To be annoyed at DSS (again)

[Slowforthewin]

Our weekend with DSS. He normally gets dropped to us Friday night as makes sense with the traffic.
DH gets a txt, he doesn't want to come. Exhausted, big week at school etc but he'd get dropped down sat morning. Fine. DH also shattered, had just landed so didn't have the energy to argue.
We get out of the gym, to a txt. DSS really doesn't want to come and I don't have the energy to force him, balls in your court.
DH had already booked and payed for sports tickets for him and DSS. Spent the next 1-2 hours on the phone with DSS trying to get him to explain every possible reason why he won't come.
It's not comfortable. He has his own space, sofa, in his room. Very relaxed household.
I've made plans to play online with a mate. He has everything he needs to play online + private space to do so.
I have assignments to do. He'll have space/time to do these.
Sport is boring. He is sport obsessed.
We are too busy, he doesn't get down time. He gets nothing but down time here.
I'm just so sad for DH. He is such a good dad. But he constantly has to fight to see him. DSS's mum basically says it's his call so if DH forces him to come he looks like the bad guy.
I'm just sick of him picking and choosing the bits he wants from DH and when it doesn't suit him, he just drops DH. AIBU or is this normal for a 12 yr old?

I'd say it's age. So much stuff going on with friends, at school, all these different adults he's supposed to spend time with - it's too much pressure. He probably feels very torn between two houses and wants to just stay in once place for a bit and feel "settled there". OR he has a problem with someone living at your house and doesn't want to say.

I'd back off for a bit and tell him you're here always and he's welcome always. Let him start choosing when he wants to come, and what he wants to do.

It's a shame you your DH but sometimes that's just kids. However there is the issue then of losing contact and also mum not getting any down time. Perhaps contact needs to be changed somewhat eg does DSS have any clubs he needs dropped at / picked up from during the week, could that be something he could do to.keep the contact going. Maybe speak to mum if its possible?

Having a DSD I think this is also a boundary issue - it’s important for the child to maintain a relationship with both parents, and also their wider family - unless there is a safeguarding issue or a special event then contact arrangements should be kept to with a reasonable degree of flexibility but not cancelled on a whim. My DSD often falls out with her mother over trivial standard teenage things, if we just endorse her not to go to her mothers when she feels like it because they’ve had a tiff, then how are they ever going to get past this and improve their relationship?

Have you posted about this before? Seems familiar. He's a normal kid for that age, leave him alone.

Spent the next 1-2 hours on the phone with DSS trying to get him to explain every possible reason why he won't come

You appear to be married to a bully OP. DSS probably came off the phone in tears. I feel very sorry for him.

if we just endorse her not to go to her mothers when she feels like it because they’ve had a tiff, then how are they ever going to get past this and improve their relationship?

What about letting her decide her own boundaries instead of your enforcing yours on her? Why doesn’t she get a choice?

Your husband spent 2 hours on the phone pressuring/guilting him into coming over? That’s not ok. A chat about what’s up, totally fine and probably helpful but that kind of pressure is unfair. My daughter (same age as your stepson) would end up very upset and would be even less likely to go next time.

My 2 sometimes don’t want to go to their dad’s. We (me and them) talk about their reasons why, and often the reason they give me is different to the one they give their dad. They don’t want to “upset” him (make him mad or resentful). I can’t physically force them to go and I wouldn’t even if I could.

@TwilightPearce

Because she enjoys herself once she goes. Twelve year olds need boundaries and for adults to act in their best interests. We are parents not their friends.

My ds had started to be reluctant to go to his DFs once he got to high school. It’s because their friends start becoming a lot more important in their lives so spending time with them becomes more attractive. I remember feeling a bit annoyed about it at the time because the weekends he spent with his DF were opportunities for me to have ‘me’ time. It is normal, but I appreciate it must hurt your DH.

Can your husband involve his son's friends in his weekends? Have one stay overnight, get an extra ticket so a friend can watch sports too.

My 12yr old son wont go and stay with his dad every other weekend anymore.
His dad comes over every sunday and takes him out for a pizza or McDonalds ( which is really the only reason son wants to go but heyhoe).

Disfordarkchocolate’s idea is a good one imo. My teenage son has been on outings with a group of his friends on one friend's contact time with his dad. The boys now all know the dad and think he’s great.

That's sad and infuriating to have spent money on tickets that now go to waste. Allowing a 12 year to just flush money on and event he agreed to isn't ok. But if mum isn't onboard there isn't much dad can do. I was about the same age when I stopped going to my dad's and honestly it was a reflection of how my mum felt about him not me. In hindsight I missed out quite a bit and our relationship never recovered. I think as hard as it is if mum isn't willing to tell him to go then your DH needs to step back and tell DS that he's welcome when he wants to come but he won't be buying any more tickets. He should also agree to let DH know he wants to come by the Weds before because frankly it isn't fair to hold weekends open for no reason if he isn't coming. If he wants more say in the schedule fine but it's not fine for it to be last minute.

