Always excluded at work.

[BillieBlueHat]

Sorry for the first world problem but I need to vent and gain some outside views. A few months ago one of the girls I work with celebrated her 30th birthday, invited all of our team to her party apart from me (I'm 34 but I know I sound about 16!). I thought we considered each other friends but obviously we weren't as close as I thought. One of the women asked me what I had planned for that weekend so it was a known fact that I wasn't invited.

My other friend at work, who I thought I was quite close to, is getting married and I didn't expect all work people to be invited since I can imagine how expensive it is for her but it seems all of the team are going along with their partners (for the full day) apart from me again. I know it's selfish but I feel left out yet again.

Just like the birthday bash it's all everyone has talked about all day and will do until the big day. I've spent most of the day having to sit in silence, feeling very awkward because I can't contribute to the conversation. Even trying to change the subject doesn't work because it gets brought back into the conversation. I thought we were very good friends but I think it must have just been a one way street.

Another time was at Christmas when I suggested having a team night out and tried to suggest a few ideas but it was swiftly brushed off. I didn't want to push it if no one actually wanted to go. What I didn't know was that they had already arranged to go on a night out with another team and yes, that excluded me.

It seems there is a pattern emerging and the only thing I can think of is that, for a reason unbeknownst to me, no one I work with likes me even though they are lovely to my face. I've never had a cross word with anyone so I'm not sure what I could have done to make them dislike me so much. Am I being silly to feel a bit hurt about it all? Do I just need to 'give my head a wobble' and get over it? I've worked there for 6 years but I don't think I can stand to work there anymore. If IABU please tell me but please be kind. I'm not sure what to think anymore.

I just can’t imagine anyone doing this... bloody awful behaviour and so hurtful .. definitely end it an move on!

Oh OP - I feel you. I had this once and only i a contract role ( I was there 8 months) . Small team of around 6 and multiple times they slipped up re dinners etc . If they did invite me it was very last minute and with attitude like they ‘had to’

It was horrible! No advise how to handle because I left because of this.

They sound horoible OP, spiteful and childish behaviour. You're better than this. They've done you a favour as now you know their true colours! Who'd want friends like that?!

Yeah, that's reality horrible of them, especially as they are talking around you about it and it's happened several times. It's there any one of them that you're more friendly with than the others? I think it's completely reasonable to ask one of them what's going on. Although I'd be minded to forget all of them. They sound vile

Bullying and you should call them out. Stand up for yourself, ask them how they think you feel when they exclude you from everything and then talk about it alll day in front of you. Ask them if they get off on being so vile and spiteful and then go to HR.

And stop being so feeble and unsure of yourself. Why are you saying such ridiculous things like you’re being like a 16 year old and need to give your head a wobble. You’ve worked their 6 years definite time to move on.

I work in a similar situation. We have a queen bee who wraps everybody around her finger. Except me. Maybe the years have made me fireproof, but I just zone her out, and don’t even think about work when I’m not there. Bullies want a reaction. Don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing they affect you.

They're horrible OP. I'd leave. It happened to a lovely friend. I could only put it down to her being so quiet & only opening up if you spent one on one time with her & they saw that as wrong & went in for the kill. I gave her some ideas like starting more conversations, offering more re the teamaking etc, bringing in cakes now & then etc but no joy. HR had a word & they made a show of inviting her to one event then it was back to normal. Some workplaces are vipers nests & any little thing can be seen as a weakness & you're the injured zebra in the herd so to speak.

Omg this happened to me. All my colleagues had a little social group. Would meet weekly for the pub quiz and would organise other social nights out behind my back. We had an on call system and every now and again they would call in favours from me to cover their nights. Unbeknownst to me it was so they could all go out on a Jolley together. In the end, I left. It made me so miserable and I couldn’t stand the little secrets and giggling behind my back. I used to dread going to work. It started off really subtly but in the end it was so painful. There had been a time when I used to go to events with them but it stopped when a new girl joined the team. They were all very nice to my face on a daily basis. Interestingly, when I left the girl who joined the team just before the dynamics changing got my job. I sincerely think I was pushed out as part of a plan for her to secure my job. I work in a fab team now where I feel valued. I’m so sorry op you are going through something similar.

I had similar to this once too op. I was temping but ended up working with one particular company for over two years and they did a lot of work outings which I went on. My department was all male besides me and they often spoke of "boys nights" out which I didn't go on, fair enough, but I wondered why the women didn't do something. Most of the women there didn't talk to me very much. To start I mostly spoke to my department but over time both in the office and on nights out etc I tried to talk with the other women, got very little back. To this day I still don't know why as I was always friendly to everyone. One night on a whole work trip to the pub, one of the women got chatting to me and said "you're actually really nice blueharry", I said something like thanks - and then I said "you know how the guys are always having their boys nights out, why don't we do a girl's one?" I quickly realised from her face that they already did that. I felt so embarrassed. I'd heard little bits of conversation before that kind of gave me a hint that it was happening, but I'd assumed it was a few of the closer female friends who met up, not every person with a vagina except me. Even ones who'd joined the company after I had! I'd been with the company for well over a year at that point. It was a horrible feeling.

I think sometimes people make an opinion of someone for no reason and then excluding them becomes a habit. I'm sorry op it's horrible. And it's a bit cliche but I think it's true that you are better off without those kinds of people in your life. Though if there is one you feel a bit closer to than the rest, I would be tempted to just ask them why they don't invite you to things.

This sort of behaviour would absolutely constitute bullying in my place of work.

Deliberately excluding or singling out members of staff is actually mentioned in our anti-bullying policy. This specifically mentions social events. It’s glaringly obvious there has been exclusion when everyone else is invited bar one.

You have every right to complain OP. I really feel for you, and it’s a terrible shame you feel you have no option but to leave.

Ah OP it is horrible isn't it. Why do people always seem to need to group and leave one out? It seems to happen everywhere? Can you find another job?

I'm often the one seeing groups leave on a Friday to go out for drinks. The difference in my situation is that I am one of few with DC at home and on the occasions that I don't have DC I have been honest and said I want to go back to be with my partner. I am 15 years older than some of my colleagues, but they still occasionally ask out of politeness.

Here I think is the key difference, they are purposely excluding you and being rude. Have there ever been hints as to why they are doing this?

It’s shit. It happened to me, one girl had a housewarming and Ann summers party and I wax the only non invited female in the office. I also accidentally saw an e-ms for the ladies inviting them for a meal and to go to see Mamma Mia. I wasn’t the only one not invited but the only one in our team big invited. I had a fab mate who was invited and said ‘oh I could only tolerate that total wank fest if Like was coming, I see you accidentally left her off the e-mail!’

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I just don't think your team sounds particularly nice. If it was me, and you probably don't want to hear this, but I would leave. Life is too short to spend your days in a toxic environment like that.

Leave now before it really messes with your head. Happened to me and in the end I was so depressed and sleeping all day to escape my loneliness that I got clot.