How much should your partner earn....

[nonwonderwoman]

I have always been ambitious but my DH has outstripped my earnings by at least double check in the last 5 years.
This hasn't generally bothered me as I have earned well in the legal profession and developed an excellent reputation at work. However my DH has recently been awarded a salary of £215k + .
The feminist in me wants to keep going to work and building my reputation and professional life but the realist in me wonders whether to give up my job and start enjoying a simple life. ABUR?

YABU hes done well so you think you no longer have to work?

If you quit legal now you won't be able to go back. No chance.

That's something to consider.

215 grand Wtaf

I work full time but have a lot of juggling childcare wise

I’m guessing he doesn’t do quite as much juggling as you? In which case he’s already using you to advance his career at a cost to your career and financial security for you and the family as a whole.

I see the temptation to let him earn the money when the disparity seems big, but it’s often a bit of a mirage. As you’ve acknowledged, it can all change in a heart beat (and possibly it’s more likely to change if there is such a power imbalance); it can become a hard rut to get out of If you change your mind and find your skills are too out of date to get you back in at anything like the level you were before; as the children grow the amount of time you spend doing things that seem important over what seems like grunt work tips towards the negative; and then, eventually they leave home and what do you do then? Also, most studies show that people who do not work tend to be less happy than people who do work unless they are independently wealthy (i.e trust fund or other investments) to the extent they don’t have to think about money.

215k sounds like a huge amount of money, but in London it may not go far enough to make a life of leisure that fulfilling, especially if you are intending paying out for private school. Although he’s earning 3x your salary, progressive taxation likely means he’s bring home a bit less than 3x what you currently do so your overall income may be a little less than with your income and him earning double. It wouldn’t be enough to spend without concern. You’re probably a very resourceful woman and I don’t doubt you could easily add thousands worth of value to your home life, but would it be work you’d want to do? And will it be value you’d all appreciate as a family over having the money to spend?

Finally, what would your DH really think about you just giving up work because he’s earning? Would he see that as reasonable? And if so, why? What does he think your role would be?

Wouldn’t it be nicer, in many ways - to put the extra he’s earning into pensions or investments so you could both look at retiring earlier and enjoying time together?

When I was a child my DF who was a high earner was made redundant and ended up out of work for almost a year. My DM was also a high earner, and although she had restructured her career to be more family friendly, she hadn't given it up. So she was able to boost her income during that time and keep us all reasonably in the same lifestyle.

So myself as a working mother, I would never give up work no matter what my DH is bringing home. You never know what can happen.

Firstly, I don’t get why people don’t understand there will be childcare juggling. Even with a nanny, there will be stresses.

I have had a similar dilemma but husband is earning less than yours. In the short-term I think all of our lives would be happier if I quit work- no juggling, no commuting to worry about, no compromises for the children etc. But, thus far we haven’t because:

1. chance for me to save for a pension. Don’t under estimate the value of what you’ll be adding to your pot by working.

2. the risk of his job being unstable. I think once you’re on a high salary, you get the lifestyle creep that a job loss becomes quite scary. Also, we want to be able to do private school and we ideally need a second salary to feel comfortable doing that.

3. purpose. I’ve worked hard for my career and as tempting as it is to be a sahm, I’d struggle in later life without the stimulation of my role and I wouldn’t like to try and re-enter the workplace into a lower paying role.

You might feel better just looking at the net salary difference (so much will be going in tax) or thinking about pension as well and your financial contribution to a comfortable retirement. I look at it that I’m working so we can do private school. I’m sure there will be moments over the next few years where I’m increasingly tempted but long-term, it isn’t the best thing for me.

He can cut-down, compromise, work less. If you both do that then your kids will win and you will BOTH have the security of a job. You can always scale back up when the kids have left home. Both of you.

I don't understand, you enjoy working, you will be bored as a sahp, you have a nanny so don't need to quit due to necessity.
Is this a stealth boost or something?

Can you cut your hours?
My DH earns more than double yours. There is absolutely no financial need for me to work. After DC 1 was born I went back to work 60%. I earn enough to pay the nanny, cleaner, food, kids activities and have money left for me. There have been times when I’ve thought long and hard about giving up work. But my job is part of who I am, mostly I like it. I think it’s a brilliant role model (being a working mum) for my children ........and if that isn’t enough, pop over to the relationships board to find out that no marriage is rock solid. I have no reason to think our marriage is going to end, but if it did I can stand in my own 2 financial feet without having to retrain, which would be the last thing I wanted to do in the middle of a marriage breakdown.

