Always excluded at work.

[BillieBlueHat]

Sorry for the first world problem but I need to vent and gain some outside views. A few months ago one of the girls I work with celebrated her 30th birthday, invited all of our team to her party apart from me (I'm 34 but I know I sound about 16!). I thought we considered each other friends but obviously we weren't as close as I thought. One of the women asked me what I had planned for that weekend so it was a known fact that I wasn't invited.

My other friend at work, who I thought I was quite close to, is getting married and I didn't expect all work people to be invited since I can imagine how expensive it is for her but it seems all of the team are going along with their partners (for the full day) apart from me again. I know it's selfish but I feel left out yet again.

Just like the birthday bash it's all everyone has talked about all day and will do until the big day. I've spent most of the day having to sit in silence, feeling very awkward because I can't contribute to the conversation. Even trying to change the subject doesn't work because it gets brought back into the conversation. I thought we were very good friends but I think it must have just been a one way street.

Another time was at Christmas when I suggested having a team night out and tried to suggest a few ideas but it was swiftly brushed off. I didn't want to push it if no one actually wanted to go. What I didn't know was that they had already arranged to go on a night out with another team and yes, that excluded me.

It seems there is a pattern emerging and the only thing I can think of is that, for a reason unbeknownst to me, no one I work with likes me even though they are lovely to my face. I've never had a cross word with anyone so I'm not sure what I could have done to make them dislike me so much. Am I being silly to feel a bit hurt about it all? Do I just need to 'give my head a wobble' and get over it? I've worked there for 6 years but I don't think I can stand to work there anymore. If IABU please tell me but please be kind. I'm not sure what to think anymore.

Weddings and birthdays are private affairs, and they are perfectly entitled to invite whoever they want.

Christmas do, however, it's not on. You are part of the team, either you are included or the evening out does not happen.

Good for you for speaking up here. Lots of good advice and rally glad to read your update.
Good god you don’t sound 16 at all. They appear to be acting like 13 year olds (nasty 13 year olds that is).
Good luck op. Onwards and upwards !

Nasty school playground bullies just become workplace bullies.

I was ostracised, but in my case the nastiness started a few days after I arrived. I was supposed to be a supervisor but was blatantly told to fuck off and do it myself if I asked anyone to do their job a task. The manager above said to leave it alone as the ringleader was 'a difficult character' . They organised a night out, I was invited an hour before and only because the manager was covering her own arse. I also ate lunch in my car. After 6 months they moved me to another site thinking I would 'fail', I didn't, I thrived with a decent manager and was promoted. I now enjoy going in occasionally to rub their noses in it. The ringleader has left.

Oh @BillieBlueHat I feel for you. What an awful situation to be in, it's horrible being excluded like that. One time can be excused but it's becoming a pattern now and of course it's going to affect you - these are people you surround yourself with every day.
If it was me, I would light heartedly approach the situation. Are these events being arranged by one person in particular? If so i would approach him/her and ask how their last event was (if they are out this weekend then ask this on Monday).
Sounds like you are a nice genuine person but unfortunately in the survival of the fittest arena that is the workplace, nice people tend to get walked over.
I really hope you sort this OP. Please keep us posted x

Oh, I feel your pain. Although in my personal life I have lots of friends, at work, I hardly ever get invited.

Last time it happened most of the dept were invited except a select few. I wrote my boss an email explaining how demoralising it was.

Today I was invited to another event, but again some weren’t. I asked why not and apparently it’s because they weren’t working on the particular project (out of a dept of 40, 2 weren’t invited. I pointed out that it was a bit rubbish, and was told I was lucky I was invited. Anyhow, I decided not to go as I don’t really want to take part in excluding people

I had someone pull this shit where I work. Invited our whole team but me and one other guy to a work lunchq. I went straight my manager and said deliberate exclusion of people from work things like lunches is not on. He agreed and it hasn't happened since.

It was odd as we are a very social bunch and lunch a fair bit, but I know the woman organising it doesn't like me. That's been clear for years, so it was a deliberate non-vite not accidental. Particularly so as she knows the team email and chose to email individuals instead.

