Always excluded at work.

[BillieBlueHat]

Sorry for the first world problem but I need to vent and gain some outside views. A few months ago one of the girls I work with celebrated her 30th birthday, invited all of our team to her party apart from me (I'm 34 but I know I sound about 16!). I thought we considered each other friends but obviously we weren't as close as I thought. One of the women asked me what I had planned for that weekend so it was a known fact that I wasn't invited.

My other friend at work, who I thought I was quite close to, is getting married and I didn't expect all work people to be invited since I can imagine how expensive it is for her but it seems all of the team are going along with their partners (for the full day) apart from me again. I know it's selfish but I feel left out yet again.

Just like the birthday bash it's all everyone has talked about all day and will do until the big day. I've spent most of the day having to sit in silence, feeling very awkward because I can't contribute to the conversation. Even trying to change the subject doesn't work because it gets brought back into the conversation. I thought we were very good friends but I think it must have just been a one way street.

Another time was at Christmas when I suggested having a team night out and tried to suggest a few ideas but it was swiftly brushed off. I didn't want to push it if no one actually wanted to go. What I didn't know was that they had already arranged to go on a night out with another team and yes, that excluded me.

It seems there is a pattern emerging and the only thing I can think of is that, for a reason unbeknownst to me, no one I work with likes me even though they are lovely to my face. I've never had a cross word with anyone so I'm not sure what I could have done to make them dislike me so much. Am I being silly to feel a bit hurt about it all? Do I just need to 'give my head a wobble' and get over it? I've worked there for 6 years but I don't think I can stand to work there anymore. If IABU please tell me but please be kind. I'm not sure what to think anymore.

You are NOT being silly - it reasonable to be upset by this, most people would be. You’re being bullied.

I wouldn’t ask anyone in the group, they’re unlikely to be honest with you. I’d take it to management but also look for a new job at the same time.

Very weird.

Have there been any incidents where you've fallen out with anyone? Or borrowed money? Do you get lairy drunk and start on people?

It seems bizarre that they'd constantly leave you out for no reason.

I mention the above because 4 of us at my old job used to casually go to the pub, and after the third occasion of one girl getting blind drunk, starting arguments with strangers, and on one occasion throwing a bottle at a bar man and getting thrown out of a bar, we stopped inviting her out at all.

It's not bullying if you're excluded from a birthday party/wedding. Tactless perhaps, but it's up to the hosts who they invite.
A Christmas event is something else and your manager should have stepped in if one person was being excluded.

This is bullying OP. Deliberately excluding you is bullying. You need to look up the procedure for bullying in your workplace handbook or guide. Start to take notes of the behaviour and speak to your union if you belong to one. Also contact ACAS for advice.

It's not bullying if you're excluded from a birthday party/wedding. Tactless perhaps, but it's up to the hosts who they invite.

But the fact they are then talking about it in work (and not just a mention) and highlighting the OP isn’t invited is bullying.

Please speak to your manager, this is dreadful behaviour from your colleagues.

This sounds awful, OP, and very hurtful. However I don’t think not being invited on nights out or to weddings could be considered bullying or harassment at work. Work can’t tell people who to invite to their weddings or birthday parties. I fear OP would sound like a nutter complaining to HR about this.

Are you normally good at reading social cues, OP? Are you teetotal and perhaps they feel judged if they’re going to be drinking? Grasping at straws here... but for you. You certainly sound like a nice and very reasonable person from your post.

Is there a big age gap between you or do you have kids and they don't? I'm struggling to think why they are leaving you out but not being sneaky about what they're doing, like they think you wouldn't be interested in coming or something.

I can totally relate. I recently left a horrible work environment and it was the "click" that made everyone uncomfortable. They would plan their nights out openly and invite the "select few" then leave them and go out for what they referred to.openly as "the after party".

I always felt left out then I realised these people are quite pathetic and have no life, no real friends and use each other to feel popular. They used to hang out with each other Thursday -Saturday night and ONLY discuss their little click lives.

When i left, i actually felt sorry for them!!! A couple of them were right bitches so I could see why they attracted each other like flies to shit

OP doesn't necessarily have to have done something to have upset them!

Often, people with a fragile sense of themself will define themself by what the group is not.

