To be annoyed at DSS (again)

[Slowforthewin]

Our weekend with DSS. He normally gets dropped to us Friday night as makes sense with the traffic.
DH gets a txt, he doesn't want to come. Exhausted, big week at school etc but he'd get dropped down sat morning. Fine. DH also shattered, had just landed so didn't have the energy to argue.
We get out of the gym, to a txt. DSS really doesn't want to come and I don't have the energy to force him, balls in your court.
DH had already booked and payed for sports tickets for him and DSS. Spent the next 1-2 hours on the phone with DSS trying to get him to explain every possible reason why he won't come.
It's not comfortable. He has his own space, sofa, in his room. Very relaxed household.
I've made plans to play online with a mate. He has everything he needs to play online + private space to do so.
I have assignments to do. He'll have space/time to do these.
Sport is boring. He is sport obsessed.
We are too busy, he doesn't get down time. He gets nothing but down time here.
I'm just so sad for DH. He is such a good dad. But he constantly has to fight to see him. DSS's mum basically says it's his call so if DH forces him to come he looks like the bad guy.
I'm just sick of him picking and choosing the bits he wants from DH and when it doesn't suit him, he just drops DH. AIBU or is this normal for a 12 yr old?

So pretty draining. Only if you let it. I wonder if your dss sees it as draining when your dh calls him demanding answers as to why he isn't coming over?

@BoomBoomsCousin Think how it would feel for you if every weekend or every other weekend you had to up sticks and go to another house. Even if it had everything you had at home, or close to, it still wouldn't be home.

I agree...I did this during my childhood, and it's draining in itself. I don't think people realize how hard it is for kids to do this. I don't know many adults who would actually like to be away from home every (other) weekend.

I remember this feeling so well at this age. School, homework etc all week, then at the weekend pack up and go to Dads. It was loving, caring environment. I had everything I needed including tickets to football, takeaways and pets. My Dads wife was lovely and I got on well with my siblings...

But I was tired, wanted my own bed, my own room, my own stuff every so often.

Honestly, think about it. Work all week, then every single weekend pack up and stay somewhere else. It’s exhausting.

My dsd went through this phase, didn't want to come for various reasons. Tbh we ignored it and picked up anyway, she has her own space etc here and there was no real reason not to come. If she's unwell, has plans etc we are flexible with that but regular contact takes place above just not wanting to come over.

So if a child decides they do nt want to go to school or do their homework do we accept that decision as well.

@Northernparents68

I hope you manage to demonstrate more insight and understanding of issues in your parenting.

You lump homework and attending school in the same bucket as a child of divorced parents meaning his life is essentially split between two homes, two people etc. You can’t grasp how, through not fault of his own, that means additional hassle, stress and being pulled in two directions being laid upon... a child? The parents weren’t wrong to divorce. However, like my ex andI, we grasped that it was OUR decision to split the family and that has huge and practical and emotional implications upon our children. So damn it - we are going to be be more accommodating and suck up inconvenience in order to smooth out their lives a bit.

A 12 year old child wants to chill out at his primary home on a Saturday. Instead he endures a 2 hour sales call from his father begging him to come over. Appalling

I think your DH (and you) needs to adjust his expectations of his teen ds. Badgering him is unfair.

At this age he should be able to have fluidity in his contact. Your DH’s job isn’t his problem really!

IME sometimes 12yo can be lazy and need a little push to go to Dad's. While I've never hindered contact, it's not my job to talk him into going either so if he insists that he doesn't want to go then I say Ds needs to talk to his Dad.
If there's a history of not going round then your h shouldn't have bought the tickets before it was a done deal. Spending 1-2 hours on a phone call about it is horrible.i don't know what the solution is as my personal experience is that contact with their Dad has easy and tricky periods but a 1-2 hour grilling isn't the answer really. If my ex did that I think my kids wouldn't go to his for a while because they'd be angry and worried that it would be brought up again.
Was there a compromise like doing to sport activity then dropping him home? I think 12 is a common age where things have to become more flexible. Teens often make last minute plans so prone to cancelling last minute and from their point of view time with either of their parents is an obligation
Your h shouldn't stop trying as a PP said but a flexible approach now will hopefully be appreciated later

I just feel for DH, I feel he's just being rude and disrespectful.

I have a son who's a similar age and I think that if I didn't cook, clean and pay for stuff then he'd be fine without me 😂 He loves me in a very different way to when he was in primary school. Now he appreciates the functional stuff that I do but if he was going to spend some time chilling then he'd rather be alone or with friends than his parents.

I just feel for DH, I feel he's just being rude and disrespectful.

When you were twelve, did you want to spend every weekend hanging out with your parents?

