to end my marriage over this?

[poopbear]

The way my DH talks to me and our kids. I get that people lose their temper and get frustrated etc but I feel like I’m always having to be the referee (if anyone understands that?). I’m also having to be a “Pollyanna” all the time or I’m accused of being “moody” or “needy”. Yesterday we went out as a family to do an activity and DH was so stern with our son that he made him cry. Our son has anxiety issues and is a very quiet, introspective boy and he gets upset/moody if he loses at any game he’s playing. This is a huge trigger for my DH who then starts “stomping” and talking in a moody/bully voice with stern tones in order to “buck him up out of it”. It’s then left to me to mop up the mess. I’m then a recipient of DH mood/looks because I’m “babying” him which has obviously caused this issue in the first place (according to him). This isn’t the first and only time. This is a constant theme. If the kids aren’t jolly happy/good losers etc then DH acts out. That’s fine but what about me actually? The whole scenario ruins my day and I’ve been poking up with this for years. I want to know if this is normal on family outings with young kids please as I have nothing to compare it to. Is this a normal thing (bravado man not knowing how to discipline in public thing). Am I BU and do I just poke up with it until kids are older and through all the phases and if this is the worst I have to put up with then I’m doing alright. It is just causing me huge anxiety because when we go out I’m on eggshells. If one of the kids collapses with a moody face then my heart sinks because here we go. How does everyone else handle it please if your husbands/partner has made your kid cry in public?

So... he loses control of his emotions because his DC does? If a grown man can't control himself how does he expect a child to? And isn't he supposed to set an example to his children? What a complete prick. Sorry, I really don't like him.

I used to agree that showing a united front is the best way forward however my dh used to be like yours op and it does get to a point where its not possible.

It is more important for a child to see that certain behaviours are wrong even if it's an adult who is doing it as this can impact all areas of their lives.

It does sound like your dh is being abusive to your child. My dh's behaviour was out of frustration and not knowing another way but every single time he was out of order I would pull him up about it in front of the kids. On the other hand I was very vocal about praising him in front of the kids if he did something well/explaining why he was a good man.

I did consider leaving him at one point but the thought of him having access on his own without me there to pull him up was terrifying.

Now he is the complete opposite, to the point where I was screaming at all 3 kids this morning to get out of bed (the 7th time telling them) and he spoke to me afterwards to say I hadn't handled it well and kids being shouted at in the morning was not conducive to a good day of learning!

'the most damaging thing for a DC is for them to see any chink of disagreement between their parents - you must present a united front at all costs.'

Other posters have been very articulate about the risks and dangers of the 'united front at all costs' school of parenting. The poster who described it as a form of gaslighting, where abusive/aggressive/disproportionate behaviour from one parent is involved, is spot on. It can be a recipe for leaving a child feeling powerless and as if nobody is on their side. There's no abuse/dysfunctionality in our family set-up, but I'll still disagree with dh if I feel he's being disproportionate. I don't think a child needs to feel its parents are infallible monoliths in order to feel safe. Safety also comes from knowing one's parents are human and will intervene/climb down if they've gone about something wrongly.

but I definitely think a DC being shouted at by a parent is 'less bad' than allowing that DC to see cracks in the parental united front.

So in theory that means it's better for both parents to be abusive bullies than for one to disagree and treat their child kindly. Righty ho. It's all very well saying they should discuss it calmly away from the children, but if the dh refuses to compromise or change his behaviour, is the OP supposed to then just go along with his methods in order to present a united front?

Also, children know not all adults are the same. No two parents are always going to agree or apply the rules in precisely the same way. Children learn that very early on, and it doesn't damage them. Growing up knowing that your mother made no attempt to protect you from s bullying father would though.

A united front is agreeing on what is allowed or not. Not on abusing children, FGS.

This hits a nerve as I tried doing the united front thing for ages and it was at the cost of my son's well being ultimately. And that's even though I stepped in sometimes anyway.

Not to mention that 'D'P didn't back me up when I disagreed and occasionally actively undermined my decisions so the message you're ultimately sending to your kid is 'mummy is powerless against the bully so no one has my back'.

Or he'll do stuff like take away all privileges despite our son being perfectly well behaved all day and having a minor wobble at bedtime as he can't actually be arsed to parent at bedtime. And for he'll do shite like take DS's tablet or the Xbox cable to work despite me saying I disagree with him.

Oh and to a very large degree it's what drove the final nail in the coffin for me as well regarding our relationship.

My dh used to emotionally abuse myself and my dd. I've posted about it on here before.

I gave him a warning that his behaviour was totally unacceptable and I'd nearly reached my limit. When he had another outburst I told him he couldn't live with us unless he was going to be the husband and father this family deserves - I told him about rooms he could rent nearby and explained that I had worked out how we'd cope without him.

He was absolutely horrified that I had reached a point where I believed him moving out was the only option. It seems to have been the wake up call he needed.

His parents were awful and he had no idea how to be a good husband or father. I'm happy to help him figure it out, as long as he stays positive and respectful.

One thing that helped us is that I explained I didn't disagree with his opinions but the way he conveyed them wasn't on.

Before ending the marriage maybe first try fighting back on behalf of your kids. My DH has a little bit of a temper and one day when DS was very young he knocked over DH's coffee in a cafe. DH lost his temper and yelled at DS in front of everybody and stormed out. I calmly told DH later that if he EVER spoke to DS that way again I would end it. He knew I meant it. He has never done it again. Before filing for divorce advocate for your kids and see what happens.

Confession - I haven't read the whole thread. Which is maybe rude of me.

Looking back at the " we must present a united front" bits of parenting, I can now see times where I clearly failed my children.

In the end,( although exDH is not fundamentally a bad or uncaring person) I was struck one day , that maybe, instead of staying for the sake of the children, I should leave for the sake of the children.
That this ' brace up' don't acknowledge your feelings stuff was not only leading to tears, but was actually damaging my children.

My DC are grown now. I'll admit to getting many things less than perfect in my parenting. But this , no. I'm sure I did the right thing , giving them a home where being reduced to tears was not a regular event. They deserved that.

Go geocaching!!
Do cooperative board games.

There had to be a middle ground, if it is possible to calmly discuss when alone and plan ahead as you know your son’s trigger.
My concern is you being accused of being moody and needy...hardly respectful towards you is it.

@poopbear Good for you for not letting a 'united front' allow abuse. My mum thought she had to hold a united front, that and her dislike of confrontation meant she allowed me to be treated like shit.

Not exactly the same situation but I was always on egg shells around my ex, he was always wanting things done quickly, barely give the kids time to do anything before he’s shouting. As I say, he’s an ex now. Kids are older but they are still wary of his moods, I’ve pulled him up on the way he’s spoken to the kids though (mainly 15yr old) and hearing how upset our son was over it was enough to make him stop. He didn’t realise the effect his behaviour was having on our son. In all fairness he hasn’t done it since, so I think sometimes it’s worth just telling someone the impact their behaviour is having, it’s easy to assume they know. They don’t always

@Darbs76 Interesting point- I don't think they care in that moment about how others feel about their behaviour- they're just losing it.

That's the generous explanation of course- the other is that they use these displays of temper to control people.

Can your DH see that his reactions are a problem? Is he willing to do anything to address this? Some family therapy might be an option.

I don't think you should have to put up with this until the kids are older, and I definitely don't think the kids should have to put up with it until they're older.

Your husband is causing this anxiety in your child and you can't see it
Yes I'd leave him