In my work (she has left now thankfully) but there was a young woman who wasn't happy that sociable people of mixed ages were all forming friendships. She was in that very loosely defined group herself but that wasn't enough for her! She wanted to push out anybody who's identity (as she perceived it) didn't validate her.
She wanted to make the group a more clearly defined group, ie ALL THE YOUNG PEOPLE rather than let friendships evolve organically ykwim. I say all of the young people but not the obese girl or the guy with aspergers. She was so lovely to everybody except the people she was actively trying to push out (ie, me). So most people didn't know she had two personalities.
A real horror of a woman, a blank canvas I guess, she wanted me out of the group because any association with somebody as old as I am couldn't validate her. Well she was right there. I cannot validate her!

Thank goodness she left. Everything was better then. Everybody is nice to everybody now.

Thank you for your input. It has helped more than you know! I'll be starting the job search tonight.
Management are oblivious to team dynamics.
I think I will wait to mention it in my exit interview. I would hate for them to think they are getting to me. Luckily I only need to work 4 weeks notice.

Do they talk about it in front of you? That is so bad ! Do you not say anything to that? Seems weird them doing that without worry of you imbarassing them.

constructive dismissal...

I'm glad pretty much everyone on here had said this isn't acceptable OP. It isn't - it's horrible. I bet there's nothing wrong with you OP. Whatever you choose to do about it (or not), I think you should allow yourself to at least feel angry with them and acknowledge to yourself that they are being really mean.

I bet you wouldn't invite all your team except one to a do, then talk about it at work. Because that's horrid. Good luck xx

Love you really don’t want these pricks as friends. Have you got a social circle out of work? A couple of every good friends is worth more than a bunch of even very friendly colleagues.

I’d strengthen my zero fucks given persona, be polite but not over friendly and really work on building a strong social life out of work.

I agree it sounds like a main bully/queen bee type but the rest are as bad for allowing that to happen in a supposedly adult environment.

Why don’t you ask them? Is there anyone in the team you’d feel comfortable messaging and asking why you’re the only one not invited?

I don’t think it’s bullying.

However it sounds really awful op and you are not overreacting at all. They are selfish, rude, nasty. I would not treat anybody like this!

If you’re happy moving jobs then I think you should go for it

I find it very hard to believe that people like this actually exist in the world. It’s mental cruelty they are inflicting, nothing less. I’d place bets half of them have #BeKind plastered all over their facebooks and instas too.
Good luck with the job search OP - I hope you are in a much happier place very soon

I feel for you op, I had something similar at work to. I used to always go on lunch with the same two women, we would always call each other when it was time to hit the canteen. All of a sudden they would head off without calling me, I continued to call for them when I got up to go and without fail the one I would call first would always say she had to wait or search for the other. Something they would do for each other but not me. I stopped going to lunch in the canteen and now bring my lunch in and eat it in the car. It was very hurtful.

Fast forward to today, 2 years after they dropped me and one of them has a new lunch buddy and has started doing the same to her original friend. Original friend had a moan on my shoulder about it today, I sympathised and told her it was shit when it was done to me, it was like she forgot she had a hand in the way I was treated. I could see the moment it dawned on her who she was complaining to, she got very uncomfortable.

It sounds very unpleasant. Would you be able to find a new job near where you live?

That's really nasty behaviour, I hope you find something quickly. It's not you, it's them. Vile bullies.

I worked once in a toxic team, and I mean radioactive. One person I worked with railed against the manager non-stop about how crap she was, and she really was, but amazingly the manager was invited to her wedding. Go figure.

I’m sorry this is happening OP. This happened in my last workplace, not to me but someone else. I was new and couldn’t believe these so called ‘professionals’ were behaving like school children. I wouldn’t stand for it and made friends with said person, invited them to everything and made sure they were involved. Over time others started making an effort too. Thing is she was a great laugh and I actually preferred her company to some of the others.

I met up with a friends from my old place recently and apparently it has gone back to how it was before. They all go out once a month and don’t invite her, they even run off if she tries to go with...... digusting

That’s really awful behaviour from your teammates . What a bunch of disgusting human beings.

I’m weak, but I would start looking for another job

I was going to say I hope you won’t be contributing to any workplace collections for these events but I see you are leaving

Happened to me as well. Worked with a team of three other ladies. They all arranged a Christmas lunch and didn't invite me. Seemed to thrive on talking about when I was there.

The next year I was invited and the new girl wasn't. Everytime they brought it up I just said ' no thank you I don't want to go'. The ring leader couldn't understand my refusal and outright said she thought I would be grateful id been invited this time. The new girl was desperate to be invited even though I told her not to be because they'd get a kick out of it.

I got told off the day after the Xmas lunch because they'd hung around waiting on me for half an hour thinking I would surely change my mind . I was 17 they where all middle aged and should have behaved better.