Why not take a step sideways, find somewhere in your field where you don't have to work five days a week. I've known solicitors who have organised their work around their home and child's needs so it is achievable. Of course there are things in your children's lives you do not want to miss - so don't.

Discuss with your husband who may be supportive of your idea.

Good luck.

Phive, your DH earns 400K+ and YOU pay the nanny, cleaner, food bill, children's expenses, etc out of your own salary?? I'm assuming you aren't actually solely responsible for all expenses related to the children and household, otherwise I don't really know what to say...

@PhoenixBuchanan, thank you for your concern. I said ‘more than double’ and I also didn’t disclose how much I earn.....it’s a healthy amount, but a fraction of DH. DH pays for literally everything else- mortgage, school fees, car costs, holidays, household bills, and he pays the nanny’s tax and NI. Any extra money either goes into over paying on the mortgage (in both names) or equally into savings. If I’m ever short (rarely) I have access to his bank account and credit card. It works for us and I’m certainly not hard done by in any way.

Love the mumsnet humble brags

It sounds as though what you want is more flexibility in your working pattern, rather than to be a SAHM. Any obvious (or less obvious) options for that?

Wow. I hope all of you top 1%ers are giving something back? I'm gobsmacked at how some people just want to keep accumulating money.

In your situation I would give up work, turn up for all the school shows and sports days, be around for my kids in the holidays and spend my spare time in a volunteer role, perhaps one where I was using my skills, such as chairing a committee or organising activities.

A job and the high salary in one of the "big 4" can be gone in the blink of an eye. Whilst not in the same profession as him, I work for a large organisation providing consultancy and have seen several "bloodbath" restructures at every level, for no reason other than the company is doing very well, but the bottom line can be even better.

Keep working and don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Wow. I hope all of you top 1%ers are giving something back? I'm gobsmacked at how some people just want to keep accumulating money.

Most people are, not just the top 1% through paying tax.

nonwonderwoman is it a job you could go down to 30 hours in? Or an all or nothing type area (I know law is often like that).

Think about the message not working sends your children on various fronts.

I am very much of the opinion that a work life balance is essential and have no interest in working ridiculous hours for a big salary. However I do think in an ideal world children see both parents work outside the home and both do domestic work and be involved in childcare/ teen taxiing and support (because although teens don't need childcare they do need face to face time with their parents).

I think that by primary age and older children need to see that all the healthy working age adults in their lives work outside the home. Role models are what sets their expectations from life. I'd hate my own daughter to be dependent on a man.

Yes to the you never know side of things too - it's sadly quite common for one partner to be totally blindsided if the other has an affair or leaves. Don't put yourself in a position where you'd find it impossible to leave your husband if you needed to, or where him leaving you and remarrying after the children have grown up would leave you reliant on your children!

Don't add to the general impression of SAHM and laziness/the leisure life. If you like your job, it will be rewarding for you, even if not in the financial terms you'd like. Not always about money.

we don't think of it as that, how much do you both contribute- money is only one element.

my dp is a banker

i am a detective in child abuse

he earns more, but i contribute more to society

take money out of the main focus and you will see the bigger picture

What are you telling your children if you think it's worthless to do something you live if you don't need the money?

Will what they do be worthless because daddy could support them?

Are women worthless in their own right and simply empty vessels meant to serve the family?

Do you have sons or daughters? It matters in both cases but for different reasons obviously.

If you love your job I think it’s a no brainer- keep working.

I enjoy my job, I enjoy working, my work is very much part of my identity. Don’t get me wrong I could find stuff to do and not be bored if I didn’t work but I don’t think I’d get the same kick from meeting friends for lunch, going to the gym, etc.....and I like both those activities.

Maybe go part time for more flexibility? Drop a day?

I don't really understand - you love your job and you don't seem to particularly actively want to become a SAHM, why would you give it up? If you can make it work with your DH's career (Big 4 here and married to another Big 4-er so I get it), go for it. I'm assuming he's made partner on that salary and almost all the relatively new partners in my department have spouses who work FT too.

I should also add that my view is slightly coloured because one of my parents was a partner at a Big 4 firm and they had to leave very suddenly (through no fault of their own; more often an admin thing). We've also had a lot of partners forced out recently too.

@SuperMumTum well I'm sure these "1%ers" are giving an awful lot back, through the large amounts of tax and national insurance that they pay. Probably more in a year than you or I will contribute in 5 years. If someone works damn hard and is lucky enough to be financially rewarded handsomely for it then what reason to they have to feel in any way bad about it?