I think people are missing the bit about the DH having a FIFO job. If he comes back in order to see his son that is really not on for the kid to decide last minute he doesn't want to go. The dad will be working around complicated logistics to be available for their contact time. Honestly OP the kid sounds like a bit of a nightmare. My stepkids still come EOW at 17 and 13 but it's never been presented as a choice and we don't let them sit on screens/gaming the whole time. If that's what he does it's not a surprise he has little connection to his dad.

I don’t know what a FIFO job is!

But either way this is just par for the course for teens. It really is.

My DH travels a lot for work. Some weekends my teen ds isn’t here when he’s back because he’s at a friend’s or his cousin’s. It just happens at that age. They get a little more selfish with their time and a lot less interested in their parents!

I assumed 4 on 4 off but I may not be right.

I think people are missing the bit about the DH having a FIFO job. If he comes back in order to see his son that is really not on for the kid to decide last minute he doesn't want to go.

Contact time isn't about the parent, it's about the child. If the child doesn't want to go, he shouldn't be forced. As a teenager, a court would listen to his wishes and wouldn't force it.

Missed the FIFO job bit but this is what Google said

Perfectly normal for a 12 year old; he should get to decide where he spends his weekends now; your DH needs to let go a bit; dragging him against his will to see his dad every weekend is not healthy. As PPs have said, at this age they want to be with their own friends, in their own space. Could his dad take him out for tea one night after school instead? Or Sunday afternoon? And let him know he's welcome anytime he wants to sleepover. The whole weekend is too much. Plus, if you do this, you then get weekends to yourself so it's win-win.

Also, as PP said, contact is for the benefit of the child not the parent. If he doesn't want to go the court will listen to this and no teen will be dragged kicking and screaming to see a parent they don't want to see. Your DHs job is irrelevant here, I'm afraid.

The relationship will be alot better if things are not forced. He didnt ask for his parents to split up.

If he's old enough to have input into the schedule he's old enough to stick to it once agreed. Allowing it to all be last minute and ad hoc won't work with your DH's job. He could give DS his schedule two weeks in a advance and ask him if he'd like to come and when. But then he needs to honor that. It's not fair on you to keep every single day free in case the wee prince decides today is the day!

Yes, he can ask him if he wants to come and when - but if he doesn't want to come then that's fine. It's not on to spend 2 hours emotionally blackmailing your child. It's just oppressive.

Perhaps your husband should get some therapy to work through his feelings.

I think the wise advice about providing a consistent space that he is most welcome to is the best long term plan.

If he is NOT made to feel guilty and just told, "we love you, we are here for you, we would love to see you, whenever you want to"...on a loop.

There will hopefully come a time when he just says "yes" and things should just continue on.

It's a strange age.

They have full on lives with sports and activities and yet their private down time is beyond precious to them.

Your husband is allowed to be upset but not to show it.

He and his ex wife felt it was best for them to part. His son is allowed to decide what is best for him at this point and should be respected.

Him seeing your husband respect him and tell him that he is always there for him will sink in more over time.

That's the most important thing.

Your husband is the adult who needs to manage his emotions.

It might be disheartening that his ds doesn't want to come visit especially with the fifo job. However I think it is a sign that the dynamics are changing and a new tack on contact needs to be taken. If ds is cherry picking the fun stuff then stop the fun stuff, not to be mean but it takes away that there is more to spending time with dad. My dd is almost 10 and I am very much of the opinion that she can choose if she wants to visit her dad or go elsewhere like the dgp unless I have childcare needs and it can't be helped. You haven't mentioned how much contact there is other than the eow but I would encourage more phone or online contact.

I imagine 12yr olds have much more interests outside the home and generally are thinking of and for themselves. Which is perfectly fine imo as long as some form of regular contact is maintained on top of the sporadic visits.

I'm not really sure the relevance of the FIFO job. Presumably he would fly home to see you if he wasn't a father? Does he earn more if he flies back? How often does he fly back?

Dss' free time is governed by whether or not it's a school day and it's not his fault that his father usually works away. Eve if dss was living full-time with him, dss is 12 so would prefer being on his own or friends than hanging out with the adults.

If your h is away for long stretches you might want to find a forces forum or similar as that's another job where Dad can't see the kids for months.

I do feel desperately sorry for children of split homes sometimes. I think people expect far too much from them. They are expected to just suck it up and go along with everything that’s decided for them, with a smile on their face, whether they want to or not. I literally can’t imagine much worse than having to up sticks and shift my life to another house every or every other weekend, and be forced to enjoy it or else be told what a horrible person I am.

There’s a pervasive attitude on MN at the moment that children are all awful and spoilt and ungrateful and should be controlled to within an inch of their life every minute of the day, lest they step slightly out of line. It’s very unpleasant.

It annoys me that a 12 year old is expected to take his dad’s career choices into consideration. It’s not his fault his parents split. It’s not his fault his dad chose the job he chose.

But he’s spoilt and selfish and unreasonable for not wanting to be at dad’s beck and call because dad wants contact? No consideration for what the child wants? Two hours of coercion?

It’s not on.