to end my marriage over this?

[poopbear]

The way my DH talks to me and our kids. I get that people lose their temper and get frustrated etc but I feel like I’m always having to be the referee (if anyone understands that?). I’m also having to be a “Pollyanna” all the time or I’m accused of being “moody” or “needy”. Yesterday we went out as a family to do an activity and DH was so stern with our son that he made him cry. Our son has anxiety issues and is a very quiet, introspective boy and he gets upset/moody if he loses at any game he’s playing. This is a huge trigger for my DH who then starts “stomping” and talking in a moody/bully voice with stern tones in order to “buck him up out of it”. It’s then left to me to mop up the mess. I’m then a recipient of DH mood/looks because I’m “babying” him which has obviously caused this issue in the first place (according to him). This isn’t the first and only time. This is a constant theme. If the kids aren’t jolly happy/good losers etc then DH acts out. That’s fine but what about me actually? The whole scenario ruins my day and I’ve been poking up with this for years. I want to know if this is normal on family outings with young kids please as I have nothing to compare it to. Is this a normal thing (bravado man not knowing how to discipline in public thing). Am I BU and do I just poke up with it until kids are older and through all the phases and if this is the worst I have to put up with then I’m doing alright. It is just causing me huge anxiety because when we go out I’m on eggshells. If one of the kids collapses with a moody face then my heart sinks because here we go. How does everyone else handle it please if your husbands/partner has made your kid cry in public?

Your DH needs to teach them how to handle their emotions but handling his own emotions!

I'd avoid those sort of games tbh. It sounds like it doesn't make anyone happy.

If the kids aren’t jolly happy/good losers etc then DH acts out. That’s fine but what about me actually? erm, no it isn't. He deliberately only engages in competitive activities and if thry kids aren't thrilled to lose, he's a sulky bully. You're married to a prat

Dad gets angry or "stern", mum on eggshells

Mum and kid have anxiety

The problem is the fact you are living with an angry man who is also a bully

How old is your son?

It's not the children who have problems controlling their emotions, it's your husband.

He's supposed to be the adult. You should make it clear that you're prepared to kick him out over this, and discuss whether he should have unsupervised contact with professionals, school, etc.

Would he listen to a professional (GP, psychologist, teacher...)?

BTW I, and both my DC have all suffered with anxiety to various degrees – not self-diagnosed, but severe anxiety involving medication and/or CAMHS.

We're all a lot better since the separation, strangely enough.

YANBU.

As PP's have said- my sister and I both have lifelong severe anxiety (I'm unable to work, and wouldn't want to live with anyone) which results from the frequent 'walking on eggshells' around our father's temper as children.

Please leave for your DC's mental health and your own.

Your dh needs to go on a parenting course.

Leave him, I wish I had.

"Our son has anxiety issues"
And I'd pin that squarely on your husband's behaviour.

OP,
Your husband sounds like a nasty, petulant bully.

The fact you want to be away from him says everything.

Don't look for strategies to make this better.....sa e that energy for getting the help away from this twat.

Do you really want to stay married to someone who stresses you all so much.

Move on.

He's destroying your children's confidence and ruining their their self image. This will affect them all their lives. I'm not saying they won't be successful - they very well might, but they will be fighting anxiety and depression every step of the way.

ALL children start off being bad losers - learning how to cope with it is part of growing up, but being berated for it won'r help.

Only you can decide whether or not you should leave him, but he really needs to accept that constantly bullying and mocking your children won't "buck them up" - it will frighten and depress them, and make them feel that he doesn't love them. They will struggle to get his approval - and they will always fail, because that's the sort of man he seems to be - nothing is ever quite good enough.

I dare say he sees this as "tough love" but it isn't - it's cruel.

I think discussing tactics before getting into that situation is a good idea

I spent years trying to prevent DH reacting and blowing up at DC. I wish I had left. Now a teen DC reacts exactly as his dad does, learned behaviour. Breaks my heart that teen is now basically a mini version of his dad who, if he has kids will now do exactly the same. Hindsight is marvellous.

@Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady my husband is the same although not as tall!

I frequently have to step in and say enough, you’ve been repeating yourself for ten minutes, the kid gets the message and all you’re doing is winding yourself up and upsetting him. Like yours he doesn’t like it much but that’s tough luck - I will back him when appropriate but I won’t allow him to descend into bullying rather than tell him to stop.

