To ask you the worst things your toddler has done?

[farmertom]

I'm not sure how light hearted this is, hopefully a bit. Looking to feel a bit better about mine!
Just had a new baby and my gorgeous, gentle, well behaved little toddler (2.4 months) has turned into a moaning and hitting, doing the opposite of whatever is asked and refusing to get dressed/nappy change/eat little monster.
I feel absolutely awful! I feel so guilty like I've ruined his life with all this upheaval and especially the hitting makes me feel so bad.

Please tell me this is normal and that he'll be ok 😢😢😢😢

The worst was probably when I woke up one morning close to Easter time to find 2 year old DD covered in chocolate, holding a sharp knife in one hand with one sawed open Easter egg box next to her and in the process of sawing open another.

When DC1 had just turned 2, and DC2 was 7 months old, I’d got them both out of the bath and left the room for literally a minute to have a wee. In that time, DC1 managed to cover DC2 from head to toe in sudocrem. She also painted my bedsheets, carpet and herself with it.
But as they’ve got older, DC1 has mellowed in her ways, and DC2 has just become ultimate kamikaze child of destruction Feels like everyday he’s on a mission to either destroy everything in his path or kill himself

I don’t know if I’m intrigued or terrified to see which camp DC3 will fall into as she gets older....

I have a rather posh and very lovely auntie. When DS was a toddler we went to hers for lunch and he was a demonic horror. Screaming, tantrums, kicking, biting, the whole works. I was simultaneously embarrassed beyond imagination and at my wits end with DS. My mum tried to tell me that it would be ok and it was just the terrible twos. My lovely auntie said “Terrible twos? Ha, if only that was it. They don’t tell you about the fucking awful threes”. It remains the only time in 60 odd years that anyone has ever heard my auntie swear so was actually a great comfort!

@Thelnebriati I think you win 😂

I love this thread

My ds did loads
When his dad was on roof fixing something he turned round to find ds 2.5 had climbed up ladder to join him
Hit his new baby sis on the head with a wooden hammer to fix her
Would stand naked in his bedroom window for all to see, neighbours would ring me to tell
Dd had a habit of hiding keys in random places and letting hamster out of cage.

@phoenixrosehere we had a very similar iron incident yesterday, nice big iron-shaped hole melted into the carpet (it’s a rented property and my least favourite thing about it is the beige synthetic fitted carpets) AND melted through a lamp cable. I always turn the iron temperature right down and unplug so he must have plugged it in, switched it on, and turned the temperature dial right up. We were on our way out of the house too and I was in the hallway getting the buggy ready so was very lucky I noticed the smell before we left!

When visiting my mum’s house, flicked the switch underneath her stairlift which turned it off. Nobody other than 2 yr old knew this switch existed, so at 10pm when mum tried to use it to go up to bed, it wouldn’t work. An hour later a very amused engineer pointed out the switch to turn it back on - at perfect toddler eyeline level!

When DS(now 13) was two he managed to let go of my hand when we were at a wedding and proceeded to run towards a busy main road, I chased after him, wearing six inch heels and tripped up and face palmed the pavement at full belt!

Luckily, DH was right behind me and was able to grab DS before he got to the road.

I ended up in A&E having stitches in my face and missed half of the reception and then the bride fell out with us and called me a selfish attention seeker as she felt that the other guests were more interested in whether I was ok than her and the groom.

We left after her outburst and haven’t spoken to either of them since.

I forgot one of DS's best escapades. DH was cleaning the carpets. To empty the dirty water DH had taken the cover off the drain in the path in the back garden. It is probably a drop of about 6/7 ft.

The back door was open, I was in the kitchen and the children had all been told not to step outside. Husband had gone out to get some more carpet shampoo.

I heard a quiet little voice calling "Hello? Can somebody help me please? Help please?" Thinking DS was in the toy room and trying to bring down something large and awkward I carried on with what I was doing calling out from time to time that I would be there in a minute.

Then my oldest called me "Mum - you need to see this!" 4yr old DS had stepped outside - just to look - and fallen down the drain. Fortunately oldest son was taller than me and managed to reach down and pull him up by the wrists and carry him at arms length before dropping him in the shower.

Did a poo next to my head while I was asleep 'because you weren't waking uuuuupppp!!!'

He shat a solitary pea on my foot.

Oh and another one shat himself aged 3 on the dark dance floor at a wedding, wearing a beige suit and continued to do knee slides smearing it everywhere.

My daughter pissed on the floor at my graduation because she didn’t want to miss anything.

My then 2 year old painted his month old brothers face with nail varnish...

