To be annoyed at DSS (again)

[Slowforthewin]

Our weekend with DSS. He normally gets dropped to us Friday night as makes sense with the traffic.
DH gets a txt, he doesn't want to come. Exhausted, big week at school etc but he'd get dropped down sat morning. Fine. DH also shattered, had just landed so didn't have the energy to argue.
We get out of the gym, to a txt. DSS really doesn't want to come and I don't have the energy to force him, balls in your court.
DH had already booked and payed for sports tickets for him and DSS. Spent the next 1-2 hours on the phone with DSS trying to get him to explain every possible reason why he won't come.
It's not comfortable. He has his own space, sofa, in his room. Very relaxed household.
I've made plans to play online with a mate. He has everything he needs to play online + private space to do so.
I have assignments to do. He'll have space/time to do these.
Sport is boring. He is sport obsessed.
We are too busy, he doesn't get down time. He gets nothing but down time here.
I'm just so sad for DH. He is such a good dad. But he constantly has to fight to see him. DSS's mum basically says it's his call so if DH forces him to come he looks like the bad guy.
I'm just sick of him picking and choosing the bits he wants from DH and when it doesn't suit him, he just drops DH. AIBU or is this normal for a 12 yr old?

Your husband just needs to be more fluid with the weekends arrangements.

Bringringbring that's a great example of how parents who split should recognise that child(ren) must also be allowed choices in their lives. Both parents putting the children's needs first should be the norm.

I’ve met lots of children, through work, with divorced parents. The majority of parents now, try really hard to co-parent well, lots of 50:50 splits, having two of everything (one at each house), turning up together at events, etc.

But I still see the emotional toll it has on children, having to constantly move from home to home.The child gets exhausted by never settling permanently in one place, leaving one home/family in the morning and returning to a different home/family in the evening. It’s really hard for them, even when both parents try to do it as seamlessly as possible.

I’d hate to live in two different homes and can see why, on a Friday night after a long week at school, your SS just wants to stay put. As PP have said, maybe your H could arrange to see him for a meal or activity and then drop him off back at his mum’s to sleep.

@Gran22

Thank you. It works, it really works. Both children happy and whilst either my ex or I sometimes miss out. We don’t hold it against the other as we know they have also missed out occasionally. Plus - we get the happiness of knowing that whilst the overall situation (split parents) is not the ideal, we are making sacrifices that result in the impact being reduced.

And nothing like feeling you are doing a decent job at parenting to put a spring i NBC your step!

It’s pretty normal, and actually will probably get worse before it gets better. Even the best teens can be selfish and self-centred.

My DS14 does whinge from time to time about not wanting to go to his dads ... my house is probably a better setup for him plus he has his dog at mine ... but it’s only whinging and laziness so I just tell him he’s going and he does go with only an initial grumble.

My partners DD17 goes through stages where she may not come to ours for a few weeks ... she has her own car, her school and social life is a bit closer to her mum’s house than ours. On the other hand about a year ago she had a big fight with her mum and wouldn’t go there at all for 2-3 months.

I don’t think there’s anything your DH can do if his ex isn’t telling your DSS too bad he IS going. Your DH will only come off as a bit desperate and won’t win anyway, pestering his son on the phone about it for that long is not the approach to take, DSS will soon work out that dad will do anything to keep him sweet and you’ll end up with Disney dad parenting. Best your husband can do is express disappointment without going overboard, make some alternative suggestions and if they’re rejected then it’s an ok we’ll see you next time. A 5 min conversation. This isn’t about your DSS rejecting his dad and favouring his mum, it’s just teens being teens and doing what suits them for whatever reason enters their head, which they probably can’t articulate to themselves half the time anyway.

Guilt-tripping someone to spend time with you is never a good idea.

Your DH just needs to accept DSSs decision, while also letting DSS know that he is always there for him.

2 hours interrogating him? How awkward.

What’s with this “teenagers are arseholes” attitude? Jesus, it’s not just the teenagers is it?! Anyway he’s not a teenager, he’s 12 and he’s not an arsehole he’s a normal child.

My friend’s boys were just the same when they got to this age. They start secondary school, there’s more going on at weekends, they are in teams and their mates do stuff in town, but they have to miss it to schlep off to their other parent’s house. On Monday, everyone is talking about the weekend and they feel left out. It’s perfectly normal (although it doesn’t make it any less hurtful for the NRP).

OP your husband will just have to be more flexible. Drop the set visiting schedule and work out with your step son when he wants to come.

I think if you can get the mum on board with trying to get dss to open up about why he didn't want to come might be the way forward if he wouldn't discuss it with his dad. He might not even know why he didn't want to come. Maybe he just didn't fancy it. He's a child and he doesnt have the emotional maturity to articulate the way he is feeling. My dss has said similar in the past so we made some tweaks and he's much happier to come here now (to do with how he was able to play games online with his friends which was more important to him than we perhaps realised. It took a while of gentle questioning to actually get that this was the problem out of him) but we expect it to raise its head again in the future. I like the point above about how children should have a say in how the split lives that have been forced on them should be lived. Makes a lot of sense and as 12yo is a funny age - not a little child any more but they're starting to work out who they are and how they fit into the world - maybe he's trying out some independent choices?