OP YWNBU to divorce. He sounds horrible, and it doesn’t sound salvageable.

Another thing OP is that I'd bet your H's controlling behaviour is not really about whatever you or the DC are "doing wrong" at any given time. Whatever you do or don't do, it probably won't go away because it's probably more about his need to control / vent his own buried anger.

One example, my ex always makes the DC eat at a table and tells them off if they eat anything with their hands.

But before DC we always ate on our laps in front of the TV, and he has always eaten with his hands, extending to regularly stealing food off DC plates without asking, which they hate.

This is classic and typical - he just wants something to tell them they have to do and get cross about if they don't, despite it being total hypocrisy. He just wants to be the big man.

Now I am aware that separating means they still have to spend time with him, and that was a worry for me and there is a balance to be struck. But now they're getting older they can cope with it better, they do love him and they can let off steam to me about these things. But they have little respect for him.

Do you love dh?

tell him. no wonder your kids got anxiety,his dads a knob.loosing your cool as a parent every now n then is expected.being a complete arse is not.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead I agree with you, basically you are all anxious around your husband, who is a shouty nasty person quite often. Can you see the connection?

'my DH will only join in with certain family activities and the majority of them include a win/lose element.'

This really jumped out at me. He's setting your child up to 'fail' (in his terms), and to get an excuse to distress him and dominate the prevailing mood.

As an aside, a lot of what some posters are referring to as 'old school attitudes' is actually toxic masculinity in action.

OP you can never win with someone like this. You don't need this and more importantly, nor does your son.

This post has resonated with me OP and I have separated from my husband because of this amongst other reasons.
Getting used to the eggshell feeling is no good for yourself or your children. It made be incredibly passive because I knew that if I pulled him up on it he would get incredibly defensive and cause a scene in front of the kids which I didn’t want them to see. It’s actually more damaging for them and for me to have not done anything. It’s anxiety provoking behaviour. My ex was not allowing them to exhibit their natural emotions.
I have developed a deeply engrained “suck it up” mindset since my childhood and I don’t want that for my children.
Unfortunately for me, because I didn’t do anything about it, and continued to show a happy family facade, my closest family members can’t understand my reasons for leaving him, despite them witnessing how he can talk to the children and other adults in some cases. They create excuses for him, such as he is tired or stressed or not ready to have had children when we did.
It’s a fucking awful feeling and I truly kick myself for not doing anything sooner but my circumstances and fear prevented me from doing so.
Think carefully OP. Good luck.

Your son's behaviour may not be ideal, but your husband's behaviour is making it worse.

Instead of dealing with your DS' behaviour you're having to deal with your DH's, and the effect DH's behaviour has on your son. Your son's issue is then being neglected.

Your DH is making everything about him.

I would ask DH to go to therapy along with your son, and if he refuses, leave.

Your son's behaviour may not be ideal

But hardly unusual at that age surely? DD used to react really badly at a similar age if she didn't win. We dealt with it consistently and gently and she's completely different now. Likes to win - bit can cope when she doesn't.

Hmm, I can see both sides tbh.

We have/had a policy in our house that, when in front of the DC, DH and I totally supported one another's parenting choices.

So, whatever either one of us said/did was never negatively commented upon by the other.

If either of us disagreed with what the other had said/done, we spoke about it later, when the DC were in bed.

We both agree that the most damaging thing for a DC is for them to see any chink of disagreement between their parents - you must present a united front at all costs. We obviously do/did disagree fairly frequently on parenting issues, but always discussed it in private.

I can see why your DH is reacting the way he is - you are undermining him in front of your DC and this is bound to piss him off.

But hardly unusual at that age surely?

I've looked but I can't see where OP has stated his age.

But it's completely normal, and helped massively with the right techniques, but OP's not able to help if she's having to sort out DH instead.

I would imagine your husband's behaviour is the cause of your poor DS' anxiety, OP - and yours. Not something you need to fix to stop your husband being annoyed about it.

I can't imagine having to tiptoe around on eggshells and worry about my DH kicking off if we didn't all live up to some impossible standard 24/7.

He sounds horribly competitive and like he makes you all miserable - I would leave if you possibly can.