Employers have a duty of care to all employees to ensure they are safe at work and that their health, well-being, and ability to the do their work effectively is not adversely affected by their work environment. Employers must take steps to ensure that bullying and harassment of any employee is not tolerated and dealt with appropriately when it occurs.
Examples of behaviour that may constitute bullying or harassment are:
• Purposely undermining someone,
• Targeting someone for special negative
treatment at work or on social media,
• Attacking an individual‘s reputation,
• Social exclusion or isolation,
• Repeated requests with impossible deadline or impossible tasks.

OP I know how it feels and its shit.

My ex boss (Thank god!):
didn't invite me to her birthday party (all other members of the team were invited)
set up a what's app group for the managers in her department (I was one of them) and excluded me

There is always a ringleader when it comes to exclusion. They are the puppeteers and know precisely what they are doing.

I had conversations with HR about what was happening in my workplace. Believe me they will want to know what is going on.

So sad for you . If you feel able call them on it on your last day - calmly of course. Having their dreadful behaviour brought into the light may stop them doing it to the next poor soul and should at least make them feel ashamed. It is a very unlovely pack behaviour - usually supported by people who are so relieved it's not happening to them that they collude with behaviour they know damn well is wrong and undeserved.

I had this at one place I worked. Had not had it before and not since. Team of 6 admin people plus a couple of men doing a different role but in same office.

They used to go for lunches and stay out longer than they should. Then on a Friday they would all go to the pub. Silly jokes and nicknames etc. It was very bizarre. Another person was also excluded. We had to do shifts so office was covered 8-5.30 so I used to do 8-4 on a Friday so I didn't have the embarrassing situation where they all toddle off to the pub.

I don't know what I did wrong - I have plenty of mates in real life. I am now in teaching and it's better - not sat in an office all day with people like that. It's difficult if you have nowhere to get away.

Excluding is bullying. Speak to your manager

this is horrible op. You don't deserve this, I'd definitely look for a new job

OP are you sure there isn't something that you've done to upset them?

I don't think the OP has done anything wrong. In fact, I think you probably outshine them all at your job.

Our absolutely gorgeous, brilliant 26 year old nurse works at a public hospital 2 days a week and also gets excluded from coffee runs, meetings, etc.

I've told her it's because she's brilliant at her job and they feel threatened so they exclude her.

@RogueV
I don’t think it’s bullying

Of course it is. What else could you call it?

This is definitely bullying. Go to your manager or HR about it.

I don’t understand how people can act like this. Who on earth excludes one person from the whole team from a gathering/wedding whatever? Are you sure you’re the only one not invited OP?
The fact you consider these people good friends makes it even more baffling. It’s just mind-boggling really that anyone would think it is ok.

Oh how horrible and, no, not first world problems

And no real remedy other than leaving - very difficult for management to stop this type of behaviour

Its bullying OP , they are spineless twats , I would approach your manager and mention how you are feeling and ask it in a way like 'is there anything about the team dynamic I should be aware of ?'

This is happening to me right now too. But in my case they try and keep it all secret from me and put me down to cover their shifts. I have become wise to their ways now and have booked time off for upcoming events evil laugh I will be leaving the minute I get a new job though. And theres no point going to my manager in my situation as she's one of the ringleaders. Its certainly hurtful when you suddenly realise that they aren't your friends.

I’d be very upset to be excluded so I’d probably make a big joke of it and be loud and Larry. ‘Ooh, Janet, another do without me? Why am I being excluded AGAIN? Is it my perfume?’ Actually, no, I’d just be quietly upset and cry when I got home. Definitely ask someone you’re friendly with.

Thats rude, I would feel the same if We're friends. Its like that at work sometimes, but if want or like your job don't worry about it. Are you a manager or anything? Maybe they don't want to party with the manager or do y'all have different lifestyles and you just don't get invited so no one will feel awkward. Just ask what the problem is, maybe there's some kind of misunderstanding

What sort of work is it OP?
They sound awful

Without sounding weird are you on a different level e.g. everyone's boss? Maybe they would see it as odd outside of work. Doesn't make it ok though.