To be annoyed at DSS (again)

[Slowforthewin]

Our weekend with DSS. He normally gets dropped to us Friday night as makes sense with the traffic.
DH gets a txt, he doesn't want to come. Exhausted, big week at school etc but he'd get dropped down sat morning. Fine. DH also shattered, had just landed so didn't have the energy to argue.
We get out of the gym, to a txt. DSS really doesn't want to come and I don't have the energy to force him, balls in your court.
DH had already booked and payed for sports tickets for him and DSS. Spent the next 1-2 hours on the phone with DSS trying to get him to explain every possible reason why he won't come.
It's not comfortable. He has his own space, sofa, in his room. Very relaxed household.
I've made plans to play online with a mate. He has everything he needs to play online + private space to do so.
I have assignments to do. He'll have space/time to do these.
Sport is boring. He is sport obsessed.
We are too busy, he doesn't get down time. He gets nothing but down time here.
I'm just so sad for DH. He is such a good dad. But he constantly has to fight to see him. DSS's mum basically says it's his call so if DH forces him to come he looks like the bad guy.
I'm just sick of him picking and choosing the bits he wants from DH and when it doesn't suit him, he just drops DH. AIBU or is this normal for a 12 yr old?

This sounds awful for the child here!

He's growing up and developing independence, which means having his own space/time/autonomy to manage his downtime rather than being ferried around with no say.. yet you see a normal evolution in what is already a complex family arrangement (living across 2 households) as "messing
DH about" and there's 2hrs of coercion to make this poor kid come up with a good enough reason to say what he does with his weekend?

Newsflash: 12 years old is the start of his growing independence... If your DH carries on thinking he's there to serve an emotional need for DH and he can continue the ordering around.. you're in for a rocky teen stage.

I think your DH has behaved terribly here with the guilt tripping. Fine to point out disappointment or highlight the wasted tickets but his reaction was completely emotionally bizarre.

If it makes you feel any better, OP, I would have LOVED to have been able to say this when I was your step-son's age. I was never confident enough in my relationship with my dad to let on that sometimes I wanted to do other things, and he was so set on getting 'his time' with me, that I don't think he ever considered whether I actually wanted to go to his house. I missed out on a lot of stuff, felt isolated and miserable a lot of the time and didn't even have my own room at his house, so was limited in what I could do there.

The fact that he feels comfortable enough to express himself and is happy to be honest with his dad is a good sign in my book. I think you probably need to drop the long chats requiring this child to justify himself and focus instead on what is best for the child in this situation. Your husband may be FIFO and his mother may be tired, but expecting a 12 year old to understand and accommodate that is unrealistic and not really fair.

I understand why your DH is hurt but the boy is 12 and he should be allowed to decide where he stays without pressure being put on him over the phone like that. Give the kid a break, it's hard enough for children to do the 2 house thing.