I used diluted then increasingly stronger nail varnish remover to get it off.

I'm beginning to realise that whilst DS1 was a juggernaut who didn't stop (still doesn't). He was actually a little angel!

The drain story reminded me of when we were at a friend's house. We were in the kitchen drinking tea and DS1 (aged about 10 months) was crawling around in their huge entrance lobby just outside the kitchen as they had toys in there. I suddenly heard 'oh no, oh no, oh no' which at the time was his favourite phrase. I went to investigate and found him on his hands and knees, stuck in the cat carrier, with his bum sticking out. Yes I got a photo before rescuing him.

He also once fell asleep stood up in his cot, with his face on the top bar. We had a camera monitor, so he was rescued by DH fairly swiftly.

*Nothing like turning round to find your 1yo has managed to get into the dishwasher and is waving a massive knife at you.

Kids eh?!*

This has been making me laugh all day 😂

I’ve named changed for this but:

My son has ADHD and autism and is a bolter. It’s a coping mechanism I guess. He’s escaped from school and nursery before and showed his teachers where he crawled under the fence. No judgment from me though. He’s done it to me as well.

He’s also done a runner in Harrods on a day out in London aged 3. I was trying to wrestle him into his buggy (ironically to stop him running away ) and when I took my hand off him for literally 2 seconds to pick the buggy up the little ratbag disappeared. For half an hour. Credit to the staff, they were great and he was eventually tracked down by a gentleman one floor below as he’d been going up and down the escalator over and over and once chased down, delivered to concierge department where he was teaching the guys there the words to scooby fucking doo. The staff thought he was awesome apparently. I was in bits. He’s done it other times but I’d be here all night listing his shenanigans.

He was also a prolific public stripper and once caught I’d have to do the retracing of our steps walk of shame picking up his clothing and shoving him back into it.

He’s much better now but I don’t trust him completely funnily enough...

Oh, he also made a cake on the kitchen floor once when he was meant to be napping. Flour, eggs (whole fucking dozen), sugar. Casually licking jam from a bread knife. I love him to bits but being his mother is exhausting.

harridan my toddler regularly ‘bakes’ on the floor though thankfully just flour (tidying a kilo bag of very fine pasta flour is still a job, but at least not sticky like egg) - he’s somehow able to do it totally quietly 3 feet behind me while I stand at the cooker.

DTwins are 2.4 and somewhat delayed but today DS managed to drag his old wooden high chair down the hallway toward the front door.

He tipped it on its side and climbed it and and yanked a very large, heavy mirror off the wall and missed his sister by millimetres. He did all of this extremely quietly as I was in the kitchen and didn’t hear a thing until I heard the crash!

Ran out to see DD crying, mirror lying face up (how?!?) and thankfully it hadn’t broken so no broken glass to manoeuvre and he had the biggest grin on his face. From atop the overturned high chair he pointed at DD and climbed down and toddled off giggling.

I checked DD everywhere and thankfully she didn’t get hit by it but fuck me I don’t think I’ve been so scared in my life! The old high chair has now been dismantled and put in the shed 😂

DD has spent the last week following me everywhere screaming/crying for no apparent reason. When I ask her what she would like (Cuddle? Drink? Hungry?) she gets increasingly high pitched and will then kick me in the leg and run off chuckling...

Oh and they love trying to pour the contents of their sippy cups onto the PS4 or my netbook.

Thank you everyone for sharing. I am absolutely loving hearing these, some have had me in stitches. Please keep them coming

Recently on a bus with DS2, he sat on the seat in front of me with his grandma who is 73, there was a lady sat in the disabled bay in front of them who started talking to him, he was chatting happily away then turns to my mum and asks “that lady your mama?” The lady was a good 10/15 years younger than my mum

When DS1 was in reception I got the dreaded beckoning over by the teacher at pickup time, she was trying not to laugh as she explained that he’d been told off today for drawing a moustache on himself and another child in marker pen.

My soon is a teenager now but I remember getting annoyed quite a few times when he was a toddler. Most of the time when I was getting annoyed, it seemed serious to me but looking back at it now, I can't even remember why I was getting annoyed. And that's probably normal. I wouldn't worry too much. Everyone has their limits and kids know how to push them!

he’d been told off today for drawing a moustache on himself and another child in marker pen.

My brother was a newborn when I was about 4. We were at my grandparents and mum had one of those, it's too quiet moments, and came upstairs to check.
Apparently I had decorated my brother for Christmas by wrapping lights around his neck. He was turning blue and couldn't breathe! A few more minutes and I would have been an only child