aside for a rainy day and to put towards a holiday and our first baby, who is due this summer. He’s far more of a “live for the moment and enjoy yourself now” type of guy - so if he fancies a spontaneous meal out at a restaurant he’ll do it, whereas I’d rather eat at home and save the cash.

We run our own business together so have a joint income and pay ourselves a set amount each month to cover everything - mortgage, bills and spending money.

I’m keen to put £500 a month (£250 each) aside from our salaries into a savings account, which we have been managing to do in recent months. We currently have £2600 of savings in total.

However, DH regularly uses up all his spending money a week or two before payday and will dip into savings for another £200 here and there to tide himself over until the end of the month. This frustrates me as it obviously reduces the money we have set aside!

Our money breakdown is roughly something like this:

Salary: £2000 each (after tax)
Mortgage: £700 each
Savings: £250 each
Bills (council tax, gas, electric, water, internet, phone, TV, pet insurance): £185 each
Mobile phones: £50 each
Food: £200 total (paid by me!)
Pet food: £100 total (also paid by me!)
Food top-ups and treats for DH and I during the month: £80 total (paid by DH)

The amount left over is spending money for us to use as we wish. As you can see, DH has significantly more spending money than I do, because I pay for most of the food shop and pet food. I do this deliberately because I know that if I don’t, he’ll run out of spending money even sooner in the month! Whereas I spend far less and am much better at managing my money. I also recognise that saving and home improvements are a priority for me and not him.

However, recently DH was fed-up as he was short of cash (again) and had to cancel meeting a friend for drinks after I asked him not to take any more money out of the savings account this month (he’s already had £150) and have a frugal week until payday.

AIBU for wishing he’d be more careful with money and make saving a priority? Or am I being overly controlling with money and should I adopt a more “live and let live” attitude?

Ask him again about that overdraft onabudget the rules are changing in April and most banks will be putting interest rates up significantly. I never use my overdraft but have had a letter from the bank notifying me of the changes - has he had a letter?

I've recently had a letter about this, not sure if he has. Interestingly my bank is actually decreasing overdraft charges from April!

Why isn’t your business paying for the mobiles, broadband etc?

Maybe buy mobile phones outright from your business, instead of an expensive monthly contract? This is what my husband and I did when we ran a business together.

My monthly expenditure for calls, data and messages etc is £7.50 - on giffgaff.

Maybe buy mobile phones outright from your business, instead of an expensive monthly contract?

That's a good idea - assuming we have enough money left in the business if we switch to a hard to access savings account and DH starts dipping into the business instead! (Only half joking)

My DH will spend like water. I'm much more frugal. We have made it work. We had to have a big talk first about what our priorities were. They were getting the house sorted, holidays and an emergency pot. We have a plan for how much we need and when. It's much easier to save if there is a goal rather than just saving for savings sake.
We have one account where all the money goes in, then separate our spends into different accounts. The food, any regular spend for the kids, bills, savings and pet bills are taken out first. Basically any joint spends.
This means we can spend money and won't effect the other. We do not go back to the other account ever! It's a rule we both have decided.
We couldn't have done this unless we both decided what our priorities are. We are both better at planning, not perfect but getting there

How can you run a business with someone you can’t trust not to steal money from the business ????!!! Who does your accounts ?

OP, great advice above.

You are right to be concerned.

He is making you into his mother, being the responsible one.

Did he want a baby? Because he's certainly not sounding like he wants to grow up.

Protect yourself financially, because it sounds like you have a very immature person on your hands, and you are going to get very fed up of this.

If you pay all the food bills now, how is that going to work when you are on maternity leave?

As others have said, our set up is a joint account for everything essential, and then we both have money in our joint accounts with no overdraft for ‘fun’. I run mine down to £0 every month but that’s literally my dinners out/drinks/clothes shopping fund. If I paid for a round of drinks out of the joint account DH would be cross and vice versa.

We’re in a similar boat with a baby due this summer and saving is a number one priority for us at the moment (aiming to have 3 months joint salary as a cushion for a rainy day, definitely not going to achieve that by my due date but trying our hardest!). It does sound like you’re not on the same page priorities right now and I think a serious chat is unavoidable.

Stop paying for all the food and pet food by yourself. Split these with your husband, and put the difference you save into a personal account or a private pension. You may need a bit more of a buffer when the baby comes, so taking this extra money out if the pot for you later could be very useful. Equally, having a pension fund for later in life will definitely come in handy if DH continues to "live for the moment" without a thought for the future.

You’ve got to look at your own actions here too. When did you decide a good solution was for you to have £220 a month more outgoings than him?
Stop bloody pandering to him!

You know, some people are shit with money. Others are fine with money but don’t save - so, no debts, just spend all they have. They’re not bad people (though it’s drive me crazy in a husband!) But... he thinks it’s acceptable for you to pay out £220 more than him?!! He’s a dick, and greedy - I wouldn’t accept that, and it would kill any respect I had for him. That selfish behaviour would put my marriage in trouble.

Ideally, put the savings in an account he can’t touch - if he agrees that they’re “untouchable”. But at the very least, split the savings in two and keep yours entirely separate. Then, when he can’t afford his half of a holiday, go without him. If that doesn’t sound like a marriage to you - then divorce him.

Absolutely STOP paying £220 a month more than him. I am that you ever decided that was a good idea.

It is worrying that you know deep down he would steal from your joint business if you restricted access to your savings.

As others have said, our set up is a joint account for everything essential, and then we both have money in our joint accounts with no overdraft for ‘fun’. I run mine down to £0 every month but that’s literally my dinners out/drinks/clothes shopping fund. If I paid for a round of drinks out of the joint account DH would be cross and vice versa.

