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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I do not want my sister to be my sons godmother

33 replies

power0901 · 20/02/2020 16:05

I need to pick a godmother for my son and i have an older sister who i do not want to pick. I am the godmother of her daughter. However, we are not close in any way. Most days I rather not deal with her. I do not like how she parents, nor do i trust her alone with my son. As well i do not like the way she acts, shes often loud, rude, and uncaring. I do not want her to be the godmother but i know this will upset her and cause tensions. I am unsure what to do at this point. I have a few other options that i am close with and i trust with my son. Should i feel bad for not being willing to pick my sister?

OP posts:

Star81 · 20/02/2020 16:08

We didn’t have siblings as godparents as we had 2 brothers on each side and didn’t want to leave anyone feeling out so we just picked close friends and if we were questioned on it would have said we felt uncles would love the child and be close to them as family and we thought it would be nice to ask others to be involved in the child’s life.

RhymingRabbit3 · 20/02/2020 16:10

Shes obviously not bothered about upsetting you if she is loud and rude, so why are you bothered about upsetting her? Dont make a big deal of it, just announce that the godparents are X, Y and Z and dont even mention that you havent chosen her.

Bagofoldbones · 20/02/2020 16:11

What does being a God parent mean these days? In the traditional way it was who would take care of this child after your death. Who will take care of your child if you died? Would you really count on these people you’d pick to financially take on the burden of your child if you died? Would they take them in to live with them? Do you have a husband or partner that will be there if you died?

What roles do you expect your friends to actively take now in regards to your child?

If it boiled down to it who would take your child in if you died?

I really don’t think God parents mean anything these days so I’d be inclined just to let her do it doesn’t cause family upset because I’m reality they God parents don’t actually do much!

FET2020 · 20/02/2020 16:12

It’s not traditional to have siblings as godparents.

The whole idea of picking a godparent is to extend your child’s support network not to keep it small. She’s the aunt, that’s enough. Now pick someone your son can look up to as a good role model.

FET2020 · 20/02/2020 16:16

Bagofoldbones I think your getting mixed up with godparents and Guardians.

Gatehouse77 · 20/02/2020 16:17

*It’s not traditional to have siblings as godparents.

100% agree

Original poster

power0901 · 20/02/2020 16:20

My fiancee picked his brother and already asked him. As we agreed to list him in our will as the next caregiver of our son as we know he would ensure our son has everything he needs and as well ensure our son sees my side of the family. as well my fiancee doesnt have many people to chose from and we agree i would do the godmother and he would do the godfather. The only other people im willing to request as the god mother is my cousin as she loves my son immensely and wants a close relationship with us. Other than the it would be my BIL gf, shes amazing with our son and cares for him greatly and our son loves her, she loves my son as if hes her own and is extremely protective of him. I am a 1st time mom with trust issues when it comes to my son. I have a few good friends but they come and go and i want to pick someone i know will be there for my son. As mine and my fiancee's circles are extremely small and primarily family

OP posts:

Original poster

power0901 · 20/02/2020 16:24

@ bagofoldbones
My sister is one who often trys to take control of things. Shes been learning her lesson to back off when it comes to me as i do not tolerate it. However, i am well aware if i make her the god mother she will think she has the hierarchy and will cause more headaches for me at bday partys and family gatherings. Either way i choose i will end up with some drama. As well we plan on moving away and we want someone that will still be in our sons life and i can confidently say my sister really wont be once we move.

OP posts:

Musmerian · 20/02/2020 16:31

@FET2020. @Bagofoldbones is correct. Historically that was a godparents role but it’s not really generally regarded in the same way. I just don’t get why so many people who don’t really believe in God and never go to church bother with christenings. It’s just more dressing up and showing off.

Original poster

power0901 · 20/02/2020 16:38

@musmerian I am personally not religious( i use to be but as i got older i got out of it) and honestly dont care about doing a christening, however my fiancee and his family does and so i made him chose everything else regarding it as i still respect religions. I want to chose the godmother as i personally never met mine and it still bothers me to this day as my parents dont even remember who it was. Due to this i am holding onto picking the godmother .

OP posts:

1Morewineplease · 20/02/2020 16:39

I’m with you @Musmerian .

Pumpkinpie1 · 20/02/2020 16:50

We always believed that a godparent is in addition of family, another layer of support around your child.
I don’t see why it can’t be close friends.
It’s up to you who you choose not your family

BananaChocolateLump · 20/02/2020 16:54

I'm going to say something crazy.