It sounds like your DH was bullying the poor kid. 2 hrs on the phone making him explain himself? Christ, that's awful and as a mother I would have stepped in and ended that call I think. Hes not likely to want to come next weekend after that is he

Why not sit down with dss and work out an alternative way of seeing him? Maybe he would prefer to not stay over as regularly and would rather just go out to things with his dad and then go back home? Maybe he would prefer to stay just one night or it becomes more flexible? As kids get older they spend very little time with their parents, resident ones or not. You need to accept this maybe?

Could he not just have taken him to the event and dropped him back at his mums after?

Do you live some distant op? At that age they want to be playing out my 11 year old is the same. However his dad lives afew streets away so it's not an issue and he can still go out with his friends. If you live far away from friends then I can see his reluctance to visit his dad.

ilovebolly - I was in the same position as a grandparent carer for many years. My gs1's paternal family insisted on contact eow at any cost. Whilst not every contact was bad, gs was deeply unhappy. He would ring us most weekends to meet up with him whilst he told them he was out with friends which put us in a difficult position.

I feel sorry for you op because your dh sounds kind and caring as do you - but please do not interfere. My gs's dad is a violent abusive thug who continued offending even after he got a contact order which resulted in toing and froing from the courts.

His paternal grandparents could only see their own needs and entitlements. This resulted in gs walking away once he was sixteen and refusing point blank to see them. As they refuse to take no for an answer it has also resulted in a Police harassment warning.

I would let it go this time. I am sorry for you both but strict enforcement never ends happily believe me. I hope in time he can learn to appreciate his dad.

It's a really difficult sitation. After an exhausting week, I'd want to be in my own (main) home for the weekend, purely for my mental health. I think it is exhausting having to go and live in another home, mentally. I am aware that his dad's house is also home, but it is mentally tiring to have two homes. In the current situation, I would have offered to pick him up just for the sports match and drop him back straight afterwards.

You might think that your household is relaxing, maybe it is for you. But it isn't his main home with his main stuff.

I know you say your dh is a good dad but that conversation sounds pretty full on. DSS said no to the weekend. 1-2 hours on the phone making him discuss every aspect of probably simply being knackered and wanting to stay home does not sound easy going or relaxing. Imagine how a knackered 12yo felt after that call. He is probably very upset with your dh.

DH wasn't on the phone solidly for 1-2 hours. A series of shorter conversations trying to understand why DH won't come, reassuring him that he loves him. That he's not upset etc. DSS's mum has had a tough week and needed a break.
DH offered just sport - no.
Said he could come at any point - no..
I don't agree, neither does DH about 'come anytime' simply it doesn't fit with work. DH is FIFO, so we need a pattern.
DSS doesn't play out with friends, it's all online (he has the same kit here) and we always offer for him to have a friend over. Still no.
We recently got Ddog, DSS was desperate for one. But hardly sees her and has never walked her.
I just feel for DH, I feel he's just being rude and disrespectful.

He doesn't want to, because he doesn't want to.

He needs to know he can express that and I suspect he does not know that or does not feel that he can.

As adults we are constantly told that 'no is a complete sentence' so why does this not apply to a child being pushed to do something he does not have to do, does not need to do and clearly, does not want to do?

The only caveat here is, IF he ASKED for tickets to some sport thing, and was told in advance they were booked and paid for, then he should be expected to attend that.

It's fine not to want to do something - it is NOT fine to waste other peoples money on a whim though.

I understand the disappointment but ultimately it’s dss’ choice.

Can dh head over to the mum’s house to ‘babysit’ while she heads out somewhere if she needs a break? What is their relationship like? Would this sort of more casual visit be manageable? Could dh arrange to go over and take him out for lunch somewhere?

Can dss choose a sporting event to go to that he make a commitment for?

This is so like DSD we've been having this issue for the last few years and she's 11. She has everything here yet not interested it's upsetting to see affect on DH but he tries his best!

I don't agree, neither does DH about 'come anytime' simply it doesn't fit with work. DH is FIFO, so we need a pattern.

And herein now lies the problem as kids start to grow towards a sense of independence. What you want/need doesn’t fit with your DSS and what he wants/needs doesn’t fit with you.

I just feel for DH, I feel he's just being rude and disrespectful.

It does suck for your DH and he is being rude and disrespectful, but he isn't just being rude and disrespectful.

Think how it would feel for you if every weekend or every other weekend you had to up sticks and go to another house. Even if it had everything you had at home, or close to, it still wouldn't be home. It would still feel like a chore. He's probably just plain tired of it. Can you imagine how adults would react to the idea that they move every [other] weekend - not to a place of their choice but to where ever their child had decided to put down roots? With whomever they had decided to live their life with? And to their child's schedule because they can't work around yours? For most people it just wouldn't be that attractive. And it isn't that attractive a proposition for a teen either.

If your DSS had agreed to whatever event your DH got tickets for - that's an issue I wouldn't just let slide. But otherwise, I think he needs to accept that it's kind of a drag for your DSS. Maybe talk to him more about when and how he would like to spend time together.

I agree with others that keeping up the effort by your DH is critical to a good long term relationship. the boy is only 12 - he's not the grown up here. If it's any consolation his mum is probably sick of the way he treats, responds to and seems to value her, too.