That sounds ideal to me. I'm going to have a serious chat with DH over the weekend and put all this to him. Wish me luck...

Maybe buy mobile phones outright from your business, instead of an expensive monthly contract?

I do this. But it’s expensive to buy mobile phones outright unless, like me, you don’t use your mobile much and thus can get by with a cheap one.

They might need iPhones for their business and an iPhone 11 is £780.

The cost of buying a more mid range phone + cheap contract is comparable to contract including phone over say 24 months.

£500 for a phone + £7.50 a month contract is £680 for 24 months.
Which works out at £29/m.

It only begins to pay if you keep getting phone for say 4 years rather than 2.

Out of interest. Is this new behaviour or getting worse since you became pregnant?

If so I'd be very worried. It's a vulnerable time for you.

Financially incontinent people rarely change. It's usually an uphill struggle that lasts as long as the relationship.
I dont think they are necessarily bad or selfish people, but rather thoughtless. They seem incapable of forward thinking.
The most poignant thing you have said imo OP is 'wish me luck'.
You're going to need it in spades!
A verbal commitment to change his attitude to spending means very little. It needs a deeper understanding than a cursory nod of the head and a few weeks of saving. It needs him to understand how important saving is.

That sounds really tough. It’s such a fundamental aspect of your lives. I’m pretty shocked that he’s happier with you shouldering more of the expenses than him and that you genuinely suspect he may dip into the business account for his personal spending. I couldn’t deal with that level of irresponsibility and selfishness - I must do all the fun things I want irrespective of the consequences or how it impacts others.

I think that you are in a potentially vulnerable position as your household income all comes from one source and that you’re both self employed. If one person’s job was on the line, the other one’s would usually be a source of stability but you have your joint business. Also I’m assuming that affects whether you have paid holidays, paid sick leave, how much your pensions cost etc? As a civil servant my employer’s contribution to my salary is a significant benefit. I echo others that a serious discussion about figures and goals is needed - hope he’s mature enough for it.

My take on this is that financial compatibility is a fundamental aspect of general compatibility.

If you’re talking to him this weekend you really need to impress on him that this is not just a minor niggle. It goes right to the heart of the relationship. That you’ve been indulging him for too long and enabling him to have more ‘spending’ money than you, which he just fritters away. If he doesn’t get a handle on it it could cause serious problems in the relationship.

Dh we need to talk. I’m done pandering to you. We are having a baby for real and I can’t deal with you as a second child, I need you as a my partner.
Do you agree our budget is reasonable? I’m fed up with our savings covering your going out, and won’t stand for it anymore. We either-
Continue on the budget we have, except I’m not paying for all the food and subsidising you anymore, you’re hardly appreciative of my efforts in preparing for our future. So I’m balancing that back out. We need to make the savings account so you can’t get money out on a monthly basis. If you dipped into our business account instead I will leave you.
We can do a joint bills account if that would be easier. You should think about that because I’m hardly going to be affectionate and loving if you are supposed to buy us some food and can’t because you’ve spent it.
If you don’t like that plan we need to separate the savings accounts. I will take what I have contributed, given you take money out every month. I’m not sure our marriage will last If we can’t both save and want my savings separately. We will have a big expense at some point and it will wipe our savings out and I will think dh wanted to go out to dinner a lot and so our family is stuck, and I just can’t see myself staying a family unit when we aren’t your priority. There’s a reason finances are the biggest reason marriages break up.

How about his "spending" money is weekly in cash... he will then have to decide whether to save up to buy birthday gifts or literally spend everything he has every week. He needs to learn the hard way by the sounds of it!

He should know only business costs come out of the business account!

On your figures, your DH has £700 pcm spending money which he spends in excess of and you have £400. I would view it as a joint £1100 pcm that you could potentially allocate elsewhere. That’s a huge mortgage overpayment (if you decide that was a priority and I understand that it wouldn’t appeal to everyone). We have retained an offset mortgage for its flexibility of fund access after tiring of chasing rates every few years.

The disparity in amounts isn’t the issue, it’s the gulf of how you approach your finances which is.

Objectively, you are actively saving so it’s not as if you have nothing to fall back on.

As a saver myself, what on earth is he spending it on? If it’s going out - dinners, drinks and socialising which is easily done, you need a conversation about compromise and potentially paring down the budget gradually.

What about pensions and holidays?

Life is easier if you’re roughly on the same page regarding your financial goals. Also, don’t sweat the small stuff - you have the luxury of a big enough income not to be draconian about every single purchase. It’s different if you have to be ultra careful about budget because the gap between incomings and essential expenditure is small which isn’t the case here.

If you're each putting in £250 pm to savings, but he is taking out £200 'here and there to tide himself over', on a regular basis, every month, is he even saving anything? Surely you are saving, but he is probably even taking some of those savings too?

This is ridiculous OP. You definitely need to talk to him properly about this. If you honestly think his solution would be to just take money from the business instead, I'd be considering my future plans carefully and trying to separate myself as much as possible financially.

You need to spell it out to him that the business account is NOT to be used for anything other than the business. Sorry to say it, but unless your DH changes his spending habits, your marriage won’t survive long term.

My SIL was married to a similar type of man and ended up bankrupt. Please protect yourself financially and keep a close watch on his ‘next to nothing’ bank overdraft charges. I suggest you also do a free credit check in case there are any secret credit cards or other debts.

He needs to get used to cheaper ways of doing the things that are important to him, e.g. if he wants to meet up with his mates, they gather at someone's house instead of going out and spending loads on drinks.

Why are you buying all the food??