You don't need God parents. Just note down someone in your will you trust. Should the worst happen.
No god required.

WhateverHappenedToBathPearls · 20/02/2020 16:56

I don't really get the siblings as godparents thing, they are already aunts/uncles to the child, surely the godparents should be non-relatives?

IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord · 20/02/2020 17:04

We had a similar issue with our last child. Didn’t want sister as godmother but my mother and sister kept pestering. My sister isn’t christened, wasn’t married in church, her kids aren’t christened and she makes it clear she has no faith, so when they kept asking and asking and asking, I spoke to our vicar, told him the situation and he said she can stand and say the promises but she won’t go on the register, therefore, isn’t a godmother in the churches eyes, more a supportive adult. She doesn’t know this though. It was a peacekeeping exercise on our part more than anything,

billy1966 · 20/02/2020 17:06

You'll have years of regret if you go against your gut here.
Go with the cousin.

Enko · 20/02/2020 17:09

OP My sister chose to have our brother as Godfather for her dd and not me. I am not going to lie and tell you that I was not disappointed as I was. However, I have never told her I was upset about it. As I know it was her choice. The ironic thing about it is that niece is now a grown-up and dear brother cut all contact with sister and niece so growing up Dear Niece has a relationship with me and my family but not with her uncle.

I do not know if my sister knew I was disappointed/upset we have never discussed it as I knew it was not my choice.

I will say that when I had children myself I never asked her to be Godmother either. (nor is my brother to my children)

Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2020 17:12

You have already picked your partner's brother. A single god parent is all you need, if you insist on going down that route.

oldstripeyNEWname1 · 20/02/2020 17:13

The clue is in the name. GOD parent. Their role was originally conceived as to be one of ensuring the child grew up in an appropriate God fearing way. Literally keeping them on the straight and narrow. If they had wealth that could help, we'll marvellous, but good morals were more relevant.

In the event of the death of both parents, your wishes, either at christening or in a will do not take priority over your child's welfare. Just as there is nothing to force a godparent to take a godchild 'orphan' into their care in the event of a victoriana tragedy, there's nothing to say your existing family (grandparents?)/social services etc would consider it useful.

God parent title can be considered ceremonial. Rather, better to have a really honest think about the more difficult conversations if you die. Eg, we agreed with husbands brother & sister in law that our children will live with them until age 21 at least, with some consultation with my brother & family. We were then able to tell both family sides this was because we felt that brother was most suited to that in age and life circumstances (and not because we wouldn't risk our kids with other 2, and finances for friends doing it would be too complex!)

Ughmaybenot · 20/02/2020 17:15

I have to admit, I do think it’s weird when people choose siblings as godparents, they already have their role in the child’s life as auntie or uncle and, as a pp says, it makes sense to expand their support network as well.

teapotter · 20/02/2020 17:45

Dont choose your sister. As pp said it’s traditional that the Godparents take a role in the child’s moral and spiritual development, so you need to be able to trust them. Some traditions have 2 godparents some 3 or more. Have you asked the vicar/minister how flexible they are at the church? Do they allow atheists to say the vows? Our church don’t, (as they would be lying) but they do allow chosen adults to stand with the group in support. I only mention this as it might be a easy way out of the situation- if your cousin believes in God but your sister doesn’t then that is an excellent excuse. Not that you need to have one but it might help keep things calm.

Original poster

power0901 · 20/02/2020 17:52

@teapotter
I believe my cousin may be. i personally no longer practice any religion. I used to for a long time go to church with a close neighbor as no one in my home was religious. I am baptized christian and hold the religion dear to my heart as my nonnie was a strong believer. My fiancee is the religious one and will be communicating the most with the church. my sister will say she is however, shes never practiced religion before on her own free will.

OP posts:

PelicanPie · 20/02/2020 18:00

Well, I picked my sister but she chose my husband as godparent to her child, despite the fact that she doesn’t like him. I would choose friends, not siblings.

1forsorrow · 20/02/2020 18:20

You could have your sister and your cousin. At least in my church you can have as many god parents as you like so I assume it's the same for all Christian churches but you would have to check.

1forsorrow · 20/02/2020 18:21

Just thinking about it the Royals always seem to have more than 2 godparents.

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