It is normal, my daughter went through this phase too, her dad did similar and questioned her, now she won't be open with him any more, and would rather lie than go through the questioning.

If your DH. Wants to see his DS can he compromise? Pick him up from his mum's do the activity then drop him back there?

I have to say I'd HATE to be uprooted every weekend. It sounds exhausting

And yeah 2 hours of interrogation from your dh is way too much. Wait till you see him in person next if you have to.

My boys are only 10 & 9 but we don’t have fixed plans anymore. They will ask “ can I ring dad and go over are we doing anything?” Or hell message on the morning “I’m free Thursday am I okay to get kids after school for dinner” They seem to respond better now it’s not fixed and they have something to do with the decision.

Me and their dad don’t mind it either.

Your husband is massively unreasonable to spend two hours pressurising home on the phone - that's only going to put him off, surely?!

He's twelve. He wants to slob out in his to, eat Doritos and play video games. He doesn't want to traipse to his dads house - I know that sounds harsh but it's true. He just wants time to chill in his own home with his mates. That's normal and if his parents weren't separated nobody would even question it.

Unfortunately it's one of the downsides of not living with your children.

I agree with the other PP.
However, like @Sobeyondthehills, the Sport ticket thing is not on at all.

Did DSS know of these Sport plans OP?

The DC of this age I know who have been relics to visit their DF do it because they are angry their DF left in the first place, and are giving them a taste of their own medicine. It doesn't matter that it might have been the DM who asked the DF to leave or that the DF has no choice, it doesn't stop the DC being angry and making a point once they're old enough.

And tbh, you don't sound that laid back if your DSS not coming is so draining. Relax and tell him he's welcome anytime.

It’s normal for kids that age to want their own space and territory and to spend time with their mates not their parents. As a non-resident parent that’s tough on your DH but that’s his problem not your DSSs. Your DH might be hurt but IMO all he can reasonably say is ‘that’s ok son, I’ll miss you but have a good weekend and we’ll catch up next time’. This phase will probably pass and your DH won’t help matters or make spending time with you more appealing by being so intense and needy.

It might also be that there is an element of game playing going on here. DSS didn’t have any choice or control over his parents separation so it would be perfectly understandable if he tried to demonstrate his hurt/anger/pain and exercise some autonomy by ‘rejecting’ his dad in this way and picking and choosing what contact he wants. We don’t know if that’s the case but if it is your DH needs to be the adult here, accept his sons choice but reassure him that he is wanted and will be missed and that he is really looking forward to seeing him next time.

I agree with @Veterinari, there might be room for compromise here if its geographically and logistically possible. If DSS doesn’t want to come to your house for the weekend perhaps his dad could just take him out for pizza on Saturday or a pub lunch on Sunday or some such brief arrangement?

Be chill, let him know he is loved and wanted, keep the lines of communication open, listen to what he wants.

I agree with others but if ds had said he wanted to go to the sports thing and tickets have been bought, he should go to that.

My stepson is 15 and he's gone from 14 nights out of 28 to about 6. And that's because he doesn't want to hurt our feelings lol. It's normal, they get used to their normal space and just like us the weekend comes and they want to relax.
My partner feels a little stung but doesn't complain to him.

So DH should just accept it then? It's been on and off like this for 18 months. So pretty draining

Yes

Your DSS didn’t cause/ want the divorce. It’s not his fault. He is child. You aren’t. GROW UP.

Yes. DH should accept it.

I initially used to go for half of every school holiday to my dads but this reduced as I went to secondary school and wanted my own life. I was a person not a package to be shared fairly.

I didn't love my dad any less and he was always available when I wanted to go over (3-4hr journey). I spoke to him regularly and in the end saw him about 4 times a year but then it was great. He remarried and had more children who I also got on very well with. Nothing was forced, everything was a choice.

If DSS doesn't want to come I think you and your DH have to accept that and not pressurise him - just don't make expensive plans. If he wants to come great, if you get a message he doesn I'd just text back "You sure? Was planning X" if he says no then I'd just leave it. Perhaps he does want to stay where he spends most of the time, perhaps he's trying to be a bit difficult, but I don't think anything good comes from trying to persuade him.

Eldest DD often comes home early from her Dads or goes later, shes 11 - 99% of the time when this happens its because she's on her period. She has a lovely room at her Dads, he's very chill and great with her but sometimes, she just wants her Mum. Especially with her having periods so young

ExDP? Totally accepts and understands it. And focuses on the 1-1 time he then gets with our younger DD.

I know my DD will start to reduce the time she spends at her dads when she is able to. At the moment she's too young to be left on her own and I have to work but as soon as she can sort herself out she'll definitely do this. She likes her room here, her stuff and her pets.

Its normal my kids go though phases like this with there dad they just want to hang out in their pants at home

A lot of posters are responding from a Stepchild pov, but my bio, living with me, teens were exactly the same.

My middle DD would enjoy the odd shopping trip, but other than that they would totally pick and choose what they wanted to do and when they gave me their time.

Sometimes we'd be on holiday and I'd think 'what's the point', because they're would be days that they did the same, as they did at home.

Teens are draining. It's important to keep the relationship open and positive. No Spanish inquisition, just enough dialogue so you know all is well.

From about 19-21, the relationship changed again and we were as close as we always were.