Always excluded at work.

[BillieBlueHat]

Sorry for the first world problem but I need to vent and gain some outside views. A few months ago one of the girls I work with celebrated her 30th birthday, invited all of our team to her party apart from me (I'm 34 but I know I sound about 16!). I thought we considered each other friends but obviously we weren't as close as I thought. One of the women asked me what I had planned for that weekend so it was a known fact that I wasn't invited.

My other friend at work, who I thought I was quite close to, is getting married and I didn't expect all work people to be invited since I can imagine how expensive it is for her but it seems all of the team are going along with their partners (for the full day) apart from me again. I know it's selfish but I feel left out yet again.

Just like the birthday bash it's all everyone has talked about all day and will do until the big day. I've spent most of the day having to sit in silence, feeling very awkward because I can't contribute to the conversation. Even trying to change the subject doesn't work because it gets brought back into the conversation. I thought we were very good friends but I think it must have just been a one way street.

Another time was at Christmas when I suggested having a team night out and tried to suggest a few ideas but it was swiftly brushed off. I didn't want to push it if no one actually wanted to go. What I didn't know was that they had already arranged to go on a night out with another team and yes, that excluded me.

It seems there is a pattern emerging and the only thing I can think of is that, for a reason unbeknownst to me, no one I work with likes me even though they are lovely to my face. I've never had a cross word with anyone so I'm not sure what I could have done to make them dislike me so much. Am I being silly to feel a bit hurt about it all? Do I just need to 'give my head a wobble' and get over it? I've worked there for 6 years but I don't think I can stand to work there anymore. If IABU please tell me but please be kind. I'm not sure what to think anymore.

I dont think you're being unreasonable to feel a little hurt. Is there anyone in your team you think you could have a quiet chat with to see if there's a reason you are the odd person out?

Do you normally arrange or chip in for social type stuff? Like arrange a night out or sort presents?

They sound like nasty spineless twats in the sway of a bully or queen bee type who for whatever reason has singled you out.

I'd be either putting up much higher barriers, or moving jobs. Depends how important the social stuff is to you?

I think you should speak to your manager about this. Constantly being excluded is a form of bullying.

God love you, you are not being silly at all ! What a vile bunch of utter bullies. Sometimes work just has to be a place we go to do our jobs and go home .Try and switch to that mode. Start looking elsewhere for a new job ...then
Later biaaatches

OP, that sounds really awful and quite serious bullying behaviour to me.

I'd probably try to face them out and ask what the problem is. Do the bosses go on these arranged things?

If you are "friends" with them, what has stopped you from asking?

I agree that this constitutes bullying and harassment.

That’s really hurtful, sorry they’re being such bloody bullies! Agree with pp go in do your work, keep yourself to yourself look for another job then yeah, later biaches! they sound horrible I’m sorry you’re having to put up with this, get yourself out of there if you can 💐

I was somewhere like this for two years. I recently started a new job and when someone said 'we must arrange a work night out soon' to me in my first week I almost cried.

I'd have to leave OP. It was sucking the soul out of me.

Oh wow. That’s so hurtful. Just wow. I don’t think I could work there either. Is there somebody you think you get on with the best? Is there a team manager you could ask? That’s 3 times. That’s a pattern. A Christmas social should definitely have included you! Who’s the main ringleader? This is just so weird. There has to be more to this. Have you slept with somebody one of them fancies?

Are you very attractive OP? Are they threatened by you?

They are not work "friends"....they are biatches!

Definitely talk to your manager. Its bullying.

Then try to find a new job which will make you happy.

This is bullying in the workplace. It's no oversight, it's deliberate exclusion.

I've got to be honest, I'd start looking for a new job. But I'd also raise it with your manager in the meantime.

That's really poor of them. Where is your manager in all of this, are they part of it all?

It’s just come back to me, I worked somewhere 20 odd years ago and this started happening to me when my OH who also worked there was promoted over another woman’s OH, he was perfectly fine with both of us but she was fuming, anyway I had to sit and squirm while they all talked about a trip to London or somewhere they were planning, one of them even said to me are you going? knowing full well I wasn’t invited. It was like high school bullying. Even a manager said to me “I think you were getting a bit of a hard time” I was pregnant at the time and knew I wasn’t having to go back to work there luckily otherwise I’d have had to have left. So sorry for you, hold your head up high!

You poor thing. What a nasty snidey bunch of moos. They probably wouldn't be happy if they were t excluding someone. It's likely a power trip and makes them feel important and popular .
Yes, do speak to someone in the group if you want, but you shouldn't have to. I don't see how it will help.
Personally I'd like for another job - you shouldn't have to, but being treated so badly at work will affect your wellbeing. And when you leave, make sure that the management know there's a culture of bullying in the team but you didn't speak or report it because if your face doesn't fit, they can't make it fit. But you're reporting it now so once you're gone they know why.
"Be kind" my arse springs to mind. I bet a few of them have "Be kind" on their social media!
I feel cross for you but I don't imagine there's any rational reason behind it.

This is bullying. Especially with the holiday meal where 2 entire teams went out together ... but deliberately excluded you.

You need to raise it higher up.

That's incredibly nasty. For them to not invite you and then sit and talk about it openly in front of you. How awful for you.
Get yourself out of there as soon as you can. I wouldn't even tell any of them when you get a new job. Utter bitches.

Ostracising is most certainly bullying. I know this as it is what my DD is going through.

You are not over reacting nor do you need to give your head a wobble. They sound awful.

Anyone you can talk to? Can you transfer teams?

I worked for a company where this happened to me. Organising nights out, weekends away, had their own WhatsApp group. It hurt like hell every time it somehow got mentioned. The worst was when someone new arrived and they said when we were round the table at lunch "We should add you to the WhatsApp group" and I was sitting right there, not included despite being at the company for about 2 years by that point.

I probably came across as a right sad case/moaning minnie/crybaby as I'm quite sensitive and found my upset hard to hide a lot of the time (on two occasions in particular). But it hurt deeply. I had no real other friends in the city and spent evenings/weekends on my own.

And for those people who say "Just ask", when you know you're deliberately being excluded, why would you try and invite yourself when they'll either get uncomfortable and make excuses to your face or spend the social occasion ignoring you anyway because they didn't really want you there. So there's no way I'd have asked.

But it doesn't stop the hurt. I'm sorry they're being such bitches to you, OP. No advice (because I left without doing anything) but plenty of hugs from me.

Yeah this goes into workplace bullying. Raise it with your manager and go higher if nothing gets done

Absolute bullying. I would raise it. If it continues you could conceivably have a case for a claim.

My dh would go ape shit if this was happening in our office. Is this the entire team?

I’d speak to your manager and tell them your feeling demotivated as your being excluded from team nights out and it’s causing you some anxiety. There is obviously someone in that little group who is purposely keeping you out and that needs nipping in the bud.

You can’t be liked or friends with every one but 2 team nights out excluding you is out of order.

I’d like to think my dh would pull one of the team to ask wtf was going on